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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents... don't... care?!

471 replies

itsallabitmuchx · 05/08/2025 10:12

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 05/08/2025 16:36

Jaws2025 · 05/08/2025 10:24

How were they when you lived with them though? Were they interested in you then? I do think it's reasonable for parents to be quite happy that a 28 year old has left home! They're probably too busy having sex in the living room to talk to you.
give them some time to actually miss you.
And fill up your own life!

Agree. They probably just need a break to be themselves. I can understand that.

Horsie · 05/08/2025 16:39

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds rough.

Looking for the silver lining, I guess at least you're free to make your own life without over-involved parents making you feel claustrophobic. That's no fun, either.

I expect if you have a child one day, they'll want back in. 🙄

Terrribletwos · 05/08/2025 16:39

whitewineandsun · 05/08/2025 16:36

Agree. They probably just need a break to be themselves. I can understand that.

Show quote history

But they don't want to visit or in any way be part of thier daughter's life? I find that so strange.

Partridgewell · 05/08/2025 16:50

I'm sorry OP. It sounds tough.

Do you have loads of cousins? My mum died when I was in my early 20s and my relationship with my Dad was difficult. I have a cousin who understands the situation so can offload to her, which definitely helps.

Lovelynames123 · 05/08/2025 16:51

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 05/08/2025 10:24

This.

My mum doesn't know the ins and outs of my life either, and shows no interest in the minutiae of who I'm friends with, and what my likes and dislikes are. Why would she? I'm 43, she's 75.

You need to start living your life OP, and give them some space to get on with theirs. I'm sure they'll be interested again if you get married or similar, but the relationship you seem to want with them is more like what you should have with friends, or a partner.

Show quote history

This is sad, not something to aspire to. All my family show an interest in each other, we know each other's friends and what we're upto. I was lucky enough to catch up yesterday with my dps and my dm's cousin and wife, then my sis and nephew, then a cousin with another cousin's dc, all separately. Gosh, I am actually really sad for people who's parents don't show any interest in them!

PennyAnnLane · 05/08/2025 16:51

I can’t really offer any advice but my parents are equally shit, they’re extremely self centred and I only really saw it once I left home. I only speak to them if I instigate it, they would quite happily spend the rest of their lives not leaving their house and watching Eastenders and Coronation Street if they could.

PolyVagalNerve · 05/08/2025 16:56

Like u say, they do the basics …

anything more is not their vibe

sounds really crap,

you won’t change them,
you can change your expectations of them -
don’t seek what they sadly won’t give u

very sad, what rubbish parents

RisingSunn · 05/08/2025 16:58

This sounds awful but your update makes it hard to sympathise with you as you are so condescending about your mum, her life and her lack of education, it’s difficult to read for me and not start questioning how do you come across to your parents.

I agree with this - they may feel that you look down on them.

If I were you OP - I wouldn't ask them out to lunch, but meet them where they are. I would pop over with some lunch and join them in front of the TV, watch their shows and head home. And just see how that goes...

Discussing your goals, hobbies etc can be done with friends. Your parents do not have the emotional capacity to fulfil that role.

Flightyandmighty · 05/08/2025 16:59

My in-laws behaved like this with their children. Until grandchildren came along. It was very odd. They still didn’t make much effort. All you can do is make a life for yourself and maybe get some therapy. I wonder if they actually wanted children? Could you try a relationship with your dad if your mum is shutting it down. So you ask him to things separately?

Iceplanet · 05/08/2025 17:03

LaundrySpin · 05/08/2025 11:54

OP I was going to congratulate you for your PhD but now I feel even more moved to do so. Well done!! What an achievement.

There are the usual try-hard contrary comments on here. Of course it’s normal to be interested in your adult children. My kids are early 20s and I don’t have a single friend who isn’t really interested in their adult child’s life. Not in a micromanaging way, but a genuine loving and interested way.

Wanting your kids to move out of your home is fine, I feel the same way at times too. but when they eventually move out, I will be really interested in their lives. I know I will want to hear about their childhood friends, how they are coping in their new jobs, what their flatmates are like etc. I am really close to my kids and I’m sure they will pop over to see me and I will visit them. We will keep in touch via WhatsApp and hope to always be a close part of their lives.

I don’t recognise this kind of parenting I read about here. Where it’s fine for your kids to move out and then to become like virtual strangers. I’m glad that’s not my experience!

Anyway OP, you can’t choose your parents. I am not close to my parents. I don’t tell them anything about my life, I see them out of duty but we have dull conversations about the weather and politics. I don’t think your parents will change. I am in my 50s and mine never did. Well, it’s their loss and I now have the opposite relationship with my children, which is kind of healing actually. My parents have missed out on a rich relationship with their adult kids. I won’t make the same mistake, and I am sure you won’t either. It is hurtful and I am sorry x

Agree with all of this. Sounds like it's possible your mother never wanted to be a parent in the first place ( doesn't sound like she tried her hardest to provide for you, a bit lazy?) You didn't ask to be brought into the world.
You shouldn't bother contacting them, they'll only use you for care when they eventually need it. Time to focus hard on building your own life and new support networks. I'm sorry for how they are treating you.

ginasevern · 05/08/2025 17:04

I thought everyone on Mumsnet firmly believed that once a child was 18, their parents were the spawn of the devil if they showed the merest interest in them. The simplest enquiries about work, boyfriends or holidays was enough to drive young adults into therapy and at the very least to go NC with their "controlling" parents.

Tothink · 05/08/2025 17:07

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 10:46

You've finally moved out of their "tiny" house, at the age of 28. They have accepted who you are (a snobby superior needy and entitled adult child) and are glad of the space.

Oh my!! So uncalled for. The poor girl just wants her parents to show a little interest and make some effort.

What a nasty thing to say and if you are a parent yourself, I hope you aren’t cold hearted towards them… because that is how your point of view has come across!

LushLemonTart · 05/08/2025 17:07

Aww @itsallabitmuchx that's really sad. I adore my adult dcs and spend as much time as possible with them. I wish I knew you I'd adopt you ❤️ I already have an extra son who's dm sounds much like yours. She has nothing to talk about. Although she does actually like her ds. He avoids her when home and comes to us. It's a shame really.

Yanbu at all.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 05/08/2025 17:08

Lovelynames123 · 05/08/2025 16:51

This is sad, not something to aspire to. All my family show an interest in each other, we know each other's friends and what we're upto. I was lucky enough to catch up yesterday with my dps and my dm's cousin and wife, then my sis and nephew, then a cousin with another cousin's dc, all separately. Gosh, I am actually really sad for people who's parents don't show any interest in them!

Edited
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I would find that stifling.

Carandache18 · 05/08/2025 17:09

Maybe, since you've only been gone a few months, after 28 years sharing a tiny house, they just want to be sure that you can be independent of them. You do sound a bit needy, and aggrieved. You clearly don't like or respect your mum and have issues with your dad and don't approve of their lifestyle. I think the PhD you keep mentioning might have been for your self esteem and success, not theirs. Perhaps you should shut up about it now, and get on with making a go of your own life. Also, stop comparing with your friends. You have had things they haven't, like subsidised living to support a personal ambition. 28 years of it, and to come out complaining and sneering is not a good look.

suki32 · 05/08/2025 17:09

Mirabai · 05/08/2025 15:50

Some birth families are great, some shite. It’s luck of the draw and no reflection on you. Other parents would be thrilled to have a DD with a PhD.

So it’s time let go of them and create your own family: be the mum you’d like to have had.

This x 1000! I almost didn't have kids because I didn't have the best role models but I'm so glad I have my family. I'm trying to be the mum I wish I had every single day.

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 17:12

Tothink · 05/08/2025 17:07

Oh my!! So uncalled for. The poor girl just wants her parents to show a little interest and make some effort.

What a nasty thing to say and if you are a parent yourself, I hope you aren’t cold hearted towards them… because that is how your point of view has come across!

Show quote history

She's not a girl, she's a grown woman.
Did you miss the tiny house and very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me??

There is no way my DC would post that about me.

TempleOfShrooms · 05/08/2025 17:14

I don't really understand the "out staying your welcome" comments. If you're going to have a kid then you need to consider the fact that they may not have the financial means to leave home as soon as they turn 18. Yes, some leave to go to uni, but theres a high chance they will have to come back home

Tothink · 05/08/2025 17:18

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 17:12

She's not a girl, she's a grown woman.
Did you miss the tiny house and very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me??

There is no way my DC would post that about me.

Show quote history

The tiny house comment is factual. The other things you point out are just the honest truth. My father is the same, sits in front of the tv day in day out watching rubbish tv. It is utterly depressing but doesn’t mean to say I don’t live him to bits. Your comment was uncalled for.

joliefolle · 05/08/2025 17:25

@NebulouslyContemporaneous maybe a handwritten note, just to say that you want him to know how much you care, how proud of him you are, how sorry you feel that your anxiety means you might not have been able to show him that to the full extent that you feel it. No expectations to discuss, or to reply, or to mention it unless he wants to...etc. It's just a thought. A small, gentle, gesture can mean a lot.

Thanks again for sharing your insight and I'm sorry to hear how much you have been through.

KobeghGreen · 05/08/2025 17:30

KateMiskin · 05/08/2025 10:28

My 80 -year-old mum shows deep interest in my life, my accomplishments, my likes and those of her grandchildren too. In return, I show interest in hers.
That's part of being a family, IMHO.

Op living at home for so long is part of the housing crisis. Many people are.

Edited
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Yes, that's all perfectly normal, but this is MN remember.

Emonade · 05/08/2025 17:31

itsallabitmuchx · 05/08/2025 11:45

Thank you for all the comments here.

Some extra info to clarify:

Growing up they did the basics, but I always felt like I was a problem. I was a really 'good' child - tried so hard at school never in trouble, generally quite people pleasing and always appeared happy and smiley (from what I have been told by other adults who knew me then!). I was something they had to provide for and they didn't have the money (my dad, a factory worker earning min. wage and my mum, has never worked - no qualifications even at GCSE, no desire to get an entry level job).

For those suggesting I may look down on my parents, it's because I do feel a lot of resentment towards how they treated me as a teenager. I had to practically beg my mum to pick me up from school when needed, and I had to ask for weeks for £10 to get a new top (I had barely anything growing up and was embarrassed by this). I acknowledged my dad was so hardworking (and continued to be at 65) but my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world. She doesn't understand why I would ever pay for a gym membership (waste of money) - when I go 5 times a week, why I would ever travel 20 minutes to a (slightly nicer) cinema when there is one 10 minutes away. Her life has been watching TV all day, making dinner for when my dad comes home, and letting life pass her by.

I knew early on that if I were to make something of myself (..better wording would be to have a more 'meaningful' life) I would have to work so hard and I did. I got on a PhD as young as I could, and made a lot of sacrifices in order to do this (living with my parents who I knew didn't really want me there and viewed me as a burden - I literally didn't have a choice - I earned £1000 a month and had to pay for everything else (food, other DD's, petrol, car, etc) and use credit cards etc.

I know who they are and the fact they wont change and I know I need to get over this and accept it for what it is. The issue is that.. I cant. Despite everything I really want a relationship with them and I feel very lonely (a deep sense of rejection and disconnect). My Mum has 4 sisters with whom are very close. They are all co-dependent and live similar lives and so my mum connects with them so her needs are met in that sense, and I am left feeling forgotten about and uncared for.

I have friends, all of who's parents actually care about them. They go for coffee together, have catch up's on the phone or may go shopping together.

Also, YES, my mum did actually say those words. re. being needy. The EXACT words. This is how she speaks to me. She literally hates me.

I've done my absolutely best to do well in life and I feel so rejected and unhappy.

Get some therapy - parts work would be great and try and leave them to it. Give it back to them and let yourself have a good life.

Carandache18 · 05/08/2025 17:32

Look at the thread title:

My parents... don't... care?!

It drips with immature self pity. If it were a cartoon headline it would be illustrated by a large-eyed waif weeping in a landscape of pink and purple unicorns.

They probably do care OP. They're just exhausted by you, and need you to grow up.

Saladbar · 05/08/2025 17:36

I could never be like this with my sons. I think anyone saying it’s because you still lived at home is bonkers because I’d still want to know what my children were up to and would miss them! I can’t imagine being so distant and not caring. I’m so sorry OP.

Terrribletwos · 05/08/2025 17:37

joliefolle · 05/08/2025 17:25

@NebulouslyContemporaneous maybe a handwritten note, just to say that you want him to know how much you care, how proud of him you are, how sorry you feel that your anxiety means you might not have been able to show him that to the full extent that you feel it. No expectations to discuss, or to reply, or to mention it unless he wants to...etc. It's just a thought. A small, gentle, gesture can mean a lot.

Thanks again for sharing your insight and I'm sorry to hear how much you have been through.

Yep that will do it. Jeez oh😶