In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

OP. DH, SD & MiL have all expressly said they don’t see DD as family. DH is good to her including part funding her, MIL gets her presents and SD is polite.

DD is a 12 year old girl. You constantly struggling with this risk damaging her at a very vulnerable age. Nobody loves DD less because she is not as pretty, popular or whatever as SD. They love her less because she isn’t their bio family.

Start treating it as something matter of fact. SD is meeting her grandmother. No need for upset. DD should not be encouraged to fixate on SD and you for that to happen you need to stop fixating on her.

Shout it loud....

You are being quite unreasonable@Tinogirlas most of the posts on this thread have indicated. It's understandable that you would like the girls to be close, but it's not something that can be forced. Think about yesterday, for instance. Your DSD helped your DD for 3 hours. Your DD seems to admire her stepsister and was probably thrilled to spend time with her as well as to receive help from her. But was it something that DSD really wanted to be doing? It doesn't sound like friends hanging out together as equals, more like a kindness from DSD to DD. There can be a huge gulf in maturity between a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old which DSD may feel.

It's perfectly fine for your DSD to spend time with her relatives on her own. As some PPs have pointed out, she may not have mentioned the outing earlier precisely because she was afraid of your reaction. You certainly seem to have turned the whole thing into an unnecessary drama. Your language is telling (you're "fuming," your DD's bond with DSD is now "ruined," etc.). Your DD's reaction is also OTT, probably because she is taking her cue from you. Crying, refusing to go out for lunch (otherwise known as cutting off your nose to spite your face). She should be told that it's fine for DSD to go out with her grandmother and aunt, that she should be happy for her stepsister, that she can choose to be jealous but it isn't really a productive emotion. I wouldn't be terribly sympathetic if she is sulking.

Your DSD sounds like a lovely young girl. If you want to destroy any chance of her becoming closer to your DD, then continue along the path you are currently on. The better option would be to stop creating drama where there should be none, take a huge step back, and let the relationship between the girls develop naturally.

Still new wife when op corrects you that she is married to the father for 9 years? In your point making, you don’t care for facts, do you?

It's been 9 years! You are flogging a dead horse here. DSD is polite and that is all that you can ask of her. She isn't your DDs friend or in any way a relative. She has come to see her dad who is working, so instead she is spending the day with her relatives on her dad's side. She is also 14 so she can definitely decide who she spends her days with.

Bollocks

To avoid such incidents in future, and for your daughters sake don’t offer nanny service. Anyways poster are quoting her being 14 as being old enough. You don’t have to look after her.
Or invite her to do something with you and your daughter separately.

I’m not convinced that sd felt any excitement to spend the day with your dd. It must be difficult for sd to balance not being mean with not giving your dd false hope that she wants to be friends.

The reality is that you and your dd are tolerated by your husband’s family and if you split tomorrow then none of them would be making the effort to check in. It’s been 8 years of disappointment and rejection- take the hint. You’re not seen as part of the family so focus on providing your dd with a fun summer for her sake because there’s nobody else.

YABU. And your overreaction is what is upsetting your own DD. You are making an enormous deal out of something very normal and innocent.

If your daughter is unhappy because she enjoyed the time with her stepsister yesterday and is sorry it isn’t going to happen today then I understand that you unhappy too. Your Step daughter is absolutely not being unreasonable to want to spend time with her aunt and grandmother. Don’t be needy. Put on a positive face and tell both girls you really enjoyed their company yesterday and praise your step daughters kindness in helping your daughter with the app. Today is for you and your daughter. Arrange more nice activities for the four of you.

Why are you so desperate for them to bond Op?

Do you think your SD will then want to invite you & your daughter everywhere?

Honestly your husband isn't interested so it isn't that surprising that no one else is.

Perhaps they felt you would be expecting them to pick up for her Dad's family's failings & just didn't want that involvement & so have gone to the other extreme?

Of course it could also be your SD asking that she isn't included in things such as today.

Trying to get her included sounds contrived and unhealthy. Tou seem to take this perceived rejection more personally than your dd and are projecting it which is making it worse,

Thanks, her previous threads definitely shed a lot more light.

@Tinogirl you need to focus on building your daughters confidence and helping her get over the comparison to and jealousy of her stepsister. She seems to desperately wants a relationship with her but the fact he they are not even raised together so the chance they will be close is slim.

And as others have said I don’t see what you’re upset about, we I actually see it and it’s more about your daughters disappointment and upset but unfortunately that’s for you and your daughter to resolve not SD.

You need to help her manage expectations, they are step sisters yes but they also live different lives and she can’t force SD to be close to her.

And I’m not sure how much of this is as a result if your projecting to your daughter, reading your posts you seem to be very involved in all of this trying to make SD like or spend time with your daughter or expecting SD’s family to accept your daughter, unfortunately they don’t have any obligation to your daughter, that’s just one of the cons of a blended family.

Relieved would be my guess

I think it’s pretty bad! I’d be upset on your DDs behalf why couldn’t they take both the girls out? Pretty poor behaviour taking one and not the other if you ask me.

Because they wanted to spend time with their niece/granddaughter alone, that's why.

I'm sorry but this thread is crazy.

It is not up to you to engineer this bonding you speak of and why is it ruined anyway, just because your step daughter is going out? You sound as dramatic as a drama lama teen (not all teens are dramatic). Stop it already with the self victimising, nothing is less endearing. I reckon that with your attitude it's you who stands in the way of any bonding.

And you and your dp have decide to blend families but you don't rule the universe so others that had no say in this blending will do what works for ether families and so they should. Why should your step daughter have any interest in your family op? You sound so entitled, unrealistic and overstepping.

Your husband's respond is good, he is basically ignoring you.

I mean

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.
Sounds like a sulky silly 7 year old.

There really isn’t anything for DH to mediate.

OP needs to work with her daughter so she understands that the relationship she has with SD is what it is and she needs to stop being jealous of her and desperately wanting a relationship with her.

Read through OPs previous posts, she has been going on about this and wants her daughter to “bond” with SD but SD really isn’t interested and also they don’t even live together, they live separate lives.

Instead of expecting DH to mediate OP needs to help her daughter build her confidence and accept the relationship for what it is. In fact building her confidence and stopping her drooling after SD may help the relationship because SD may even be put off by OPs daughter’s pressure to be close.

I mean her daughter was crying, refusing to go out for lunch, staring at the app SD helped her with, seriously????

OP needs to encourage her daughter to build her own friendships and get involved in her own activities.

Yes you are right. They should have invited your daughter to join them. That would have been polite.

where you went wrong was telling your sister in law that she needed your permission to take her neice out for the day. I am very close to my niece and would be pretty pissed off in a step parent told me I needed their permission! I was there first😂.

Bollocks!

Inferiority complex.

I get that your daughter feels left out, which is hardly your SD fault. It would be better if your SD grandma and aunt could take her out at different times but it's not realistic to ask them to.

Does your daughter not a relationship with your side of the family? I would take your daughter out and do stuff while the others are away.

They don’t have a typical blended family, SD doesn’t live with them and they only see her once in a while. She lives with her mother or MIL and sees her dad separately.

OP desperately wants her daughter to bond with SD but SD isn’t really interested or close to her.

OP had high hopes when SD spent some time with her daughter this time and is now throwing a strop that SD has done with her family and DD is upset crying and staring at the app SD helped her with.

OP needs to work on her confidence and help her understand that she doesn’t have to have a closed relationship with SD, if it happens fine if not she can’t be so desperate and crying over this. You can’t force SD to have a close relationship when they don’t even live together or spend that much time together.

And steps daughter's aunty will know that step daughter prefers days out without her step sister. I am guessing the going out was arranged at the request of OP's step daughter who was probably bored stiff the day before and asked aunty "help, get me out of here, I can't bare on more day in the company of Op and her daughter". So her family came and supported her. Good on them. They have her back. As opposed to you and your dd, @Tinogirl

It may even be that DSD enjoyed the last few days, but as she isnt used to staying with her dad and OP felt she'd had enough.