To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s unfair.

Regardless of who does the “asking”, this is something your PILs would be doing for their son’s family, and the idea of “first come first served” is a poor excuse.

No one would think it was acceptable that first born children continued to get the majority of their parent’s time and attention when their sibling came along - everyone is expected to adapt so that the children can be raised relatively equally. Similarly, if parents had been buying their young child extravagant gifts but couldn’t afford to do so for two children when the second came along, no one would think it was reasonable to keep buying the oldest massive gifts while buying plastic tat for the younger one. The consequences and hurt that come with favouritism from a parent don’t just stop when you reach adulthood, and arguably would be magnified if you see it affecting your own children.

It’s really sad that it works out that way - that the GCs that get the childcare also get the close relationship. It would make me so aware about fairness and giving equal time to all GC (if I’m lucky enough to have any in the future).

i can empathise with you, OP. I’m in the same
boat, and I had the first GC. MIL favoured her daughter’s kids. My kids now have no meaningful relationship with their grandma apart from the meet-ups initiated by me. I was devastated about it because my own mother was not on the scene, like in your case. So I felt my kids had missed out on any grandparental relationship. I never even asked for childcare, just some interest in being with them.

I'd make peace with it.
Fuck them.
Think about moving house for a fresh start. I often poked DM when she was chatting to SIL, talking about her daughters children, or comparing them, including mine.

MIL is the same with one DGC, he is her DD child. It doesn't bother me, I live far away, I have a close family.here.

I understand why it hurts you, living so close to it.

I'm not sure when this expectation of grandparents started, when I had my children I was very lucky my mum was able to have my daughter 2 mornings a week so I was able to keep my job she was happy to do this, had she not I would have put my daughter to a child minder. When I had my son I changed jobs to fit around my children and didn't expect my parents to take on the child care for the children that I decided to have. I am now a grandparent who works 5 days a week and I don't provide childcare although I love my grandson and love seeing him I don't feel that any free time I have should be spent providing childcare. I feel that this generation can be very entitled - grandparents are entitled not to provide childcare You chose to have a child so you look after them.

You are right, it's unfair. Sadly lots of people go on about MIL/DIL, despite calling themselves feminists. Some of them are more negative than Les Dawson's 70s jokes!
There are some mums who insist on only their own mum being invited to meet the baby soon after the birth, and scream at their husband that he's not the one who's given birth if he asks that his parents can visit. There are some who make photos/take their own mum out with the baby while their husband is at work, and don't give their MIL a chance to be involved-I know, because I was with another mum I knew when we took our kids out and she said she refused to get anything for her MIL cos it was "wife-work", and was shirty when I pointed out that her husband couldn't do it because he worked. Fair enough that they agree who works, if they can afford it, but I bet her MIL is not the only one missing out.

I'm sure you've not done this, but sadly it seems to be common, so maybe she's pre-emptively, and wrongly, "protecting herself"?
I would invite MIL out and ask, politely, if you've ever done anything to make her feel unwelcome. If she says no, ask her if her son has, and say that in any case, it's not fair on the grandchildren to suffer. Say that you want to value all your family equally, and love and respect her as the one who raised your husband.

If you do that and she doesn't step up, well you can't force her, but at least you know you've done all you can and your conscience is clear.

How about you all sort your own childcare and let the poor grandparents enjoy their retirement!

@Pistachiocake You've described my future fears about DS growing up. I'll thread carefully, test the water.

OP is the opposite. Willing to nurture the relationship, a dream come true for most MIL's. 🥹

I cannot imagine offering support to one of my DC and not giving the other one the same.

It's a great shame for GPs to favour one set of GC over another. It happens frequently, the children always feel it. In my experience, the ones benefitting from childcare and not the ones providing support for elderly parents. They should reap what they sow. All the kindness should be repaid, it probably won't be.

Your SIL and her DH are inconsiderate. It won't change, so sorry this happened.

Surely it depends on individual circumstances.

DS and DIL: No DC yet but DIL is the eldest of two girls who are close to their mother. I have no doubt that DIL's mum will be more involved than me. AcDemic because DS and DIL are moving to another Continent at end of this month.

DD and future SinLaw is the eldest of two boys and I am v close to dd.

I have no intention of providing regular childcare. Helping, yes. Babysitting, yes, emergencies, yes. Having grandchildren on x, y, z days for 10-12 hours, absolutely not.

It sounds like your DH made some promises to you on behalf of his parents without actually asking them if they were OK with him doing that.

Don't resent your ILs because your DH said something stupid.

You implied your SIL has had years of childcare. This means that your MIL and FIL are older now than when they first agreed to help out anyone with childcare. You get to a certain age and then all of sudden, everything is much more exhausting. And with your kids being younger, they're objectively going to be harder work.

I get that you feel life is easier for some mums than it is for you, and this feels like one big injustice. But you're directing your anger at the wrong person. DH shouldn't have made you those promises, especially if they were to manipulate you into moving and/or having his children.

My goodness you sound very entitled. And if your DH doesn’t ask for help, why should they mind-read?

You sound a bit like a child who eyes her sibling’s piece of cake and complains because she got more icing. You sound very transactional: they don’t offer childcare so you resent them.

Your in-laws will lose out in the end in that they won’t be so close to some of their grandchildren. But that is not for you to determine. It’s their choice.

My parents are mid 70s. They were fit to look after my older 2 when they were babies but I had to use full time nursery for my youngest as they just weren't up to looking after a baby or toddler by then. They look after them all after school now that they're older. They dont provide the same level of childcare for my brothers baby as they did for my older 2. If your kids are a few years younger, its possible that they just dont feel up to looking after them.

It could just be that they committed to helping SIL a certain amount and now they feel obliged and don’t want to offend her by refusing hours, but also don’t have the energy for any more time spent caring for GC. Also possibly the children’s age differences as younger kids tend to be more effort.

Or it could just be favouritism or old-fashioned mindset (thinking that childcare is mainly the woman’s role so helping their daughter, but assuming it’s mainly your role not their sons)

It's not always as straightforward as people think.

My brother has always sniped at the amount of childcare I was given by my Mum. My son was the first grandchild and I 'paid' my Mum to look after him - not the going rate by any stretch of the imagination, but I contributed to her outgoings so she wasn't always out of pocket. My son and I got far more out of it than any monetary contribution, but I felt it was important that my Mum could make choices with some financial support.

My brother always commented that she had no spare time for his son but there were lots of reasons why my Mum would have found it difficult to look after both of them - their parenting style was very different to my Mum's and mine, they wanted to send him to different pre-schools and schools so logistically it was difficult and he never considered contributing financially which would have curbed the options my Mum had to take them out, etc.

By the time my daughter came along, my son and my nephew were both at school so my Mum looked after her for me too, under the same arrangement.

Just be grateful it’s your MIL and not your own mother. Mine was all over my brothers kids, and my cousins before him. When it came to mine she decided it would be a great time to move hundreds of miles away when I was pregnant with my first. She and my dad are shit grandparents and I will never forgive them for their treatment of us

But your consistent use of the word “expect” is the problem, and presumably it reflects how you feel about the situation. You are unreasonable to expect any childcare. Engagement with your DC, spending time with you all as a family — those are reasonable expectations of family. But full on childcare?

Expecting that is always unreasonable.

This thread has been enlightening.

What every Mumsnetter approaching grandparenting age should take from this, is that if you have more then one child, don't ever offer childcare. Because whatever you offer when healthy and energetic enough to do it, you will have to continue offering when you're a fair bit older, achier and knackered. Because if you don't, you're (apparently) being really unfair.

Oh, and forget having a life of your own, holidays, or spontaneity. Because by the time you've done childcare for ALL your grandkids (especially if there's an even averagely wide age range between them), you'll be too old.

But that sounds like what the grandparents are actually doing yet OP is annoyed it's not more. The OP admits her ILs look after the kids sometimes etc, but she wants exactly the same amount of set childcare days as her SIL.

So she moved away from your brother's kids too? It sounds like your brother had children ahead of you and when you had yours, they decided to retire somewhere different. They're allowed to decide that. It's not their fault you had your children on a different timetable to your brother.

... And the post you're replying to is another perfect example of why grandparents shouldn't even start doing childcare for more than one of their kids. You can't have your own life until an the GCs are grown, or the remaining kid/s will never forgive you

I understand why you think this is so unfair op
Do your in-laws really not help you out at all ?
I can imagine you must feel quite resentful that sil gets all the help. Does she not see how unfair it all is ? Probably not because she's the one that's benefitting

Yes, and if they have them years apart, you're not allowed to have got more tired or have gone in other directions. You're at their beck and call forever.

I think some people will feel differently when they are grandparents.

People can be ridiculous, but surely that reaction is not the norm in real life.

I had kids 10 years after my siblings. My dad had passed and my mum was elderly. I certainly wasn't expecting any childcare, even though my DPs used to go help my siblings for long weekends and holidays etc.

"Fairness" doesn't mean treating grandkids the same down to the exact number of childcare hours. It means understanding people's abilities and limits and meeting them where they are, not where you want them to be.

Of course you shouldn't EXPECT grandparents to help, they are your kids, however I think it's acceptable to ask them if they could help.

Perhaps they can't cope with twice the amount of childcare, feel sorry for grandparents if it's more than few days, looking after kids is so hard work, when at an age they should be enjoying retirement.

It's difficult and there are a lot of variables involved. My cousin has 2 daughters (so no MIL/DM conundrum). At one point it looked like neither of them would have children. But then 1 did. It was like the 2nd coming of the christ child. On tap baby sitting, overnights from 3 months, 3 to 4 days full care a week (not a working mother). There is no way this could have been replicated if the other daughter had had a child near in age without going back a level. What did happen is that my cousin's DD had another child after quite a large gap and expects the same level of support from her DM. But her mother is now a widow, on her own, considerably older (now 78) and the second child is a more 'difficult' one from the 1st. I feel sorry for my cousin but the attitude is very much you did it for the first why not the second.......