To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

This is what I got from OP’s post as well.

that is the real question - have you actually asked. Because surely you do need to - no grandparent wants to overstep and it is on the parent to set boundaries and ask

It’s not stopping childcare altogether, but doing one day for each for example. Friend’s parents have done this, and there was no resentment from the ones that had grandchildren first. They acknowledged their parents should get time with both sets of grandparents children and things should be equal.

My mum chose not to do that, and has my sister’s children full time, and sees mine a couple of times a month. I didn’t want her to do childcare and we had them booked full time into nursery. But it hurts that she has very little relationship with mine, and never offers to have them ever

People should be looking after their own children and not be expecting or relying on GPS and getting into competitions.

My sister got all of my parents’ time and a fair chunk of their money at a time when it would really have helped us. I felt it was unfair and said so. What my DM said was that in the end it was her time and her money and it was up to her what she did with it. What she saw was that I could cope and my sister couldn’t.

it sounds harsh, but she was right. It was her choice to make. Neither of us were entitled to anything. As it happens she did try and even things up but it was in the way she chose.

What I’m reading on this thread is a huge sense of entitlement, an expectation that DGP will spend their retirement providing childcare on demand and deep resentment when they don’t.

It’s petulant and infantile.

If you plan to be a parent you need to expect to care for your own children without roping in help. Otherwise don’t have them.

I don’t mean they decide and then tell - rather that they work out how to ask for continuing help (assuming GPs are committed to help DD for the foreseeable) in a way that is fair to their DS (and therefore OP) and DD, and I don’t think they should ask for more time/commitment than the GP are already giving.
If I’m right about my bullet points in my first post (and I may well be wrong), then having the children agree that they (a) recognise that DS deserves help too and (b) they are grateful for that help, don’t it for granted and don’t expect more, they’ll be in a good position for one or both of them to raise the topic with GP and see how they feel about things.
There are many, many factors that may affect things that we don’t know about, of course, this is a very simplistic assessment. Of course you wouldn’t want your DC dictating what you should do, but conversations need to be had to break this impasse. What would you suggest is the best first step?

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest

Absolutely outrageous that they should be considering taking rest days, how dare they!! I know you’ve already said this was a poor choice of words, but the fact it’s entered your head to think this way about what they ‘should’ be doing is just unbelievable. It really isn’t the role of a grandparent to devote all their time equally to all grandchildren. You must realise that so many people get zero support from grandparents, so if you get something you’re better off than most. When your DH’s parents are older, do you think it will be you, or DH, or your SIL that helps them out? Will you ensure to split that equally? It just doesn’t work like that in the majority of cases.

If you live next door to DH parents i'd consider moving. I wouldn't want to see them babysitting constantly. Move to somewhere you want to live and far away from them!

I think your problem is you see this help as a right and that they’ve let you and your DH down by not providing it - as opposed to recognising any childcare as a kind favour that you should be reasonably grateful for (many people don’t have that at all).

If instead your question had been “how can I and my DH talk to my in laws about whether they would be willing to share the time they spend looking after their grandchildren a bit more equally between our kids and my SIL’s kids” you would have probably had a very different set of responses. If you decide to try and address things I would suggest that you change the attitude you have and look at trying to be more collaborative / recognising it is not as simple as “making it fair”. Life often isn’t “fair” - you need to remember you are still in an enviable position.

As others have said (a) they have already made commitments and walking back from those is a big deal so you need to treat a request for them to do that with respect not just expect them to, (b) the older kids are probably a bit easier now, (c) as they get older they may want to do less not more childcare.

I think it’s a bit strange to be more upset at the lack of support your PIL are providing vs. what your own parents are prepared to do (assuming still alive and compos mentis).

Generally I think it’s okay to expect some help from grandparents on either side of the family but people do tend to help their own daughters out more because typically caring for grandchildren is very female led.

My PIL would rather chew off their own arms than help with grandkids - my MIL in particular is the sort that will sit on the sofa reading news on their iPad ignoring preschoolers playing around them.

In some cases its simply a mother/daughter bond thing. Add in that her children are older and the childcare/routines are established I have not heard of anyone who volunteers to increase their own nursery bill to free up their parents babysitting schedule. Also grandparents will be older, might find it exhausting and don't want to commit another few years of regular childcare having learned from their first experience

She literally admitted she’s resentful so that’s not a revelation or a gotcha.

Sorry that doesn't make it better. If you want to discuss what I'm going to do discuss it with me. I would not be impressed to be told there'd been a meeting to discuss what was fair and the answer would be simple - a very fair no childcare for any of them.

If I want to do more childcare that would also be for me to offer and not have other people deciding that I was only going to continue doing the same as previously but divided "fairly"

If I'm considered capable of looking after a child do me the courtesy of treating me like an adult.

From your earlier posts @Notyourproblem, it seems you do receive some free childcare from your PILs, just not as much childcare as you expect.

You come across as very ungrateful for the help you do receive.

Based on your attitude displayed on this thread, the GPs would be well advised to give you a wide berth.

Because if I agreed to do something I'm not going to go back on it.

And if you came to me with your 'demands' you'd be sent away with a flea in your ear.

I have done what I can for all my children and DGC (to my own detriment really - retirement and doing your own thing? How does that work?) within the time frame and order of their births and being asked

And bearing in mind I had NO family help with my children at all

There are some very good reasons why gps give different levels of childcare to the children of their offspring. I will give you my example.

DB had first GC. GPs still working so besides the occasional weekend overnight nothing more.
I had my first and DB had his second. GP still working. So no child care.

Younger brother had first just as GM retired so had him from 9 months 2x week for 2 years.

older brother had 3rd and GM had him 1x a week. It was all she was willing to do as late 60s at this point.

I had my second and mum looked after him from 9 months until dad also retired. Whereupon he put his foot down and said his retirement dreams did not include watching his older wife spend her remaining years running herself ragged with toddlers. We all had to find alternative childcare. Most of our in laws just said ‘no’ I’ve done my child caring you are on your own..

When I had my last - before I had even asked - dad made it very clear that they live to see us but now it’s their time and they will be travelling while they still can and that at 75 my mother does not have the capacity for toddlers .

So OP no - equality is not realistic . Kids grow . GPS get older. GPS have retirement plans . Some are still working . Everyone has an individual life pattern/events which precludes equality .Grandparents arranging their lives and retirement just to satisfy your equality requirements is neither fair or realistic.

Well also, as you think it would be 'outing' to give info like the ages of the children and the GPs it's got everyone frothing at the mouth without the pertinent information

You have no idea Ops circumstances or her parents circumstances. They could be 40s / 50s and still working full-time unable to provide much support or they could be abusive twits that are best steered clear off.

But ultimately parents should provide equal support to their DC. Not the daughter getting tons and the sons lucky to get a few scraps.

Perhaps I could have been clearer - the DS/DD conversation should be to

1. acknowledge that DS should benefit from childcare as well as DD. (You may disagree, and there may be other factors at play as I said. It’s more complicated than giving equal pocket money but the principle is similar).
2. acknowledge that they appreciate their DP’s help
3. acknowledge that GP may already be wondering how to change arrangements to include DS’s DC but not know how to broach the subject

In the GP situation here, what would you do, all else being equal? Would you raise the subject, or continue with the status quo? Would you recognise that treating your DC and DGC differently might breed resentment? Of course no one should feel entitled to anything but it would be a rare individual who is equanimous in the face of their sibling getting a major benefit from their DP while their feelings appear to be disregarded.

I got so much grief for wrong use of words - the question was should one expect the same support, and many have kindly pointed out that there are so many reasons to consider that will make equal support not possible and it's fine and just happens in many families.
I will just stop expecting it and it will be useful for me no doubt.
And yes, as some pointed out, I should be grateful for anything given - which I am, but that was not the point of the thread.

It's difficult, because people age. Having been ok providing X amount of care to babies and toddlers 5 years ago and coping fine as they age and become less physically hard work does not mean a person is capable of looking after a small child now. This is a fact, but that doesn't mean people aren't going to have feelings about it.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable either @Notyourproblem. My in-laws favour my SIL’s children to the point it’s actually embarrassing. For my in-laws I mean. They are so obsessed with them but can’t seem to identify how much they show it. And obsessed with their daughter. My FIL especially. (It actually makes me really uncomfortable so I’m not remotely jealous)

My husband is always second best, despite providing a lot for them, and I do find it maddening when they ignore my H’s birthday, and go completely bonkers on the daughter’s. They also, despite very similar financial circs, expected us to hand over everything we have to my SIL. So weird. My FIL is cross if we ever get ANYTHING new, that his daughter doesn’t have. Doesn’t matter what it is.

They’re actually bonkers and I could write so many threads about them.

I still think it’s very weird to be more annoyed at in-laws when your own parents don’t or can’t help, whichever one that may be.

For her in-laws, perhaps they just prefer being around their own daughter than their DIL, which is entirely their right.

I agree with this. And then when the time comes that they need help, the daughter will be the only logical point of call.

I think it is also a rare person who wants a meeting they aren't invited to discussing what they could/should be doing.