In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Ok, a poster here suggested we read your previous threads. I found 7, between December 2023 and today. I read every post you’ve written on those seven threads.

You and your daughter appear to be treated by your husband’s family as weird hangers-on that they can’t quite shake off. They seem to have no idea why you are even there. Maybe they think you and your daughter are both lodgers or something.

You are not invited to things, then an invitation to part of the event begrudgingly appears. Or you are invited and your daughter isn’t.

Your husband doesn’t stand up for either of you. He is quick to announce he’s only your daughter’s step father when someone comments. He is described as ‘good’. Erm, I disagree there.

His daughter is polite, ‘good manners’ but ‘indifferent’, ‘completely uninterested’. These things don’t align with ‘polite’ and ‘good manners’ to me.

Your step daughter refused to share a room with your daughter on holiday.

Please get your child away from these hideous people and keep her away.

This has been her entire childhood. She knows nothing different than this cold attitude towards her, yes you have your family but to be treated like this, rejected and as an afterthought? That will really fuck her up. Like, it will really fuck her up.

You are about to enter the teenage years with her, if you carry on in this marriage I wouldn’t be surprised if you wake up one day to find she’s done a runner and won’t come back. Then she can have lots of lovely adult relationships where she’s treated badly, because that’s all she knows.

My family would include anyone who was in their orbit. My stepdaughter has no interest in anybody from my family with the exception of my brother who works in a business related to a hobby she has. She was staying 20 miles from him and paid an impromptu visit to show her grandfather the business. She is always polite but no interest.

She is given Christmas and Birthday money.

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

They are individuals. You can’t force them to spend time together.

If you daughter had wanted to go out with her friends would you have stopped her or insisted she took your step daughter?

I get that you wish it. But nine years on you have to accept how things are, and you shouldn’t be letting your DD take on board any of it at all. You’ll both be so much happier, able to enjoy the relationships you do have. Your DSD will too, as I suspect she is also ( now anyway ) picking up on your discontent.

Listen to the advice on here ( again), and let it go.

I'm not sure what to make of all the quite harsh comments. The OP is clearly struggling and the situation is far from nice or straightforward.

It is entirely within the realm of possibility that things could have worked out completely differently.

The husband's family could have been more inclusive towards the new wife and her child in particular, even embraced her as one of their own.

For whatever reason, they haven't. (Nor can anyone force them to!)

But clearly the possibility of it makes the actual reality much harder for the OP. It is a rejection of sorts of her and her child.

I do agree that the OP needs to find a way to manage the situation and her own feelings.

Ohhhhh @PestoHoliday - is this the poster who was going to turn up at the same panto as DSD and her family, uninvited, and sit alongside them? This post now makes a lot more sense...

@Tinogirl

Are you taking onboard any of the feedback you're getting here?

They’ve had a breakthrough in bonding and then she’s chosen to go off with other family members. It’s not her job to look after you or her step sister in any way shape or form. Nothing is ruined. Unless you ruin it, it’s all fine. Next time she comes back the girls can pick up the relationship where they left off.

I can’t believe these responses! They’ve been in your daughters life for 9 years they should absolutely be treating her the same!

You were going to sit beside them at a Panto you hadn’t been invited to? Why?

Yabu. I don't understand why you upset about this. Of course your stepdaughter wants to spend time with her gran and aunt.

I think that situation is a little different as the step daughter does not live with them. So when would OPs family ever meet her? But OPs daughter is literally there every day with their son/cousin (ie OPs husband).

Thank fuck for this message. Yes, they should.

Has your husband adopted your daughter? I assume not?

Of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Yes!!!!! My own DSD has an older (half) sibling and they do completely separate things with their own "sides" of the family frequently! At this moment in time, DSDs half brother is on holiday with his own dad whilst DSD is at home with her mum!

Again. It doesn’t matter what you, your family or mine would or could do. You have to deal with the actual situation with the actual people involved. You’re wasting days of your life going over and over this. You have wasted a good dealt of today, time you won’t get back. It will impact your DD, your DSD at some point, and your relationship with your DH.

Make peace with it and move forward.

For whatever reason they don't like you and don't see you as part of the family.
I think your DH is at fault here for not stepping in and putting a stop to it.
Some of the previous examples show you are being excluded in events when others would be included. However today's example I don't see as a problem if you had been told. DH needs to make sure that the family aren't just contacting his daughter to make plans but to let you know too. He should also perhaps have a word with her about checking plans with you before agreeing to other activities. At 14 I imagine SD will be using her phone to make plans with others, but it would be good for her to check in with your first that no big trip is planned, or for you to tell her in advance what day you have something in mind and not to make other arrangements.

I think SD didn’t tell you that she was going out because she knows what you think about your ILs not inviting your dd and she didn’t want the drama.

Many 14 year olds are allowed to choose what they are doing and when they go out over the school holidays and weekends. I suspect that this sort of thing has helped SD become more confident over the years.

Your h thinks it’s fine not to invite your DD so you need to either tell her so that she has realistic expectations or leave. Your h doesn’t see blended families like you do and tbh he has the more realistic vision because the children are respected as individuals with different needs and nobody is forced to invite another child so they don’t get grief from the new DIL.

Have you inadvertently told your dd about your vision of blending? If you’ve built up sd being her sibling etc then it was always going to end in tears.

Listen to what your h is saying. He is fine with sd going out when she wants and has no problem with his sister only inviting sd.

If you’re angry about the effort you put into sd then you need to let it go. She’s a child and should have a stepparent doing lifts or whatever and if you do that kind of thing, you’re doing a favour for your h.

If your h takes your efforts for granted then that’s another thread. He doesn’t owe you making his family include your dd though.

Right, I am caught up.
Correct me if I am wrong on any of the following.

You have been married for 9 years. Your husband has known your daughter since she was four but never let him call her "dad". He has been a decent stepfather.
Your stepdaughter, his daughter, would have been 5 1/2 but never wanted to sleep over at your house.

In your first thread on this, you said he saw her 3x a year but then later 3x a week so assume must have been a typo. She is, by all accounts, a polite, confident pleasant girl but has only been away with you twice. No particular issues with loyalty to her Mum, no overlap or affair or anything, she just isn't that into you.

I've read your other threads OP.

I think you're flogging a dead horse. Your SD isn't interested. Her family are allowed to take her out without her step-sister.

Presumably OPs daughter spends time with her dad too so isn't there all the time and it seems the SD is with OP regularly, 2 times a week according to another thread.

Tbh in my family step isn't really a thing everyone is treated the same, but that is a different scenario in that my maternal grandparents divorced and remarried, so my step gran was my mum's step mum from childhood, my mum lived with her and my granddad and she has known me from birth she actually drove my mum to hospital when she went into labour (we're very close, closer than her biological grandchildren tbh) so I'm not exec to the idea of treating people differently. However OPs previous threads give a different slant, some of her reactions have been really over the top and it's good to get a full perspective in terms of what she views as fair

Sounds like your step daughter has been left for several days to entertain your daughter - she’s 14 and probably bored out of her mind. If she’s spoken to her grandmother she’s probably made the decision to get her out the house .

@StrictlySequinsandStiIettos In your first thread on this, you said he saw her 3x a year but then later 3x a week so assume must have been a typo

I read that, I think OPs daughter sees her dad infrequently, but OPs husband sees his daughter three times a week.

Thing is, even if you think they ought to, they don't, and that is a thing that you have to deal with sometimes in a blended family situation. OP cannot control her in laws, but she can control her own behaviour and response and she's got a history of doing that in a batshit way.

She was also wrong to make assumptions that a 14 year old would be available to spend time with DD without checking first, and that would be true even if they were bio sisters.

Quite. I can't imagine spending 3 hours of my summer holidays as a 14 year old explaining anything to my 12 year old sister, I would have been out with my friends, so that was very nice of the SD.