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Original poster

In-laws have taken step-daughter out

548 replies

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:43

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

OP posts:
bruffin · 05/08/2025 15:17

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 14:47

You mentioned the following (any updates would be good):

Cousin's wedding you and your daughter were excluded from.

Niece's show and meal you and your daughter were excluded from.

A meal with a cousin, just them and your husband, you alone were excluded from.

A holiday just you and your husband, your stepdaughter then wanted to come on.

And now, you have stepdaughter staying as others were not available, and her aunt/gran have taken her without consultation.

You have a husband and in-law problem.

It might be the OP who is the problem and the in-laws want nothing to do with her!

UpDo · 05/08/2025 15:18

Reading some of OPs previous threads, there's such a complex backstory here.

On the thread about whether you should take DSD on your couple's holiday to the US OP, I thought at the time and still do that you were totally within your rights not to include her. Also that her DM was a CF to expect it.

But I notice the DM said it looked like you want DSD at things to entertain DD and I have to wonder whether this is a sentiment held by the rest of the family. Based on your posts this thread, it's not completely out there.

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 15:18

Finally, I agree your MIL and SIL have been rude today by not consulting you.
They were either available to look after their niece or they weren't.
To text her themselves, with nothing agreed in advance, was rude. You might have already bought tickets to something.
It's not her fault, she's 14.
It's their fault.
No wonder you feel used/picked up to be dropped again.
But - and I have a 12 year old and 14 year old so I know(!) - you cannot force a relationship, entertaining each other or anything bordering on sisterly (even if step didn't come into it) at this age. They'll either get on, tolerate each other or get on each others nerves. That fluctuates quickly and can be in the same day, hour or minute.

Your daughter should have still gone to lunch with you. You should have taken her out regardless.

outdooryone · 05/08/2025 15:19

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 14:36

My family would include anyone who was in their orbit. My stepdaughter has no interest in anybody from my family with the exception of my brother who works in a business related to a hobby she has. She was staying 20 miles from him and paid an impromptu visit to show her grandfather the business. She is always polite but no interest.

She is given Christmas and Birthday money.

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Yes.
My in-laws and my father would take out one of mine on their own, particularly as the child becomes an adult and the grandparents have got older. Lovely 1:1 time.

Zippedydodah · 05/08/2025 15:22

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

If they haven’t’bonded’ after 9 years then I greatly suspect that ain’t going to happen OP 🙄

LoveItaly · 05/08/2025 15:23

bruffin · 05/08/2025 15:17

It might be the OP who is the problem and the in-laws want nothing to do with her!

Show quote history

I suspect you may be right there.

Tablesandchairs23 · 05/08/2025 15:26

If they've not bonded after 9 years. Don't think they will now .

Member984815 · 05/08/2025 15:27

That's her family and she's entitled to go out with them , she isn't there simply to occupy your daughter. You can't force a sisterly relationship, even in blood sisters.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 05/08/2025 15:27

9 years in an there is an established dynamic you will not now change overnight. It is nice your DD and DSD had a bonding moment. It isn't reasonable to expect DSD to drop all her plans and spend a 'lovely day together' because you want things to be different to how they are. This is a case of accepting the dynamics of your family, or breaking it up — you do not have to stay in an intolerable marriage, even if it is intolerable because of the dynamic brought about by DSD.

party4you · 05/08/2025 15:28

Why is the bond from yesterday now ruined? It sounds like you’re ruining it by being overbearing and dramatic.

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 05/08/2025 15:29

LoveItaly · 05/08/2025 15:23

I suspect you may be right there.

Show quote history

This is exactly how I’m guessing the situation is. That the OP is, for whatever reason, deeply unlikeable to her DHs family and they want to avoid her, which then has a knock on effect for her DD. This is probably compounded by her jealousy and dislike of her DSD and her obsessive need for DSD to bond with her DD and want them to be sisters. DSD has likely picked up on this also and relayed this to her family. I suspect her DSD could possibly have messaged the aunt and GM herself this morning and said ‘Please come and get me out of this house and away from these people’.

OP, give it up. If the girls have not bonded in 9 years it’s not going to happen. They are not step sisters to DSD, your DD is simply her father’s wife’s daughter. Leave this poor child alone and work on your own DDs resilience. If it’s bothering you that much, then end your marriage. But for the love of god, stop with this insane jealousy and obsession with your DSD.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 15:29

No, DD’s father isn’t in her life at all, so she is there all the time.

This is ALWAYS the case on these threads. And the OP who marries into the family expects the IL’s to stand in and treat the child as if it’s their own niece/grandchild, without any prior discussions, and chaos ensues when the IL’s don’t fall into line, and carry on as they were.

The DD crying suggests OP has raised her to think they are the same.

I’d imagine no one gave OP any proper warning as they knew she’d kick off. Also shown by the laughing as they drove off. This reaction was expected.

UpDo · 05/08/2025 15:31

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 15:29

No, DD’s father isn’t in her life at all, so she is there all the time.

This is ALWAYS the case on these threads. And the OP who marries into the family expects the IL’s to stand in and treat the child as if it’s their own niece/grandchild, without any prior discussions, and chaos ensues when the IL’s don’t fall into line, and carry on as they were.

The DD crying suggests OP has raised her to think they are the same.

I’d imagine no one gave OP any proper warning as they knew she’d kick off. Also shown by the laughing as they drove off. This reaction was expected.

Edited

Yes, I've yet to see one where the OPs own child has a decent DF and fathers side of the family.

YourWildAmberSloth · 05/08/2025 15:34

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

It isn't ruined though is it? They still had a lovely time yesterday and will continue to have more. This seems to be about your s and your daughter's disappointment, rather than anyone doing anything wrong. If, for example, your daughter had plans which did not include SD and was happy enough doing that, you presumably wouldn't be upset that SD was going out. Perhaps yesterday felt like such a big breakthrough for you both that you have built this up into something more than it is. They can spend time together tomorrow or the day after.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/08/2025 15:34

You havent explained why you think "everything is ruined" because of one day?

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 15:35

OP, your child crying at this really isn’t a normal reaction. Her stepsister is going out with her family, that’s it.

I suggest working on this, or she’ll find adolescence impossible. The world doesn’t turn as you want it.

outerspacepotato · 05/08/2025 15:35

OP, does your family include your husband's daughter on the trips they take with you and your daughter?

I suspect there's been an expectation on your part that SD and your daughter would be besties and you have been pissed that didn't happen for multiple reasons. I think SD and her family knows this and are not happy with those expectations of her. You're also obviously jealous that your SD has financial privilege that you aren't able to provide for your daughter and your husband and his extended family aren't going to either.

You can accept you and your husband do not have a blended family. You have a forced family. There is not going to be bonding or even a facade of a close and loving family. Politeness is as good as it's going to get. If you can't live with that, you leave. Upsetting your daughter with unrealistic expectations is just not the way to go.

NurtureGrow · 05/08/2025 15:37

I think YANBU. It seems unkind to surprise you all and non-inclusive. I understand how that is difficult. At least some notice would make it a bit easier. I hope your daughter is ok xx

Smilesinthesunshine · 05/08/2025 15:37

I would go completely no contact with your husbands family from now on. They are rude and and goading you. I don't think it is fair on your daughter to have them in your lives, it could end up really negatively affecting her. I would tell your husband, there is to be no contact going forward and if he wants to see them he will have to visit them at their house.

DaisyChain505 · 05/08/2025 15:37

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 14:36

My family would include anyone who was in their orbit. My stepdaughter has no interest in anybody from my family with the exception of my brother who works in a business related to a hobby she has. She was staying 20 miles from him and paid an impromptu visit to show her grandfather the business. She is always polite but no interest.

She is given Christmas and Birthday money.

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Yes you would take one child and not the other because one child is their Granddaughter/niece and the other is the child of the woman their son/brother married.

Rooroobear · 05/08/2025 15:39

How do you see previous threads? Just curious

Itiswhysofew · 05/08/2025 15:39

Your SD has her own 14 year old life to live. She wanted to go out with her family and you just have to accept that you've no control over that, etc. Your life with stepchildren is not straightforward. If you accept that, you'll have less expectation and be less disappointed.

ellie09 · 05/08/2025 15:39

From reading the thread and some previous ones of the OP, its obvious that the frustration is coming from a lack of respect from DSD and also the in laws.

When you become a step-parent, thats exactly it, you are part of the parental unit. especially when you have been in DSD life since she was 5 and she is now 14!

I dont see an issue with DSD going out with her family.

DSD should not be used or manipulated to be a coping mechanism tool for DD. It sounds like DD could use some counselling.

However, I do think its extremely rude and disrespectful of DSD, in laws or DH not to make you aware of the plans in advance. As the parent in charge at the time, it is common courtesy to at least let you know about any pre arranged plans.

DaisyChain505 · 05/08/2025 15:41

Rooroobear · 05/08/2025 15:39

How do you see previous threads? Just curious

Search the OP’s name is searches and click on advanced search and threads by this person.

Hoardasurass · 05/08/2025 15:41

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 14:36

My family would include anyone who was in their orbit. My stepdaughter has no interest in anybody from my family with the exception of my brother who works in a business related to a hobby she has. She was staying 20 miles from him and paid an impromptu visit to show her grandfather the business. She is always polite but no interest.

She is given Christmas and Birthday money.

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Have you consider that the reason your in-laws avoid involving you and your dd because of your attitude?
You come across as very pushy and demanding which will put people's back up and its not going to endear you to them tbh its probably pushing them further away from you and your dd