My parents... don't... care?!

[itsallabitmuchx]

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

Seeing as we're just being blunt and nasty apparently: What a horrible relationship you must have with your own children.

Your comment is so dangerous, seriously come off the platform and don't give anyone advice everagain . The op does not have to be greatful in anyway to her parents for not kicking her out.. you've gone so past the actual point of the thread I think you're in another time line. The only thing you got right is to say they sound crap which is where you should have left your post!

The OP describes her parents as "pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night", and then later says "my mum is lazy, apathetic, negative, miserable and resentful of the world".

That doesn't sound to me as if she likes them very much.

I think perhaps she wants different parents, not a different relationship with the ones she has.

It sounds like you dont like them and vice versa. That’s sad but alas that’s the situation.

get some therapy and try to process it and live with what it is. You won’t be able to change them and the longer you’re feeling sad for yourself and dwell on it the longer it takes to feel better and live a joyful life.

Also - living with them until 28 is a whole another issue. As someone else mentioned - why the PhD, why living together for so long … it’s a self chosen destiny. There are stipends, there are jobs which don’t require an PahD. You’ve tied yourself to the situation willingly despite your poor state of relationship with them. That’s also telling.

again, do some therapy. All the best for your future

That is a good question, @joliefolle. I have talked around it a little bit, but I always feel really anxious while doing so - worried about burdening him with my hang-ups, or something. All part of the general fog of anxiousness!

In an ideal world I would sit with him in front of a therapist and have a facilitated conversation. But as far as I can tell, he is an incredibly grounded and humane person and doesn't have any particular need to process anything in our relationship, so I suppose it might be a bit much to ask of him. I think I just need to trust him and chill and allow things to flow naturally. Somehow.

I agree with all you say about the OPs parents. I wonder whether the mum is depressed or has spent her life dealing with something hard. What was the mum's own relationship with her parents? Might she herself have felt 'unparented', unsupported? As adults we can of course feel sad for the child within us whose unmet needs shape us in the presence. But at the same time we are more capable than we were as children to view our parents in that same compassionate light.

Op im so sorry to hear you feel like this. You deserve much more then this. I wonder if you can sit them down and talk about how you're feeling and they can give you the answers you deserve and therapy for yourself if you feel you need more support. You dont need to justify to us if you was a good daughter or not.. you want their love and that's absolutely OK!! Good luck Op. Xxx

Read The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. It won't take away the loneliness completely but it will help you to detach a bit and not care so much. I hear you though. It is very very shit when your family have no interest in you x

The op does not have to be grateful in anyway to her parents for not kicking her out. It might an idea to show a bit of gratitude.

I’m your age OP and I’m really sorry this is your experience. Ignore the posters making excuses or minimising. It’s not okay, but it is unfortunately rather ‘normal’.

My parents take an active interest in my life. They ask about my work, my friends (by name), they want to see me, they help me out when I need.

On the other hand, my best friends parents simply don’t care. Honestly I think they forget they even have a child, that’s how little they communicate. Some people are just too obsessed by their own little lives to take an active interest in other people’s

The parents may not have been hands on affectionate and gooey over their daughter, but she was able to live at home until well into adulthood. If they didn't care she would have been out the door at 18.
I wonder if the mother wrote a AIBU how it would look.

Have you invited them? We don't like phoning our kids, in their 40s, as years ago they made it clear they were adults and didn't want us checking up on them, so we leave them to phone us, we will phone if we have something important to tell them, but general chat to be instigated by them. To be fair to them they do phone fairly regularly, but there have been times when we would like to phone, but dont want to interrupt their lives. WhatsApp is used regularly for chit chat.

No she doesnt need to. When u give birth its kind of a given you house your child till they need to or want to leave.

But they didn't so here we are. Kinda ridiculous to make a comment about the other party when they're not available.

Some birth families are great, some shite. It’s luck of the draw and no reflection on you. Other parents would be thrilled to have a DD with a PhD.

So it’s time let go of them and create your own family: be the mum you’d like to have had.

The op has phoned them and invited them round but they continously refuse.

What about going for a more charitable interpretation: they think you need to spend your time finding deep and meaningful relationships outside the family (preferably one that involves a husband and grandchildren) because you are an only child and they worry about that you will need this in the future.

I moved out when starting Uni at 18, now 30 and my parents couldn't give a f*, lucky to see them briefly a handful of times a year, never phone me or keep in touch, I have to phone them, when I do no questions about my life, all very arms length. Tested how long it would take them to contact me once, 7 months, and even then it was only a "hello, u ok?" text.

I think you need to drop the rope. Your family sounds a lot like mine actually. I also was someone for whom achievement and success were my ticket to being seen and valued. I went and got a PhD too, very successful career wise.

My mum was actually very engaged when I was a child (my dad, not so much). I think I gave her a sense of purpose and something to focus on. When I grew up and she couldn’t really do anything for me anymore, it all changed. She was interested in me in a performative sort of way - “look at my daughter, the doctor!” on Facebook. But when other people weren’t looking, it was sort of like I was in the way.

I should add here, that the closest I’ve lived since I was 23 was about 3 hours away. I’m 44 now and we don’t even live in the same country. So it’s not like I was living at home or reliant on her for anything day to day. She was so disinterested that she got married and didn’t invite me to the wedding. It wasn’t an elopement. There were other guests. She just didn’t invite me. She said, “oh, I didn’t want you to feel like you had to travel all that way.” But then a friend took the wedding photos and she sent them to me to ask if I could edit them for her! I just cried.

We are NC now. For bigger reasons than all of the above, but I do believe if she had cared, she would have wanted to sort her life out so that I could be in it. Instead, she just walked away. She now laments on Facebook about her horrible daughter who abandoned her, but she’s the one who just sort of disappeared.

Anytime I’ve given her a chance to fix the relationship, she refuses. I think she gets a lot of attention for playing the victim, poor sad old lady with no children who care about her, that she doesn’t want to fix anything because it will mean she won’t get that attention from people anymore.

The best thing I did for my mental health was to walk away and not look back. There is a lot of drama and a lot of lies she’s spread about me, but I’ve dropped the rope. I’m no longer killing myself to hold onto her and drag her into the light. I accept that she just wants to wallow in her sad lonely life because it’s comfortable and familiar. That is her choice. It’s a weight that’s been lifted. I no longer have to carry it for her. My focus is solely on me now (and my children).

It sounds like this is not new. This is a very old pattern. If you can access it, therapy will probably be very beneficial. I did about 6 months of therapy a few years ago to deal with all of this and it was life changing.

OP I'm so sorry you have such shit and uncaring parents. And I'm so sorry for all the stupid and horrible comments on this thread, about them only giving you space to develop, or how you shouldn't have stayed at home until 28. Stay strong and try to find a way to accept that things are unlikely to change with your parents. They are absolute deadbeats.

Alternatively my 74 year old dad listens to me about my week and i listen to him about the latest gossip in his sheltered accommodation and general chit chat. Actually my mum in law does too.

Why shouldn’t they be interested?? They are family.

My parents are similar. When I graduated I had to buy their tickets and they reluctantly came. My Dad was unhappy about walking me down the aisle at my wedding. My Mum only wanted to talk to me if it involved her complaining or gossiping about someone else. They provided the basics and lent me some money once when I needed it, which I was grateful for. However, we had minimal food and clothing growing up, they claimed poverty but it really wasn’t.
Once I’d had my own kids it dawned on me that they just didn’t really like me. Everything was on their terms or nothing. There’s a lot more to it but I haven’t seen or spoken to them in 8 years. I think some parents only have children out of duty and once that is done they are no longer interested. It’s hurtful but there is nothing you can do other than build a life for yourself. Some therapy would be useful to work through it.

So am I. DD is a couple of hours away and is quite unwell. I can't actually do anything for her but I can't stop worrying.

I'm grateful to my parents for bringing me up and for being my parents. They didn't get everything right - who does - but they did their best.
The least I can do is be grateful.

They probably want you to find your own way and life and are qctively being hands off to encourage this. Do you have a full life other than your work?

So when they don't want to visit or in any way be involved in her life thats ok?