Page 15 | In-laws have taken step-daughter out

Tinogirl · 2025-08-05T11:43:21+00:00

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them. He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her, Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us. This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years. This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister. They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway. My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 05/08/2025 18:58

My DC have a step mum and half siblings. They all get on fine but I would never expect the step grandparents to include my kids in the thing they do with their DGC.

JMSA · 05/08/2025 19:00

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

What?? It’s only ruined if you/they let it be ruined.
Please be mindful of how you are coming across, and do encourage your daughter to focus on the positive.

Murdoch1949 · 05/08/2025 19:00

You should have taken the opportunity to do something 1:1 with your daughter.

SpryUmberZebra · 05/08/2025 19:05

Murdoch1949 · 05/08/2025 19:00

You should have taken the opportunity to do something 1:1 with your daughter.

The daughter didn’t want to and was instead crying and staring at the app SD helped her with. Makes me wonder if her daughter has her own friendship group.

murasaki · 05/08/2025 19:08

The OP seems to think that she could tap into a new family for her daughter as she chose her dad badly. It's sad that that hasn't worked out, but you'd think it wouldn't take 9 years to see it.

Everyday99 · 05/08/2025 19:09

It is simple to understand, but so? Your husband's relatives care only for the daughter with whom they share more blood ? I don't have explanation about their moral compass. Stand up for yourself and your daughter and tell your husband his female relatives are nuts and to leave you in peace

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 19:14

Everyday99 · 05/08/2025 19:09

It is simple to understand, but so? Your husband's relatives care only for the daughter with whom they share more blood ? I don't have explanation about their moral compass. Stand up for yourself and your daughter and tell your husband his female relatives are nuts and to leave you in peace

They are leaving the OP in peace already, that’s her issue. She wants to be front and centre, the same as the SD

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 05/08/2025 19:17

I think they find you difficult to be around and your daughter. I reckon you’re one of those people that create drama and make it all about you and people have to tread on egg shells. All me, me, me and your daughter is the same.

I don’t necessary think it’s a husband problem, he’s just aware they don’t like you 🤷♀️

TearsForFears2025 · 05/08/2025 19:20

I can maybe understand why this would be a bigger issue if your stepdaughter was a young child but at 14…? She needs her own independence, and her relationships with her relatives tie into that. She’s a teenager

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/08/2025 19:24

A year and a half difference in age at that age is not small, my brother and dh's brother had a year between them and when they were that age it was really noticeable and they never really bonded (no big deal here, separate families are fine by us).

MeridaBrave · 05/08/2025 19:25

I can’t work out who did anything wrong. SD can spend the day with her aunt. You can take your DD on a nice outing, why would you need SD for that?

bellamorgan · 05/08/2025 19:26

Thing is everyone saying but step mum. She isn’t. She is dad wife there is zero step mother relationship the dd has made that clear over the years. The dh’s family don’t see the step as family or really the wife. Never have never will. Dh is fine with that.

The only people who are mad are op and her daughter. Ops picked two men for families and neither have given what she wanted.

LadeOde · 05/08/2025 19:27

Everyday99 · 05/08/2025 19:09

It is simple to understand, but so? Your husband's relatives care only for the daughter with whom they share more blood ? I don't have explanation about their moral compass. Stand up for yourself and your daughter and tell your husband his female relatives are nuts and to leave you in peace

Well its not 'share more blood' is it? It's the daughter with whom they share any blood period. No one's bullying OP, and no one has cheated her, so what is she supposed to be 'standing up for herself' and DD about? Calling someone 'nuts' because they've taken their relative out for the day and not included OP's DD doesn't make them nuts, infact your post is altogether nuts and entitled.

ParmaVioletTea · 05/08/2025 19:29

GailPlattsDeadHusband · 05/08/2025 12:51

I recommend everyone reads the OPs previous threads🙄

Edited

Um, that seems like a lot of work.

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:29

So you have been left in charge of step daughter by your husband, with a plan for the day, and then his family arrive and announce they are taking step daughter out for the day?

This has nothing to do with your daughter OP. What would fucking piss me off is that in-laws arrive, intrude and derail. Did they message your step daughter direct to arrange this or was she unaware they were coming?

14 year olds have more independence but they require the permission of their parent, not MIL and SIL parenting. It’s intrusive, enmeshed and disregarding of your time and home.

Snorlaxo · 05/08/2025 19:33

there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Even if your brother’s child wanted/needed a break from their step sibling?

Families with more than one child often manufacture things so kids get to do what they like without the other sibling around.

I suspect that sd enjoyed her day with her aunt because she got a break from you and your dd. It sounds like she tolerates you and is polite which is good but it’s not the same as being able to totally relax. It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on sd to bond with your DD. You might not be doing it on purpose but the girls are very different and even if they went to the same school, they probably wouldn’t be friends. The more you push sd, the more she’ll resist being friendly.

steff13 · 05/08/2025 19:33

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:29

So you have been left in charge of step daughter by your husband, with a plan for the day, and then his family arrive and announce they are taking step daughter out for the day?

This has nothing to do with your daughter OP. What would fucking piss me off is that in-laws arrive, intrude and derail. Did they message your step daughter direct to arrange this or was she unaware they were coming?

14 year olds have more independence but they require the permission of their parent, not MIL and SIL parenting. It’s intrusive, enmeshed and disregarding of your time and home.

Maybe she had permission from her parent.

bellamorgan · 05/08/2025 19:36

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:29

So you have been left in charge of step daughter by your husband, with a plan for the day, and then his family arrive and announce they are taking step daughter out for the day?

This has nothing to do with your daughter OP. What would fucking piss me off is that in-laws arrive, intrude and derail. Did they message your step daughter direct to arrange this or was she unaware they were coming?

14 year olds have more independence but they require the permission of their parent, not MIL and SIL parenting. It’s intrusive, enmeshed and disregarding of your time and home.

Well ops not her parent and her Dh the actual parent has no problem and I’d bet good money the mother the other actual parent has no problem either.

Since this Dsd politely spends time rather than wants to she already laid her dues. Not her fault her father married a women expecting fairy tales.

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:36

steff13 · 05/08/2025 19:33

Maybe she had permission from her parent.

Show quote history

“SIL laughed and said they would be back before DH anyway”.

Perhaps I misunderstood, but this didn’t sound like DH is aware.

ShallIstart · 05/08/2025 19:37

OP do you think it is possible your step daughter asked her nan and aunt to take her out becuase she wanted some time to herself.
I know you said they are similar ages but even with a sibling a year younger the older one will start to pull away especially at 13.

Snorlaxo · 05/08/2025 19:46

whistlesandbells · 05/08/2025 19:36

“SIL laughed and said they would be back before DH anyway”.

Perhaps I misunderstood, but this didn’t sound like DH is aware.

Show quote history

I took it to mean SIL is confident that her brother won’t care because she’s done it before or that she knows her brother likes /always says yes to aunt-niece outings.
The comment about bring back before her brother is because she is respecting that he’s the dad and wants to see his dd when he gets back from work.

the7Vabo · 05/08/2025 19:49

bellamorgan · 05/08/2025 19:26

Thing is everyone saying but step mum. She isn’t. She is dad wife there is zero step mother relationship the dd has made that clear over the years. The dh’s family don’t see the step as family or really the wife. Never have never will. Dh is fine with that.

The only people who are mad are op and her daughter. Ops picked two men for families and neither have given what she wanted.

I think the OP’s in-laws don’t have to see her as step-mum but she is DH’s wife of nine years.

I think this happens though, I think those who come to marriages with kids are seen as more “other” to some people.

My mum has a friend whose daughter married a guy who has two kids by two different women & I think I heard about it close to 100 times!

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/08/2025 19:50

Unfortunately your daughter is not their family and they don't owe her anything or any time. Some people just can't overlook the lack of a blood tie.

You need to help your daughter manage her feelings around it and you need to be honest with her and manage her expectations. Nearly 9 years in they aren't going to change so you need to talk to her about the fact that not everyone sees your family unit in the same way and that doesn't mean that they dont like her, but that their priority are the people they are directly related to and that isn't her step sisters fault, or step dads etc, its just how some people are.

party4you · 05/08/2025 19:53

Omg your posting history… no wonder they don’t invite you or your DD out you’re obsessed with them all. They clearly don’t like you, OP. You need to stop with the obsessive behaviour I guarantee that is what is putting them off.

the7Vabo · 05/08/2025 19:54

Snorlaxo · 05/08/2025 19:46

I took it to mean SIL is confident that her brother won’t care because she’s done it before or that she knows her brother likes /always says yes to aunt-niece outings.
The comment about bring back before her brother is because she is respecting that he’s the dad and wants to see his dd when he gets back from work.

Show quote history

I think SIL is confident because the whole arrangement is set up around SD not wanting to stay in OP’s house. SD seeing her dad in MIL’s house has obviously been discussed within the family.
SD doesn’t want to be a family with the OP & her daughter, & the wider family are supporting her.

SD stayed over because MIL wasn’t around. She was nice & polite but when in-laws turned up back she went to them. Because that what she wants.

All the OP can really do is accept it, and for the sake of her own DD she has to.