To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I don't think I would, I would be happy that I had years of help already.
Generally, fairness is important to me.

@Notyourproblem "But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)"

Am I reading this right? That you think your MIL should spend every single day/available moment doing childcare because there are enough days in the week (!) and that you actually resent her choosing "days for rest". Fuck me.

Edited to say that your last comment of "fairness is important to me" is bloody ironic.

So they've got to drop what they're already doing and share out equally or find extra time for yours?

And is this for work?
And are they retired?
How old are they/the children concerned?

I have had the same experience with both set of GPs. The age gap is quite significant, they don't have the same energy they had when our siblings had children (in their 50s, now in their late 60s).
But mainly, no one really wants to go back to the nappy/toddler stage. The cousins are older, they already have a relationship, it's easier.

That’s evidently false as you expect them to give up their rest days to assist you.

It’s also not “fairness” that sees children having their routine disrupted to suit you.
It’s actually incredibly unfair.

So you didn't actually say in your OP that you live next to his parents. I do think that makes things different. Maybe she overcompensates time wise due to having you all so close?
If she favoured SILs children in terms of gifts at Christmas ect I'd have a huge issue. But personally not with this.
If there is pushback, take yourself out of the equation equation and let DH handle it. For all you know she could be giving the same pushback to SIL when you are not around.

At the end of the day though, she doesn't owe you childcare.

No. We were never treated the same on any level. That extended to the GC.

When I had my kids, my MIL actually sat me down and told me that she wouldn't be providing any childcare.

Fastforward a couple of years, and she was having her other son's kids frequently, fastforward another couple of years and she moved in with her other son and helped look after them.

At the time I just shrugged, I was fine and fiercely independent anyway. But, when I split with her son and looked back over it all, I just don't think she liked me - there was a pattern of just slightly poor treatment that I didn't notice at the time, but in hindsight was pretty clear

Tbh, this is such an awful thought process. If they have any hint you are thinking along these lines I'm not surprised they don't want to help more!

Most likely reason for them not providing the same level of support is that they aren't able to.
They are older, so probably less able to cope with the baby/ toddler/ young children stage. A few years can make a big difference to the capabilities of grandparents.
They already have limited free time- due to commitments they made to 1st grandchild/ children. Options now are to give up what free time they do have or have all their grandchildren at the same time, which would be hard work.
So I think Yabu.

Fairness is important to you, you say, as you feel entitled to organise other people’s time and priorities for your own convenience. Unbelievable hubris. How about taking care of your own children? You had them - you look after them, instead of trying to find ways in which you can foist them onto others.

I don’t have brothers and it has been fascinating to observe how my in-laws treat their sons and daughter differently in general.

I don’t think they have a favourite child, it just seems they see their sons as more competent/self-sufficient and their daughter as dependent and needing more from them. This has led to them “being there” for her a lot more (including childcare). My husband has never expressed upset but there have been times he too might have benefited from more guidance from them.

That being said, among my own cousins, one of the men is the one that gets all the help with childcare and I know it causes strife between him and his sister.

This is the problem.

Both son and daughter should be helped or not helped roughly equally (if other things such as reasons for needing help are similar) but the daughter is asking for help and the son isn't.

If son says no help is needed, or simply doesn't ask, then the squeeky wheel gets all the oil.

Parents wouldn't normally go against their child because their child's spouse expects it.

Although regardless of asking they should try to see (not take sole charge of) the grandchildren roughly equally as they all live close by.

She said her DH said they'd get the same treatment as his ds and if they ask, they get pushback. I think she's allowed to feel aggrieved, I'm not really seeing entitlement unless it's because her DH foolishly promised more than his parents can/want to deliver.

You sound quite awful. What if OP's mum has died?

So her wanting her nieces / nephews childcare routine to be disrupted or the grandparents give up rest days is not entitled?

Ok.

If her husband made false promises her issue is with him.

So your in laws aren't allowed days off because you decide it must be 'equal'. They don't exist just to cater to you and their daughter, they are allowed to have a life and entitled to spend their free time however they chose.

You sound so incredibly entitled its almost hard to believe.

If you get forgotten about childcare and they have a favourite child, then great. You don't have to put up with them, so it's no In-Laws intruding on your life.

See if SIL is that quick to help them out when they are elderly too, they're not your problem now. Win.

I feel sorry for grandparents these days with so many entitled people expecting them to give up their lives to look after grandchildren. It's a favour and no one is owed free childcare. There was already an arrangement in place, it sucks that you didn't have kids first and get the free childcare but do you really expect them to give up all their time because of your choice to have children?

Thanks for saying this. Honestly, I got so much grief for using words like expect etc. so nice to get a bit of compassion

This has made me think, I give lots of my time to my DD and DSL and their children as I am their only support. DS & DDL, I do what I can but her mum is also very supportive. Can I just say also, we do get very tired especially if we are still working as not quite state pension age yet which is 67 for me.

they don't need to give up all their free time
they just need to split the childcare time in 2

so spend the same time doing childcare, but with both sets of grand-children.

if they are not interested because they have a favourite child, no need to bother with a relationship with them. They're not interested in the other set of grand-children, fine.

She’s already made commitments with her daughter and her children. How old are your children and why can’t they go to nursery? If you’re not entitled to funded hours then that must mean that you and your husband earn over £100,000 so you can afford the fees.

I trusted my mum absolutely with my babies - she had brought up me and my sisters and brothers after all. My SIL was ‘PFB’ to the extent she once ordered my mum out of her house for telling her gc not to put hands all over the cakes at tea (and not in an angry way). The child was picking each cake up and then putting it down again. So that was that on the childcare front.

I think mums do feel more comfortable with their own daughters’ dc where childcare is concerned

@Notyourproblem what if there are a large number of years between grandchildren would you expect GPs to provide childcare into their late 70s/80s to make it fair?

Would you expect GPs to have no break so they can provide childcare?