In-laws have taken step-daughter out

[Tinogirl]

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

I don't think OP's expecting that, just that it would be nice if her DD was included sometimes.

When I was small, of course my younger sisters were at my birthday parties. By the time I was 12 or so and having a small group of friends to do a thing e.g. laser quest, ice skating, one parent would take me and my friends, and the other would take my sisters somewhere else to do something. We'd all reconvene at home for birthday tea. Sometimes kids need their own thing, and that's fine.

I hope the OP and her daughter went out somewhere nice and will move on, however unlikely that seems.

Possibly one of the reasons that isn’t happening is because the family feel put under pressure by the OP.

From SD’s POV by the sounds of thing she spends most of her time with her mother. Maybe in that time she gets with her father & his family she doesn’t want to have to share it with a step-sister.

Of course it’s not “ruined” what drama.

They had a good time, were pleasant and helpful to each other , but it doesn’t mean they are going to be bbf . They both have separate lives which is how it should be. If you leave them to it they will find things to bond over and build a relationship. Sticking their hands together with emotional super glue and expecting them to become Twinnies is unrealistic.

Good for the DSD to sorting out her own relationship with her relatives, she sounds a lot kinder and more mature than you do.

You can't protect children from every single upset, though - that's just not reality. OP should just have taken her daughter out as planned.

There has got to be more to this. I admit not seeing the other posts but there must be a reason why the OP and her daughter are rejected by the husbands family.
Considering they have been married for 9 years there must be something that has caused this divide.
I don't know what the DH has done to try and resolve this - if he hasn't done anything at any point then I think it is a DH issue and not sure why the OP wanted to remain with him knowing his family are so bitter towards her and that he is passive about it, or whether DH knows the background and thinks it is best to keep everyone separate as whatever has happened cannot be fixed.

if you’ve read her previous threads you would see that the OP. is highly needy and unrealistic when it comes to relationships.

I can see why her DHs family keep her at arms length.

Why is the bond "ruined" just because one of the girls has gone out for the day ? It's only ruined if you make an issue of it.

I think you need to keep perspective. All that's happened here is that you couldn't build on the bond the girls started to develop yesterday with a day out today.
There will be plenty of other days you can take them out together. However, given they've been in each others lives for years, and this is the first 'breakthrough' you need to manage your expectations as it may well be yesterday was just a pleasant blip and it will be business as usual again.
What certainly won't help to encourage the bond is if you let your own DD sit there crying and feeling hard done to. If she shows this attitude to her step sister over a perfectly normal thing like going out with her relatives, she is going to come across as needy and demanding which will put the other child off.

You need to change your own thinking about it, because it is normal, and encourage your DD to see that it is too, and that they'll be another day for you all to go out together.

There is more to it. Read her previous threads.

She once wrote a thread about being furious and jealous that she wasn’t invited to her husbands, cousins partners birthday party.

None of her family were invited and the birthday girl was only having her own relatives and friends (which is perfectly normal) yet OP wrote on the thread that she was jealous.

it’s just not normal.

Also why the need for a second day? They two girls had a nice day together. Let SD off to do something else for the day, no need for it to be seen as a negative. Keep it easy breezy & more importantly positive for the 12 year old - “wasn’t SD great to help you with X?”, and go out to lunch.

Agreed. Nothing in OPs posting history has suggested she's able to cope with DSD having time solo with DHs family, at all.

I think that was a very selfish act on the SD family, they could have invited your daughter, I agree.

Their DGD obviously wouldn’t want her there either. So why would they bring her along. It’s not like they are close. DSD has been clear that she doesn’t even count her SS as a friend. She has not interest in her.

Why does OP want her child to go out with people that don’t want her there?

I get it, my cousin used to come and stay with me as she lived in another city, while she was here her paternal uncle used to take her out for amazing trips and shopping. I didn’t get to go and I was sad because I loved spending time with my cousin, and I wanted a day out too lol. I cannot imagine my mum kicking off because her family didn’t include me, just because we’re similar in age.

You seem to be very keen on bonds, how about boundaries? Specifically your stepdaughters. She is apparently polite, kind and respectful. She doesn't actually have to be, or necessarily want, to be any more than that. Perhaps meeting her on those terms might, in the long run, be a lot healthier and constructive, than trying to force her to fulfill your fantasies of what your family life should look like?

OP I think your attitude is a bit off, of course she can go out with her family without your DD. But I find it weird nobody told you the plan until the morning, could you ask that they let you know going forward because you might have planned something too and booked tickets etc? Can you not be aggy about it so they don’t feel scared to tell you? And your DD also needs to be taught some resilience here and adaptability. Not normal for her to react like that in my opinion.

You sound pretty self obsessed. Your DSD is entitled to bond with her blood relatives without your child around. This is a good learning curve for your daughter too... she isn't always going to be included in everything, all the time. And she isnt entitled to be. Leave you DSD alone and get a therapist ffs.

Yip. This.

You are exhibiting very strange behaviour and it’s rubbing off on your daughter.
Your daughter didn’t get her own way, you didn’t do you are both sulking, won’t be long before he runs for hills!

You SD has set out her cards, the most significant one from your other thread being that she doesn’t want to stay in your house. Which she was firm about at the age of 10. Your DH has also made his boundaries quite clear.

So DH & SD stay over in MIL’s house. It’s seems clear to me that as polite as SD is she doesn’t want you or DD to be a significant part of her life & has probably expressed as much to MiL. They are not therefore going to include your DD as SD doesn’t want this and they are her grandmother & aunt.

Your MiL has also stated that she doesn’t see DD as relative by saying it would be unreasonable to expect cousin to see her as family.

Your DD does see her dad albeit infrequently so DH’s family see her as ex’s child with her own family.

The most worrying thing is the thread about how your 12 year old compares herself unfavourably to SD. You need to take SD off a pedestal as some kind of pretty, popular godess who everyone adores.

You also seem excessively triggered by feeling left out & that is being passed on to DD at an age when she is vulnerable and needs perspective.

TBH I think your MIL and SIL were down right rude

to text a teen of 14 about going out, before checking with the person uncharge of her that day - that it wasn't going to clash with their plans isn't normal. Its common courtesy to check first and then say we were thinking of taking out dgd/dn not asking but just checking plans.

Your own daughter will bond and not being included will not change the way dsd treats your dd, so id not worry on the score.

shame she did't want to go out to lunch with you.

I wonder how your dh would feel if you left dsd home alone and took your dd to a spa for the day or to your brothers business?

You are over thinking this, op.

OP, I think you are trying to force a ‘blended family’ where there is no particular will from anyone else for there to be one.

Your stepdaughter loves her father, is polite and respectful to you and has recently been considerate to your daughter despite her being no relation of hers. Your stepdaughter obviously gets on with her mother, aunt, and grandmother, but they don’t feel any connection to your daughter and limited connection to you.

You cannot force people to love each other and your stepdaughter is moving in a totally different environment to your daughter. You have previously mentioned your daughter being envious of your stepdaughter’s confidence; she gets that, in part, from her schooling but also from having family members close to her.

Do you understand the concept of Venn Diagrams ? The only cross-over in the two families is you and your husband. You aren’t related to the rest of his family and he isn’t related to anyone in the rest of yours. Sometimes people from two sperate families bond but not always and as I said, you can’t force it.

I think if you keep resenting his family’s lack of interest in you and your daughter and you keep pursuing it as an issue with him he may start resenting you.

That panto and restaurant bit cannot be true 😮

Based on OPs posting history, I'm not sure that would actually have been too kind to either child.

OP has said DSD is polite to DD but clearly isn't that interested. She had already spent 3 hours with her yesterday plus the weekend together. Nothing about this indicates that DSD would actually have wanted DD there, or welcomed her presence. They're old enough now to pick up on this kind of thing.

There's also the possibility that DSD has picked up on OPs lack of boundaries. The actually quite short period spent together led to OP deciding it was a breakthrough in the relationship and DSD would be spending more bonding time with DD today. It couldn't just be some time they happened to spend together, it had to be part of a big relationship arc. It's quite an overreaction really, and it would be understandable if that were too much for DSD and she wanted some time away.