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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents... don't... care?!

471 replies

itsallabitmuchx · 05/08/2025 10:12

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 05/08/2025 14:50

semideponent · 05/08/2025 14:23

I must admit I haven't read the full thread and so am responding to you initial post, OP.

I do not know a single person who has been easy to live with while completing their PhD. Kudos and gratitude to your Mum and Dad.

I'd focus on turning this rejection narrative into something more positive. Establishing yourself more independently by moving out is a really good milestone. It opens up so many possibilities.I would spend your time on that and then when they reach out to you, you have some good stories to tell. But don't fester in supposed rejection.

I've done a PhD and know a few others who have and am not aware of them creating any massive difficulties for those around them, bit of a stereotype there. . And the OP was living in her parents house, yes but she sounds a very undemanding type of person - she certainly at a minimum, wasn't asking them to read chapters or mind her children. And she did pay rent. At most maybe there were meals and some housework. Her mum doesn't and has never worked so this is hardly a massive burden for a loving parent of one child, if one were such a thing.

Whatadayyyyyyy · 05/08/2025 14:52

My parents are like this (they are both mid 60’s). It breaks my heart sometimes but I try not to dwell on it. Certain things in life I’ve been thru and they show very little interest. They never call just to see how I am or come over for a cuppa. I’ve tried. It’s just the way they are. I feel you tho, it feels shit

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2025 14:53

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 14:01

@spoonbillstretford , OP thinks she is better than her mother because her mother doesn't work and didn't do well academically. I only picked up on it because OP comes across as seeming to think she is better than her parents.

Show quote history

To a degree she probably is,

If her account is true they don't sound like nice people.

I wonder how many, if any, friends they have

BlueberryFlapjack · 05/08/2025 14:54

I’m sorry it’s like this for you @itsallabitmuchx - it must be doubly hard being an only child. On the plus side, at least they supported you through higher ed. My mum made it clear that I wasn’t wanted back home after my first degree.

Your friend here is acceptance. Don’t waste energy raging against something that won’t ever change. It’s hard when others have really great parents, but some also have horribly abusive parents. At least yours aren’t actively harming you.

Find a way to accept the hand you’ve been dealt, find things to be grateful for (achieving a PhD is amazing!) and build relationships with people who do care. I would love to be 28 again - you seriously have your whole life ahead of you, and plenty of time to figure things out. I think it’s normal to be questioning things, especially when you get out in the world and see that other people’s parents are more supportive, but don’t waste your life wishing for something you’ll never get from your parents. Build a life you love!

Outside9 · 05/08/2025 14:56

I can relate in many ways, and sadly this passiveness to my has extended to my siblings.

It's tough, but one has to focus on seeking joy, peace and fulfillment from within. Relinquish the innate desire for your parents' love and approval.

Our relatives are just people who, by chance, we are genetically related to. Our family, is the community that we ourselves cultivate.

likeafishneedsabike · 05/08/2025 14:59

NebulouslyContemporaneous · 05/08/2025 11:59

When I read your post, @itsallabitmuchx , I wondered what else had been going on for you over the last several years.

The fact that you have been living with them until your late 20s suggests there may have been some difficulties in your life and that your parents may have had cause to worry about you more than usual.

The reason why I ask about this is that, if your parents have had cause to worry about you over a very long time (eg possible loneliness, a 'failure to launch', etc) this might have caused a kind of self-protective aloofness in response to prolonged anxiety.

My older son had terrible, traumatic difficulties (and eventually died) and I am very aware that whenever I think about my surviving son (who is an adult and living a long way from home) I feel crippled with anxiety. My contacts with him, such as phone calls, etc, triggers this anxiety and I consequently feel quite ambivalent about these contacts. The point is, it's not because I don't care, its because caring has become painful.

I do make contact and visit, etc, but not as often as I feel I should, and not joyfully, as I feel I should.

Could your parents feel a love for you that is associated with any kind of trauma or prolonged anxiety? Could they be struggling with a love that is raw? Could they be creating a semi-dysfunctional distance as a way of protecting themselves (and perhaps, in their mind, you)?

EDITED TO ADD: I cross-posted with your update. Lots of what I said may be irrelevant - unless perhaps one or both of your parents have been shaped by a trauma that precedes their raising of you?

Edited

Ooooooooh. This has literally never occurred to me before. Thanks for this insight - it helps me.

Netcurtainnelly · 05/08/2025 14:59

Fragmentedbrain · 05/08/2025 10:42

Lady you are nearly 30. Be grateful they're not creepy interfering types.

No middle ground then?

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 15:00

To a degree she probably is, A degree does not make you a better person.

Fragmentedbrain · 05/08/2025 15:06

Netcurtainnelly · 05/08/2025 14:59

No middle ground then?

Show quote history

There probably is but honestly get some pals at this age. Maybe a partner.

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 15:09

Fragmentedbrain · 05/08/2025 15:06

There probably is but honestly get some pals at this age. Maybe a partner.

Show quote history

Get therapy.

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 15:09

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 15:00

To a degree she probably is, A degree does not make you a better person.

'To a degree' is a figure of speech, she wasn't saying anything about being better because she has a degree...

zingally · 05/08/2025 15:10

SoloSofa24 · 05/08/2025 10:17

Is it possible they are just relieved to finally have their tiny house to themselves, and for their adult offspring to have fledged the nest about 10 years later than they might have expected?

Give it a while longer and they might start missing you a bit more.

Edited to add: it sound like you don't really like them very much, though, so the distance might suit both sides?

Edited

This was my first thought as well.

OP, it sounds like they've been incredibly generous to you. Letting you live with them in a house not really large enough for 3 adults, and pretty much fully funding you completely into your late 20s when really you should have been up and functioning independently. Was this PhD strictly necessary for your career? Or a vanity PhD? The difference matters.

From what you've said about them, it doesn't sound like you like them very much anyway, so perhaps a little bit of distance will do you all good. I suspect your parents are taking some time to enjoy having their house to themselves, having a bit more money, and (rightly) thinking it's time you stood on your own two feet - and are giving you the space to do this?

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 15:11

@CoralOP , it was a play on words.

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 15:11

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 15:11

@CoralOP , it was a play on words.

It didn't land..

joliefolle · 05/08/2025 15:12

@NebulouslyContemporaneous Thank you for sharing your insight. I was just wondering, have you ever broached this with your son?

Obviously we know nothing about the OP's parents, but my thought was to wonder about how old her mum was when she had the OP, what her life was before, whether it was discussed why only one child, the position she has in her own (apparently "codependent" family) etc. Maybe with some distance the OP can try to get to understand her parents as people as see if it helps make sense of why the parental relationship is so hard.

Zippidydoodah · 05/08/2025 15:12

You need to stop caring about them and move on.

I’m really sorry for you, though, as it sounds rough.

Do you have any friends/a partner? If not, make that your focus- finding friends who will have your back and want to spend time with you. 💐

amberisola · 05/08/2025 15:14

YANBU. My parents are like this. I'm also an only child. They also spent almost every evening of my childhood watching crap on TV in silence.

My mum kicked me out at 18 because I confronted her about her alcoholism. My dad didn't want me staying with him and his new family as they'd.split by then. So I left and went to work abroad, they never took an interest in anything I did and I've never had a close relationship with either of them.

Now though since I had DD they're in touch all the time asking about her, which makes me feel even more sure that it really was just me that they didn't like or care about.

I can see now that this destroyed my self.esteem when I was young, and having DD made me realise just how bad it really was. I can't imagine ever treating her like that under any circumstances.

MummaMummaMumma · 05/08/2025 15:17

From what you've said about your parents I am shocked that they let you continue to live with them for so long.
You say you want so little whilst studying, but your parents did have a choice - they could have told you to leave and they didn't.
They sound pretty crap, and you're not going to get much put of them, but remember the did help you "better your life" by allowing you to live with them, when many would not.

mondaytosunday · 05/08/2025 15:21

My in laws were a bit like this. My DH thought it was him as he’s had a bit of a rollercoaster relationship with his mum, but discussed it with one if his siblings and they says the same. They rarely asked us around and never remembered birthdates of the grandkids. We would invite them or suggest we visit and it was always an automatic ‘we’ll think about it and get back to you’. They usually did come/say yes to us, but they would never suggest it themselves. They were retired and did not have a big social life, though they were very well travelled and did quite a bit of caravanning. But it was always us initiating. On one visit they had some real estate brochures out and a couple were from our area and they said ‘oh yes we went and viewed last weekend’… and didn’t think about dropping in?? My DH was pretty hurt by that.
I think they were just a very self contained couple who liked their routine and didn’t really need much from anyone else. Oddly on a few occasions we called they’d moan ‘oh it’s so long since we saw any of you’ but still not greet the idea of a visit with enthusiasm!

Moonlightbean123 · 05/08/2025 15:21

SoloSofa24 · 05/08/2025 10:17

Is it possible they are just relieved to finally have their tiny house to themselves, and for their adult offspring to have fledged the nest about 10 years later than they might have expected?

Give it a while longer and they might start missing you a bit more.

Edited to add: it sound like you don't really like them very much, though, so the distance might suit both sides?

Edited

Edited to add: it sound like you don't really like them very much, though, so the distance might suit both sides?

Are you like 5 years old? The most ridiculous comment , the op is literally crying out for their love and all you got is doesnt sound like you like them much the distance might suit you.

Littlemisscapable · 05/08/2025 15:22

Sarah2891 · 05/08/2025 10:43

Absolutely bizarre. Im sorry you have parents like this. I'll never understand how people can have no interest in their children.

This..and some of the responses here are also very odd. The OP has told us of invitations made and phonecalls etc and isn't getting anything in return. This is not normal..but now you know where you stand. Go live your life and stop initiating the communication for now.

PigletSanders · 05/08/2025 15:24

StreetStrife · 05/08/2025 11:45

I agree. It's very odd how many empathy free people seem to comment here. Such weird takes on relationships and what it fundamentally is to be human.

OP your feelings are perfectly understandable, I would feel the same. It's hurtful that they don't seem to want a relationship with you as an independent adult and aren't prepared to put any effort into knowing you. Their mindset is unusual (though seemingly not that unusual from the comments...) and goes against the basic innate human need for connection. It reflects on them though, and not you.

Show quote history

They’re not really that empathy-free, they pretend to be as it gives them a frisson to pretend to be above anything as twee as caring about something, which in turn gives them a chance to kick at an OP while they’re down, create a sense within them of superiority, and make them feel better about their own shitty lives.

Happy people don’t write stuff like that. They just don’t. Mumsnet is unfortunately heavily populated by miserable people with small lives. Pretending they’re bigger and better than they are is another by-product of this.

bethathome · 05/08/2025 15:25

Wow, there’s some incredibly mean comments on this thread - all said to a person who’s already feeling rejected and sad.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal OP and it’s made worse when you hear how different other people’s relationships are.

I think you’ve done brilliantly though to create a bigger future for yourself. It’s not ‘snobbery’ to have aspirations for your own future.

I can only echo what the others have said - ‘family’ is not just the people you’re biologically linked to but can also be friends you choose. I hope you’re able to find some peace in the middle of a very tough situation.

lizzyBennet08 · 05/08/2025 15:25

Honestly it was probably hard to have an adult child living with them for the last 10 years and it doesn't sound like you ever had a close relationship with them. It's clear you found them both lacking in intellect and ambition and don't really like them either. You are never going to face the tv relationship with your mom , its important now that you create your own network of friends rather than trying to shoe horn one where it never existed.

regista · 05/08/2025 15:26

Hi OP, I think you are getting an unfair hearing on here. I think you should consider a bit of counselling to unpack why your relationship with your parents isn't working well for you. I don't have your situation- but can relate a little. It's just my dad left now, I've got a 'high flying career' and post grad qualifications but he worked in a trade all his life. We are very very different, I try to understand his world but I believe he doesn't get mine at all. He will come and see me if I book travel (not otherwise) and he doesn't ask about my life really, unless it's something he is on home turf with - we communicate well on DIY and we mainly talk about what he is doing.

I think you (like me) feel very different from your parents. You may yearn for them to have the same outlook as you and to 'get you', but it ain't gonna happen. Perhaps they equally yearn for someone a bit more like them? They seem to be happy in their life. You need to find your happiness. Now that you are out there in the world, take the time to build your life. A bit of distance won't do much harm. Absence may make the heart grow fonder. Work on finding a way to make peace with who they are and who you are - and if you feel a family sized gap, try to make good friendships to fill it, you likely can't change them but you can change you.