My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

I'm shocked that on MN, being a SAHM is being seen as a bad thing (I do personally think it's a bad thing, but MN is very accepting of it).

Previous generations were different. What we see as the norm now, they didn't. And it sounds like there is a HUGE culture / expectation gap between the OP and her parents. They don't understand her and she doesn't understand them.

I know one of the major issues with MIL is that DH (and me) refused to live our life in exactly the same way as they did. Leave school at 15, have a job you hate. She expected us to live around the corner and got to the same working men’s club first Saturday of the month (even though she hated it).
Choosing to do something else was seen as a criticism.
Eating different things, living in a different kind of house, going on holiday different to them, going to uni - all seen as getting at them and their choices not being good enough.

The only reason my parents visit is because they want to see their grandchild.

They were literally 20mins away a few months ago and didnt even text to see whether I wanted to go to them or if they could come to me.

I agree with all of this.

Financially supporting a child all the way up to the age of 28 is something I couldn't (and wouldn't have wanted to) do. Helping a bit, yes. But not to the degree your parents did.

And do not forget, they are OLD. I am very partial to my mind being numbed a bit with TV, given that I am a lot older than you. And I speak as an educated, professional woman. I'm tired a lot of the time. And mush TV is relaxing.

Do you think that maybe your active dislike for your parents has rubbed off on them and they KNOW you look down on and resent them? That wouldn't help a positive relationship.

You can clearly see the parents have been and still are emotionally abusive.

Nah, as a parent I don't get your reasoning
I can see that my kids will not like me sometimes in different stages of their lives as they are growing up and come to realise their parents are not perfect, it's a hard transition for kids sometimes. But as a parent to not even care about what your child is up to or even have no involvement that's completely different.

I must admit I haven't read the full thread and so am responding to you initial post, OP.

I do not know a single person who has been easy to live with while completing their PhD. Kudos and gratitude to your Mum and Dad.

I'd focus on turning this rejection narrative into something more positive. Establishing yourself more independently by moving out is a really good milestone. It opens up so many possibilities.I would spend your time on that and then when they reach out to you, you have some good stories to tell. But don't fester in supposed rejection.

I feel really sorry for you. Your parents (mother at least) do not sound loving and you now feel you are ‘alone in the world’. It’s so sad, there are parents out there who’d love to see more of their adult children, and then there are adult children who’d love to see more of their parents … It’s also unfair: your mum has 4 sisters, but you are an only child and by the sound of it, would have loved some siblings too! I think you’ve done really well achieving that PhD. Yes maybe you’ve overstayed your welcome. But it’s still strange, and painful, that they now want nothing to do with you at all. If I were you, I’d give them some time. Focus on yourself. Build a career. If you want it, try and find a partner. Start building other meaningful friendships. Anything goes: sports, volunteering, church, hiking groups, meet up groups, a book club. Build your own life. Try and accept your parents are not who you’d have liked them to be. Find help with this (therapist) if that could help you. You can do this! You have overcome a cold childhood where you did not feel very welcome, and you have built the beginning of a successful professional life. Now focus on friendships, relationships, hobbies … and who knows, you’ll parents will come back in your life once they sense you are no longer waiting around for them. You will find the happiness you’re searching for, I have no doubt about it!

Suggest you read @itsallabitmuchx responses.

And that’s enpugh to refuse to ta.knto your child ever again? Or to accept invites? Or to see her new house?

I have parents that were looking really good from the outside. Stuff like giving money/having your adult child at home? No issue.
But they behind those was the total lack of emotional involvement, expecting me to be the perfect child etc etc… Emotional neglect gave me c-PTSD.

Judging if one is a good parent from the outside, refusing to accept that the reality described by someone (like I’m old and it’s ok for me to watch TV so it has to be ok fir her mum, even when said mum was 30yo)m that’s just dismissing someone experience, if not gaslighting them,

@CoralOP , we don't know enough to pass judgement. Does being a 'busy career woman' justify being a shit mum. Are there 'busy career men' and does that justify being a shit dad?
There might have been all sorts of reasons why she didn't do well academically.
Is the mother a shit mum?

Have you come onto the wrong thread?

Yes thats tough to handle and being an only child with no sibling to have a bond with or share experiences as adults must indeed make it harder.

I think the only way to move on from feelings of rejection and being so very unhappy is acceptance. Let them be who they are and accept that their feelings and behaviours are nothing to do with you. It's their loss not have the close loving relationship they could have had with their only daughter. You haven't caused it and you can't change them. Don't let sadness, bitterness or resentment poison your life. Try and accept it's not a personal rejection of you, it's just 'them'.

My experience was that my mother was of the silent generation born in the 1930's. She was deeply damaged by her awful, neglectful childhood and as a result was often emotionally unavailable and didn't always put her children first, especially the eldest ones. Of her other 5 siblings, one is the most loving, kind, amazing parent you can imagine. Another was an abusive alcoholic who made their kids lives hell. One never had kids but was a genuinely nice person. They all coped and developed differently. Yours may have reasons why they are how they are, even if you don't know what those are. Do you have any grandaparents still around to talk to? Or your mothers sisters may have a perspective on their lives too. If you want to explore that background of course, I did and it helped me.

I also got some counselling in my early 20's that really helped my come to terms with my childhood and my parents.

Find people to love you and care for you, but more importantly find ways to show that love to yourself. I think those of us who grow up in these sorts of familiies don''t ever feel entirely secure in ourselves or believe we are lovable, It takes some work to get over those feelings.

Well done on your PhD and making something of your life despite your upbringing. You obviously have determination and self awareness which will help you throughout your life.

There's a lot going on here. Inverse snobbery from your mum, lots of resentment and judgement from you.

You say you had no choice but to live in a tiny house with them until 28. You DID have a choice. You chose to sacrifice space and boundaries to get your PHD, which is a great accomplishment but certainly wouldn't have helped the relationship, I'd imagine.

Adult children living with parents creates a very strange dynamic, I think. And you sound so different to your family that I just imagine this discomfort and nobody having anything in common.

I actually think space is a really good idea for all of you. It's a terrible shame that your parents don't show more interest in you. You're allowed to be upset about that. But it doesn't sound like you like them very much as people and I wonder how much of your sadness comes from expectations of what your relationship with parents should be. Have you ever asked yourself if you actually want the people that your parents are in your life quite so much? Do you miss them or the idea of having involved parents?

@TheOtherAgentJohnson

My mun doesn't know the ins and outs of my life either, and shows no interest in the minutiae of who I'm friends with, and what my likes and dislikes are. Why would she? I'm 43, she's 75.

Why wouldn't she?

Across three generations, my quite extended family talk to each other every few days about what we're doing, what's been happening, what we've got planned. We live our own lives, but we involve each other in those lives because that's the kind of family we are. When one of us is abroad for lengthy periods, we're in touch just as we would be if we were in the same neighbourhood.

I don't say that there's anything wrong with your relationship with your mother. But I do bridle a bit at the implication that that's how things should be. There are ways of being that are workable, sustainable and enjoyable that aren't your way of being.

Your changing my words. Some people (mother or father) would certainly use the excuse as having a busy career as a reason to be a shit parent, I was saying she can't even use this as an excuse.
That would in no way justify being a shit parent but would give them some kind of reason to cling to when trying to justify why they were shit.

Yes I would say someone who has a grown daughter who wants to have a nice relationship and to be remotely interested in her life and in turn the mother doesn't care about seeing her at all would be classed as a shit mother.

Depends if your kids hostility is active and scathing. The comments about mind-numbing TV are pretty judgemental. As is the lack of understanding about growing up poor.

You have at least four aunties (your mum has 4 sisters all of whom are very close), are there any cousins? What is your relationship like with other family members? If you could afford therapy at some point, it would definitely be a good idea for you.

I know it doesn't feel the same, but work at building a family through cultivating and nurturing friendships with people of different ages. Build your own connections and support networks. Your parents are who they are. They are in their 60s, they know you think they have depressingly small and sad lives, that their interests are mind-numbing. Give it some distance and build your own life. Get some therapy. One day maybe you will come to understand why your parents are the way they are and why you are the way you are.

It's not just TV though is it? It's 'mind-numbing TV'. Quite judgemental. Parents choice of activity described as mind-numbing by a person with a PhD. Huge intellectual snobbery being evoked there.

There are 2 sides to this story. And as I've said already, I suspect the parents explanation of this situation would be VERY different. The truth would probably fall somewhere in the middle.

Just remember this when they start needing care.

True. It does depend if your kids are hostile. Are yours? If so, I empathise.

But you really go on what the op says and comment on that. We don't have the others pov.

Can really only rely on the op view and take as read or what really is the point?

Read her other post

I have read your replies twice OP.
Your mother's is aware of your disgust at her lifestyle.
Your Dad is okay with your DM not working, if she choose to watch TV all day, that's her life.
I think you focus on the negatives, living nearly rent free while you studied in their tiny house, was a bonus.