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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws have taken step-daughter out

548 replies

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:43

I have posted on here before…always the same story. . My husband and I each have a daughter- a year and a half separates them.

He was not in a relationship with her mother and is completely central to his and his family’s lives. I get that and it is how it should be but while they are all polite to my daughter they have never really embraced her,

Well this week my husband and child’s mother were both working and mother-in-law was away so stepdaughter was staying with us.

This rarely happens and we had a good weekend and yesterday Stepdaughter found out that daughter was struggling with something and spent three hours teaching her. Showing her techniques, downloading stuff etc. Now she is always polite but yesterday I felt there was a bit of a breakthrough after 9 years.

This morning they got up and said that I would take them to the place we went to at the weekend. Stepdaughter was again very polite, told me that I was very sweet but she was going out with her Grandmother and aunt- DH’s mum and sister.

They rock up, aunt comes to door, stepdaughter gets in back of car and off they shoot, I said I would have to ask DH as I was meant to be looking after her. SiL laughed and said she was 14 and they would actually be back before DH anyway.

My daughter now on her own in tears. I can’t get through to DH. I am fuming. Daughter then refused to go out for lunch. Sitting there using the app that stepdaughter showed her.

OP posts:
murasaki · 05/08/2025 15:42

I wonder what the SD's views on the app bonding were, whether she actually enjoyed it or just did it because she was polite. She may have used up her capacity with the 12 year old doing that and that is ok.

It was handled badly re letting the OP know today though, even if I can understand why. The SD shouldn't have laughed.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 15:42

Hoardasurass · 05/08/2025 15:41

Have you consider that the reason your in-laws avoid involving you and your dd because of your attitude?
You come across as very pushy and demanding which will put people's back up and its not going to endear you to them tbh its probably pushing them further away from you and your dd

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And from DD’s reaction, this attitude is being passed on. Another reason family might avoid taking her out. Seems it was expected, rather than appreciated, if it happened.

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/08/2025 15:44

Moveoverdarlin · 05/08/2025 14:28

You see, I don’t mean to be cold but I couldn’t give two hoots about my brother’s step-child.

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I've never met my older brother's step-daughter, nor have I ever wanted to.

amber763 · 05/08/2025 15:45

Your step daughter has done nothing wrong here. You might want them to bond but honestly after all this time you're never going to be able to force this and 14 year olds aren't really likely to want to hang with a 12 year old, especially if she's already much more mature. Similar age gap between me and my own sister and at that age she was always asking to hang out together. I rarely wanted to.

Is it shite that your husband's family don't include her some of the time? Eh yeah I think it is a bit however posting each time it happens and making it into a massive drama in you own mind won't change anything. If your daughter was in tears she very likely picks up on your feelings.

Rooroobear · 05/08/2025 15:46

DaisyChain505 · 05/08/2025 15:41

Search the OP’s name is searches and click on advanced search and threads by this person.

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Thank you x

outerspacepotato · 05/08/2025 15:47

"When you become a step-parent, thats exactly it, you are part of the parental unit."

I couldn't disagree more and apparently OP's husband feels the same.

He tells her to let his family do their thing.

She's not considered a parent to her step daughter by anyone.

Bournetilly · 05/08/2025 15:48

At 14 I can understand them making plans themselves with the 14 year old, I also would have checked prior to making your own plans that your DSD was free, I always had my own plans at 14.

thatsnothtepoint · 05/08/2025 15:48

Smilesinthesunshine · 05/08/2025 15:37

I would go completely no contact with your husbands family from now on. They are rude and and goading you. I don't think it is fair on your daughter to have them in your lives, it could end up really negatively affecting her. I would tell your husband, there is to be no contact going forward and if he wants to see them he will have to visit them at their house.

I suspect the DH, DSD and their family would prefer this. After nine years and a DH who from the start didn't want OP's DD to call him dad, the only one goading the OP is herself.

Enrichetta · 05/08/2025 15:51

The stepdaughter is very polite but clearly has not integrated into her dad's new family. I am guessing she simply doesn't gel with the OP and her daughter, and this is not something that can be forced.

Also, OP's daughter is a 'young' 12 year old, whereas the stepdaughter is 14 and seems quite mature for her age. The stepdaughter is making an effort to spend time with her stepsister, but he chances of them becoming best friends is clearly remote.

IT is perfectly acceptable that the stepdaughter wanted to go out with her blood relatives and for them not to include the daughter as this would have changed the dynamics of the outing. Moreover, I expect the stepdaughter needed a break from her father's family...

Edited to add: Can you try and make sure the day is not 'ruined' for your daughter? Why should it be ruined? I also agree with PPs that your daughter will be picking up on your quite unreasonable distress and that is not good. By all means support your daughter but don't mollycoddle her or put stupid ideas about being 'slighted' into her head.

Rooroobear · 05/08/2025 15:57

Wow, the obsession is real here! Jeez the previous posts are eye opening!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 05/08/2025 15:57

I doubt you're helping your daughter by making such a big deal about it. The way to handle it is to do something really nice that she will enjoy.

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 15:58

Smilesinthesunshine · 05/08/2025 15:37

I would go completely no contact with your husbands family from now on. They are rude and and goading you. I don't think it is fair on your daughter to have them in your lives, it could end up really negatively affecting her. I would tell your husband, there is to be no contact going forward and if he wants to see them he will have to visit them at their house.

I got the impression he does that already.
What I am struggling with is why they appear to have been "off" with her from the start. It's not out of loyalty to the first "DIL" so it's either a personality clash, a perceived neediness, something OP is completely unaware of or they are plain rude.

jolies1 · 05/08/2025 16:01

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 12:54

I want our daughters to bond; I definitely agree that they need alone time too with their own families but there is no way I would have left my brother’s stepchild out like that.

Yesterday they were really bonding and now it’s ruined.

Husband’s response about his family is oh you know what they’re like,

It’s only ruined if you let it be ruined.

The girls had a nice day together yesterday,
that’s great. Celebrate it.

Today she is having a trip out with her auntie, and your DD is having a day without having to share her mum.

Perhaps tomorrow you can all have a day out together?

LookingAtMyBhunas · 05/08/2025 16:02

You're lucky your DSD appears grounded and kind. Mine was a menace to all who knew her and was a contributing factor to the divorce without a doubt.

Poor girl.

the7Vabo · 05/08/2025 16:08

Tiredofwhataboutery · 05/08/2025 13:02

I’ve read one of your previous threads . Essentially your stepdaughter is the apple of her families eye and gets a lot of time/ money / attention. She is generally polite and well behaved and doesn’t come across as spoilt or rude despite having the best of everything heaped upon on her. She’s intelligent, articulate and mature fir her age. You seem to compare the two girls a lot, your daughter is young for age in comparison. You feel like your stepdaughter should receive less generally your daughter should be more included.

Really I think you have to consider if this is a dealbreaker for you or just go with it give your daughter time/ attention and help build her confidence. I suspect you are consistently making her feel bad in comparison. Not deliberately but this has been festering within you for ages.

Assuming the above is correct OP why are you wasting emotional energy on what SD does/doesn’t get from her grandmother etc.

SD seems to have set out her boundary - she’s polite but not really that interested in developing any significant relationship.

You are in danger of making your DD feel less than by keeping such a focus on another girl.

It’s been nine years. If it hasn’t happened it’s probably not going to happen. Let it go.

Helpmeplease2025 · 05/08/2025 16:09

StrictlySequinsandStiIettos · 05/08/2025 15:58

I got the impression he does that already.
What I am struggling with is why they appear to have been "off" with her from the start. It's not out of loyalty to the first "DIL" so it's either a personality clash, a perceived neediness, something OP is completely unaware of or they are plain rude.

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I did an AS as PP suggested. OP has repeatedly not been invited to parties, meet ups, pantomimes, has demanded her DD got a wedding invite then both refused to attend as it was evening only.

I think she’s someone they tolerate barely.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 05/08/2025 16:09

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Err, yes. Of course.

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:15

It's a pity your in-laws didn't think to include your daughter in the outing. I know she's not biologically their grand-daughter, but they are connected through marriage, and it's just plain mean to take one child out and leave the other one at home.

ShallIstart · 05/08/2025 16:17

I have two chikdren, same mum and dad, (me and partner) for both. One is older by 5 years and 13. He will just organise to go out and goes out with grandad or his other older cousin, or go in his bike to meet friends. He will just say ' mum im going round nans, or mum im going to the shop, or mum im going to meet my friend'. And then go. Often he will just have been playing with his younger brother who will be a bit put out or sometimes he might cry more becuase he wants to go out too but he is younger.
Theres nothing bad about the 12 year old going out with her auntie and grandna separately. You are making it an issue. It shouldnt be one.

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:19

Tinogirl · 05/08/2025 14:11

Spanador we have been married 7 years and 4 months, nearly 8? In-laws. have known my daughter since Boxing Day 2016. Long enough not to treat her equally but with respect.

Step-daughter was woken by the ping of her mobile this morning by her aunt’s message asking her to go out.

I would not have left a similarly aged child out.

My daughter has loads of family and friends who love her but was looking forward to a day with her step-sister.

OP, I would not have left a similarly aged child out, either. No, your in-laws are technically not obliged to take your DD, but it would have been the kind, decent, and thoughtful thing to do. I feel sorry for your DD.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 05/08/2025 16:19

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:15

It's a pity your in-laws didn't think to include your daughter in the outing. I know she's not biologically their grand-daughter, but they are connected through marriage, and it's just plain mean to take one child out and leave the other one at home.

It's not mean to want to spend time with your grandchild alone.

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:20

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 05/08/2025 16:09

I don’t expect parity, of course you love your own family more but would you really take one child out and not the other?

Err, yes. Of course.

But it's upsetting for the child who's left behind.

Matronic6 · 05/08/2025 16:20

YABU. SD isn't an emotional crutch for your child. She does have her own life and her own family that she is perfectly entitled to spend time with on her own. There is no reason your daughter's day has to be ruined. The two of you can do something nice together.

murasaki · 05/08/2025 16:22

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:20

But it's upsetting for the child who's left behind.

Show quote history

Well that's not their problem, and a 12 year old and a 14 year old have different interests and are different in the dynamic you have with them. Adapting a day for a kid who they are not related to is not something they have to do. They should have let the OP know, but they aren't doing anything wrong.

DaisyChain505 · 05/08/2025 16:23

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:15

It's a pity your in-laws didn't think to include your daughter in the outing. I know she's not biologically their grand-daughter, but they are connected through marriage, and it's just plain mean to take one child out and leave the other one at home.

They are connected by marriage because two people decided to get married. That was their choice and commitment. They don’t get to force other people to commit to taking on a non related child as if their own blood.