To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

of course they should cut the childcare and divide their current childcare time in 2.

I never understand people who play favourites with their children like that, and show they have a favourite. At least they're not your problem anymore.

It's sad for their son, having parents who clearly don't care, but it's not your fault.

I have the opposite problem. I wish my PIL would give us some space. My DH is the only one in the family with children and my PIL are absolutely obsessed with them. They need to constantly call, face-time and visit their grandchildren. They can't even go on holiday without needing regular video calls. I wish my DH's sibling had children to take the pressure off us.

I would imagine that will be pretty difficult as you live next door and so can see every day how much time and attention they lavish on their other grandchildren and not yours.

Did you want to move next door to them or was it your DH's idea. Did he think that they would provide some help with your children?

This is astonishing.

"It's just chosen to allow days for rest".

What did you think you were achieving by contorting the sentence like this, did you think it sounded more objective than saying that the grandparents choose to take rest days instead of doing childcare seven days per week?

Thing is if they have already committed to x days for gc1 this may be all they can manage and can't really drop original commitment.

You’re being a bit of a demanding person here, there’s already a support system in the place and what do you expect them to do, look after all the children to appease you?

all my children’s grandparents work… I have minimal support and I’m sure when SIL has hers there will be some who are retired. She’ll get more help, am I jealous no. I chose to have my babies and I’ll look after them. Also just because she gets free hours she doesn’t have to use them, time with grandparents is way more valuable. This suggests to me they’re around 2/4 and yours are younger. Which means you possibly qualify for free hours too?

also just bloody speak to them. They must be exhausted as it is. Maybe then need a break too? Or how about you and SIL work together and support each other has that ever crossed your mind?

Do you work? Number and ages of kids? Do you get on with your in laws in general? There’s a lot of context missing here. But, like most posters, I think you’re coming across as entitled. I found this especially gross:

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

Indeed. How dare they rest? Their time should be spent caring for the children you chose to have. 😑

@CyanDreamer so you would expect GPs to stop childcare for one set of grandchildren to help out for another adult DC? What happens if one adult DC has 2 children and other adult DC has an only, how do you make it fair?

What happens if you have more than 2 adult DC and they all have children, how do you split your time?

A lot depends on age and amount of care wanted. Looking after toddlers when you are 50 is easier than looking after toddlers when you are 60. So looking after one lot of grandchildren for 2 days a week may be tiring, but looking after another older lot for 2 days a week may not be so tiring simply because the older ones don't require as much looking after. Taking 4 children aged 7 to the park is probably a lot less demanding than taking one 2 year old that you constantly have to run around with

The only other thing I can think of is do you treat her the same as you would treat your own mother? Is there something in the way you approach her that makes her see SIL so differently? Does SIL compensate for the childcare or put more effort into the relationship?

Do the other GP’s help out equally? I mean the PIL of your SIL?

What age are your PIL? Could it be that they just haven’t the energy any more to look after very small children? My Mum did one overnight stint when ours were 9 months and just 3, she was absolutely knackered the next day. She would have been 66 at that time.

I'm a GP and DH and I do childcare for our DS and DIL. We don't for DD on a regular basis but do for holidays etc. I have to say that it is bloody exhausting! Despite the fact that we really want to help them and love them more than life itself! When DDs DCs came along, as they live slightly further out anyway logistically it wouldn't have worked for work childcare. And actually we would really struggle doing another set of childcare on a regular basis.

We're also still young(ish) late 50s and no health issues but it's still long days and hard work and we're also retired so want to enjoy our retirement too. It was never in my thoughts to reduce DS childcare to make way for DD. It has never been a conversation we have had or been asked. It's a tricky one but I think YABU expecting them to childcare for you on a regular basis too.

absolutely- I can’t give the same help to child no 2 as I did 15 years ago to child no 1 simply because i’m not so fit. And if child 3 ( still single) ever has children I’ll be in my late 70’s so obviously wouldn’t be doing 2 long days of childcare a week.
Bit different if you have children of similar ages though, that sounds mean. I’d be offering half my time to each if I was in that position

If they live next door do they have time with you and your DC @Notyourproblem? Did you move next door primarily so they would be expected to provide childcare?

Do they help you in other ways eg financially?

I also wondered something similar to that that. Just going on this thread- is it possible she experiences you as prickly or quick to be offended, and worries that it will be a wedge between you, rather than something to bond over.

Can't disagree, I'm just saying I do feel pissed off too.

This is MN op, you aren't supposed to ask for childcare from family. Back in the real world of course it's not fair. My MIL splits childcare/seeing the DC equally, always has.

not stop, but split it.

hat happens if one adult DC has 2 children and other adult DC has an only, how do you make it fair?
pretty sure it's the same amount of childcare, they don't need to host them separately 😂

What happens if you have more than 2 adult DC and they all have children, how do you split your time?
equally, how hard can it be?

I dont' know their life or arrangements but some might need day childcare, others occasional weekend childcare, or some days during the holiday. People are not robot, but if you do 1 day a week, surely you alternate between the kids?

Long as they make a healthy effort to see the children & yourselves, yabu. Its their choice, maybe looking after SIL kids knacker them out and they cant do anymore days.

So when your IL's are elderly and need care, will you be stepping up completely equally to your SIL? Since you want to be treated exactly the same...

I have to say I won't be. I will look after my own mum and expect my DH and his siblings to look after theirs when the time comes. I won't be giving my FIL sponge baths or whatever.

It makes perfect sense to me that the GPs are willing to put themselves out more for their DD than for their DIL. You say it's you asking for more childcare, not their actual DS (your DH). I think yabu.

Can you give some examples, OP, of what childcare your inlaws give to the other family, and what they do for yours?

So your idea that grandparents should spend the week looking after kids from each sibling every day and have weekends off ? What ? You really don't do yourself any favours here OP . Your only interest seems to be what people can provide you with for free . Not ever mentioned the relationship just childcare .

I know! Astonishing is the word for it. I actually read it twice, as my brain refused to accept that anyone could be that entitled.

OP is a real piece of work.

Commitments change all the time. They are quite able to say "your brother now needs help. We are able to provide 4 days a week help which you have always benefited from, but now this helps needs to be shared with your brother"

So when your IL's are elderly and need care, will you be stepping up completely equally to your SIL? Since you want to be treated exactly the same...

usually it's the child who benefited from the most help who disappear when it's their turn sadly.

Plus it's not up to the OP to take care of elderly in-laws, childcare should be for their SON. Why playing favourite with their daughter?