In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

You mentioned the following (any updates would be good):

Cousin's wedding you and your daughter were excluded from.

Niece's show and meal you and your daughter were excluded from.

A meal with a cousin, just them and your husband, you alone were excluded from.

A holiday just you and your husband, your stepdaughter then wanted to come on.

And now, you have stepdaughter staying as others were not available, and her aunt/gran have taken her without consultation.

You have a husband and in-law problem.

That's the one - threatened to get a pair of tickets on the same night and book a table at the same restaurant that evening.

Also lots of threads about how much poise and confidence the stepdaughter has and the daughter is jealous because she lacks social graces and can't speak to waiters, and about her DH's extended family not being interested in her and her daughter, and about the stepdaughter not wanting to share a room with OP's daughter on holiday.

The OP is fixated on forcing a relationship on this lass that the girl has absolutely no interest in. She won't take No for an answer.

His daughter is polite, ‘good manners’ but ‘indifferent’, ‘completely uninterested’. These things don’t align with ‘polite’ and ‘good manners’ to me.

How should DSD behave instead towards people who she never had a choice about being blended with?

One thing being critical of the adults involved, but these are children who didn’t get any choices. They aren't obligated to pretend they feel something they don't, however convenient it would be for their parents if they did, and it's a risk the adults chose for them when they got together.

It was the way it was handled. You and your daughter were looking forward to a nice day out and had plans. Aunt then messaged step daughter and they left with no one telling OP or her daughter what was going on. That’s why they are upset because they don’t include them in the planning. I’d be upset too. Different if it was always known what was going on as then OP could’ve planned something else with her daughter.
I’d be annoyed with someone else coming in and changing things with people in my care without telling me in advance. It’s rude and insensitive.

Precisely.

OP was looking forward to another nice day of the girls entertaining each other. But now she's been left with a grumpy 12yo who feels a bit left out.

But it's also not unreasonable for a 14yo to want to go out with her biological family, especially if they're offering something more fun that staying in with her younger SS and a SM who doesn't seem very interested in her.

I'm sure if a member of YOUR family wanted to take YOUR dd out, it wouldn't even cross your mind to ask them to take the step-D as well.

Sorry, but YABVU.

Another post about shitty adults. Op that's awful behaviour from your in laws. I will never understand the "mothers" on here who defend the cruel behaviour of adults towards children "cos they're not blood".
Appalling. Shameful.
I could/would never do that. I would also be very hurt on your dd behalf.
💐

I don't really understand this thing of being treated equally. Growing up, my brother and sister were always taken away by family members to different events, it was never a case if of you took one of us somewhere you had to take all of us for fairness. And in the case they are step sisters, not full siblings so I can't really see a problem with one being brought somewhere, and one not. It would've been nice if you were told the plans.

OP are you annoyed that the ILs didn't invite your DD or that your DSD isn’t spending her time with your DD? The former would upset me as your DD has been in this family since a young age but they don’t seem to accept her. As for your DSD you can’t force her to spend tome with your DD.

So why can’t you and your DD spend the day together doing something nice? It’s a shame that after 9 years they aren’t more sisterly and it’s a shame that your DH’s family have not helped the situation.

It’s unclear why your DD is so distraught.

I have had several step parents (father left when I was a toddler and a string of women where he gets bored and 'trades in' every 5 years or so).

I couldn't even name you one of any of the step children/'siblings' that have come through my life (and left). They meant and mean utterly nothing to me, they are not my family or my friends. I got on fine with almost all of the step mothers (although they where nothing like my mam, more like a random aunt your polite with) but my father shagging their mother and playing daddy to them didn't magically make the kids any part of my life.

You cannot force them to be siblings, they simply aren't. It would probably be different if they had both lived together full time from a young age as an adopted child in absence but they don't, they have their own families that they split their lives between and thats their family.

I think because the OP doesn't seem good at hiding her emotions, and the kid has picked up on it, which is a shame. A bit more resilience would help. And a nice day out for the two of them.

Because they'd probably arranged it all with her parents?

Reading though other people's responses, regarding previous threads, it appears to me that you have a husband issue. A husband who doesn't see your daughter in the same way as he does his own. Yes, to a degree I can understand that, his daughter is blood related, whereas your daughter isn't. However, your daughter is the daughter of the person he supposedly loves and married - which should count for much more than it does. If your husband doesn't see your daughter as an equal to his, then there's not a chance his family are going too. Your husband should be the one to say to his parents 'Why hasn't X and X been invited to the pantomime and meal'. He should be the one to say 'X is my wife and X is my step-daughter, and I expect them to be treated the same as anyone else in the family'. The fact your husband doesn't advocate for you and your daughter, is bloody awful. No wonder you feel sidelined. However, none of this is your step-daughter's fault, she's 14. She's indifferent to you and your daughter because to be honest, so is her Dad and extended family! She knows no other way to behave towards you. Your husband should be utterly ashamed of not only himself, for allowing his own family to treat you like lodgers but equally because he treats you the same. I'd be questioning if I wanted to remain in a relationship with a man who's happy to see me sidelined and who isn't prepared to stand up for me or my daughter.

OP, I have read all your previous posts under this username. I'll be honest - you have a DH problem.

He does not advocate for you or your daughter with his family. Not only that, he goes so far to enable their ill treatment of you both.

If your previous posts are true, to an outsider it seems that they don't really like you and your daughter. You are excluded from a lot of family gatherings - and your husband does not have your back in any of the scenarios.

Honestly OP, if you stay in this marriage this won't change. You will always be second best, he will never back you, and your daughter will grow up with massive self esteem issues and think she isn't good enough.

I don't think MIL, SIL or DSD have done anything wrong. What's wrong here is your expectation that a) it's stepdaughter's job to entertain/bond with your daughter and b) that MIL should have included your daughter in the day out.

MIL wants to spend time with her granddaughter which is perfectly reasonable. Your daughter is not her granddaughter.

If your daughter was upset, you could offer to have one of her friends over, go shopping & have lunch out or treat her in some other way. Remind her that stepdaughter wants to spend time with her family and that you will see her soon.

If you continue to make a fuss about non-issues like this, you will cause a rift and probably damage your relationship with stepdaughter and DHs family.

Op

i feel for you a little. Of course you hoped your husbands family would adopt your little girl into their family especially as she didn't have her fathers family in her life but disappointing as it was for you, it didn't happen and bluntly if it didn't happen when she was a super cute 5 year old, it's not going to happen now. Families are different, some would have incorporated her and some wouldn't as you have discovered. How ever nice it would have been , bluntly you don't get to demand they treat her as a granddaughter because she isint.
you need to let this go now as you are hurtling your daughter by this continuous expectation that you know won't be met. You need to be all breezy oh sd is out with her granny today , she is clearly picking up on your expectations over tht years and is hurt as well.
it feels like when you found out your sd was out with her grandmother , you immediately jumped on thr phone to contact your husband. What were you hoping he would do. ? Demand his mother take her too? He can't make her and even if he could would you want her where she is not wanted.
you need to make your peace with this now for the sake of your marriage and your wider relationship with his family.
yes you're disappointed on your daughters behalf but you're wrong to try and keep forcing this issue and just upsetting everyone else .

The grandma's taken her grandchild out- who is 14, so doesn't need it to be run by dad, and you're upset? Because they didn't invite your child, who is actually nothing to do with them? Why would they invite her?
Your reaction is over the top.

Adults are always so desperate to pretend they have "blended" families instead of forcing unrelated children to live together, then get angry when the children won't play along. I will never understand it.

You need to stop giving your daughter negative vibes about this and reinforcing her upset. Now is the time to teach her some resilience, not mop her tears and agree with her. There are numerous times she will suffer disappointments in life, some major, some minor. If she doesn’t start to learn that now then she’s in for a lifetime of misery. Your expectations are unrealistic if you think that children whether step or otherwise should all have exactly the same opportunities. Life isn’t the Waltons and in the majority of families, the children have different interests and individual activities. This is real life and you need to come to grips with this yourself so you can better help your daughter to grow and develop as an individual.

Wedding
The wedding your husband was best man for, you and your daughter should have both been included. Bridesmaid awkwardness/seating plan etc irrelevant, it was rude.
I still would have gone to the evening do with my daughter as the compromise offered

Show
Niece's show and meal, I would have insisted my husband took us along as we're either part of the extended family or we're not. Not sure why you have never been accepted by them.
I would never plan to just turn up anyway to either, uninvited. That's spectre at the feast. Cringe.

Meal
If no other partners going, it was clearly a catch-up between two people.
Caveat - if you had never met/been introduced, it would have been an opportunity to have cousin over at your home first before they went out. Another example of you being kept separate when you are neither a mistress nor an overlap.

Holiday
If it was just you as a couple, then it was not a family holiday to be hijacked by either daughter.
That said, unless I thought I would be a third wheel (spousification?) I may have taken her along, to see if I could build my own rapport with her. That said, your husband talks about fairness so that applies to your child too.

Blended families can be a nightmare.
Made harder by there being no "half" siblings relationship here.
But undivided attention to a five year old in terms of keeping her separate - and I was that age when my own parents split - when there hasn't even been acrimony there on her mum's part...your husband has caused this.

He did not want his daughter to feel jealous of yours or for there to be siblings rivalry.
But nor has he done any of the blending one would have expected, especially at that age.
He has not considered or accepted your child as his own or given you the opportunity to accept his as your own.
His family see blood being thicker than water and he has never pulled them up on it, to include you both.

Nine years later, that dynamic will never change.
I am sorry for you all.

After 7 or 9 years you really need to get the message op. No amount of forcing your daughter on any of them will change anything.

His family and his daughter are polite and tolerant but that’s all they have no want or desire to creat a stronger or closer relationship with your child or you.

Shes 14 she can make plans with her granny and aunty not like dad was home. She hardly needs babysitting by dad’s wife.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your step-daughters family taking her out BUT it is pretty rude all round for them to take her out without letting you know especially as you had a day out planned with both girls. Your step daughter she have made sure that was convenient for you and so should the adults.

I'm afraid this just seems like a tantrum on your part op.

It didn't play out the way you wanted, I get that. But I don't think anyone has done anything wrong.

It’s not ruined! Relationships don’t work like that! Two people don’t have to spend every available moment with each other to bond and build on their relationship and a bonding moment isn’t ‘ruined’ or void just because people spend time apart.

You can’t force a bond between your DD and DSD, especially after 9 years! It’s not like they’ve just met, if they aren’t close after 9 months maybe they’re just very different people and are never going to be really close. All you’re going to do by trying to force it though is put pressure on their relationship and likely force it apart.

I can only assume based on the fact you’ve started a thread here that you are pandering to your DD’s tears but that’s doing nothing to help her build resilience or navigate the fact that people are entitled to relationships outside of herself. Your DSD is entitled to spend time with her family without your DD needing to be involved, especially considering the fact they’re teenagers; even with biological siblings they wouldn’t both have to always be there when spending time with extended family! Time with family doesn’t always have to be equal. Your DD joining the grandmother and aunt would have changed the dynamic and it’s okay that they didn’t invite her. You and your DD need to get over this, you both had an idea of a lovely day with DSD in mind but it doesn’t sound like she was actually involved in this plan and it’s fine for her to make her own plans at 14. If you were looking forward to a lovely day why can’t you just have a nice day with your DD today and I’m sure there’ll be another day when DSD is also available in future.

No, DD’s father isn’t in her life at all, so she is there all the time.