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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

760 replies

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 17:33

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

OP posts:
Booksandsea · 05/08/2025 06:26

My brother and his wife get huge amounts of childcare from my parents, and huge amounts of money. I get nothing. My mum has his 5 kids most days at some point so the wife can work or mostly go out with friends. My parents brought them a house; and brought her a workshop and machinery for her business; which is actually really successful and she’s awesome for that. Meanwhile I can’t afford groceries

ResidentPorker · 05/08/2025 06:29

Notyourproblem · 04/08/2025 22:37

I definitely didn't expect to be trending on MN. And by no means expected to be called names for having expectations of equal treatment.

Oh wait. I am not allowed to use the E word.

This is so bratty.

Scentedjasmin · 05/08/2025 06:35

Absolutely not unfair at all. Circumstances will always differ in terms of timing, relationships, financial backgrounds etc. Childcare should not be expected. For grandparents to have to distribute their time equally could put them under too great a burden.

Purpleturtle45 · 05/08/2025 06:48

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 05:38

yes, you should do that. Do people not have open discussions with their family? If you offer to one you need to find a way to be equal to your other children. It doesn’t need to be the same though as it isn’t always practical. If I give regular childcare to one child to save them childcare costs but can’t for the other I shall be paying to towards the other’s nursery fees to make it equitable. I will absolutely be factoring this in at the start

Show quote history

Yep, that's what I will be doing as well. If I can't offer it all I won't offer it to one, or I will say I will do it until circumstances change and then we will need to revisit to make it fair. But I feel the next generation of grandparents will be working so late that childcare won't be an option anyway.

AguNwaanyi · 05/08/2025 06:50

Lemniscate8 · 04/08/2025 17:57

you are not entitled to feel resentful, and they are entitled to push back as much as they like - it sounds from your post though, that they do in fact offer childcare to your children. Is that right? How much? And how much more do you ask for that they "push back" about? I think you probably need to be grateful for any support you get - They don't have to give you any, and it sounds like they have prior commitments so I expect they are very busy. How old are all the children?

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What do you mean not entitled to feel resentful? That’s not how resentment works!

Zezet · 05/08/2025 06:51

Waw, that was a very bratty reply about equality indeed.

The fact that this is a discussion about DIL, SIL and MIL says it all. She would not be helping her son. She would be helping you.

Now YOU can say that that is inequality, but it's not like you have set the stage for equality or for requesting DF or DFIL to help.

I would give equal help to my own kids to the extent that they are doing equal amounts of caring for their own children.

Helping a different woman who expects it from me for my gender while pulling the equality card would not go down well at all.

Zezet · 05/08/2025 06:54

mikulkin · 05/08/2025 00:04

OP, just to give you another perspective on the issue. I had much more support from my mum than my brother did with DC. My mum tried to help there too but it is fair to say she always was available to care for my DC whereas with my brother’s it was upon request given in advance. She told me once that with my DC it is easier as she just does what she thinks she needs to and if I put some rules she disagrees with she will either argue with me or just not follow them to the tee. With DIL she didn’t feel she can do the same so she always followed rules DIL put on and found it stressful. And just to be clear when I say rules, I mean what food for DC to eat, what clothes to wear, how she will get DC to activity etc. I never knew what she decided to feed DC, never packed clothes for them - she just took some from my wardrobe and left them at hers, never asked if she took a taxi or bus to activity (she doesn’t drive). I argued about bedtime, and she argued back then assured me she follows it but I knew DC always went to bed later at hers. My SIL was much more organised - she packed clothes according to weather of the day, she prepared some meals etc. I am sure she was trying to make it easier for mum but mum found it stressful and felt like she can’t make any decisions. So sometimes it is easier with daughters than DIL in that respect.

My mum feels the same way about my kids versus my brother's kids.

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 06:56

Zezet · 05/08/2025 06:51

Waw, that was a very bratty reply about equality indeed.

The fact that this is a discussion about DIL, SIL and MIL says it all. She would not be helping her son. She would be helping you.

Now YOU can say that that is inequality, but it's not like you have set the stage for equality or for requesting DF or DFIL to help.

I would give equal help to my own kids to the extent that they are doing equal amounts of caring for their own children.

Helping a different woman who expects it from me for my gender while pulling the equality card would not go down well at all.

Edited

wow. And they wonder why families fall out with their in-laws with attitudes like this.

Zezet · 05/08/2025 06:57

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 06:56

wow. And they wonder why families fall out with their in-laws with attitudes like this.

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None of our family, or that of my husband, have a history of fallings out though! And plenty of intergenerational childcare.

But none of that expecting the women to care because the men promised.

diterictur · 05/08/2025 07:00

I think, yes, quite often parents do favour their daughters over their sons. I see it quite often.

And if you favour your daughter consistently and put more into the relationship, they are then closer to you which gives you an excuse to continue that to the next generation.

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 07:03

Zezet · 05/08/2025 06:57

None of our family, or that of my husband, have a history of fallings out though! And plenty of intergenerational childcare.

But none of that expecting the women to care because the men promised.

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well personally I absolutely will treat my children equally. If I have helped one, I help the other the same. My son knows this so wouldn’t be weird for him to have that expectation of me if I have helped his sister. But then I will certainly be having this discussion with them upfront at the point when my first grandchild is born so we set expectations then.

Marylou62 · 05/08/2025 07:06

JudgeJ · 04/08/2025 20:27

I also hope that you are treated equally as a grand-parent, all too often the MN mantra is that the paternal grandparents are second class citizens.

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I hope so too..
But only yesterday my DD and I were talking about this.
Her DPIL mentioned to her DP (who told her) that they don't feel 'as close' to the DGC. And that she's always with me! No s**t Sherlock! She's my DD.. we've always spent time together, I'm helping her because I did it without family help and it was hard..(wonderful parents just 250miles away and still working full time).
I've dropped everything and been there asap when she's needed me..
OTOH.. MIL was invited over to help set up the new nursery. I took over cake and made it a beautiful afternoon.. filling drawers with tiny socks and babygros..
She chose to shampoo her carpet..
So in my DDs case she's tried lots of times and now doesn't bother much. They still see the DGC on a regular basis.. just not as much..

CuddlyPuppies · 05/08/2025 07:08

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 07:03

well personally I absolutely will treat my children equally. If I have helped one, I help the other the same. My son knows this so wouldn’t be weird for him to have that expectation of me if I have helped his sister. But then I will certainly be having this discussion with them upfront at the point when my first grandchild is born so we set expectations then.

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You can't be sure you'll have the capacity to do that. If they have children 8 years apart, for example. A lot can change in that time and you may not have the same capacity to help for a range of reasons out of your control.

Starryeyed543 · 05/08/2025 07:12

I have a similar situation but it's not the free childcare side of things that really gets to me its more the fact that my dc doesnt understand why their cousins get to stay at granny's 3 days&nights a week and they barely get 1 day (never night) every couple of months which is the bit I find sad tbh

CountryCob · 05/08/2025 07:14

The last 2 posters are correct I think. Not childcare related but by not being there for us really in terms of support - cutting us dead immediatly in covid but not the others, not visiting when baby in hospital fussing round the other etc - child doesn't know about that as I have some discretion. Special holidays for one set of grandchildren, lots of shared things and ours and afterthought. Our grandchild has not even left primary school and their relationship is irretrievably damaged. I used to love them now I am not sure. We are still civil and friends, we host holidays, both me and my partner tried to discuss and fix it but didn't work. Now the damage is done in only a few years.

AguNwaanyi · 05/08/2025 07:14

OP it sounds like your husband set caters expectations around what his parents could do for childcare that aren’t being met. Not sure why your own parents aren’t in the picture but I imagine seeing your SIL and her mum’s relationship might also be triggering.

It’s not unreasonable imo to expect your husband’s parents to want to help out with childcare, although what this looks like will vary on the circumstances. The issue is that
prioritising daughter/son/dil/sil almost always leads to having favourites among grandchildren, which they start to notice, and many GP don’t seem to account for. It may not be possible to babysit equally but gifts, phone calls, social visits, holidays, should be more balanced.

OP it doesn’t sound like this situation is going to change so you need to speak to your husband about what can be done to give you the support structure you need. Are you better of moving to be nearer to other family and friends? Can you both start to build your own tribe? Is a regular babysitter affordable?

Bryonyberries · 05/08/2025 07:14

I have four children, no grandchildren yet. I’m still working so there will be a limit to how much time I can offer to have any grandchildren so I will do a blanket ‘no’ to regular care and just do ad hoc care for everyone.

In reality, the child that lives nearest and has most to do with me will likely get the lion share of help.

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 07:14

CuddlyPuppies · 05/08/2025 07:08

You can't be sure you'll have the capacity to do that. If they have children 8 years apart, for example. A lot can change in that time and you may not have the same capacity to help for a range of reasons out of your control.

Show quote history

I know but I have said, if I give regular childcare to one of my children for say, 2 children and I am not able to do for the other then I will contribute to nursery fees for 2 children. That way it is as fair as I can make it. It isn’t always perfect but I certainly won’t be helping one and then turning around and saying of well, bad luck I can’t help anymore.

there was once a person on mumsnet I think who said her mum was so scrupulously equal than anytime her mum did something for her sister’s children she would transfer a bit of cash to her to ensure equality because she lived further away so her mum wasn’t able to help her as much. She always thought it was sweet but unnecessary but her mum absolutely wanted her to know she loved both her kids equally. I want to be like that!

FrankyGoesToBollywood · 05/08/2025 07:15

I feel like the maternal grandparents end up doing more for grandchildren generally as the mums usually arrange childcare and tend to want their own mothers to do it

CarlaLemarchant · 05/08/2025 07:15

Charmatt · 04/08/2025 23:03

It's not always as straightforward as people think.

My brother has always sniped at the amount of childcare I was given by my Mum. My son was the first grandchild and I 'paid' my Mum to look after him - not the going rate by any stretch of the imagination, but I contributed to her outgoings so she wasn't always out of pocket. My son and I got far more out of it than any monetary contribution, but I felt it was important that my Mum could make choices with some financial support.

My brother always commented that she had no spare time for his son but there were lots of reasons why my Mum would have found it difficult to look after both of them - their parenting style was very different to my Mum's and mine, they wanted to send him to different pre-schools and schools so logistically it was difficult and he never considered contributing financially which would have curbed the options my Mum had to take them out, etc.

By the time my daughter came along, my son and my nephew were both at school so my Mum looked after her for me too, under the same arrangement.

You really have no awareness of this from your brothers perspective? The impact on the grandparent relationship with your kids over his?

CountryCob · 05/08/2025 07:16

Also none of the age arguments apply to us as our child is in the middle age wise. And sil was the golden child over my partner. There is no way I am caring for them in old age which was a possibility before they did that to my child

Aprilrainagainagain · 05/08/2025 07:16

Families aren’t businesses. I am horrified at the prospect of my children demanding childcare from me in the future. I’m hoping none of them have kids. You’ve highlighted all of my concerns.

ohyesherewego · 05/08/2025 07:17

I can imagine my SIL writing a similar post to yours. However circumstances may be very different to yours.

my SIL is a very jealous person. My parents do so much for her but it is never good enough. My SIL has much more money than me and has much more time off than me (only works 2 days a week) but always criticize my parents for not doing enough and not doing any support good enough to her standards.

IHadaMarvelousTimeRuiningEverything · 05/08/2025 07:20

Drfosters · 05/08/2025 07:14

I know but I have said, if I give regular childcare to one of my children for say, 2 children and I am not able to do for the other then I will contribute to nursery fees for 2 children. That way it is as fair as I can make it. It isn’t always perfect but I certainly won’t be helping one and then turning around and saying of well, bad luck I can’t help anymore.

there was once a person on mumsnet I think who said her mum was so scrupulously equal than anytime her mum did something for her sister’s children she would transfer a bit of cash to her to ensure equality because she lived further away so her mum wasn’t able to help her as much. She always thought it was sweet but unnecessary but her mum absolutely wanted her to know she loved both her kids equally. I want to be like that!

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Yes! My mum is like this, I'm one of 5 siblings and my mum has always been equal with her time and resources, down to giving us a few quid if our birthday or Christmas presents don't hit the £30 budget😂.

My inlaws on the other hand quite happily spend hundreds on one child and nothing on the other- and their family is full of bitterness and resentment.

Tippertapperfeet · 05/08/2025 07:20

ArabiattaPrawn · 05/08/2025 04:00

Yes, I personally think they should reduce the support to one if their other child also needs help, otherwise it's a weird first come first served set up. I wouldn't expect them to double their workload but if they're saying they're happy to do X amount of childcare to support their adult children, it seems bizarre to me that one person could monopolise all that support purely because they had their kids first. If circumstances are different (such as one is a single parent with no support network, or has a much lower income, or the grandparents are now significantly older etc) then I think that's fine, but in a situation where both adult children have very similar circumstances it seems unfair to give one lots of support and none to the other.

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How would that work for people like us?

My kids are in their 20s and late thirties/early 40s. My partner’s daughter is in her teens. Potentially she might not have a child for almost 30 years.

We (me and my partner) do days out, we have done a weekend or two to let my son and his wife go to weddings and we did a week when they hadn’t enough leave. My partner is early retired, he’s 64.

Potentially he could be in his 90s by the time his daughter has kids. Or at least in his 80s.

By your logic, we should refuse to do anything for my kids because we are unlikely to be able to do it for his daughter? I don’t think that’s fair.