In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

But you or your daughter don’t get to decide the plans for a 14 year old! She’s 14! I regularly get ideas for things to do with my teens and they regularly tell me no, they have other plans.

Whilst your DD may wanted to have spent the day with her step-sister, she can’t, because her step-sister has been invited out. It doesn’t matter who invited her out.

I don't make plans for my own DDs without consulting them, it was daft to make plans for a 14 year old without asking her first.

I think the issue is that you are wanting and expecting a blended family.

The reality is that very often blended families don’t work in real life for many reasons.

You need to accept that your daughters may never be close and don’t have to be.

My children and step children have NO contact now they are older and it’s just fine.

This. What if her step-sister was going out with her school friends? Would your DD be crying then and demanding she go along with them?

12 and 14 may be similar ages in numerical terms but often they are miles apart in terms of maturity and interests and in this case seem particularly so.

Get off MN and spend the day out with your daughter, rather than both moping and sulking like a couple of wet wipes

Agree, but also even if DSD was OPs you still can't assume a 14 year old wants to do an activity with their younger sibling without checking first.

The only one you are hurting with your ridiculous attitude and expectations is your DD.

You need some help op, you've lost yourself in the situation and need professional help.

Honestly, I feel sorry for the DSD. She is quite entitled to spend time with her family. It would be nice if her family included your daughter but they do not have to.

If sounds like the girls get on ok. Your dsd sounds like a lovely girls who is kind to your dd. You seem to have your own idea of what bonding is which is different from the girls.

This is a learning experience for your daughter. Sometimes plans change and sometimes others have plans that we cannot be included in. I would tell her to buck up and still have your day out.

Now it’s ruined? Bit dramatic OP, hope your DSD has a lovely day out with her Family, maybe you and DD have a lovely day together too?

This drama and reaction is unnecessary IMO..

I wouldn't automatically take a step sibling out with a niece, unless my own sibling asked me to.

I did go out with a step-grandma myself on a trip - she included me. But I was obviously aware that her big love was my brother, her grandchild.

My access time with my dad was always spent with my step mum and brother in tow. We were brought up together in terms of my access weekends/went on holiday together. There were initial teething problems but it did work out.
We are not amazingly close but I do like him/still have a relationship.

If your husband has not facilitated that and kept you separate, that's on him, not your in-laws.

Blimey. So in the space of about 8 minutes (if I’ve read that right) she has started threads about HRT, finding a school in Plymouth, failed IVF, helicopters and her mam’s blue badge. That’s a lot going on. I mean you’d have to be not quite human to keep that all whizzing around at once would you? Hats off to you @Tinogirl

You see, I don’t mean to be cold but I couldn’t give two hoots about my brother’s step-child.

Leave the poor kid alone. You're expecting far too much.

It's nice that she has an aunt and grandmother who want to take her out in the holidays. Of course she'd rather be taken out than hang around with you and your daughter. Being taken out and treated is more fun.

I remember your pantomine post, it was completely bananas.

Please don’t do the booking a table at the Greek restaurant OP. Really, that is just going to force a confrontation, or if your husband’s family have the sense and self control not to rise to this provocation, can’t you see that this is going to distance you even further?

How well do you know DH niece? I suspect hardly at all, anyway, not well enough for you to be invited.Or perhaps over the seven years you have been married , you have just failed to endear yourself to the extended family. Not necessarily your fault, sometimes people just don’t get on. But that sort of confrontation is not going to help things going forward.

it appears that when you complain to DH that your daughter ( not his daughter ) is not included in all His daughter’s family outings, he has made it abundantly clear that he has no intention of making a fuss to his family. The idea of calling him at work to complain about them is frankly batshit, and will not build a happy and stable family.

Quite a few people have asked if your family always treat your step daughter the same as they treat your daughter but you haven't answered

MurdoMunro Not me!

Apologies @Tinogirl i have checked again and was wrong.

I do also think in your defence, the maturity gap between 12 and 14 is huge. I often have to remind myself that my just turned 13yo, doesn't want to come everywhere with me anymore and will often have her own plans

Like others I am really struggling to see what the problem is here.

My husbands mum treats my oldest daughter like her own granddaughter, my husband has brought her up from the age of 3 and she is now 16 but she didn't have a relationship with her bio dad and his family so her and my FIL stepped into that role, she gets treated the same way as our children together, I'm not sure if the issue here is you feel she should be treated the same which I agree with or you're upset your step daughter wanted to go out instead of staying with your daughter

It is absolutely fine for your stepdaughter's aunt and granny to have taken her out on her own. Your child is not theirs and you cannot expect them to be treated the same. Your child can go out with your siblings and parents without her stepsister. You're being really unreasonable.

You’re forcing a relationship. You need to stop.

why should your in laws have to include your daughter with everything? They want to take out their own relation. Do your daughter’s father’s family take out your step daughter? I bet they don’t!

Yep @Tinogirl - What is the answer to this?

She is 14 . She is not meant to entertain your child. They are not sisters.
Its mad you have made this in to a issue.
She is spending time with her family .
Why didnt you just tell your child you two will go do something.