In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

As someone who was in a blended family since I was 11 and now in my 50s I totally get what you are talking about. I was extremely lucky that I was included in alot of things my step grandparents with their grandchildren when they visited. They lived miles away and my step siblings and my real siblings were all included when they visited. We had many trips out. They were very good to us. Used to visit with all my step fathers family and be included. I do think it's a shame your husband mother didn't include your daughter on this occasion even as you say sometimes they just take his daughter, I see that it's nice to include your daughter too. I often went with my mum out with my youngest step sister as she was included lots in our shopping trips.

Oh. You are very scary.

I have read your previous threads and feel for you in that you would like them to embrace your DD a bit more. I feel they are pretty cool towards her and that's a shame. Some people blend better than others.
I had a nice ex mil who made my children as equal as she could and was kind towards them.
I feel this week DH has used you as last resort childcare for his DD then something 'better' came along making you feel insignificant. Good enough while no one else was available then dumped.
But I don't think it's dsd who is doing it and given the chance she settles down with you and all is good.
I can understand why your DD is upset.

I don't think anything will change in this.
But I would feel similar if I was in your shoes. It feels like you and your DD are insignificant and maybe you are. Maybe you need to make them less significant to you or just keep it as it is they won't change. And many would say they don't need to.

I personally would embrace a child of my Dil more and make more effort. But others wouldn't.

I’m genuinely not doing this as a ‘gotcha’ post, but on the advice of a PP I went back and read other threads of yours, the most recent one being that you have said no to including your step daughter on a family holiday to the states, one which she specifically wanted to join you (and her father!) on. You say you worry it will make your daughter unhappy and change the dynamic of the holiday. You are talking in this thread about wanting the girls to bond - that seems like an exceptionally good and fun way to get them to bond and bring them closer? Can you not see that that is exactly the same as this situation, only magnified, as a holiday is a demonstrably bigger thing to be excluded from than a quick lunch out? I expect there are 9 years of your husband’s family doing things with their (biological) granddaughter and niece and not your daughter (essentially their step GD) and this is the straw that’s broken the camel’s back for you, but looking at it dispassionately and without heat, they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s lovely if your family include your step daughter in absolutely everything they do with your daughter/ their granddaughter, though it seems a little bizarre and intense. And, if they don’t include your step daughter in all their outings (which I can’t imagine they do…) then can’t you see the hypocrisy? It’s hard to rationalise when personal slights and grievances and in play, but no one has done anything wrong here!

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong but in this instance I think somebody should have said I know dsd is in your care these few days but we would like to pick her up at 10am and return her at 3pm for example.
I find that quite rude.
It feels for OP she was looking after 14 year old then she wasn't then she was again.
I think the family definitely enjoy winding her up.
OP just leave it be they won't change.

Why does no one understand why OP is u set? After 9 years the in/laws should accept OP’s daughter as part of the family and taken her out too x

Blood will always be thicker than water. That's how it comes across that there just tolerating you and your biological child. It's sad for you all but some poeple just are like that. Your step daughter is caught in between and I hope this doesn't effect her relationship with you. X

I have a 14 year old too.
Any plans are run past me first- yes she's a teenager and wanting increasing independence, but I've raised her to have the courtesy to discuss and agree things with me first.

I think I’m possibly missing your point OP but I can’t see why they wouldn’t just also invite your daughter along. I’m not saying they have to do so every time they want to take DSD out, but I also can’t see what it hurts to ask your daughter if she’d also like to go along knowing that it’s the school holidays and they’re picking DSD up from your home. She’s a child and a part of the family through marriage. I have zero time for any step family that leaves out other children, they’re just children and didn’t ask to be a part of a blended family.

I completely understand where you and your daughter are coming from. When I was younger my dad was married to someone I was only 3 years old not once was I accepted by her family as a member of the family they never got me a card for my birthday/Christmas they never took me out etc then when I was 13 my dad and his wife had a little boy and they seen him all the time took him out bought him things and gave them to him infront of me even like bags of sweets, toys etc bought him cards/presents at birthdays/Christmas' as a child i didnt understand why i was treated differently and wasnt invited out it really got to me and upset me i felt unwanted like your daughter etc as im older I obviously understand now but still wouldn't treat a child differently myself you've been together a long time I personally think it would have been nice to invite your daughter out aswell but maybe thats just me. I also understand them wanting to see their grandchild/ niece.

But why should they take her out? On previous threads, OP said DSD is at boarding school and rarely stays with her dad, so any time the wider family do see her must be sporadic. Why should they dilute their 1-1 time taking out OP's DD too? Does that mean OP's parents must invite DSD every occasion they want to spend precious time with her DD?

If I had a step grandchild I would treat them exactly the same as any other grandchildren. Why wouldn’t you?

YANBU I hate if when kids are left out. They should have taken both of none

Doesn't look like many on here have the braincells to understand what you are saying. Basically they asked your step daughter and they never ask your daughter as she isn't blood. I can't stand people like that. My sister in law has 3 kids and only one of them is my brothers but all 3 are treated the same by our family as my brother chose to accept them as his own so it would be disgusting of us to treat them any different. My partner of 9 years is only the dad of our youngest but his mum treats all 3 the same.. his dad and step mum on the other hand do not. Its annoying but they are not invited over unless they are willing to treat them the same. Im lucky my other half agrees with me and has even told them his self that all 3 are his not just the 1. My 2 eldest don't see their dad as he beat me while pregnant with my second born. My other half has brought my second born up since he was 6 months old.. (we was best friends for 25 years i did my just get with someone random)

The thing is this isn’t going to change. Nine years in and everyone has been consistent in their position and behaviours.

OP wants more - they don’t want to give more and she can’t force it.

it doesn’t matter what we would all do if we were her in laws or step child or husband. These people will not change.

OP is continually setting herself and her fighter up for heartbreak by wanting these people to behave differently. They won’t.

she needs to either find a way to accept the reality of these relationships or leave her husband.

I’m not going to be mean @Tinogirlbut I am going to lay out what I think is going on here.

Your DD has no relationship with her own father - you will feel some guilt about that, having presumably wanted her to have a stable upbringing with two parents. You then met someone who - in your eyes - could give her what was missing, and with a daughter of his own close in ages, it was almost a ready-made family.

The problems - from the start he made it clear your DD could not call him Dad. Which should have given you the indication that this was never going to be a case of a happy, close and blended family life.

You have given numerous instances of perceived (and indeed real) moments of feeling excluded by or from his family…. But that is the point, both he and they feel that there is Family A (his blood relatives) and Family B (you, him and your DD). They aren’t attempting to blend anything and probably do not wish to. I don’t think anyone has done anything to make you think they want to be more integrated in the time you have been married. I think you are chasing an unrealistic dream and unfortunately your response to this has been at times fairly reactionary and hyperbolic. I understand it comes from a place of pain but when will you realise you are flogging a dead horse?

If you want you and your daughter to be part of a bigger, closer family unit then there is no point seeking it with your in-laws. It won’t happen. And in the meantime both children will get caught in the emotional crossfire of a situation they neither chose nor wanted.

As I say, I am not trying to be mean, just honest, I think you thought that marriage to this man - and the family life that would go with it - would be very different. And it’s not. And it never will be, not after all this time.

You can only decide what to do next. If you want to remain in this relationship you need to accept it for what it is - forge stronger, closer relationships with your own family - build up your daughter’s resilience. Be nice, polite, well-mannered with your in-laws but without expectation.

I hope that this rings some bells.

They’ve made it clear for at least a decade that they don’t share OP’s opinions as to how a blended family ‘should’ operate, and that they have precisely zero desire or intentions to meet her expectations.

At some point OP would be wise to come to terms with that, because it isn’t going to change.

I have a step daughter. I don’t treat her the same as I do my daughter.

my son had a step gran and grandpa. Whilst they were nice and kind to him they did not treat him the same as their grandchildren. Why would they?

the ops blending has been going on for 9 years. Her DH doesn’t see himself as dad to her dd and his family do not see her as part of their family.

Thats the way it is. What can the op do to change it?

People understand very well what OP wants, but they also understand that she’s not going to get it (or indeed agree that her expectations are reasonable ones to have). You can loathe them as much as you like, they don’t see OP’s daughter as their sister/grandchild/niece and they don’t have to. If OP wanted that for her child then this was not the family to marry in to.

Exactly this.

Presumably you’re her mother though, and not someone she has a limited and superficial relationship with?

Her father doesn’t have a problem with daughter making plans independently of him, so why would she feel the need to run them past OP?

I don’t know if she has spoken to them or not. I just think it is very sad and maybe as someone else said, she has married into the wrong family.

She may have. But that isn’t her step daughter’s fault. Nor is it her wider family’s fault.

Usually Mumsnet is very vocal about children being treated the same when it comes to grandparents taking the children somewhere.

I reckon it only applies when it’s the stepmum’s family doing the outing. But when it comes to the OP’s husband’s family, all of a sudden SD doesn’t have to share her family and deserves time with them alone. I bet the answers would have been very different if it was OP’s family coming to pick the OP’s 9 year old up and the SD was left at home. Just a hunch but I bet people would have been feeling sorry for her.

I feel sorry for her - she hitched her pony to the wrong wagon though.