To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Completely agree with this - there is a massive undercurrent of sexism running through the vast majority of posts on here - it is not the mother’s sole responsibility to arrange childcare, and providing childcare to grandchildren is not doing the mother a favour? So many pps seem to just take for granted that both of these things are true.

I think where there are big disparities in terms of distance or age it makes sense that grandparents would have different arrangements, or if one of their children needed a lot more support for some reason (single parent, additional needs etc) but if they have 2 kids who both have young children and both live close by then vastly different offers of support does seem unfair. And it certainly shouldn’t be justified on the basis that one of their kids is male and the other female?!

That would be fair if the PIL of the OP even know she would like childcare. It sounds like their son hasn't even asked them, so they might not even know they want the favour? That's on their son.

Why would the PIL not offer? I wouldn’t wait to be asked. I’d say to my son in a heartbeat, ‘I’m here if you need me’. Am I the only person whose family talks to one another?

That’s what I said to my son.

but it sounds like the ops dh said that his parents would do an amount of childcare and didn’t even ask them for that commitment.

How anyone could begrudge that child some love and care from grandparents is beyond me. A young mum dying and never seeing her child grow up isn't very fair.

Realistically, an unspoken rule
of family life is that I think first come, greater the slice of time and sometimes affection of the gp. By the time other kids come along gp’s are older, a bit done and entrenched in their acts of service. It would take a strong personality and energetic gp to readdress for fairness. Can see why you’re annoyed but it’s the way it goes.

Not that this is a race to the bottom, but I don’t even get the same childcare from my parents than my biological sister. My retired parents do all weekday afternoons for my sister while she and her husband work, and when my baby arrived they said that they unfortunately don’t have any more free time to give because all days are taken already. They also feel too old to go back to caring after a baby and are well settled in afternoon activities with their other two grandchildren, not fair, but their live, their choice.

Why would I assume they want childcare to offer it? I never wanted childcare, I suppose I'd think people would enjoy being with their own kids like I did? If I became aware they were having issues or might want help, then I'd offer. Otherwise I assume they are fully functioning adults with their lives in control, that can ask if they need help.

Not read the full thread, but could it just be as simple as - rightly or wrongly - they think you’re all sorted/capable and they think DIL needs all the help she can get?

May ILs are tired and can’t take on any more. They have already committed to SIL and gave a longstanding arrangement with her, so to suggest they should cancel their existing commitment to service you, it’s utterly ridiculous. You’re not ‘entitled’ to anything, certainly not from somebody else’s parents. Sort your own childcare out.

Yes - in an ideal world all things would be equal. But circumstances change, people get older, we are not always able to manage the same things or have the same income or resources. None has any idea how many GC they'll have, if any. The idea that you'll factor in an unknown number of future GC is a nice fantasy.

That is okay but would you accept this means that relationships with the other family members are not as strong? Would you do nothing to make favouritism less obvious? What I find odd about this approach is it rarely acknowledges consequences and the GPs still expect lots of love and affection. My mother was older and never offered any childcare and I am fine with that. Because you can be frank on mumsnet I think she is relieved my in laws are so obviously out of line to everyone, including the wider family, but them, it makes her closer to her grandchildren as she looks great in comparison

@LovesToWalk especially as DH doesn’t seem to have spoken to them. I wonder if DH just assumed by moving next door they would get free childcare.

If SIL’s child is starting school in September and the younger one is in nursery, the GPs might be thinking they have more time for themselves and hadn’t realised at the time of offering help how tiring it would be. And they can’t face looking after a baby for hours a day

You don’t assume- hence the ‘I’m here if you need me’.

if they don’t need the help then they can just say, thanks for the offer mum but we’re good.

I'm here if you need me is a well established part of my relationships with my children, so I don't need to spell it out for each circumstance. They know if they need me, I'll be there. Always have been. But I'm not a mind reader.

I also don't think it's a female oriented thing because if my son in law called me needing me, I'd be there too.

I'm a grandparent who helps with childcare.Those saying that it's normal to prioritise dd's children over dil, I don't get this. They are all my grandchildren and I try to help out as best I can.
I communicate directly with both my dil and my ds about childcare. I find it odd that people think my ds should somehow be more important in the matter. They are both my grandchildren's parents.
I do think though, that the fact your sil is already taking up their time has an influence on the situation. They are already commited to this, which you knew, so they can't just back out of it to suit you.
They only have so much time available to help you out so unfortunately, you just have to be realistic about it.

YANBU - this is about the GC and they are showing favouritism. We’ve been in a similar situation and it’s been painful especially for my DP. We maintain a good relationship because my DC love their grandparents and are young so can’t see the difference in treatment - I expect they will in time and can make their own choices

Then the grandparents are shit grandparents. Because the grandchildren are all the same no matter whose womb they grew in, so to obviously favour one over another due to their mother is abhorrent.

I have been in your position OP and actually my situation was worse and I desperately needed help but never got it. Didn’t say anything ever, still visit regularly off my own back and try to nurture relationship with grandparents. But grandparents still wonder why my DC aren’t as loving as other DC. And it’s because the effort they put in in comparison was minimal. I don’t expect care from grandparents, I know they’ve done their child rearing and are older and want to enjoy their lives etc, but if you don’t put in the effort you can’t expect a child to automatically love you.

My post mentioned different parenting styles and my financial contributions. You made a lot of assumptions around that!

In your case yes, same as mine, but clearly not in the case of the OP as the DIL doesn’t feel able to ask.

Indeed.

I'm reading this thread with some incredulity. They're are so many posters who see their parents as employees, with a responsibility to their children. How absolutely miserable and entitled, quite apart from the dependency. Some posters don't seem to have grown up.

Retirement is supposed to be time for people to be able to have time for themselves. To relax. To be able to do the stuff that they couldn't do when they were working. But no, grandparents are expected to take on a new kind of work and responsibility, and according to that poster, should do so full time 'to be fair'.

Treating grandchildren fairly in the normal GP relationship is another thing entirely, which some people are falsely conflating with the OP.
But jeeze, the resentment is strong in so many posts, with no regard for GPs health, energy levels, or hopes for a life of their own.

She shouldn't have to ask. The son should. It's his child and parents too. It sounds like this son has made promises on behalf of his parents to the DIL though, which is not on anyway.

Honestly, sometimes they may not ask. A lot of people have they ‘if they wanted to they would’ mindset. I have it now and having been burnt by one set of grandparents I know take this with my own, even though they think like you and would never ask unless an emergency. You may find if you offer it is taken up, no matter how much you think they would just ask if they wanted.

OP I think you have left yourself open to criticism by leaving out so many details.
Do you want childcare to work, need a break or so kids can have a relationship with their GP?

The why matters.

Just to add my children are really close to their cousins because me and Sil babysat each others kids for occasional weekends away. Is it possible ye could do this so the GP can get a rest?

Someone else's parents? They are still the grandparents of the child, the same relation to the other GC they are looking after. So it should be first to have children gets 100% and the rest get nothing? That makes no sense. What about the relationship with the 2 sets of GC being so different. My kids go to the same school as their cousins and need to see my Mum picking up ky brothers kids every week and never them, it's heartbreaking. In our case it's different from most as my Mum favours my brother and he has the last set of Grandchildren!