To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I think you have a cheek to expect this of them without even asking this from your own parents first

How old are your DC compared to your SIL ? Just wondering if there’s a big difference ? I certainly don’t have the same energy with my youngest grandchild that I had with older ones .

nailed it.

No drama, no fight and resentment, just simple common sense.

why should the OP's husband ask his own in-laws first, before asking his own parents...

I think sometimes the DDs children are favoured, sometimes it's the first GC. With my late MIL it was sex of the baby, she didn't want a GS.

I was lucky as my own mother was very involved so didn't bother me.

Maybe she feels she made a commitment and has to honour that or maybe it is favouritism. It is obviously hurtful for you but you probably can't change it.

But the son hasn't asked for more childcare. It's the OP who is directly asking her ILs and complaining she's getting "push back".

But you'll likely have years of help when SIL kids are older & don't need looking after.

I can understand where you are coming from, I would feel exactly the same.

We had the first grandchildren and still is dh’s sister who got and gets all the childcare. Both married own homes.

Sil got two days a week full time childcare plus a weekend day. When they started school she now picks them up at least once a week along with the weekend and an evening still every week. Sil is a teacher and this continues in the summer holidays. They also holiday together aboard and uk.

Last time we asked for an hour we were well and truly on the clock and that was 3 years ago now.

As such our children have no time for their grandparents because their grandparents never have time for them. Clocks ticking as our eldest is now a couple of years from being an adult and our youngest is nearly finished primary. While the sils children have barely started school.

It grated on dh. His had words but it’s deaf ears and it’s their loss and I hope their precious daughters children never decide they are too old and boring in comparison to their dads parents. Which we know they will then they will because dads family are fun, end up with zero grandchildren interested in them.

@CyanDreamer do you have a limit on how many grandchildren you expect GPs to look after at a time, how many years you expect them to do childcare, how many hours they should do?

I only have sisters no one a "golden child". Because of the order we had our children my mum cared for mine less. She felt bad about it but when your first grandchildren are born you don't limit childcare because of others that may or may not be born.
To make it fair to my children I've actually not offered and only do actual childcare in emergencies. I see them often and am very involved in their lives but not as a carer.

My mum always said 'babies belong to their mothers'. If your daughter is the one with the baby, of course you'll be closer.

You sound very entitled and need to stop acting like a spoiled brat.

If you needed help to raise your children maybe you shouldn’t have had them. We get zero help for varying reasons (distance, ability due to illness and death) but even prior to a couple of those reasons it didn’t factor into our plans. SIL had kids first so essentially you’re not only asking for same childcare but if that also means a reduction in here you’re also asking for her to change. I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be complaining about having to find other childcare due to a new grandchild so…….

I think you do sound very entitled OP, there is no automatic right to childcare from grandparents. Maybe they sense your attitude towards them as you sound rather bitter in your comments, maybe they don’t want to get too involved with you.
It’s a simple fact that on the whole mothers are closer to daughters than sons it’s just a biological fact that is played out time after time in families every day.
You chose to have your child and it’s your full responsibility to care for that child, they are under no obligation to you.
You say you live next door, you’re walking a tightrope by letting your resentment fester, just get over it and appreciate the small things they do for you.

@Notyourproblem My brother and his children get more childcare from my parents than I do, I've always been more independent and tbh I sometimes think dB takes the piss! My mum has my sc when I am her to, I just set it at my responsibility to provide childcare, she drives an hour every week to DBs to pick his children up, and hour before he gets home from work when there is a perfectly good after school club they could go to for that hour. They have 2 children and have never paid for any childcare. I have but I don't begrudge my parents for that, because I think my brother's demands are unreasonable and would never ask the same

I don’t necessarily think their support should be 100% equal, as all other things are never equal.

My in laws gave their other son and his wife lots more support than they give us - for our second child anyway (first child they gave similar) but whilst I was inwardly annoyed when they told us they could help with DS anymore I understood when I looked at it objectively. They were in mid fifties when they started helping out BIL and SIL and later 60s but the time our youngest came along. We live a bit further away, I have my own parents nearby who can help a bit and their other grandparents were about 400miles away. I don’t necessarily think it’s about preference to daughters.

Well because they have already had their kids and raised them. They may feel like they made a rod for their own back with their other grandchildren and now see how hard it is when you’re older. Unable to commit to anything week to week. I am guessing they’re setting firmer boundaries now so they don’t end up shattered.

I feel sorry for these grandparents. They have a DD whose children they seem to be responsible for, along with cleaning and cooking for their DD. Instead of their DIL being horrified at this, she wants her piece of the pie too 🙈 Pay for your childcare instead of putting these grandparents under more pressure. It's not their job! They don't owe you "fair." They are probably doing too much as it is.

I think it is largely a case of whoever has kids first gets most access to childcare. Grandparents age and thus get increasingly tired from doing all the small child childcare for a second time, and I suspect they are shocked at how exhausting it is compared to when they were in their 20s and 30s. I imagine their enthusiasm for helping is waning by the year. I wouldn’t imagine there is a lot of energy a few years later to take on nappies etc for a third time.

Additionally, grandparents are likely to have a more casual and closer relationship to their daughter and so are more familiar with her trials and tribulations in life, and have more awareness of how much she needs their support. Your need is likely as high, but they are less likely to feel it - unless your DH is sharing HIS childcare needs, and general life issues with them as frequently as his DSis is. It should be your DH requesting childcare rather than you, if you are looking for more “fairness”. However, I think the main issue is that they feel more comfortable with the older DGC and their care is firmly established and easier to do.

FWIW, I did not expect my own DM to do any daycare to allow me to work, even though I live near her, and provide the bulk of her and my DF’s support. I was also a single parent on a low income so childcare would have really helped me out. DM would never have come to my home to support me but she did do some child care if I brought DC to her house overnight on the weekend, and this was really helpful at times. DPIL did not help out.

I would see it as a potentially limited childcare provision, think about what would be most helpful to you and your DH, and then have him ask, from his POV.

im not sure if it’s a daughter thing, i am the daughter, more of maybe a first grandchild thing, regular child care was given, and is still given to my brothers children, my youngest is around 10 years younger than the oldest grandchild and they don’t get much of a look in, don’t get me wrong odd babysitting here and there but i’ve had no where near the support my brother had when his children were small.

I think it's probably very difficult to do childcare fairly for adult dc. Dgc come along at different times and their own dd just got there first. If they've already committed to childcare for their dd, i think it's U to expect them to drop some or change their own activities so you can have it and if they offer you both equal amounts they'd basically be doing full time childcare which is too much for GPs imo. If yours had been born first perhaps your sil would be posting this?

It’s not just about the childcare. It’s about the relationship that the childcare makes happen with the children.

So like ours. The in-laws are super close to their daughter’s children. They know almost nothing about ours, couldn’t tell you what they like.

So come Christmas or birthdays, they get nice thoughtful things, ours have always been cash because they don’t know what to buy them. Our children stopped asking to see their grandparents on that side because they would always be there so they would never get any kind of just them and grandparents time. So they have been shown they are not important enough to them to want to spend time with them.

No it's not.

The fact you think it's rude just adds to how entitled you are already coming across.

It's irrelevant. If you left your DM to live in a different country. If your DM has passed away. If your DM simply can't be bothered. If your DM doesn't feel confident enough. If you don't get on with your DM. Whatever the reason is that you don't have your DM (or either of your parents) "in the picture."

Either way, you are blaming someone else's mother for treating her own daughter differently to you, when actually it's your own mother's absence which is causing the disparity. Don't resent your MIL for the gap your DM has left.

Does sil and her dh both work full time? Do you and your dh both work full time?