My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

Trigger warning post mentions CSA.

Read up on avoidants I think your parents are likely avoidant and the problems come in when they have a child with different needs. They simply don’t have the tools to meet those needs.

My very large extended family is littered with avoidants and then the odd anxious or anxious avoidant child creeps in and the mis match wreaks havoc on everyone.

My own parents are lucky that they have mainly avoidant children who have tolerated this behaviour in them until unfortunately they had me and we just do not get along and don’t speak.

The avoidants will avoid all sorts and are often very authoritarian and demanding in their parenting style and lack warmth. It is so damaging for their children but it is rarely fixable, they are what they are.

I have done everything to not repeat this pattern with my children but I watched my siblings and watched it going down to the next generation through them. There was extreme abuse between my siblings growing up (including sexual abuse) and my avoidant parents just did not deal with it in any way and I just did not go along with that BS from them all or go along with that parenting in any way for my own children. It is not a good way to parent, it is very damaging.

What’s the point in having a kid and what’s the point in being family with attitudes like that?

Your mam’s attitude to life sounds far from normal so I suppose it’s not a surprise she’s not acting normally in this situation too. It’s sad she doesn’t care, but it sounds like she doesn’t care about much and just does enough to survive. Maybe her blaze attitude (depression??) rubs off on your dad.

I think you need to stop thinking about how your parents could be and what it would be like to be close to them - it’s not real, you can’t make them care- it’s not you, it’s them. You’re worthy of love and close bonds. But by dwelling on it you’re probably stopping yourself building relationships that nourish, nurture, pour into your cup etc. if you’re considering having children it would definitely be worth discussing with a therapist how to break to cycle and how to heal your trauma - and even if you’re not having kids actually. Speaking to a therapist will help.

You sound like a strong determined person, building a close and meaningful ‘chosen family’ will be hard and require a lot of personal strength, but if anyone is up for the task it’s someone like you. Hopefully you’ll be able to look back at the life you create like you will on your phd journey - against the odds but an amazing acheivement.

Wow! That was not my interpretation at all! Fascinating to read how others view @itsallabitmuchx post.

I rather looked at it that op was giving context to her upbringing in that her parents were always quite emotionally distant and continue to be. She doesn't say she's expecting them to fulfill an emotional need (she never had this anyway) but she was maybe (naively) expecting them to change and want to at least visit or some sort of involvement in her life...like most parents would do.

I expect the feeling you have of having nothing in common is there for them too. I think they could try harder. However I expect they feel your lack of interest in their boring tv is baffling.

It sounds like you're doing all you can. Its crap but just keep living your life and occasionally visiting and talking about their crap tv as though its interesting. Ask about their health, make them a cup of tea then go. Try to avoid the 'here we go again etc..' as I expect they have no idea.

She feels rejected by them. She feels unloved by them. That preceded her PhD as the whole relationship was formed in early childhood. That is on them. Not on her.

I love my dd’s and find them fascinating. They return the favour. At 28 and 26 we still love to talk to each other and care for each other. In fact I am sitting knee to knee with my own dd by my 92 year old mother’s hospital bed. As parents we reap what we sow with respect to our children. We get what we give. My mother loved me, I love my children, and they give it back in full measure.

OP’s parents may have done the best they could but they sound self absorbed and uninterested in her as a person.

OP I highly recommend Tich Nhat Hanh’s buddhist perspective “reconciliations” to n healing this kind of childhood experience of emotional neglect.

So they neglected you when you were a child, and continue to do so now you are an adult. I think the best thing you can do for your own sake is to stop chasing a relationship with them. They are never going to be the parents you hope for, and you are just going to keep being hurt over and over again. You can’t force them to step up, you can only minimise their power to hurt you by distancing yourself from them. Focus on yourself and on building a life that doesn’t involve them.

You just outstayed your welcome. they did support you, just in a different way.

Lots of us here have difficult parents, sorry to say but it is worse when they are in your life. Just follow their lead, detach and have a wonderful life. There is no point comparing with others, all families have issues.

Good luck x

Reading between the lines, and going by your age and that of your parents (your father is in his 60s, is your mother too?) it sounds like you may have been an unplanned/unexpected later life child. Perhaps your parents never really wanted to be parents? Did they ever talk to you about their earlier lives?

They may feel they have done their duty by you, and now it is time for you to make your own way in life. In any case, it sounds like you have grown up with very different values and aspirations.

You talk about your mother in particular with disdain and almost contempt - even if emotional intelligence is not her strong point, I am sure she must realise that, and it can't exactly make her want to spend time with you.

Many people do not have the parents or the family relationships they want. You aren't going to be able to change them, only your own expectations. Can you try to accept them as they are, and try to find emotional support and closeness elsewhere?

Wow, some of these responses are heartbreaking. I would feel very sad in your position. Have you spoken to them to let them know how they’re making you feel?

When was she 'clingy, expectant, jealous, and expecting them to fill relationship void'?
Your take on this is very strange.
She would like a takeaway or to catch a cuppa with her mum, why is that strange to you?
I have a take away with my inlaws every week, I have a trip to dunelm with my MIL when we want to look at house stuff etc. It's a lovely sign of a healthy mother daughter relationship, I certainly couldn't do this with my own absent mother.

As a mother I don't think I'll ever feel the need to DESERVE to not see my son, I look forward to anything we will do together in the future.

You're old school in my experience...that's how childhood should be being allowed to learn to socially interact, invent games and just be able to self manage

A lot of your answers are in your post though @itsallabitmuchx

1 they didn't have the money

2 I had to ask for weeks for £10 to get a new top (I had barely anything growing up and was embarrassed by this).

3 She doesn't understand why I would ever pay for a gym membership (waste of money) - when I go 5 times a week

4 paid rent but a little amount

They were/are poor! As poor, working class, uneducated people, while they could well be very proud of you, they have spent almost 30 years supporting you. Probably at least 10 years more (as uneducated, working class people) than they expected to. They probably expected you to leave school at 16 and go into work. You've also admitted yourself they had a tiny house, meaning they couldn't afford more.

I think possibly your expectations (financially and in practical terms) have exceeded what your parents expected to provide. And now they want a bit of space to finally be able to enjoy some retirement time.

IF your mum were so inclined to post here, she would probably write a very different account of this situation.

Not what I said at all. I'm 56 and like you had a good childhood. But we had more freedom than the younger generation... which is what I have said

This is so sad

Cant believe you're actually querying why a mother would care about her daughters likes and dislikes
"Why would she" um....because its normal to give a shit about people you love?

If you can't even be bothered to know anything about them, how can you love someone? If you don't actually know anything about their personalities and their likes you just love the abstract idea of "a daughter" rather than the real individual person.

It's bizarre to me you think a friend should care more about what makes someone them than the woman who gave birth to them, brought them up and shares half their genetic material.

You and your mother are completely different, by the way you describe her, she is like a woman I used to know, absolutely the opposite of someone having ‘get up and go’ she had no ambition or interest in anything. She was a nice woman but it was hard to believe how she held down a job. She avoided all work. When she got older she developed health issues and just didn’t bother trying to help herself or make any effort at all, even with her own health. She was a total mystery to me.

You sound like a completely different personality to your mum. Is it any wonder she has no interest in you? She doesn’t even have an interest in herself.

Sadly your parents sound very uncaring and emotionally inept.

They won’t change and as hard as it is you need to somehow come to peace with that 💐

I wouldn’t rush round when they are in need of your help when they’re older. Let them reap what they’ve sewn.

@itsallabitmuchx
I'd say your mum resents the fact that you have a lot more going for you than she ever has or ever will have. I'd say your mum did the best she could, but she's pretty crap not at all maternal and so her best was pretty shit.
It's rough for you and of course you deserve better, but they can't help who they are and that's all they got.
I know how hard it is to get past these sorts of things, my own feeling about being an only child is that because there's only one of you it's very easy to ignore you, you just don't have as much weight as you would if you had siblings to back you up. I realize that siblings can also bring their own problems!

I think that you have done well for yourself in what is essentially and emotionally neglectful upbringing. They ahve provided for you for an extended time and this must have been very hard on one salary on min wage with the cost of living crisis over that last decade.

Your focus now is not on trying to change them - but healing the damage this upbringing will have left you with....you have needs that were not met an its important that you now address these. Being a people-pleaser will lead you down a very unfillfilling life of relationships and friendships to ultimately burnout and disatisfaction. Well done on your PhD - but be conscious that being a workaholic can be an emotionally avoidant behaviour.

I note that your DM has an enmeshed set up with her sisters - this would indicate emotional immaturity and this is a great book to read:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents-ebook/dp/B00TZE87S4?ref_=ast_author_mpb

The long and the short of it is yes they have been emotionally insufficient - and that hurts and leaves gaps in your emotional development - the only way forward is an acceptance of what was/is regards their emotional sophistication but to then take responsibility to grow/heal those gaps yourself with professional help.

I'm nearly 50 and my nearly 80yo mum was interested to ask me what I was doing today. The OP's mum sounds really miserable, especially calling her needy.

On the other hand, you reap what you sow. I took my mum round a hot lunch today. You won't be needing to do that when this selfish pair get old/infirm if they've washed their hands of you - you could say that you are working and can't be doing with neediness.

Unfortunately some parents are just crap and they turn into equally crap grandparents. All you can do is learn from it and from how good you can be as a parent/grandparent via your friends parents and do better for your own children one day

That’s my plan

I’d get some counselling to help you move on they are not going to change.

id ring them once a month for 5 minutes to check in and leave it at that.

focus on your other relationships and take company/respect/love from those.

Oh I’m so sorry to read this OP, I do hear about parents like this, I don’t get it but it’s on them and not you. Where are you based? I’m 41 with two little girls of my own and feel sad your parents are like this.

I get you. My parents are similar (but I moved out at 19) and I beat myself up about if sor most of my 20's.
I thought it would improve when I got married but mum didn't even want to come dress shopping, on the day she looked me up and and down and said the dress was 'nice'.
I thought it would improve once I had kids but we still only see them a few times a year with minimal contact in between.
Now in my 40's I've come to terms with it. They made me and raised me and now it's my turn to look after myself and my family.

Why should she ring them?
They've called her needy, so they can bloody well ring her!