To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

of course it's reasonable.

But they said no.

I would make alternative arrangements, and they'll be the ones disappointed once kids are older, when they will never have your kids for sleepovers, never get invited to family parties, and are kept well away from the kids life in general, seeing them twice a year.

That's what everyone I know does, when in-laws favour one child, they get the hint and distance themselves a lot. Funny how 10 years later, the grand-parents start complaining, but by that time the kids are not interested .

It's not mean or petty revenge, it's just natural consequences. If people don't want to see you, you listen.

So in your case you are the daughter and get less help than their son ?

My mother helped my sister a lot with childcare and me not at all. Yes I minded then and tbh I still don’t think it was fair. I got on with my life and found other sources of support. My sister had her children earlier (her youngest is same age as my eldest) so the novelty of grandchildren had worn off.

Ironically I now do considerably more to help my mother than my sister does.

it is unfair, but move on from that.

The others don't care, it's you who are suffering and sad about it. It's not worth it.

I assure you they will regret it one day.

If it's any comfort @Notyourproblem I had zero help from the start. In laws much older so less energy with health issues. My mother raised three children and was done mothering.

It is massively unfair but very little you can do. I had similar situation. We were made to feel it was a treat if GP looked after ours on the few occasions we asked and I had to make all sorts of accommodations for it to work We managed without. There were other things. Anyway interestingly years on IL now have health problems and SIL is having to support. DH has specifically said he’s under no obligation to put himself or me out because he had noticed the inequity. What goes round comes round imo.

This is common and short sighted. Obviously the grandchildren who aren't priority feel a bit left out. We have this - special holidays, experiences and gifts to one side. Announcement they were in a covid bubble without a second's hesitation - we were both working with no other help, sil furloughed. Our grandchild at 4 mths was hospitalised for days, pil didn't visit as, no joke, other school age grandchild had a minor injury they mentioned a lot. I will never forget that which was a huge turning point for me, we have never discussed it, actions speak louder than words. They won't acknowledge the double standards at all. We still get on but I don't trust they emotionally and neither does my child who told me that after they organised a massively exciting holiday for the others without mentioning it to us at all despite our going away previously together. We will go to events where they will organise separate accommodation that night or special side tickets without mentioning it and just let us find out, maybe from a grandchild. I would feel rude doing that to an acquaintance. When we seemed upset they seemed to be comfortable making them feel special and wanted. Now I just ignore it and keep them at arms length but friends. They will never acknowledge it or try to be more even and it is their loss as their own relationship they damage with a grandchild. After the hospital thing and covid I know I don't need them and very soon won't be asking for any visiting/ childcare as child is old enough not to need it.

But why isn’t your DH asking them for the level of support that you and he need? What is it that you both need? What is it they’re not delivering for you and him?

its brave and cheeky of your DH to promise on their behalf!

@CyanDreamer if you were already providing childcare it’s not always easy to add in other grandchildren, tell someone you are no longer available to provide childcare when they will have their work sorted around current childcare arrangements. If you need rest days now you can’t then be expected to take on more childcare responsibilities. GPs might not feel able to look after babies anymore. They might feel it is time to actually have some time to themselves. They live next door to OP so they might like to have relaxed time with OP’s DC rather than childcare

Sorry - not meaning to be argumentative, but genuinely, can you tell me what's so awful about the suggestion that OP's MIL could have had a chat with her DD and said something along the lines of 'its been wonderful having your DC three times a week darling, but next year I'd like to help your brother out a bit too, so I will be watching his DC for one of those days. I hope you understand that I love you both and want to help you both as much as I can'.

People find alternative childcare all the time. Presumably OP would have to use paid childcare without family help, so why can't her SIL do the same for one day a week?

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of their personal circumstances but this seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Yes ideally they should provide the same for each, but it's hard to cut down on existing help that is an established routine maybe, in order to provide for the "newer" kids, and not get overwhelmed.
You can't really expect anything, but it is annoying to be treated differently. Sadly one set of GCs often get more than another. Some parents are very grabby of GPs time and make it hard for them to say no. I had far less help than my sibling with childcare, as she was a master manipulator and my mum felt she couldn't say no, then there was nothing left for me/ my kids. If I asked I'd be guilt tripped.
The favouritism massively affected the relationship. But we are much more self sufficient as a result, compared to sibling's family who still have my mum running round after them. So try not to be resentful if you can. It can be good to be less enmeshed with GPs and do your own thing.

Okay. But can you see what I mean about the GP’s getting older? Say they looked after SIL’s DC full time 5 years ago. Now they’re older, can they still offer the same? Is it fair to ask? You say your DH “over promised” - so really your beef is with him rather than it being unfair?

Thank you!

My SIL is married to my brother and there is no way my parents will have their children as much as they see mine.

My SIL is a twat for one so my mum isn’t going to go out of her way to support her, especially as she has her own mum, and my parents are now 8 years older than they were with mine!

You sound as though you’re more pissed off about not getting the same amiunt of childminding from them, rather than the same amount of time/attention

When are grandparents allowed to have their own life?

They are more than childcare you would hope

I get less help than my sister did for her kids (my parents had sister's kids 4/5 days and nights a week until they started school).

From my perspective I didn't expect any help. My parents helped a few days a week with my eldest but will not be doing any childcare for youngest. No falling out, they just have less energy than they used to and I'd rather they do nice things for themselves. Yes it will be expensive for me (I live in central London) but they don't owe me anything.

Your parents being older now is definitely a valid consideration.

But surely this isn't about your SIL? Yes your SIL has her own mother, but is her DH not your mother's son? Wouldn't your mum want to help her own son and treat her children and DGCs equally?

The number of people focusing on the OP's relationship with her MIL is truly baffling. It's nothing to do with in-law relationships. It's about treating your own children equally, and your own grandchildren equally.

Of course they are but they should love their children and their grandchildren equally. It isn’t hard to plan how you plan to be equitable to all your children ahead of time knowing they might not have GC at the same time and knowing you might be less inclined years down the line.

Only my son has had children so far.

should we refuse to mind them cause my partner will be god knows how old before his daughter has kids coz she’s 15 right now and he’s 64?

If I've committed to say, three days a week to one child because there were no other children, then I've committed to three days.

If I can help on the other two then I will but it shouldn't be expected

Mm I think it's often a case of getting in first. I totally can see why someone would mind a toddler for a few while and then not want to add in a new baby on top of same toddler. To be strictly fair you'd need to drop toddler and mind baby for exact same period if you weren't up for minding two smallies at the same time which lots of people aren't especially as they get older or else add on extra days which is hard too.

I think daughter always gets preference. I’ve seen it before with friends and my dsis is currently experiencing this to the point that mil was recently asked to babysit weeks in advance, had put it in her calendar, and mil then called and cancelled on the day because her daughter needed her more

Wouldn't they want to help their son? Have a deep relationship with his children.

We never lived near either Grandmother(both Grandfather's died before grandchildren were born) so never expected childcare from Grandmothers. Yet, they were involved with our children even though they lived hundreds of miles away.

I would hate to think that I would favour relationship with any Grandchild over another.
I helped both Mothers as they got older. Making sure my brother who lived nearer to my Mum got a break.I helped my MIL as much as possible as her daughter lived overseas.
We made sure we visited both of them as much as possible( they lived 200 miles apart).