In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Ive just read your other posts. Honestly, you have a husband problem. He likes the status quo of him and his biological.daighter and the wider family, but doesn't consider you and your daughter to be family in the same way. It's pretty atrocious.

Your stepdaughter and daughter relationship is a side issue. If your H presented a united front and insisted on you all being family it wouldn't be an issue.

Think seriously about how things will go when stepdaughter gets married, has children, has an illness. Compared to your daughter.

For someone who has been your daughter's stepfather for 9 years, he is treating her and you appallingly.

Sorry but the problem here is you.

Wow 😮. I am sure your DD wouldn’t of thought anything of it but for your reaction. Had you been non plussed and she hadn’t been picking up your vibe likely all be ok. Sorry OP. On this you are being unreasonable.
Nothing is ruined. Teens got on well. Your SD spent time with her family. No reason your DD had to tag along. Your reaction is what’s creating the divide.

This OP is clearly in need of professional help and her DD is vulnerable. Writing this number of threads about the same issue suggests something is very wrong. I think PPs should refrain from being so unkind to her

Your stepdaughter and daughter relationship is a side issue. If your H presented a united front and insisted on you all being family it wouldn't be an issue.

I wouldn't assume that.

DHs family clearly don't think of DD as family and OPs posting history shows his mother is against attempts to chivvy this along.

Meanwhile DSD is old enough to make her own arrangements and doesn't actually spend that much time with DH anyway. Even if he agreed with OP and were willing to try and play hardball with his family, he's not in a position to enforce it.

We don't know how the step-family was with the OP and her daughter when they first got married. She started posting about two years ago, but they've been married for 9 years. It could be that they were more welcoming and first and stepped back for whatever reason.

Or the husband has a wife problem.

She knew when she married him that neither he nor his family considered her daughter to be his. If that wasn’t what she wanted then she shouldn’t have continued the relationship.

She’s said in her previous threads that this has consistently been the situation.

The post that concerned me OP was how upset you were that DP’s cousin wanted to catch up with him without plus ones.

You seem to be hyper sensitive to things you perceive as rejection, perhaps mainly to do with DH’s family. You are the primary parent to a young girl who needs your guidance. You need to demonstrate to her that these things aren’t a big deal.

Your SD was kind to DD, she likely didn’t see it as bonding she was just being nice. Her going out with her grandmother didn’t ruin anything. The first day was still nice. It was ruined not because she went out but because of the reaction to it.

Of course if would be nice if everyone was a big happy family, but your SD seems to have consistently insisted on not staying in your house so it was never going to be. Let it go, she doesn’t have to be such a big character in your life. She’s a 14 year old child. Let her on with her school & life etc and focus on DD building her own in her own school with her own friends.

You mean is there a common denominator in all this and we are only hearing op's version?

This whole thing seems to be completely wrecking your daughters confidence OP completely and totally and your DH isn’t supportive at all.

Not only that your relationship seems to be turning you into something you probably don’t want to be either

Ah I remember the pantomime thread!! That was bonkers.

I really don't understand your issue. I have two children, my partner has one and we have two together. This week my older two are away with their dad and grandma. My step daughter is jn Devon with my in laws. We do things together and apart.
Also teenagers do their own thing. The older three are teenagers and one day they'll do things together and the next they hardly acknowledge each other and do things with friends. That's normal surely?

Again odd. My mother would run it past me if she wanted to or had spoken to my teenager about a day out. 14 is not 21. Depends obviously on the child and the dynamics, but yes if I am going to see my teenage nephew I would ask his dad first if a certain day suited and then ask my nephew if he wanted to and was free. Maybe in your family teenagers are aware of and remember the family plans, parties and events or holidays you have planned. In mine they do not tend to have a great grasp of everything so checking in with a parent first is normal (and if a stepparent is part of the family then I’d check with them if brother wasn’t around).

‘Permission’ is maybe the wrong word because it sounds like ownership. But my mother certainly wouldn’t take my teenager out/invite them somewhere for the day without speaking to me first to check we didn’t have plans or whatever. Surely most 14 year olds don’t just arrange their own lives entirely? They are still children within a family unit.

I think you need to look at this basically in the opposite way to how you are seeing it

I think the thing that went wrong here is that DD was encouraged to have that bonding time with DSD who sounds like a nice girl, but you know she has no emotional investment in your daughter, and your daughter, while your daughter wishes she did.

I think if anything it would be best to encourage your daughter to be as detached as possible from her. No "how lovely they're bonding" and more "yes DSD is coming but what do you want to do today?"

Encouraging her to bond in this situation is just setting her up to be hurt.

I also don't think it is very responsible to look after your DSD for her parents when you know the impact this has on your daughter.

It’s only ruined if you push that agenda.

Lighten up.

Just because you and your husband where happy to blend families doesn’t mean that your stepdaughter or her immediate family have to be happy about it or play along.

Putting myself in the 14 year old stepdaughter’s head - why should I consider the daughter of the woman my father married as more than an acquaintance? And do I have the right to have my own opinion of how I want our relationship to be?

Similarly, just because my father has married a second wife, do I have to fall in with her ideas of how a family should be? Isn’t it my family as well?

Parents in these situations may need to understand that just because they have fallen in love with someone who is not their children’s other parent, the children haven’t and shouldn’t be expected to immediately form a new family.

I know as an adult that I’ve been blindsided a couple of times with things that have happened in my extended family which affect me, but over which I have had no control or agency. It can be very difficult even as an adult. I can only imagine how it must feel for a child who has little independence and is still very dependent on her parents for almost everything.

Exactly.

After 9 years of marriage, your DD should be treated like family, they know her since she is 4. I'd definitely include both girls.
Hope your DD is okay.

Yep pressure. You can just imagine the OP relentless, all day - SD why don't you take DD to the park? SD why don't you take DD swimming? SD why don't you help DD with her activity? SD why don't you and DD do some baking? SD How about you and DD go out for a bike ride?

SD politely declining through gritted teeth and a painted on smile - but still the OP pushes and pushes.

Poor SD can't get a moment's peace and poor DD is left feeling rejected and upset by OP's continually raising her hopes with these ideas.

But they would if the parent isn't there. Clearly stepdaughter's aunt knows SD better than OP and has more of a familial relationship. OP is nothing more than a random person who the SD stayed with, as if she stayed with a neighbour while daddy is out.

I hate whiny entitled people who blame anyone but themselves for their misery. Poor step daughter. Op stope obsessing over her it's inappropriate

That's a bit harsh. OP has been with SDs dad for 9 years, that's over half her life. She's not a random person.

But my 14 yo doesn't run her plans past her step mum. She will let her know she's going out, with who and when she'll be back if her dad isnt home but if there's any discussion about whether she goes out or not she has it with me or her dad.