To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I know it's difficult but if they already have a routine, surely it's hard to change that arrangement, at that age I wouldn't want to take on twice the amount of childcare, so would mean reducing childcard of existing children.

Personally think it's unfair to burden grandparents with kids on regular basis.

I had the same. MIL looked after SIL's DD full time so SIL could go back to work. I had no support (my mum wasn't interested) and had to muddle through. Yes, it was unfair but I just had to accept it. I love my MIL anyway and I guess she thought my mum would step up but she never did.

id say it’s not about favourites or fairness but they are tied in to help their DD and need the other days to rest/ recover. Expecting them to do their normal days with other GC and then extra childcare seems a lot- especially if they are older etc…

But if they help SIL, I think it's a fair expectation they would offer to help OPs family too. If they weren't helping SIL then fair enough, and of course no one is entitled to childcare. But giving childcare to one and not the other, when there are seemingly no differences in the care being asked for, is unfair. I don't ask for my parents help because I don't feel I need it, but they help my sister a lot with her kids. We are both married with similar incomes etc, and there are no differences in the age or SEN status of our kids. That's fine because the help was offered to us both. But if they'd said they weren't helping me when they were helping my sister I'd have been quite upset because that's obviously unfair if there's no reason other than favouritism.

DP has 4 siblings. I can’t begin to imagine how his parents would manage to treat all 5 of their offspring equally with regard to childcare. What if all of them had had 5 children each? The grandparents could set up a bloody limited company with that number of children to look after. Choices have to be made. It’s not always ‘fair’. That’s life.

I provide regular (2 days a week) childcare for my son's DC. Whilst I get on well with DIL and we have a group WhatsApp regarding DGC; the asking and negotiation is invariably through my DS. I currently don't have other grandchildren, but if I did I would offer equal care if practical.
Just a thought, would your MIL see much of her daughter's children if she didn't provide childcare? As you live very near your inlaws are bound to have a close relationship with your DC, regardless of whether they do regular childcare. This is the main reason I'm happy to do regular childcare, so I have a very close relationship with my DGC.

OP, just to give you another perspective on the issue. I had much more support from my mum than my brother did with DC. My mum tried to help there too but it is fair to say she always was available to care for my DC whereas with my brother’s it was upon request given in advance. She told me once that with my DC it is easier as she just does what she thinks she needs to and if I put some rules she disagrees with she will either argue with me or just not follow them to the tee. With DIL she didn’t feel she can do the same so she always followed rules DIL put on and found it stressful. And just to be clear when I say rules, I mean what food for DC to eat, what clothes to wear, how she will get DC to activity etc. I never knew what she decided to feed DC, never packed clothes for them - she just took some from my wardrobe and left them at hers, never asked if she took a taxi or bus to activity (she doesn’t drive). I argued about bedtime, and she argued back then assured me she follows it but I knew DC always went to bed later at hers. My SIL was much more organised - she packed clothes according to weather of the day, she prepared some meals etc. I am sure she was trying to make it easier for mum but mum found it stressful and felt like she can’t make any decisions. So sometimes it is easier with daughters than DIL in that respect.

My SIL had her first child fairly young and she was just not that interested in parenting, so my MIL has pretty much raised the child. SIL ended up having two more and poor MIL has them virtually 24/7 now. I have another SIL who is similar but only had one child, and he just gets added to the mix so MIL has 4 kids to look after. I think it started out as a nice arrangement but she is definitely knackered and it's certainly expected of her now.

We had our DC after SIL had her first, so things weren't that full on for MIL yet, but I never expected any help because it didn't occur to me. I don't know if it's because I'm not originally from the UK, but where I'm from people have cheap/free childcare in nurseries etc., and grandparents don't tend to help anyway so I never imagined MIL or PIL to look after mine. It would have been nice to sometimes get a little help, but we have managed ok. I do sometimes feel bad because MIL and PIL are too busy to see our DC so they haven't got a proper relationship, but there's not much I can do.

Not sure if SILs are very close to MIL, but they must be if they see each other most days, so perhaps daughters are closer and mums generally prefer to look after their daughters' children? My mum loves hanging out with my DC (doesn't get to do that very often due to distance), but she is also very close to my brother's children, so I guess it just depends on the person.

It really depends on context. My experience is grandparents prioritise the child who needs support most.

I'm an unexpectedly single parent with a young child and a job which isn't available part time and no support from anyone apart from my parents. I rely on them to be able to work and support my child (sometimes I have to travel or go to meetings elsewhere). If they weren't able to, we'd struggle to get by, I'd probably have to give up my job realistically. My brother had children first but they chose to live near his wife's parents 4 hours away. My mum was upset about that but that was their choice. Actually it's turned out her mum can't really help as much as they hoped and sometimes my mum has gone to theirs to help, and truth be told that's been really inconvenient for me and it's meant I've had to take time off to cover it on my end, but it's her choice.

I'm trying to work around relying on my parents by putting my child in nursery more from next term and my long term plan is to have a live in au pair. At the end of the day you never know what's going to happen and grandparents deserve some downtime/to enjoy retirement too and no one can obligate anyone to everything.

I'm not sure it is fair to expect them to help, but think it's fine to discuss.

How would it work in practice though? Would you expect the other family to reduce their already arranged childcare and find something else so they could look after your kids part of the time, or double the workload on grandparents?

Personally I think it just adds to much pressure on the grandparents to day yes. If they can help a little I think it's fine, but people shouldn't be having children if they can't look after them.

A good friend once said she'd seen my mil and sil in the supermarket, adding, "I nearly tripped over the umbilical cord!"

There's always a more favoured child. MIL once didn't turn up without letting us know to dd1's end of year show because "I had to go to go to Bluewater with because she needed to change some slippers that were the wrong size." I kid you not. It made me realise my kids were not even in the pecking order!

We're now NC. Not because of this but because of far far worse things. We're happy and just get on with it. But at 61 with dh 65 we're knackered and both working. DCs have no babies yet, but know we'll do weekends and emergencies but never regular childcare.

The answer to your question is no you shouldn’t expect the same level of support because you shouldn’t expect anything of grandparents. They are not responsible for bringing up your children. You are being totally unreasonable to expect them to change the arrangements they already have with their grandchildren to accommodate you. And your reluctance to tell us the ages of the children makes me think you already know it is relevant.
I have looked after my daughter’s children for ten years but explained to my DIL that I couldn’t start all over again with a young child when my son’s son was born even though I would have loved to see more of my youngest grandchild. I am ten years older than I was and my health wouldn’t stand up to the rigours of looking after a toddler for anything other than short visits. Fortunately my DIL understood.

Yes, I personally think they should reduce the support to one if their other child also needs help, otherwise it's a weird first come first served set up. I wouldn't expect them to double their workload but if they're saying they're happy to do X amount of childcare to support their adult children, it seems bizarre to me that one person could monopolise all that support purely because they had their kids first. If circumstances are different (such as one is a single parent with no support network, or has a much lower income, or the grandparents are now significantly older etc) then I think that's fine, but in a situation where both adult children have very similar circumstances it seems unfair to give one lots of support and none to the other.

But when they offer support for the first GC, are they supposed to factor in the possibility that there will be other GC in future? How would that work? 'I'll look after GC1 for 5 hours a week because there might be 3 more GC and can only give up 20 hours of my time every week'? No - when the first GC needs looking after, they'll offer what they can. They don't know how exhausting that might be. And when the next is born, they are older, wiser and already committed. It might seem unfair but nobody should expect support.

What about your parents @Notyourproblem I don't see them get a mention at all?! They are the grandparents too, yes? 🤔

Honestly, I think that your DH is the problem here. He raised your expectations of help and support for your children from his parents to make moving next door to your in-laws sound more attractive. Now that you are there, he hasn't actually asked his parents for any childcare for your children. I wonder whether he ever intended to do this.

You are now in the unenviable position of having no childcare from your PIL, but by living next door, their obvious preference for their daughter's children and the amount of help they give her are totally in your face and you can't avoid seeing it.

Also, based on your proximity to your in-laws, it is likely that the expectations of help and support for your PILs as they grow older will be on your DH and you, because you live next door. I would certainly push back on that expectation if I were you.

You lose a lot of credibility when you suggest people will only disagree with you because they are biased in an obvious way. It's silly.

I am the oldest daughter of a large family, none of us get much help because our dad is not well and our mum is still working extremely hard. My mum has babysat my nieces and nephews now and then, mine never. It just never worked out that way. The love for all of them is there and equal, what else really matters?

I think a GP's time is not like money or gifts. There's no right to equal treatment. They have a finite amount of life and it looks like they are at capacity with providing care for SIL. Maybe they went all in when hers arrived not knowing how many grandkids they'd have? Maybe they enjoy interacting with their daughter more in the way childcare makes happen at drop-offs etc? You'll drive yourself mad wondering why you haven't got what others have got.

No, YANBU - I definitely think this is a ‘thing’ and have had a similar experience. My DH has three sisters and his parents provide waaaaay more childcare to my SILs than they did for us. When one had her second they basically moved in with her for a few weeks, and the other is on three DC now and GP’s have both semi retired now to provide several days a week childcare for them. The talk of semi retirement started when I had my DS (I was the first) - I remember asking them if they might provide one day a week childcare between them and it was a flat no.
It has stung a bit, as I have no family support myself and it has highlighted the difference between the ‘real’ daughters and me. If things were different I might have been more keen to have a second myself - and their support has enabled my BIL to set up a hobby business and leave his job while I’m beavering away in a ‘safe’ but pretty soul destroying career while my DS is little. It took me a little while not to feel some resentment.
But at the end of the day I’m more independent, we have moved area and have no regrets about that. They do often have DS in the school holidays (though they have said having him there makes it’s easier to care for the little ones) - and I am grateful for the experiences DS has with his cousins/GPs at those times.

Jeez I missed that you moved next door though, that must make it a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, just make sure that when they get older and ill you split THAT work fairly too, don't get roped into it all just because you're right there.

Living next door it does seem like they could make a bit more effort. Could you start asking them for more casual help, like I need to pop to the shops for half an hour could you watch DC, and see what happens? That kind of ad hoc cover can be so useful.

yes, you should do that. Do people not have open discussions with their family? If you offer to one you need to find a way to be equal to your other children. It doesn’t need to be the same though as it isn’t always practical. If I give regular childcare to one child to save them childcare costs but can’t for the other I shall be paying to towards the other’s nursery fees to make it equitable. I will absolutely be factoring this in at the start

On my side things have been as equal as they can be. Difference in the age of the children and fitness of grandparents.

ILs clear preference for the SILs kids. Despite the kids all being similar ages and circumstances being similar.
I try not to let it get me down but they'll reap what they sow.

I think the problem is that you are seeing it all from your point of view.

If you think of it from the gp's point of view, gc came along. They helped with them when they were little, which was tough but means they now have a great relationship with them and caring for them is fun and easy. They want to nurture that existing relationship. They don't want to have to put it on the back burner and miss out on them as they grow older because more babies came along.

Sure, more babies are nice, but they've been there done that with the hands on care, and now want to get to enjoy the older children. So they're happy to see then new babies as and when, but don't want to miss out on the older gc to set up fixed childcare days.

Are her kids nicer or easier than yours? And what is the girl/boy split?

If the OP's PILs point of view is that they have done loads of childcare for their daughter's children when they were young and they now want to enjoy the older children and to nurture those relationships which means that they don't really have any time to be bothered with their son's children, it is pretty unreasonable to expect OP to be happy with that situation.

If I were OP, I would want to move away from living next door to her PILs, where the inequality of treatment of the two sets of grandchildren is so stark and hurtful because she is witnessing this every day.

And idc they can expect less help from their son and you .... which will be interesting since you live nearer to them than their daughter.