In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

She may have known her for 9 years but based on Op's posts they don't have much of a relationship. I've known my neighbours for 20 years.

Not seeing the issue. She went out with her grandmother and aunt perfectly normal. Blended families do things with their own families too!

There are so many family events for OP to get worked up about!

fast forward to Step daughters wedding🫣. OP screaming because her daughter isn’t bridesmaid and she isn’t at the top table. Grandchildren will be another opportunity for this lady to take offense.😂.

this poor kid’s life is going to revolve around her dad’s wife wanting this huge role for her and her daughter. Forcing feelings of closeness and family that simply aren’t there.

OP please get yourself and your daughter some counselling: maybe this marriage isn’t for you. These people aren’t going to give you what you desperately want. It’s not fair on anyone and you are making yourself ill

I think the same. It suggests some kind of rigidity and black and white thinking.

Meanwhile DSD is old enough to make her own arrangements and doesn't actually spend that much time with DH anyway.

If that's the case how have Op & her daughter become so obsessed?

Sounds as if the step daughter needs to stop seeing Op & her daughter for her own sake & theirs!

I think the issue here is that your daughter was really excited about spending a day with her half sister and was disappointed at the last minute change of plans.
That's understandable but a teaching moment really - say you're sorry you didn't know that dsd was going out but you can take the two girls out together another time.

You also need to tell your DH to have a word with his family - if you are in charge for the day then you need to be asked/at least informed about changes of plans, as imagine if you had bought them
Tickets to the theater or something that would go to waste.

Does your daughter not have paternal grandparents that take her out for one on one time
Somethings? Remind your daughter it's similar to this?

Her father is barely in her life at all, and she has nothing to do with his side of the family. Hence the desperation for her DD to be part of her DH’s family.

They are not half-sisters though, not even really step-sisters. The DSD barely spends any time in OPs house and prefers to see her dad outside of the house. At best they are acquaintances but they definitely don't have a sibling relationship and haven't during the 9 years OP and her dad has been together.

The communication point goes both ways. It's not a good idea to assume that a pretty independent sounding 14 year old is going to be available and up for any particular plan in the school holidays without asking first. This will also be true of OPs own daughter if and when she fits that description.

Absolutely. And actually, 14-16 is probably the worst age for them clomping on with their big boots and organising something for themselves and not considering anyone else.

I don’t think you get it though. Your SD is their relative, their GC and their family. Why wouldn’t they want to be with just her?
they are not sisters in any way, do you realise if you and dh split up she would never have to see you again in any capacity?

I just don’t know why people push these blended situations on others. A relative married someone with 4 kids, there is no way in hell I’m spending a great day out on those kids. I pick my niece and nephew up and treat them and my relative supports that. I don’t care what his wife feels about that. Those kids aren’t related and I will only spend on my family, not 4 children who I don’t even know.

Dad was at work so it’s not unreasonable for sd to assume that there’s no family events that had to take precedence. She could reasonably say that seeing her aunt was a family event.

Unless OP specifically asked sd to keep the day free because she’d booked something that was paid for, I don’t think sd did anything wrong. What little relationship they have is a result of dad respecting his daughter’s wishes.

I can’t help but wonder if sd asked aunt to take her out because it’s difficult being with OP and her dd. While I’m sure that OP’s dd is great, she’s too different to really get on with sd.

This is my thinking, I would never arrange to take my neice out (same age) without checking with my sister first. Also because sometimes kids will make mistakes and not realise they've double booked themselves or that it may cause offence/ affect others plans because they aren't operating with the full context. I also work with that age group and generally wouldn't be going directly via the young person without a correlating text to parent or guardian checking it at the same time or in advance until 16.

So no I don't think this is fair behaviour. I think it was wrong for the mil and auntie to just assume she was free without asking the op or her father first. Especially since most parents including step parents do make an effort in summer holidays to plan things when they have time with their kids to keep them occupied.

The only plan she's said she had was to take them to lunch at the same place they went to at the weekend. Not super exciting compared to a different day out. I suspect the rest will have been compelled play with the app.

Hmm, that's one of those things that sounds like a reasonable general principle, but in this specific situation with the history the family have might not have been a good idea. Not sure if you've read any of OPs previous threads.

Because think about it for a moment. DSD doesn't usually spend much time at OPs house through her own choice, and yesterday sounds like her 4th day staying there. OP also knows she isn't particularly interested in either of them. It's a realistic possibility that she asked her family if she could go to them, even if she'd had a nice time for the preceding 3 days.

Let's say they had asked OP, at some point after OP had made her plans, and OP had said yes I want DSD to do X with me and DD. OP still hadn't asked DSD, didn't know whether she would want to, had unilaterally decided that it would be nice for her to spend time with DD and do the same thing they were doing a couple of days ago. There's nothing to suggest she'd have gracefully given her blessing to whatever ILs wanted to do with DSD instead.

That places DSD in a potentially quite awkward position. And there've been a fair few of those with her family and OP. This may very well have been the least drama free option for DSD.

This is only an issue if the adults make it an issue. My neice also spends time in different households including with her ex stepfamily. I would still go through my sister, firstly because I'm not sure where she's staying on which nights and also because I know she is away at times and my sister will want to see her and do nice things together. My sister will then give her the choice and has done that in a way that makes it safe to do so.

By only going through the 14 yo, they're putting it on the 14yo to them pass the information to the adults and makes them the messenger which in this instance is clearly creating conflict.

It's obvious, no? Based on OP's pushy and obsessive 'I need it my way' mentality, step daughter called aunty for help and asked for urgent respite from her step mother and step sister. That's why OP's in-laws took her out in this way. It was a holiday rescue mission 😆

You’re going through your sister, her mother though?

SD is 14. She can decide where she goes for the day. Her relatives should not have to triangulate contact through her dad's insecure second wife that she has limited contact with herself.

Yes, and there's a very realistic chance at least one of the adults here would have done so.

That's my point. Your idea is ok when there's no reason to think the adults won't be sensible. Nothing about OPs posting history suggests that'll be her. If you've not read OPs previous threads, do, because they're more relevant than your sister.

This sounds very much like the established dynamic of this family though, and not something OP’s DH has a problem with. Why would they ask OP or her DH when the 14 year old has shown herself perfectly capable of managing her own time and relationships with them?

OP’s problem is just that - hers. The rest of the family don’t need to change something entirely normal to them that they’re all fine with in order to accommodate OP.

There actually might be some truth to this.

The DSD might be having ongoing conversations with her GM and Aunt about how she actually feels. It's also entirely possible that the dad is aware and this is why he's not getting involved.

I suspect that organising her own social life is encouraged by sd’s parents and is the sort of thing they do to encourage her confidence. SD is at OP’s house to see her dad and her dad is at work. OP knows that SD isn’t interested in her and her daughter.

It wouldn’t surprise me if aunt is encouraged to go out with sd whenever they want while OP’s h is at work and that he doesn’t expect to be asked every time. I also suspect that her h would see it as his sister doing everyone a favour as sd doesn’t enjoy the company of OP and her dd and anything that makes her visit more is a good thing for OP’s H.

OP was thoughtful of thinking of taking the girls out but maybe SD asked aunt to pick her up to avoid it? If it’s polite distance after all this time, polite distance is all that she can expect going forward.

This all sounds batshit to me.

DSD possibly forgot to tell you she had plans for the day? Or she didn’t tell you because she knew this ridiculous overreaction would occur. She’s 14. She can make plans with friends and family as she wishes.

Claiming everything is ruined is pathetic drama. I feel sorry for your DD caught up in all this.