Page 14 | In-laws have taken step-daughter out

Tinogirl · 2025-08-05T11:43:21+00:00

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them. He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her, Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us. This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years. This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister. They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway. My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

SpryUmberZebra · 05/08/2025 17:59

childofthe607080s · 05/08/2025 13:05

It means both families should include both children as the default in any treats

dad should have alone time with his child and OP should have alone time with hers

She needs to stop being so obsessed with SD bonding with her daughter. It’s jealousy, simple, and keeps comparing her daughter to SD and putting pressure for term to bond.

finalpunt · 05/08/2025 18:05

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 13:01

GailPlattsDeadHusband I know you’re having a go at me but you know what? I agree with you. I have to accept things,

I actually really like my stepdaughter. Like her dad she is hilarious. I just wish they could include my daughter. Not always just sometimes,

But she did, she spent 3 hours helping her

Tiswa · 05/08/2025 18:17

I don’t think you are helping this AT ALL. With that kind of age gap and siblings spending one day together and then the older one going out the next day sounds fairly normal when the oldest is 14

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 18:17

Trendyname · 05/08/2025 17:25

Still new wife when op corrects you that she is married to the father for 9 years? In your point making, you don’t care for facts, do you?

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Still doesn’t mean her husband’s daughter has to stay in and amuse her younger child for the second day in a row, because her child is a bit in awe of her.

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:19

Bellyblueboy · 05/08/2025 17:50

Yes you are right. They should have invited your daughter to join them. That would have been polite.

where you went wrong was telling your sister in law that she needed your permission to take her neice out for the day. I am very close to my niece and would be pretty pissed off in a step parent told me I needed their permission! I was there first😂.

Edited

OP is wholly unreasonable, but as a step parent, this rankles. We are constantly expected to take a back seat in our own families, to pick up the pieces for someone else’s children and to accommodate ridiculous entitlement from all sides. If a child is in my parental care (step or bio) it is only respectful of my role as their (step-)mum and my marriage to ask me if it’s ok to take them out. Unless you want your SiL to feel utterly sidelined in her own family, this attitude is just old fashioned ‘you came after me so now suffer my superiority in all your family dynamics.’ This is the reason blended families so often break down. There are problems in my blended family but fortunately my in-laws treat me as my husband’s wife and not some late-stage interloper.

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 18:21

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:19

OP is wholly unreasonable, but as a step parent, this rankles. We are constantly expected to take a back seat in our own families, to pick up the pieces for someone else’s children and to accommodate ridiculous entitlement from all sides. If a child is in my parental care (step or bio) it is only respectful of my role as their (step-)mum and my marriage to ask me if it’s ok to take them out. Unless you want your SiL to feel utterly sidelined in her own family, this attitude is just old fashioned ‘you came after me so now suffer my superiority in all your family dynamics.’ This is the reason blended families so often break down. There are problems in my blended family but fortunately my in-laws treat me as my husband’s wife and not some late-stage interloper.

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You don’t have to do any of that.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 18:23

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:19

OP is wholly unreasonable, but as a step parent, this rankles. We are constantly expected to take a back seat in our own families, to pick up the pieces for someone else’s children and to accommodate ridiculous entitlement from all sides. If a child is in my parental care (step or bio) it is only respectful of my role as their (step-)mum and my marriage to ask me if it’s ok to take them out. Unless you want your SiL to feel utterly sidelined in her own family, this attitude is just old fashioned ‘you came after me so now suffer my superiority in all your family dynamics.’ This is the reason blended families so often break down. There are problems in my blended family but fortunately my in-laws treat me as my husband’s wife and not some late-stage interloper.

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Sorry but as a SM, I completely disagree. And if my DB remarried someone with a child, I wouldn’t expect to have to ask that person’s permission to go out with my nephew. Ever.

CarpetKnees · 05/08/2025 18:23

You have a strange perception of the relationship between full siblings.

When mine were 14 and 12, I would not have expected the 14 year old to want to spend her time with the 12 year old if she had an offer from anyone to go out somewhere - even if that offer text was sent 10mins before she went out.
14 yr olds arrange their own time to a greater extent in the school holidays.
At that stage, 12 yr olds seem a lot younger.

In your particular case there is clearly an even greater than usual gap in maturity between the two girls.

Take the bit that makes you happy, that they spent the afternoon together yesterday and move on. Please stop projecting your disappointment on to your own dd all the time.

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:23

Tiswa · 05/08/2025 18:17

I don’t think you are helping this AT ALL. With that kind of age gap and siblings spending one day together and then the older one going out the next day sounds fairly normal when the oldest is 14

My bio sister is 2 years younger than me and for all our childhood and earlier teenage years we barely spoke or interacted without arguing. She looked up to me but I did not want my sister around when I was with friends or hanging out reading. When she got to about sixteen things thawed and we became closer, which has waxed and waned over the years - but we have a decent relationship and definitely a ‘bond’. Our mother left well alone, which was the right thing to do. All this to say - you can’t force things in any family. The dynamics need to play out, with love and support for all the children involved.

CutiePatootee · 05/08/2025 18:23

MageQueen · 05/08/2025 13:19

Do you have any idea how full siblings act? One day, they spend the day having a goo time an dplaying, and then the next, one wants to go off and do something entirely different (often the older one). This is perfectly normal.

And your SD is 14 for pity's sake. You're not "looking after her" in the same way you are a 8 year old. I woke up this morning and my 14 year old had already taken himself to the gym and is now downstairs making smoothies. Yesterday, him and his sister discussed the arrangements for a new pet they're getting and had a good time deciding who is responsible for what, when. Today, he probably won't say 2 words to her. Totally normal.

You’ve summed this up perfectly! That’s exactly how siblings are!

defrazzled · 05/08/2025 18:27

You need to really think this one thru OP. They haven;t done anything wrong. Were you hoping for a day off and for DSD to entertain your 12 yo all day? You cannot make your ILs view your child in the same way and it is unreasonable to pressure them too, or to make DSD feel bad.

Zippedydodah · 05/08/2025 18:29

MageQueen · Today 13:19
Do you have any idea how full siblings act? One day, they spend the day having a goo time an dplaying, and then the next, one wants to go off and do something entirely different (often the older one). This is perfectly normal.
And your SD is 14 for pity's sake. You're not "looking after her" in the same way you are a 8 year old. I woke up this morning and my 14 year old had already taken himself to the gym and is now downstairs making smoothies. Yesterday, him and his sister discussed the arrangements for a new pet they're getting and had a good time deciding who is responsible for what, when. Today, he probably won't say 2 words to her. Totally normal.

My two were like this too, perfectly normal.

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:29

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 18:23

Sorry but as a SM, I completely disagree. And if my DB remarried someone with a child, I wouldn’t expect to have to ask that person’s permission to go out with my nephew. Ever.

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I think this is crazy. You would expect a stepparent to take care of a child while her husband was at work or whatever, yet it is your right to swoop into her day and take the child out without checking in first? What about their plans as a family? What about if there are rules and boundaries established to keep the family running smoothly? Why should a stepmother step aside and cede to the wishes of people who disregard her role in her own family?

My SD has periodically lived with us full time. I cook her meals, put her to bed, help with homework, bathed her when she was small etc. If her aunt or nan wanted to take her out, I’d expect my husband to be consulted - but if he was at work or whatever they would just consult me as default.

I also have nephews I am very close to. If my brother married someone else, I’d see her as his wife and therefore his partner in life who has equal status in their blended family. I don’t ‘own’ my brother’s kids cos they are my blood relatives.

Anywherebuthere · 05/08/2025 18:30

YABU.

She is 14. You have no right to expect her to stay in to entertain your daughter. She was kind enough to spend 3 hours teaching her something. That is a lot of attention from a 14 year old.

She has every right to go out with her family. You know she's safe with her Aunt and Gran.

The girls bonding hasn't been ruined because the older one has gone out. You are being dramatic and they will pick up on your negativity.

With your attitude it will be you that ruins any possible bond between them.

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 05/08/2025 18:31

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:29

I think this is crazy. You would expect a stepparent to take care of a child while her husband was at work or whatever, yet it is your right to swoop into her day and take the child out without checking in first? What about their plans as a family? What about if there are rules and boundaries established to keep the family running smoothly? Why should a stepmother step aside and cede to the wishes of people who disregard her role in her own family?

My SD has periodically lived with us full time. I cook her meals, put her to bed, help with homework, bathed her when she was small etc. If her aunt or nan wanted to take her out, I’d expect my husband to be consulted - but if he was at work or whatever they would just consult me as default.

I also have nephews I am very close to. If my brother married someone else, I’d see her as his wife and therefore his partner in life who has equal status in their blended family. I don’t ‘own’ my brother’s kids cos they are my blood relatives.

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Don’t be ridiculous, the child is 14years old. My own mother doesn’t ask my permission to take my similar age DC out, she certainly wouldn’t be asking a ‘step parent’ their permission.

MascaraGirl · 05/08/2025 18:33

PurpleDiva22 · 05/08/2025 14:55

I don't really understand this thing of being treated equally. Growing up, my brother and sister were always taken away by family members to different events, it was never a case if of you took one of us somewhere you had to take all of us for fairness. And in the case they are step sisters, not full siblings so I can't really see a problem with one being brought somewhere, and one not. It would've been nice if you were told the plans.

I agree. My family has blended fairly well, but we all do separate things with our own relatives. It’s never been an issue.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 18:33

Soontobesingles · 05/08/2025 18:29

I think this is crazy. You would expect a stepparent to take care of a child while her husband was at work or whatever, yet it is your right to swoop into her day and take the child out without checking in first? What about their plans as a family? What about if there are rules and boundaries established to keep the family running smoothly? Why should a stepmother step aside and cede to the wishes of people who disregard her role in her own family?

My SD has periodically lived with us full time. I cook her meals, put her to bed, help with homework, bathed her when she was small etc. If her aunt or nan wanted to take her out, I’d expect my husband to be consulted - but if he was at work or whatever they would just consult me as default.

I also have nephews I am very close to. If my brother married someone else, I’d see her as his wife and therefore his partner in life who has equal status in their blended family. I don’t ‘own’ my brother’s kids cos they are my blood relatives.

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At 14 years old? Wise up 🤣🤣🤣

Namechangerage · 05/08/2025 18:33

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 14:11

Spanador we have been married 7 years and 4 months, nearly 8? In-laws. have known my daughter since Boxing Day 2016. Long enough not to treat her equally but with respect.

Step-daughter was woken by the ping of her mobile this morning by her aunt’s message asking her to go out.

I would not have left a similarly aged child out.

My daughter has loads of family and friends who love her but was looking forward to a day with her step-sister.

Well I would have expected stepdaughter to at least ask or let me know, not to just find out randomly. But if she wanted to go that’s up to her.

Anywherebuthere · 05/08/2025 18:35

GailPlattsDeadHusband · 05/08/2025 13:04

Just from the first page of searches these threads but there are many more. I'm actually starting to feel concerned for the DSD.

DSD goes to private school paid for by her mum.
OPs husband went to lunch with his cousin and didn’t invite OP
DSD aunt booked for her to go the pantomime. OP wanted to know if she was unreasonable to book tickets to the pantomime and a table at the same restaurant after for her and her daughter to make them all feel uncomfortable.
DSD was a bridesmaid at a family weeding

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Sounds like OP is the issue.

MooseLooseAboutTheHoose · 05/08/2025 18:37

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 18:33

At 14 years old? Wise up 🤣🤣🤣

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Exactly, like I said above, my own mother doesn’t ask my permission to take my DC out.

And anyway, the term ‘step mother’ is very loose in this situation. They are not a blended family, the daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want to stay in the house with OP and her DD, doesn’t want to go on holidays, share a room, do anything family-like with OP. However, shes incredibly mature to maintain a politeness in her interactions with them.

OP is not her step mother to this girl, she is this girls father’s wife, and her DD is her father’s wife’s daughter. Shes flogging a dead horse her and the jealousy and bitterness drips off her posts.

Snoken · 05/08/2025 18:43

@MooseLooseAboutTheHoose From memory of previous threads, I think the DSD is also at boarding school, so she spends very little time with her dad as it is but more with her mum. So there is really no mother/daughter/sibling relationship there to be so upset about.

FriendIsAngry · 05/08/2025 18:50

Floranan · 05/08/2025 14:11

I’m going to be hung out here, but well here goes.

why didn’t the MIL or DH or anyone let OP know there were plans. I don’t see how it’s ok to just rock up and say it’s all arranged ect. Yes OP should have perhaps asked SD if she had any plans, lesson learnt ask in future,

as for her DD well I would have just done something the two of us in her position. As a MIL I would not have taken the one child without asking if the other would like to come too. Yes I do have DSC and DSGC they are all the same in my book.

Might not have her phone number?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/08/2025 18:51

Catching up on this thread and the others started by the OP… The comments below are based on all of the threads, not just this one.

I don’t even know where to start. @Tinogirl you’re coming across as boiling bunny obsessive in regards to your SD.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this to another adult but here goes… It’s not your SD job to prop up your daughter.

Your daughter is who she is, she may be quiet, not confident, or lacking in some social skills but that’s ok…she is who she is and may grow into herself over time (or not). You need to stop comparing the two girls. Did you ever stop to think that the reason your DD goes to pieces around SD is because she picks up on your comparison?

Likewise, the SD is her own person and should not be looked down on for getting on with her life as she sees fit (as appropriate). Making plans with her family was perfectly reasonable at her age.

Lastly, your DH sounds like a saint for putting up with your nonsense regarding the girls all of these years.

Bellyblueboy · 05/08/2025 18:54

OP has a massive amount of posts - all revolve around various members of her husbands family not including her and /or her daughter. She has felt rejected by everyone - cousins, parent in laws, this poor child, sister in law.

No one is interested in a relationship with her.

OP - are you happy in your marriage? Why do these issues come up with such frequency for you?

I think with this volume of posting all revolving around rejection and exclusion then it’s time for professional help. Are your expectations reasonable? Instead of getting angry at how is, it’s probably time to accept how it is. It isn’t going to change:

Haginabag · 05/08/2025 18:57

This poster doesn’t like responses disagreeing with them. They just post the same theme with a different scenario a couple months later and hope for a different response.

They don’t seem to learn or listen to anyone.