To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

It just doesn’t work as you think it should I’m afraid!

My sibling had the grandchildren first and got the childcare. I had my children a few years later and my mother was already fully commuted to the first grandchildren and had limited time for mine. Those are the breaks I’m afraid. Now our kids are becoming older my children have a very close relationship with my MiL and not really my Mum. My sibling’s children have a very close relationship with my mother.

Playing Devil’s Advocate but she may not want to let down her dd to incorporate looking after your child too.
Also depending on her health, she may not find it as easy to look after a young child compared to when her other GC were younger.
The fact that your h has stopped asking provides MIL with a convenient excuse- she can’t provide childcare as she assumes that you don’t need it anymore.
Also your h might think that he has a great relationship with his parents but that could be dependent on him going along with the SIL is golden child dynamic. He may not be able to see it because he’s lived like that all of his life or he may not want to admit it because of the emotional repercussions.

If my kids have kids then I would like to think that I’d be fair but if one was single or had circumstances like they had a job that involved night shifts eg police then I would be more accommodating in their favour.

@Notyourproblem i could have written this. I am married to the son, SIL also married and we all work full time. They were given 3 days per week for both children (a 2 hour drive away), we were offered 1. She stopped doing any childcare for them when we had our little boy but has now gone back to them to do 4 days of wrap around care and has also now moved to the same town as them after being close to us. My dad moved away years ago and my mum died when I was young so I have no one in my family to help. It feels so unfair.

Most parents (mothers especially) will do more for their daughters DC, but sometimes this is just because the relationship is easier, and we see all the time on here GP prevented from spending time with GC, mainly by DIL’s who aren’t happy for many reasons (some maybe justified, some not). In my situation I feel my parents were pretty equal, though I had more help in the early years with DS1 as I was a teen parent, but then by time DS2 and DD came along, i’d moved away and they probably babysat less than a dozen times (and always just an evening, as I was always there with them).

Ex’s parents never babysat. Never asked to. Also never babysat for their other 2 son’s DC. MIL just not very maternal. I was glad, as I didn’t fully trust her, so made it much easier. We just paid for childcare, and it made my life overall a lot easier. It was tough with DS1 when my parents were not following my rules, and whenever I said no, they said yes. DS1 is lovely, but he has some traits I blame on the mixed messaging. Honestly, it’s easier just to parent yourself and pay for childcare.

What do you want help with? Daytime and pay less nursery? They sound pretty busy already and your comment on them choosing to rest instead of having your DC is a bit unfair. It’s a lot harder to care for children when older. Is it evening babysitting? Plan in advance and beat SIL to it. When do her DC start school? Maybe get your DH to chat to SIL and say would you be willing to drop x day so parents can help me out. I don’t think it should be automatic she gets all the help as she had kids first.

Youre resentful because you don't have your own support from your own mother. Her mother is supporting her dd and has for quite awhile. She is not someone who should be dicated to and told to split herself and divide herself to provide further childcare regardless if it means providing less to her dd. She might find older children easier than smaller children. Feel more comfortable as they are her dd dc not her dil. Grandparents shouldn't be defaco childcare. We got zero childcare from inlaws yet they have provided childcare to dd. We just got on with it. We choose to have children not them they are our responsibility and my own parents were too ill to provide childcare for us.

Thanks all again for responding. And especially to those who sympathise rather than just saying I am being entitled.
I appreciate you might not have liked my choice of words, but what I wanted to see whether it's a normal practice and I should not even assume it could be otherwise. Interesting to read about first born, so perhaps that's the main reason. And GPs just go on with the existing arrangements. Of course, PILs are older now too.
And thanks for a few people pointing out that it is my DHs task to agree childcare and not for me to ask.
I wonder if PILs notice my sentiment, I am trying not to show it and also I think we got good relationships.
And again, I will try not to 'expect' as many of you suggested.

Maybe they regret committing so much time to childcare for the first grandchildren and don’t want to make further commitments? Regular childcare is a lot to ask and they may not have realised what a commitment it is the first time round when they offered to do it.

Maybe they are a bit older too and finding it harder to look after young children?

Thanks, yes, just I didn't think of the order of GC arriving and how it affects the relationship

Maybe you should have had children first

If you live next door your children can have a different relationship with GPs. It’s nice for GPs to have relaxed time with grandchildren rather than having to provide childcare

I am in the same situation. I have made it clear to both sets of parents that they will need to lean on on those children who have had the majority of their time in good health.

Regardless of being next door do not be the carer - your sister in law has got that duty!

I completely sympathise i have a high expectation on fairness unfortunately life is not fair, however i make peace with it by making them aware that they are not to have expectations on my time in the future.

I’m not sure fairness is always possible. For one thing, changing a young child’s care routine isn’t always straightforward. For another, if your SIL has “had years of care already” then perhaps her kids are now a bit less intensive than a baby or toddler, and as the grandparents get older that becomes a factor. You can’t know how it would have gone had you and your husband had children before his sister. You also can’t know how many children (if any) each of your children will have, so you can’t save up childcare slots just in case, and tell the existing grandkids they can only have x hours just in case these imaginary future grandkids arrive and need the same number.

Finally, I have to say I’d be well pissed off if I started by offering 2 mornings to grandkids and ended up feeling obliged to give up 4 mornings! When I retire I want to do the things and have the holidays I can’t do at the moment with a school-aged child (plus I’ll be old because I was a bit older as a FTM), so my dc already expects nothing from me in terms of childcare 😂

Yes, it's not the best use of language, many have already pointed out.

I think it's unreasonable and entitled to expect anything. You are the parents,so parent. They did their child rearing. They can pick and choose who they went to help, when and how.

My mum had my eldest brothers child 3 days a week for years. She also had my youngest brothers child 2- 3 days a week Fri -Sun. I have 2 children. She has them for birthdays, date nights snd hospital appointments. I works out to once or twice a month. I don't think it's unfair. She has aged in that time and doesn't have the capacity she once did. I think she also learned from it that it's not appreciated but expected.. instead of kissing her arse for the amount of money she saved them they would kick off if she was going on holiday or wanted to do something because she was letting them down even with plenty of notice and pre warning.

There are a few key questions you’ve not answered

1. how old are your sister in law’s children and what childcare was/is provided?
2. how old are your children and what are you hoping for?

I can’t really judge whether you’re being unreasonable or not without that info. You may also find you benefit a lot from being next door when your children are older eg school pick ups or shorter stints that really help you.

Fair point on the established routine for the existing kids.

Unfortunately I don't necessarily think it's a daughter/son thing but perhaps a golden child thing. But yeah we have a totally unbalanced relationship with my in laws compared to my SIL. My SIL doesn't pay for any childcare. All school holidays are covered by both sets of grandparents. And the shared grandparents with us don't do any for us at all. Despite only being 6 months difference. What's even more frustrating is because all half terms and most of the Easter/summer is doing childcare, it also means they are too busy to see us and our kids during school holidays (not for childcare just spending time together unless our children share their time with the cousins whilst they are being looked after).

We've given up expecting and over time contact is just reducing and reducing. My oldest is noticing massively his cousin's are favoured and is beginning to ask questions as to why. It is sad and frustrating.

In regards to why your DH may not speak up, my DH doesn't (although he has moments where he has) because they always become defensive, whole family back each other up and he is rejected again. And after time and time of being rejected and never being the priority he finds it easier I think to just bury his head in the sand.

I don't want to give all the details for obvious reasons.
My question was is it reasonable to expect equal.
Sounds like if one does expect it they are entitled brats, according to MN

Going against the grain here. Most grandparents I know at least try to be fair, regardless of who had kids first.

one granny I know has 4 kids so she was aware she’d likely have lots of GC. Instead of looking after only the first couple of kids to come along, she said she’d do a day a week for each child who was age 1 (so when their mum had gone back to work after mat leave) but then she expected the parents to use nursery/ other childcare for that day once the child turned 2. For the first year that meant doing 2 days a week and then a few years later she did 2 kids together on one day (she was a pro granny by then lol) but otherwise she just had one day per week every year for 8 years! Different kid each year! She wanted a close relationship with all GC, not just the eldest.

my own parents have my DC once a week but live 3 hours away from my sibling, so not practical to offer the same to them. But they get first dibs on weekend childcare for fun reasons like going on holiday, to a wedding etc.

my ILs said they couldn’t manage regular childcare for any GC but they make sure to offer a couple of weekends a year to both us and BIL/SIL, regardless of who lives closer or is older etc.

OP of course YANBU. We have always tried to treat our children exactly the same. We also try and treat our grandchildren the same.
We started by saying that we would provide one day of childcare to each of our 2 children. We also do some babysitting as well. We are lucky that our children had their own children around the same time but when I offered for the first child I made sure I didn’t offer what I couldn’t do for the second child.
Now our grandchildren are getting older, it is school pick ups and holiday stays.
Our children get on well and help each other out too.
I think the problem might be your husband. He should bring it up with his parents. You should not think of your ILs as doing something for you but doing something for your husband.
As much as I love and get on with my children. I know for a fact that my children would not want to live next door to me!!
Is this a cultural thing?

I'm aware of that, but it's still their child's child!! Why does it make a difference which parent asked?!

Imho, it may be as simple as who requested first.
im looking after my great niece as emergency cover from time to time. It means I have to drop my other activities those days/weeks, and frankly it’s harder work for me now aged 60 plus than when I was mum to 2ds

so if one of my own sons has a child, (they’re a while off to pint great niece will be in pre school by then) and I agreed to child mind regularly, it’d be first come first served . If then other gc came along, I’d have to really think if I’d take an extra child on . Siblings ? Probably as they’re used to each other …and parents want younger one looked after same as older one and I’d be used to parenteral preferences and rules. But adding a new child, of my second son, jeez I’d be bloody exhausted in trying to remember which child needed what, should have this, as well as trying to handle 2 plus kids that weren’t siblings.

im not a trained childminder. Plus I’m not exactly overwhelmed by babies….give me a 2.5-9 year ld and I’m far happier and a much better “parent”. I find babies really hard and frankly a lot of drudge work . Love them as I do when they’re my great niece, or my own DS.

and I certainly not be offering up more different days to the second family..I’d be exhausted, and not have time to do things I wanted. When childminding for the gc or that next generation becomes something exhausting and not enjoyable, I’d offer to pay towards childcare tbh. I wouldn’t be stepping up to do more hours to be “fair”.

The only other way would to be negotiate with both families to agree to split the same amount of time between them, or first family send their older kids to nursery. But heck, that’s very disruptive and needs a lot of advanced warning for them to get child care sorted almost as soon as you became pregnant etc.

so, please don’t read this as being unfair, favoured daughter vs unflavoured DIL. That may play a small part, as mums and daughters generally are closer, but it may just be they cannot take on any more and it was first come first served.

Has your husband actually asked his parents as to why ?

This sounds a very sensible and considered appraoch by that one granny - one I may keep up my sleeve if my DS ever do have kids ..not hopeful 🙄🤣

Well surely it doesn't work like that. In my family SIL1 and bro got the most child care, I got next most as daughter. Bro 2 got none and bro 3 got limited. Due to needs and location. All things are never equal.

To give some perspective from a grandparent...

I currently have one grandchild from my eldest dc. Last year I was looking after dgc 3 days a week, for 50 weeks straight. It nearly broke me, I was absolutely knackered. Don't get me wrong, I loved having that time with my dgc, but it is so much harder when you are older than when in your 20's/30's/40's. (I still look after dgc, but for less days.)

You seem to think your mil should be using all 7 of the days in a week so that she can help you equally, rather than have some days for rest - let alone catch up with any housework etc.

Your mil needs time for herself, to do her own thing, to rest and recharge. It does sounds like your sil is taking advantage - but you still feel she should be doing exactly the same for you.

Your entitlement is off the scale.