My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

Well done on making something of yourself OP! I’m sorry that your parents are not loving and kind, it baffles me when people treat their children like this. Be kind to yourself and focus on ways to enrich your own life without needing them. Being distant with them is probably the easiest way to detach yourself emotionally.

Op it sounds awful I’m sorry. You probably know this but it’s not anything wrong with you they just don’t have the capacity to be the parent you need.

have you tried some reading about the subject, may help- children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson or there are loads more.

i sympathise. My mum has dropped me completely since I’m not running around after her, I was the good/mature only child. My daughter gets upset as she can’t understand why grandma shows no interest , it’s hard to explain to a child that it’s not them and hard to accept as an adult.

housethatbuiltme's take is mine too.

My parents were always interested in my life. It's been an eye opener to observe my DH's family - his parents do not care AT ALL. If we didn't go to see them, we would never hear from them again. When we do see them, all they talk about is themselves. If you tell them something about yourself (even BIG news), they stare at you and you can almost hear the cogs in their brains turning, about how they can make this piece of news about themselves. We told them recently that our son would be getting married (big news) and that the wedding would be abroad. FIL stared at us silently for about a minute, and then told us a story about the time he was in that country, about 10 years ago. No questions or comments about our son. Utterly baffling. And very boring.

It seems a rational, adult attitude.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think some therapy will help while slowly building a social circle of friendships. Make friends with kind and supportive people that will value you. Join a couple of clubs you might be interested in for hobbies where you can meet like minded people. With time you’ll hopefully meet some lovely people that will enrich your life. Meeting my partner and having children has really opened my eyes. It’s better that you know now and build a full filling life. When you are ready hopefully you can meet a partner that’s caring and supportive and if you chose and are able to have children you can make that change and be there for them. You can love them unconditionally and actually care enough about them to want to maintain a friendship with them as well.

My parents were exactly the same when I left home and moved to a big city at 25. They never once rang to check in or see if everything was ok, so incredibly cold and hurtful.

I ended up going no contact with them in my 40s, mum has only just realised and has started to initiate contact via the odd text message. I'm 50 and so over it. I deserved better and so do you.

My mum's the same OP. At 18 she wanted me to be grown up and gone - it was like she thought she'd done her bit, tbf she lost interest as soon as I started having my own opinions. 30 years later she only phones me if she wants me to do something for her. When I would tell her I had something big happening she'd quickly get in, 'you wouldn't want your mum there.' My dad was worse though, completely disinterested.

I was always envious of my friends growing up and in my 20's whose parents really showed how much they loved and cared for them. The best thing you can do though is accept that that's how they are and that nothing you can do will change it.

Same for me but the other way around, my family didn't care and inlaws are warm, friendly, caring . I found it a bit much at first but now it's a blessing . Just shows how different people family lives can be x

Yanbu to feel upset and letdown, you're not to old for a bit of your mother's attention, while she's breathing.
Hopefully things improve.

Lovely post.

🌸🌸 for you OP.

This is sad OP. I've got DDs in their mid 20s and I just can't comprehend not being interested in their lives.

My mum could be a bit cold, but not on that level. You need to try and detach a bit and focus on the people in your life who bring you joy and happiness.

Agreed. I grew up in poverty, with both parents from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds — both lost one parent young, and the surviving parent struggled. They both left school at 13 because they were both eldest children and their wages were needed. Despite them pressuring me to leave school early, I got myself to university on scholarships, and funded my way through to a PhD on scholarships, PT jobs, living in squats etc.

One difference is that I left home at 18 and because I have so many younger siblings, I was on the sofa when I came back for a visit, and because that’s what my parents understand as a normal endpoint to hands-on, ‘providing a roof’ parenting.

I think they’re sad at the way I turned out (highly-educated, professional job, one child by choice), because they’d have preferred a daughter who was more like them, and whom they understood. But I have to be the adult in this situation. They have very limited life experience, actively reject anything new, and in many ways never grew up. I’m the adult. I manage the relationship as best I can, on a surface level. They have no idea to this day that they were appalling, neglectful parents, because in their eyes, all that parenting involves is a roof and basic clothes and food till you leave school.

In shoes, I would find a therapist to explore your feelings, and not expect your parents to be people they’re not.

My parents were/are a lot like this (one is now dead). I used to say I was "out of sight, out of mind" to them, and it really hurt my feelings when I could see my friends' parents being so involved in their lives. They were also incredulous when I raised it, like yours (making a similar comment re neediness). I'm now in my 40s and realised a long time ago that it's not about loving me, but just about how they communicate. They didn't feel the need to keep in touch in the way that I do. Reaching acceptance about it has brought me peace.

Are you nice? You’ve taken a few lines posted from a woman who is hurting and said that she’s snobby and superior. Maybe you’re nice in real life?

Another really great post; such understanding.

What a shitty response. It’s bloody hard to afford move out these days.

"I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

What is the relevance of the size of your parents' house on your past and current relationship with them?

I think it's reasonable to be resentful if your family always struggled with money and one parent refused to get a job (but didn't throw themselves into creating a nurturing environment at home, either by the sounds).

@spoonbillstretford , OP thinks she is better than her mother because her mother doesn't work and didn't do well academically. I only picked up on it because OP comes across as seeming to think she is better than her parents.

My in-laws are like that too. Never ask about the kids, never congratulate DH on anything, just tell lots of long stories about themselves and people we have never met.

I think that this is a real six of one, half a dozen of the other, situation. You’ve worked your arse off and can’t understand why they’re not happy for you. I wonder if they feel that you’ve rejected every aspect of their lives and they can’t understand why you want them to be so involved in your life. You and your parents have such different lives, you may as well come from different galaxies. You don’t understand each other or your respective outlooks on life. I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting parents who are enthusiastic about being involved with you. Of course you aren’t. But those aren’t the parents you’ve got, so if you want a relationship with them, you have to either work with what you do have, or distance yourself for your own sanity.

This is how she speaks to me. She literally hates me. She doesn’t hate you, any more than you hate her, even though you’ve described her in the way you have. They very clearly do love you, in their own way. If they didn’t love you and didn’t care about you, you’d have been told to leave a lot earlier and you’d still be working towards that PhD now. It can’t have been easy for them, having their child living with them and knowing that she felt contempt for their lives and for her mum’s entire personality. That she didn’t see their lives as good enough for her and that she was so desperate to escape a similar fate that she studied for something so advanced. But they did. They did that for you. Because you are their child and even if they don’t understand you, they do love you and want you to be happy. And, of course, for all of the faults you’ve listed of your mums, I strongly suspect that she could list a few faults of yours as well. Not because you’re not lovely, because I’m sure you are. But because when people are so incredibly different (or so incredibly similar to the point that they can’t even see it) they tend to clash a bit. Things like having to wait for weeks for £10 to get a new top is not that unusual; you had one working parent. So are you resenting them for being poor? Or are you resenting your mum for not being you? For not seeing that the life she’d chosen wasn’t good enough, for not studying, getting qualifications and getting a job so there was more money coming in?

I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?) I don’t think you’re anywhere near accepting or understanding of who they are. That goes for them too. I don’t think they accept or understand who you are either. The way you describe them, coming round to yours for a takeaway of an evening might as well be an invitation to stick a bowl of fruit on their head and go limbo dancing at Club Tropicana. It’s not their sort of thing at all. You want them to behave like your friends parents, not your parents. And I do understand that, I really do. But it’s like expecting a penguin to become a pedigree racehorse. It’s never going to happen and you’ll drive yourself mad trying to make it happen.

Personally I’d leave it a month, then try again with a really superficial relationship to start. A quick cup of tea every other week while Bargain Hunt is on. Chatting about aunty Janet’s bunions. Not talking about anything your mum might be negative about. Let them see that you’re their idea of pleasant company. If that doesn’t work, then the time might come where you have to remove yourself from the cause of your pain.

Remind yourself of This Be the Verse, by Philip Larkin, get yourself onto the stately homes thread and seek out some counselling 💐

Well I think she sounds better than her mother 🤷
Her mother can't even use the excuse of being a busy career woman to justify being a shit mum. Sounds like she didn't try academically, in her career or being a mother.

That does sound absolutely awful. Maybe a period of adjustment's happening while you all adapt to living apart, but even taking that into account, it's just very hurtful and extreme. Some families don't have a great bond, maybe, we aren't close and I wonder if I stopped texting my mum she might not ever reply, ever. Sorry OP. :-(.

What was your mum's life like in her family. If she comes from dysfunctional family she probably didn't know any better.She, unfortunately, is probably someone who shouldn't have a child (possible why you are an only).

Do you have cousins, other family you can connect with?