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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws have taken step-daughter out

548 replies

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:43

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2025 19:54

Your daughter is upset because of you. You've made her think that SD going out with her family is a personality contest. In reality, SD and DD have a positive relationship and SD has a healthy desire to also do some things without her Stepsister or Stepmom. She didn't promise to come out with you and let you down, she told you when you asked that she already had plans and politely declined your offer.

ZenNudist · 05/08/2025 19:59

I have 14yo and nearly 12yo. They do different things. The 14yo is much more independent. His younger brother stuck with us. It's just they are at different stages. Siblings don't bond that much. They crack on with their own friends and interests. YABU

Livelovebehappy · 05/08/2025 19:59

OP, maybe you could have just taken her out for the day? At that age, they love shopping. I bet she would have forgotten all about it.

Strawberrryfields · 05/08/2025 20:02

What kind of relationship does your daughter have with your mil and sil? Do they come round to yours for dinner, bbqs, Christmas? Do you go to theirs for a takeaway or Sunday lunch? Are there occasions where your mil, sil, your dd and dsd are altogether? I’m just not really understanding the dynamic.

Uricon2 · 05/08/2025 20:02

I think the roots of this go way back and I'm afraid OP you have some responsibility. Knowing your DD had an absent father you chose to marry a man who made it clear from the outset that he was not going to be a replacement Dad to her, not even letting her call him Dad years in. That was a clear message. Additionally, his family have followed that cue and are OK but distant and are not going to include her. Some of us would do things differently, at least sometimes, for the feelings of a child, but it doesn't sound as if anything has really changed. The situation now was always rather inevitable.

Your DSD is a mature 14 and your DD a young for her age 12. Even if full bio siblings, the likelihood is that they would not have an enormous amount in common at the moment and forcing the relationship in the way you are will not produce the result you want. None of this is DSDs fault. You need to focus on your DD, expanding the friendship groups she has, making sure she has plenty of time with her (your) family and building her confidence. Fretting about perceived slights will not help her, or you.

NeonQueen · 05/08/2025 20:08

Is this the same poster who took her child to a wedding breakfast even though child wasn't invited?

murasaki · 05/08/2025 20:15

NeonQueen · 05/08/2025 20:08

Is this the same poster who took her child to a wedding breakfast even though child wasn't invited?

I think that was a younger child and a boy as he got in and ate stuff, so I don't think so. Unless the OP changed details.....

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/08/2025 20:16

NeonQueen · 05/08/2025 20:08

Is this the same poster who took her child to a wedding breakfast even though child wasn't invited?

Same level of WTF but different posters I think.

ParmaVioletTea · 05/08/2025 20:24

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

By one event? This is catastrophising thinking and if you think this way, your DD will pick up on it. Bonding is a slow step by step process and it’s not linear.

If they were actual siblings, the age difference at this age would mean they’d not appear to be close. But closeness and bonding happens over a loooong stretch of time.

One event will not damage whatever there is between them; your catastrophic thinking will. As will your obvious deep resentment of your DH’s family. Children notice these things.

the7Vabo · 05/08/2025 20:30

Uricon2 · 05/08/2025 20:02

I think the roots of this go way back and I'm afraid OP you have some responsibility. Knowing your DD had an absent father you chose to marry a man who made it clear from the outset that he was not going to be a replacement Dad to her, not even letting her call him Dad years in. That was a clear message. Additionally, his family have followed that cue and are OK but distant and are not going to include her. Some of us would do things differently, at least sometimes, for the feelings of a child, but it doesn't sound as if anything has really changed. The situation now was always rather inevitable.

Your DSD is a mature 14 and your DD a young for her age 12. Even if full bio siblings, the likelihood is that they would not have an enormous amount in common at the moment and forcing the relationship in the way you are will not produce the result you want. None of this is DSDs fault. You need to focus on your DD, expanding the friendship groups she has, making sure she has plenty of time with her (your) family and building her confidence. Fretting about perceived slights will not help her, or you.

MNs is full of posters who feel abandoned by their father moving in with another woman & her children & playing happy families. DH is doing right by his own daughter. Not only that but OP was keen to stress in another thread that he is good to DD including financially supporting her.

Also DD sees her dad an handful of times a year. So she has a dad in name at least.

PerplexedConfusedBewildered · 05/08/2025 20:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

grumpygrape · 05/08/2025 20:42

Uricon2 · 05/08/2025 20:02

I think the roots of this go way back and I'm afraid OP you have some responsibility. Knowing your DD had an absent father you chose to marry a man who made it clear from the outset that he was not going to be a replacement Dad to her, not even letting her call him Dad years in. That was a clear message. Additionally, his family have followed that cue and are OK but distant and are not going to include her. Some of us would do things differently, at least sometimes, for the feelings of a child, but it doesn't sound as if anything has really changed. The situation now was always rather inevitable.

Your DSD is a mature 14 and your DD a young for her age 12. Even if full bio siblings, the likelihood is that they would not have an enormous amount in common at the moment and forcing the relationship in the way you are will not produce the result you want. None of this is DSDs fault. You need to focus on your DD, expanding the friendship groups she has, making sure she has plenty of time with her (your) family and building her confidence. Fretting about perceived slights will not help her, or you.

This x 100

Muhmuhmuh · 05/08/2025 20:44

Good lord! The families are completely different, I’m surprised OP and her husband are compatible. One girl is shy, the other is confident, educated at boarding school and able to articulate her modified order to a waiter. The step daughter and her family didn’t choose to blend, they don’t need to compromise to the extent OP wants them too. This “blend” will never happen. OP needs to accept this and invest in her own daughter.

OP I think you are struggling to accept your own daughter isn’t going to morph into the person your step daughter is. And neither should she. Love her fir who she is.

grumpygrape · 05/08/2025 20:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Again, I agree with this. OP is trying to force 'bonding' of two girls who have no biological link.

Hedgehogbrown · 05/08/2025 20:51

God being a step sibling sounds exhausting. Having to spend all day with someone you might have nothing in common with. Most time the parents want you to form a relationship but it just doesn't always happen. I don't see any of my Dad's girlfriends children any more. Why would I? If I was 14 I'd much rather spend the day with my own Aunty and GP, instead of some random woman and her child who I probably won't know in 10 years.

steff13 · 05/08/2025 21:07

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:36

“SIL laughed and said they would be back before DH anyway”.

Perhaps I misunderstood, but this didn’t sound like DH is aware.

Show quote history

That just means that sister-in-law didn't ask him that doesn't mean that the stepdaughter didn't text him and say "hey is it okay if I go out." He wasn't responding to the OP's messages but that doesn't mean he wasn't responding to his daughters.

My daughter is 14 and her grandparents make plans with her directly through her and she just generally tells me they're going out. I don't really think that she needs permission per se.

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 21:08

At 14 all I asked mine to do was let me know if they needed fed. They organised their own social lives. If they needed a lift I obliged of if I could. If not they sorted that too.

there’s a big difference between 12 and 14 in terms of confidence.

Brunettesmorefun · 05/08/2025 21:13

TickyandTacky · 05/08/2025 12:51

Ok a new wife. You're still not her mother. Why do you think she should stay in to entertain your child?

Show quote history

Harsh!

InterIgnis · 05/08/2025 21:16

What are you getting out of obsessing over this? Your in laws don’t, and will not, consider your daughter to be the same as their grandchild/niece. Your stepdaughter doesn’t, and very likely won’t, consider your daughter to be her sister. You can’t force bonding, as your years of attempts should have demonstrated to you. You’re only hurting yourself and your daughter by expecting something they’ve never offered, and will not offer.

Goldbar · 05/08/2025 21:19

Do you like your husband, OP? It's quite a big sacrifice to put up with a partner who doesn't really want a relationship with your DD and doesn't care that his family don't really include you and her? Is he worth it?

He's taking up quite a lot of space in your life and causing quite a lot of anxiety and resentment on your part, which is feeding through to your DD. If you want to 'belong', and be amongst people who are willing to welcome and appreciate your DD, this might not be the family for you.

ThrivingIn2025ing · 05/08/2025 21:19

Think about the fact your child is crying about this. Where has that reaction come from OP? It’s a massive overreaction.

It’s perfectly normal for your DH’s family to only want to spend time with their actual Grandchild. You say this has been going on for years, so you have unrealistic expectations of this relationship. They aren’t interested. Stop acting like this is the end of the world (especially in front of your child)!

SpryUmberZebra · 05/08/2025 21:27

This is from one of OPs posts from a few months ago, SD has done nothing wrong and OP needs to sort out the issue with her daughter.

@Tinogirl does your daughter have issues making friends or have issues socially? This level of jealousy and obsession for her SD is unhealthy and ridiculous. Her crying and staring at the app SD helped with is very worrying and strange.

“My daughter has become increasingly jealous of my stepdaughter because of her confidence and how she is so articulate, and being at ease with adults. I just don’t know how to help her with her confidence because all she can do is compare herself with my stepdaughter.
My daughter really, really wanted a relationship with my husband’s daughter. There is just under a year and a half between them but my stepdaughter has absolutely no interest in me or my daughter. She is always polite though, there has never been an issue with behaviour.
My daughter will be going to a state secondary school in September while my stepdaughter has always been privately educated.
SD’s mother is in a better financial position to us and crucially SD is central to her Dad as it should be and to Dh’s family whereas
daughter’s dad is indifferent to her and sees her about 2 or 3 times a year.
We are going, just the two of us, to Boston at Easter to see my cousin. I am hoping to use this as an opportunity to talk to her but I don’t know what to say. I worry she won’t reach her potential because she compares herself unfavourably to Dh’s daughter.
A really silly example but last night Stepdaughter spoke directly to waiter, asked for her meal to be modified but my daughter was almost struck dumb and I had to order her meal.”

Leedssdeel · 05/08/2025 21:32

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:43

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

Your daughter is not their granddaughter . I don’t mean to be blunt , but she isn’t. She is entitled to have a relationship with her family , they don’t have to include your daughter.

Candlesandmatches · 05/08/2025 21:34

As a Mum of two DC with a similar age group to your DD and SDC 14 (if not a bit earlier) is when they start to separate away. It’s about friends and fun times when offered. My two DC were very close. But then puberty hit older DC had 0 interest in him. Younger DC was devastated but it is a normal stage. You cannot fight it. Be positive and upbeat. Arrange fun things for the girls.
It is however ok to have an expectation that she will tell you about her plans with some notice. At the same time with the teen years pick your battles really carefully .

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/08/2025 21:36

Goldbar · 05/08/2025 21:19

Do you like your husband, OP? It's quite a big sacrifice to put up with a partner who doesn't really want a relationship with your DD and doesn't care that his family don't really include you and her? Is he worth it?

He's taking up quite a lot of space in your life and causing quite a lot of anxiety and resentment on your part, which is feeding through to your DD. If you want to 'belong', and be amongst people who are willing to welcome and appreciate your DD, this might not be the family for you.

It's not true that DH doesn't want a relationship with DD, he does and in one of her previous posts mentioned that he looks after her

The issue here is OP and her daughter are obsessed with having a close bond with SD and SD isn't really interested and frankly she doesn't even live with them she lives with MIL, goes to a different school etc so the issue is not DH but OP and her daughter's jealousy and obsession to be close to SD.