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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - no card?

257 replies

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:22

Had my wedding last weekend - several friends didn’t even write us a nice card. I’m gutted and suddenly feel very unaware/naive about those friendships. 4 of these people I would have classed as close friends. Am I reading in to this? I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding without at least giving a card congratulating the couple? Isn’t that basic etiquette, let alone what you would do as the minimum for a friend? One of these friends I’m particularly gutted about as I’ve really been there when times were hard for her. Even bought her Christmas food shop and presents for her child when she had not a single penny. A decade of friendship and not even a card? I don’t even know what to think, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
spoonbillstretford · 06/08/2025 09:09

My close friends clubbed together to buy a larger item on the list.

popcornpower2025 · 06/08/2025 09:20

Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 08:11

@popcornpower2025then I’ll reverse that right back at you and say don’t attend as a guest if you are resentful of any costs that may come with an invitation to a wedding. Politely decline with an excuse if the person who has invited you doesn’t feel close enough to you that any costs involved with attending would bother you. There is no gun to your head as a guest! I am well aware that people feel pressure to buy an outfit etc though. We covered all food (day and night), transport from our home town, drinks all day and night, and rooms for as many as the hotel could house. Some guests paid for a taxi home or new outfit I’m sure. We minimised costs for guests as much as possible. All well known in advance too. Guests were given a save the date card a full year before our wedding… a wedding all knew was on the horizon 3 years prior to that when we got engaged. You’re telling me at some point in that 4 years they couldn’t pop a card in the trolley at the supermarket?

I enjoy the weddings, no resentment. My resentment stems from people then expecting more. Cards are entirely pointless. They are there to celebrate with you, in person

BIossomtoes · 06/08/2025 09:24

popcornpower2025 · 06/08/2025 09:20

I enjoy the weddings, no resentment. My resentment stems from people then expecting more. Cards are entirely pointless. They are there to celebrate with you, in person

Show quote history

I don’t know about anyone else but my wedding day(s) are a complete blur. It was lovely afterwards to read the cards and see the love when it was all over. More than 25 years on we’ve still got ours. The ones from people who are no longer here are particularly poignant.

AzurePanda · 06/08/2025 09:32

I can’t imagine not giving a wedding present. For second time around weddings who genuinely don’t need anything we always club together for a voucher for a weekend away in a nice hotel or similar.

Radiatorsa · 06/08/2025 10:28

OP, yes that is very strange, unusual and ill mannered behaviour.
You don't care to fall out about it I understand, but I do hope that you will pull back completely from being the giver in the relationship.
So unhealthy.

luckylavender · 06/08/2025 10:56

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/08/2025 19:25

I don't write cards to anyone, for anything, except the occasional sympathy card.

I don't think people do much in the way of sending cards nowadays.

If you'd enabled voting I think you'd have seen mostly YABU.

This again. The shops still have an abundance of greetings cards so someone is sending them. You do you

Kinneddar · 06/08/2025 11:50

cheesycheesy · 06/08/2025 08:52

Every wedding I’ve been to in England theres a table or area you can leave cards/gifts. It’s pretty standard!

Show quote history

That's strange the difference. Thats not something I've ever seen

Littlemisscapable · 06/08/2025 12:29

thepariscrimefiles · 06/08/2025 08:33

I hardly think that the OP is being 'precious' for feeling a bit dejected and hurt that out of all the invitees, her closest friends were the only ones to attend without giving a card or a wedding gift.

OP had covered most of the costs to the guests (free hotel rooms, free bar all night, children invited so no babysitters needed) and the wedding was a 40 minute drive away so not an expensive overseas wedding.

Her friends sound rude and thoughtless to me.

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This. What on earth..as OP said if you get an invite to a wedding and will incur costs from going which you don't want then say no. Rocking up to a full day wedding with no gift at all is beyond rude ! Sorry OP. It's not you.

user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 12:56

We went to a wedding of friends years ago...showed up at the reception and put the wedding card with a gift card enclosed on the desk not thinking much of it as we saw other gifts lying around there....turns out the couple never got the card. It must have been bundled up with admin of the hotel as they never acknowledged the gift months later.

CoralOP · 06/08/2025 13:34

Kinneddar · 06/08/2025 11:50

That's strange the difference. Thats not something I've ever seen

Show quote history

That's so strange, there's always a decorative postbox or table for presents and cards at all weddings I have attended! X

cheesycheesy · 06/08/2025 14:16

user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 12:56

We went to a wedding of friends years ago...showed up at the reception and put the wedding card with a gift card enclosed on the desk not thinking much of it as we saw other gifts lying around there....turns out the couple never got the card. It must have been bundled up with admin of the hotel as they never acknowledged the gift months later.

Sounds similar to a wedding I went to. Except there was a specific place to keep cards etc. several were open and money was stolen. This was about 10 years ago and I think people transfer money more now than give cash.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:17

@CoralOPyes we had a post box on a table that a couple of people left wrapped gifts on x

OP posts:
Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:20

@Radiatorsai think pulling back is definitely on my mind. I’m realising I’ve been perhaps far too generous in the past (and I don’t mean gift giving at their weddings).

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 06/08/2025 14:26

cheesycheesy · 06/08/2025 14:16

Sounds similar to a wedding I went to. Except there was a specific place to keep cards etc. several were open and money was stolen. This was about 10 years ago and I think people transfer money more now than give cash.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, usually these friends have previously acknowledged any birthday gifts so we found it strange but at the time we couldn't see a relative or friend to hand over the card to so we just put it beside all the others on the desk at the reception. Possibly the gift card could have been stolen out of the envelope, who knows. Unfortunately we just put Mr and Mrs X on the card and not the date....It was back in 2008! Will never know now. Too much time has lapsed and I have not actually spoken to this couple in years as life has been very busy.

I just wanted OP to consider this as a possibility as to why she didn't receive a card.

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 14:28

@user1476613140thank you. I have considered this! I double-checked with the venue that nothing was left as well. They did have a wedding the next day too.

OP posts:
Spinmerightroundbaby · 06/08/2025 17:58

Inpaineveryday · 05/08/2025 19:30

@lotsofpatiencecare to elaborate? How does that suggest I need to ‘grow up’? I’m trying to genuinely work out if it’s the norm. I genuinely thought that on a special occasion a card is what everyone would do. I’ve never attended a wedding and not written a card. Hence why I’m looking for perspective - just seems like manners to me?

I agree it seems odd and I personally would’ve written a card but norms are changing. Lots of people don’t do cards now. Did they buy presents?

Original poster
Inpaineveryday · 06/08/2025 18:01

@Spinmerightroundbabyno presents. I think that’s maybe where my post has confused some people who are saying who cares about cards. I didn’t expect gifts at all as 1) we have lived together a long while 2) didn’t have a registry, but surprised at not even a card. However can see that a card may highlight the absence of a gift or cash so may have been avoided altogether!

OP posts:
MMUmum · 06/08/2025 18:10

I love cards, giving and receiving. I put a lot of thought into choosing appropriate cards, and the cards I receive from family and friends seem to show they do the same, I was really touched by the lovely cards I received for a recent big birthday, and I keep all my cards from special occasions. I'm with you op, I think it shows that someone has taken a few minutes to think about you and write a few words

YoNoHeSido77 · 06/08/2025 18:28

I would rather have a card with kind words than a gift, so I’d feel exactly the same.

To me it’s basic courtesy.

Suzjspik · 06/08/2025 18:39

I would get a card for a wedding but im 43 I think younger ppl dont always get cards these days. Incidentally my brother never buys cards for ppl and hes 40

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 06/08/2025 18:43

I’m with you @Inpaineveryday on this one. Basic manner and etiquette are, for some reasons, being lost! People are becoming so selfish and insular, quite happy to attend things and accept kindness when you are paying it seems!

I agree with @MMUmum I too take great care in picking and sending greetings to people and am very lucky I am friends with likeminded individuals.

Theroadnottravelled · 06/08/2025 18:47

When DH and I got married (about 100 guests) a few of his friends (single men) didn’t bring a card or gift either. Don’t care about a present but no card when attending a wedding is thoughtless and rude imo.

Jumpers4goalposts · 06/08/2025 18:54

After my wedding I re-evaluated a lot of my friendships, distanced myself from some, got closer to others and stopped engaging with some altogether.

ACR7 · 06/08/2025 19:06

Sometimes people genuinely forget to bring the card as they rush out of the house. Also some
get put down on tables and not in the right place. Obviously some just don’t bring them but weddings are expensive to attend so I think all that matters is they made the effort to come. We didn’t get cards off some people for ours but i don’t think it’s a big deal. I would personally always take one but everyone’s different

purplepansyem · 06/08/2025 19:29

I would have been upset as well. I don't often send cards because they just end up in the bin but I always send or give a card for special occasions, like weddings, births etc because I think most people tend to keep those cards. It's also just good manners!