To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I would say that's unfair, yes. If I had GC two days a week and another wanted me to have their children two days a week, I'd offer to have them the same two days.

If one child said they were fine with that and the other insisted on me having their children without the other set of grandchildren present, I'd feel fine about telling them that I am offering the same time, this is what works for me, if they aren't happy about it, then they will need to make other arrangements. If both aren't happy, then they can have one day each. If I'm doing you the favour of caring for your children, I do it around what works for me.

Either! They can’t be seeing their next-door grandchildren much at all if they’re either commuting to provide childcare (and cook and clean) miles away, or resting to recover for the next trip.

@Drfosters but people on low income/basic pension can think the world of their children but not be able to afford to help with cost of nursery, or do you expect them to live in poverty so they can help one adult DC if 10 years ago they provided childcare for another adult DC. I would think I hadn’t brought my DC up very well if they had that sense of entitlement.

This is exactly it for me. It’s not that we didn’t receive the same amount of childcare support, that was fine and due to circumstance, it’s that they’ve never attempted to redress the imbalance in the relationships between the different sets of gc. They’re kind enough but not close to our dc who sadly don’t have gp on my side so in laws are the only gp they have.

But it's also irrelevant to the OP. She isn't not getting child care because the grandparents are 20 years older and now incapable. The grandparents are providing care currently on a weekly basis. OP is just not getting any support because her SIL has basically called dibs.

There's no reason why when the OP became pregnant the grandparents couldn't have said to their daughter "just to let you know we have time to babysit 4 times a week, for the last few years you have benefited fully from that, but now that time will need to be shared with your brothers children"

How would you like them to redress that? There is no compensation for time that would build a relationship with the GC. If you spend more time with one set of GC, you're going to be closer to them. So someone who lives hours away from GPs, as opposed to minutes, is going to be less close, which makes sense.

This is an interesting question as you have just made me realise that every mother I know has their own parents seeing their Grandchildren and doing more childcare than the man's parents do

Is it while she works? They can’t break an agreement with her if so.

What kind of childcare or you after? Ad-hoc or regular?

If you want things to be the same then grandma 1 looks after her daughters children therefore your mum should look after yours. Or do you just want MIL to do childcare for everyone but non of your side of the family pitch in.

Things can't always be 50/50 for many reasons.
My friend was torn because one of her children had four children under 6 and the other one had one around 10 when arguments broke out.

My friend was saying that she tried looking after the 4 children because mum went back to work but because of her hip and knee problems found it impossible. It was easy with the other child who just liked to do arts and crafts, read and watch tv.

She was accused of being unfair. Fortunately the son of many kids told his wife that it was their issue to sort out and reminded her that friend had given them free living accommodation for 4 years before the children, so swings and roundabouts!

Of course they can. If the GP developed ill health or some other circumstance arose, she'd have to find other care. GPs have the right to resign caring at any time, for any reason.

As we aren't hearing much obviously from the kids here are some quotes from an awful conversation when told my child GPs had organised a kids holiday without her - think greenland for Christmas, money wasn't the issue. "Its like we are 2 separate families" "when they get older and wonder why they aren't close to me this is why". Because that is what happens when children have to repeatedly watch favouritism. Hurting my child like that is what I can't forget. It is so ridiculous to think there will not be a consequence.

The op hasn’t said what the age gap is.

I think it's a difficult one if the GP are already providing childcare and have been for some time. It might be difficult to change up everyone's routine. Especially if your DH hasn't exactly asked/insisted. I understand where you're coming from though but I can also see where GP and SIL are happy with the status quo.

Some parents favour one child over another for their own reasons or perhaps they think DH is more able to cover things himself being a man with his own family now, whereas DD is still just DD who needs them (although married). In some families the DS is the blue eyed boy, the one producing heirs carrying on the name and all that, and the married DD is now more remote and part of a different family. Nothing is fair in life. Do you ask for help or are you expecting them to offer?

Honestly, I'm shocked by the number of posters framing this as a mother/daughter vs DIL issue and focusing on whether a mother would help her daughter over her DIL. Particularly the chorus of 'where's your own mum?'.

So childcare is just the woman's problem? If OP's MIL helped out, it would be a favour to OP and not OP's DH, MIL's own son? Last I checked, childcare should be both parent's responsibility.

Looking after DGC is not a favour to their mother fgs. It's helping the family. And MIL's own son!

With the above out the way, again, it isn't even about wanting free childcare. It's about treating your children equally. Of course if it's been 15 years since you offered childcare to first DC, it's not reasonable to be expected to start again with babies at 75. But if you're offering childcare to one DC with young children, and not your other DC who also has young children, it's going to sting.

And again - there's nothing unreasonable at all about having a conversation with adult DC who already benefit from regular childcare, and letting them know that in a year's time, you'll be extending a day of support to their sibling to help with other DGC, so they'll have to find alternative arrangements for one day a week. It's hardly a huge upheaval. People find alternative childcare arrangements all the time, and in most cases, it's the fairest approach.

I couldn't fathom ever treating my DC so differently. It's baffling to me that so many seem okay with offering so little support to one DC and so much support to another.

Just visit them, spend time with them! In laws are hugely active people, and drive all over Europe on holidays and visit friends (good for them!) but it’s always too much trouble to drive the two hours up the motorway to visit their gc. We try and make arrangements to visit them but they don’t like to be tied down to dates in case they want to go away. As such, they haven’t seen their gc since last Christmas. Meanwhile, they see the other dc all the time on an ad hoc basis which I agree is normal but that is why it is such a shame that our dc are so low down on their list of priorities.

One year, about 6 years ago, they did have our dc for 2 days in the school summer holidays. We were very grateful as it helped us out but by far the best bit about it was the lovely time my dc had, they still talk about it fondly now.

DH offered to rent a big cottage out for us, pil and sils and cousins(who we love and have no resentment for) for a big wedding anniversary for pil, sil and cousins were up for it and we have been away with them and had a lovely time but pil weren’t interested.

You really have no awareness of how different their parenting style was, their expectation of my Mum to take him to expensive places without any financial contribution, or without any behavioural boundaries.

The difference is that I valued my Mum's time and experience and her contribution to my children's lives. They just saw her as a convenience on their own terms.

From what I read the ops DH hasn’t talked to his parents. I don’t think the op has even set out how much childcare they actually want.

@Lopkyv I agree and am actually very fond of my mil who makes much more effort. My fil is more of the root of the issue. Deep down he has some misguided idea he is essential to sil family and must be almost the second dad.

That’s not what your post said though, you said your brother was upset that they had no time for his child. Maybe there was truth to that, I can understand why you would be reluctant to see this.

I can see how that would be hurtful. Two hours is a distance but not insurmountable. I'd probably aim to visit once a month with that kind of drive for a day visit. If there was some sort of crisis, more often on a temporary basis.

Totally support them going on holiday whenever and however they want, but not seeing them since Christmas is a bit rough. Unless there are other issues at play, it seems reasonable you're disappointed just by the lack of interest.

How pleasant of you

I get how you are feeling op. We actually had the first grandchild and I’d assumed ils would be hands on dgps and was surprised when they mage little effort to visit (live 40 min away) when ds was tiny. They both worked full time so no childcare support available which was fine we paid for nursery.
then sil had her child and suddenly they had the time and capacity to be full on dgps, both dropped a day at work to help sil and bil with childcare. Many offers of overnights. I remember fil once moaning about all this childcare they do. I pointed out they hadn’t had ds for two months. Sil and bil have more money than us so it’s not financial, the only real difference in their favour is they live twenty minutes away from Pil. But I suspect that isn’t a factor.
The thing is you have to let it go if you continue to let it eat at you it will make you and dh miserable and no body wins . I’ve made my peace with it it’s the only way.

Ime this tends to be when the first set of grandkids arrive. The grandparents eagerly offer to help with childcare but don't think about how much they might manage if more children arrive later on.

Also people age. My kids were the first grandkids. Dbil chose to have kids 10 years later and honestly, the impact is huge, the grandparents have far more health issues and way less energy and it shows.

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally

Maybe if there were enough days in a week they might have one to themselves now and again 🙄