To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

This OP could have been me writing this over 10 years ago.

I hear you OP! I am married to the brother. Own parents not in picture. Massive divide in childcare from the grandparents.

feel free to drop me a message if you would like a chat!

Honestly not saying this to score points but why can't time spent with grandchildren be evaluated when there are more to consider? It from the outside does feel a bit mean. I have never asked for any meaningful childcare and its just a way of spending time together or giving me a little break. I do think there are long term relationship consequences to prioritising one set of children. Maybe downscale both if it is a bit much?

XH and I had 2 kids first. No offer of any childcare, but ILs were working full time. We asked for the odd weekend overnight about twice a year. ILs made little attempt to initiate contact, it was on us to be proactive and see them.

When my kids were 4/2, SIL had a baby. MIL dropped 2 days at work to "help out and get to know my grandchild". Not 1 day to each family, but both days to SIL.

SIL household earning more, less stressful jobs, less time intense jobs.

XH always felt loved, but knew his sister was the golden child. He never spoke to MIL about how she made him feel with that decision.

My children have a very very poor relationship with their grandparents now. They last saw them in 2022 when they were teens. My children are ambivalent whenever I mention their names.

XILs taught me an awful lot about how to not parent and grandparent.

You're not wrong to expect parents to allocate fair amounts of time to each of their children OP.

Well, it's big of you to allow them that(!)

To answer your question, the correct amount of support to 'expect' is none. I get what you're saying re the inequality and that's not ideal, but what stands out for me is that you keep using the word 'expect' and failing to acknowledge that they are doing you a favour. You sound breathtakingly entitled and ungrateful.

So did he over promise that living super close to them would mean help from them, but failed to actually have that conversation with his parents?

Because if so, you were clearly manipulated by your husband and have every reason to be a bit irritated.

Did he say whatever was required to get you to move close by?

That's interesting, I can only assume you are the GP who provides unequal support, or are you just speaking hypothetically?
What is the logic of this commitment being set in stone forever?

I think what you're feeling is the lack of your own parents OP. Normally you would turn to your own mother for the support that the PIL are giving their daughter and for whatever reason you can't. The unfairness is not that they don't provide equal childcare for you and your SIL, but that you don't have your own parents to call on.

It's sad, but you can't really expect the PIL to fill that gap. They don't owe you what your own parents don't provide and it's not fair to expect it of them.

I completely agree @Globules. The crazy thing with our version of this is my PIL do love my child, me and my husband. I don't think they realise at all how upsetting their treatment of us has been. I swear the feeling I had towards them quietly died when they didn't visit my baby in hospital for days but fussed around an older well grandchild, genuinely couldn't believe it. You reap what you sow and the grandparents on here talking about entitled behaviour and they can do what suits them are delusional.

PIL made it crystal clear to all their sons that they were happy to babysit and help out but were absolutely not willing to provide regular childcare for work. They didn’t agree with working Mums. It annoyed all us DILs as none of us had plans to ask them anyway.
SIL was the last to have DC and funnily enough they changed their tune because it’s ‘different for SIL’. They actually said to my eldest they were more excited to be grandparents for SIL’s children because she was their daughter. This amongst other things really changed what was previously a good relationship with PIL.
Things are changing a bit now SIL’s DC are a bit older but it still rankles.

On the flip side with adult DC I’m terrified about becoming a grandparent and being asked to provide childcare!

No one owes you free childcare. period.

The question is why do people have kids and expect others to look after them?

I don’t think you can expect the same, especially if your kids were born later. My DP helped my SIL and DB all the time, with babysitting, child taxiing, much more ££ spent, etc. by the time mine came along, they weren’t all that interested, as the older cousins were more interesting, etc. It was all completely unfair. SIL also had her own parents locally.
You can let yourself get upset that you don’t get the same level of support, but it’ll just poison your relationships with your DP or PIL. Better to work through the sadness / resentment and then accept that they give what they give, and appreciate whatever that is, for your own happiness.

Moral of the story really is not to let grandparents over promise to any child (although obviously it is their choice to do so). If they have more than one grandchild I really think they should be treated equally. I couldn’t imagine looking after one DCs offspring and refusing to offer the same to the other, although it does depend on the age gap between each set of babies to be fair. What I could do at 60 I wouldn’t be able to offer at 70.

So children can keep on having children with no thought to childcare and expect grandparents to fit throt lives around what their children have decided for them?

You can love your grandchildren without having to provide childcare.

True. But if you spend a lot more time and effort on one set of grandchildren that is questionable at best.

My point was the favour is for their child not the grandchild. You may feel as OP does that the parenting should encompass spouses not just the grandparents children but I disagree. I particularly disagree because their child doesn’t ask and doesn’t want to.

I'm sure MIL feels pulled away from your DC by SIL.
I'd be proud of your independence, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with MIL without leaning on her, as much as her help would be nice.
Is your child in nursery or at home?
Have a heart to heart with MIL. Make her aware that you feel let down.

My brother had kids 13 & 9 years ago, my son is only 1. When I was pregnant my mum did say to me that it was so different this time round because it’s her daughter’s baby. She doesn’t love any one any more than the other & does a hell of a lot for both of us. But I think there is just maybe some sort of maternal thing that flows down with it being your daughter.

from my point of view I will always go to my mum first for anything before asking my mil’s, I have a mil and then step mil, I love them all and get on great but I feel better hassling my mum than I do anyone else unless I have to, so that might come into it a bit maybe.

In my experience, yes, commitments to the "favoured" set of GCs were set in stone, while any commitments to the other set could be changed on a whim.
Entirely for the GPs to choose of course, and they aren't obligated to anyone, but it does have effects on the relationships.

Neither side did childcare for me but I know my MIL would have been more willing than my mother. I just didn't need it and my children were the firstborn grandchildren.

I don't think there's reasonable or unreasonable in this. For me, it would be about what works best for me. If I say I'm available to help with childcare on Monday or Tuesday and child 1 chooses Monday, either you take Tuesday or I have them all on Monday. If you want Thursday, then I might not be available then. So we have an inequality but it's not about choosing one over the other, it's about the two schedules not meshing.

If child 1 had children five years ago and I cared for their baby/toddler and now you have one, my life might have changed so I can no longer offer to do the same for you. Not favourites, just that life is in a different place.

In any case, it sounds like you haven't even asked for help from them. If you don't ask, you don't get to find out if it's possible or not. However, they don't owe you childcare.

We’re both daughters and I had the first two gc and the 5th. I get a lot more childcare for my first two children than my sister has with her two. But she gets a lot of financial support which I don’t. Interestingly they aren’t anywhere near as hands on with my third so I am seeing the preference for the first grandchildren even within one household. It partly coincides with their declining strength and energy.

I think it’s really common/normal for daughter’s kids to get lots of help and sons less so, for many reasons, including the idea ‘kids belong to their mum’, and more empathy for own DD vs judgement of DiL

You must have heard ‘a son is a son til her gets a wife, a daughter’s your daughter the whole of her life’ - it’s natural for the GPs to feel more comfortable in their DDs home & company vs DiL: it’s not right but it’s common/the norm

Are your own parents deceased or unwell? It’s likely your in laws see supporting you as your parents’ role otherwise

Just to add my experience...my sibling had a DC before I did and so they made an arrangement whereby my sibling gets all childcare covered by the two sets of grandparents (the grandparents do half a week each effectively).

That same support wasn't on offer to me from my parents because by the time my DS came along, they had committed to my sibling and they were just that little bit older enough to make them feel already overstretched. My sibling has therefore never paid for childcare, whereas it costs us thousands.

However, there's no part of me that thinks this is favouritism. My parents have always made sure myself and my sibling have the same love and support in every other way, they dote on us both and clearly adore both of their grandchildren beyond words. I know they feel bad that my sibling gets more support than I do but they compensate in other ways, and I guess because I'm so assured in this, I just understand it's the way the cookie crumbled.

I definitely didn't expect to be trending on MN. And by no means expected to be called names for having expectations of equal treatment.

Oh wait. I am not allowed to use the E word.