To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

It is a choice to do childcare. Please don’t wish your children don’t have children. The main thing is you treat everyone equally.

I have raised my kids to know they can ask if they need support, and they do. I have no doubt they would ask if they needed to. I don't think childcare is something I would actually offer. That's the sort of thing I might consider if asked. (That said, I did say in an earlier post that I would be prepared to help if my DD wanted to have a child and had some struggles with her health, which was something able to be anticipated in advance, and she was openly talking about it).

I'm more likely to offer something like, if one of the child's parents said they were really tired, would they like me to come hold the baby so they can have a shower/sleep, do some housework for them, bring around a meal or two (or more), pay for something. I am good at picking up on needs. I'd hope they could ask but if I pick up on that sort of thing, I will try to help.

What does treating everyone equally look like? There might be a 30 year gap between grandchildren for us.

Did your DP ever actually ask his DP if they'd be willing/able to offer the same amount of childcare that they provide his DSis before he had kids?

If he did not - and if he subsequently has not asked them for childcare, why the surprise that it hasn't been offered?

It isn't unusual that the DD gets more childcare than the DS, but... its also super common that the adult child who has kids first and makes arrangements for childcare with the grandparents first, is the one who gets the most childcare.

Sometimes thats going to be a bit of favouritism, sometimes its that the new grandparents haven't really considered the future, have jumped in, perhaps over-offered... sometimes they've been pressured a bit ...

And sometimes theres a bit of a gap between their DD having kids and their sons DP having kids and they're older and aren't so keen or able any more.

Theres a lot of ifs, buts and maybes, and until you and your DP have a proper, frank conversation with his parents, you really don't know and cannot know.

Quite.

Wanting to spend time with grandchildren isn't being regular unpaid weekly childcare.

My parents looked after DS1 regularly. The first GC. 15yrs ago. They liked taking him out to things. They had energy, they had better health, they could keep up with a toddler.

Now, they are 15yrs older. And we have DTwins. They never have them. Because they are 15yrs older and want to enjoy life, not run after DTwins, not to mention they couldn't actually run after DTwins even if they wanted too! They see them all the time. Days out. They pop round. I pop round. They have a lovely relationship. I parent my own children in their presence. What a concept!

My point is, so did mine. We have a great relationship and yet I cannot ask due to various reasons which have nothing to do with my parents or my relationship with them. I’m just saying that my parents are like you, but you never truly know what’s going on with someone till you ask. You don’t have to listen to what I’m saying, hopefully you’re correct, but you never truly know.

I think it comes as part of natural conversation to find out if there are any needs, unless they aren't telling me because they want to keep something personal, which is fine too. If you can't ask, then that's on you.

I know what goes on with my DD because she's an open book. The rest are still at home, so easy there.

I think you have to be more careful with an IL child too. There are a lot of threads on here about interfering MILs, so you can't push too hard or you'll be prying and it could damage the relationship.

I'm big on communication.

I don't have GC but, as I said, regular weekly childcare isn't something I would just offer. I might open that conversation if one of the parents was in hospital or something else was going on, but not if it's for work purposes. It's a discussion I'm open to having, not initiating.

I’ve only read your (OP’s) posts and not all the responses: have the ILs been explicitly asked for help and refused, or have you been waiting for them to step up and offer equal support unprompted, or for DH to have the conversation with them? In their shoes, I imagine I’d be:

1. Not wanting to commit more free time to minding GC
2. Not wanting to have an awkward conversation about downgrading time for DD’s DC to make room to care for DS’s DC
3. Dreading DS bringing it up because yes it does seem unfair to give his DC less time and attention
4. Feeling guilty but also indignant that they’re being really helpful and somehow will come out looking like the bad guy because they won’t do everything everyone wants

Many parents don’t help with their GC at all and it sounds like yours are better than most; it’s just a case of working out how to change the set up to accommodate the new GC while keeping things fair for the GP and not upsetting DD. If everyone could try to appreciate how everyone else is feeling and be respectful of that it should be easy enough to come to a new way of doing things. Much easier said than done of course. Maybe DH and SIL could have a conversation about what might be fair for their DP and allow a bit of help for DH’s DC?

OP, I think you are setting yourself up for a huge amount of unhappiness in life, should you choose to continue in this vein.

Would it be acceptable for your MIL to stop childcare for your SIL so that it was “equal”.
How would you feel if she said: here’s X pounds a month for the childcare you think I owe you, but I have no wish to be your employee thanks, especially after reading that thread on MumsNet.
How would you feel if she said, “I feel so tired and resentful that my daughter has gouged this from me. And because no good deed goes unpunished, I’m being painted as the nasty bitch for not doubling my efforts.”
How would you feel if she said “Sure, SIL pays me X pounds a week.”
How would you feel if she was waiting to be asked and she is assuming that you don’t want her near your child, or to have too much to do with her.

You have only seen this one way, and considered only you and your feelings. Other people have their own perspectives and lives which don’t have to be centered on you.
It is very noticeable that you are being a bit vague about what it is that you actually want here. So can you articulate what you’re looking for: from my reading it is (a) MIL to volunteer without being asked (b) She matches what SIL gets hour for hour (c) She matches what SIL has already had in the past (d) No complaints or seeing the arrangement in a way that you don’t like (e) She does the childcare as you want.

Is that an accurate or inaccurate reading, because I think it would really help the thread if you could add more detail on these aspects.

You’re big on communication but that doesn’t extend to listening to someone’s opinion or asking a simple question every now and then? Ok.

And you don’t need to be careful with an IL relationship, you need to treat them well and treat the grandkids like your own, that’s it. And I say that as someone who was treated poorly by in laws who has agreed to help for their care and never once fucking complained. That’s such a shit attitude to have.

I really hope you’re right, but asking actually goes a really long way. And yeah, it IS on me but wouldn’t it be nice if it it wasn’t on the struggling person who feels like they can’t express that? Again, not due to the relationship with my parents or anything my parents have done. But despite your amazing communication skills, you don’t want to hear that. Anyway, have a lovely day.

This is such a complex issue.

This will make me look incredibly selfish but I would only provide regular childcare in a situation where I felt loved, valued and appreciated. Regular childcare as a grandparent is very hard work. I do so much of it, and it nearly kills me sometimes, much as I adore them all.

If I had any sense that it was expected of me simply because I was already doing it for another of my children I would be irritated in the extreme. This is possibly more likely to happen in the case of a DIL because these relationships can sometimes be more strained. Therefore if you want grandparents to do childcare, the relationship between you and them is critical and needs nurturing so that they feel respected, actually want to help you and don’t feel coerced into it.

I do listen to opinions and ask questions of my children and son in law. So not sure where you get that I don't. How do you even have a relationship without doing that?

I won't be asking about offering childcare unless there is some sort of circumstance going on. Like I said, I am open to that conversation but it's not something I will consider my responsibility to offer. I have offered childcare when my child was talking to me about medical issues and how she might cope, for example.

If any child is planning to have a child expecting me to do childcare, they better talk to me about it before they conceive that child, or they might be disappointed. It's not my responsibility.

Have you ever considered that there might be things going on in the life of your parents you don't know about that might stop them living up to your expectations? Or that they aren't mind readers?

@Notyourproblem can you explain how much childcare you want or need, what it’s for and what the age gap between the grandchildren is?

You’ve posted in AIBU , and as many women do on here as soon as somebody says yes you are you argue with then to show them that you’re not ! Totally pointless even posting , you may as well have just said ‘ allow me to have a rant about my in-laws and childcare ! ‘

This though can become a downward spiral. You feel valued by one because you are supporting them. The other doesn't value you because they see the disparity. Rather than addressing that, you dig down further and provide less support and so the resentment grows.

It is so difficult. You suggest the siblings discussing it to sort it out and that seems very reasonable except if I found out my kids had discussed the help I was going to provide and "sorted it out" I'm afraid I'd tell them to go and sort their own lives out and leave me to sort mine.

It isn't easy to take everyone's feelings into account but I am am an adult with capacity not the unpaid help to be shared out by my kids.

Have I missed that MiL is on her own or is there an FiL on the scene too?

Yes.. I agree I'm my son's parent too but I meant I hope they understand that I might be too old to give childcare when they have DC.

Currently 19 years between youngest and oldest GC and I think we might have one or two more yet. A big difference between me at 49 and now at 71 with a lively 2 year old who I adore and do provide childcare for but I know I shouldn't have them full-time as I can't provide enough stimulation five days a week.

It's absolutely fine not to do childcare as a grandparent and actually we didn't expect (or get) that at all.

It's absolutely fine that things might not be exactly equal due to age or distance

But so often these things are used as ways to retrospectively justify what the grandparents always wanted to do - favour their daughter and her children

The first come first serve point for example - how often do we see posts from women saying that their children have been dropped by the grandparents as the daughter has now had children? Really common. How often do we see posts from women saying that their children have been dropped now that their brother has had children? Never happens. When the daughter has children first, it's first come first serve, when the son does, it's oh the daughter needs me now.. It's heads I win, tails you lose for daughters' children almost always

I'm absolutely astonished that you think your in-laws should work full-time - UNPAID - giving childcare.

Your sense of entitlement and lack of understanding of how hard it gets to care for small children as you age is quite remarkable.

I do think you are being quite harsh though, of course MIL needs to rest and do stuff between her childcare responsibilities. She deserves time too

I don’t tho l that’s what she is getting at.

If MIL has DHC 4 days a week she could cut it back to 2 days and help OP - not add extra days.

Not necessarily. Fair does not always mean the same.

My cousins hate me as adults because their parents were so hell set that it was unfair how much they looked after me vs them. They didn't know that my mum was a massive alcoholic and I had a vile step dad and my grandparents were trying to protect me. As soon as my cousin's mum got cancer in their late teens, my grandparents moved 4 hours to live near them to help. Whoever needed the help most, was priority.

GP are just as culpable in making this connection and just as likely to expect transactional relationships with their children.

If DH hasn't actually asked them for the support, how are they supposed to know this is a problem?
If he did, maybe they would try and make it more equal!