To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I do sympathise @Notyourproblem
my SIL just got 3 weeks childcare, I’m waiting for an offer of even half a day! SIL has three kids and is the golden child. DS was the second grandchild of four.

I hate to say the cliche but you have a DH problem. You need to step back and let him handle things with his parents.

I wouldn’t expect it and neither would I want it.

Expectation is the mother of disappointment.

That's irrelevant to these conversation - the point is not levelling up the help to your own children - plenty help for one bad push back for others (also yes, pushback for DIL and help for own DD).

And yes, we invite them, go out together, go holidays, spend family events together. And I am very happy for my DH to spend time with his DP.

You are probably not wrong here

You sound very petulant. They don't owe you anything. It's up to their son to ask. First borns just get more time and attention. It's not employment law. Fairness doesn't apply.

I know siblings who don't get the same childcare because routines have been established with the ones that had children first. And the grandparents don't have the energy to start over again looking after babies. So no I don't think you can expect the same support even if it would be nice.

Everyone is different, every family different and circumstances don’t always stay the same. If there is a gap of several years between the two sets of children then the grandparents will be that many years older.
Living next to your PIL might not be going to give you regular childcare but it should mean that you have help to hand in an emergency and that your children will know their grandparents well.

I voted yabu because I think with gc it’s often a case of first come, first served. GPs have limited amounts of energy, often dwindling as the years go on, and ime it’s fairly typical that the older gc get more. That’s been a pattern among many of my friends.

But if it makes you feel any better my pils have 7 gc, and when I called over one day with my dc in tow, her friend who was visiting was shocked to discover that she had more gc because she’d only ever heard about (or seen) the golden grandchild. I’m talking free summer holidays abroad, a bank account they contributed to every week, university fees and a car when she turned 18.

How much more can they give though? If doing a fair amount of childcare already are you expecting them to cut back to help with you? Does the paternal GPs help? You say your parents are out of the picture, are your in laws aware of that?
I had no help from either set of GOs, my parents were in their 70s and lived abroad half the year. They did do the odd night babysitting. My in laws never had my kids. I’m certainly closer to my parents than my DH was to his.
Frankly why do you need the help? Is it to save on childcare? I don’t believe one should rely on GPs, nor feel that they should be treated the same as do many other factors come in to play (my in laws hated my DH’s ex, and spent as little time as possible with her and her kids, even though they were their first grandkids).

Life isn't about leveling up, no good will come of this, it is causing animosity in your home with your partner too.
It is not worth it.

I don't know the reason you're not in contact with your DM, this is elevating your feelings.
Their relationship is something that was planned when SIL was born. My DS is only 10. I'll be in his life, if his wife wants me to be, whereas with DD, I'm more confident that I'll be in her life as a new parent.

Maybe I'll be lucky, have a DIL like you that wants our involvement. 🥰

I look after my DS's child on certain days but then that's the only GC I have right now.

If my DD had a baby I'd do the same, even if it was on the same day.

What I wouldn't want to do is commit to looking after GC every day of the working week....no matter whether it be my DS or DD children.

My own parents practically bought up my siblings DC, only twice looked after mine while I went away overnight.

Yeah we’ve kept my son’s child for him for part of summer holidays because they don’t have enough leave between them and my OH is retired.

We Would do the same for any of the rest of mine, but my partner has a very much younger child than any of mine are even though he’s older than me and retired, and I’m not sure how we will be health wise if that child has a child as an older parent for example. He had his one and only child in his late 40s. If that child doesn’t have a child til their 40s he will be dead. And I’ll be in my 80s. 🤣🤣🤣 god I never worked that out before. That’s depressing.

PIL would have DN all the time, he has his own room, own toys, etc

When we visited DN had to be there ALL the time centre stage.

Mine never got a look in and they really began to notice. Questioning why they don’t have photograph up yet DN had loads.

I felt it was a sad situation and just stopped visiting. Kids haven’t seen their GP in years - DH still goes - SIL complains he has all the caring duties - not my problem - she can’t have it both ways.

DH moans the GP haven’t seen their kids - I’ve never stopped him taking them - not once - again not my problem.

I can’t stand unfairness.

I see where you are coming from but it’s not black and white. Considerations;

• the GPs are already in a routine with SIL’s DC
• SIL’s DC will be a bit older now and are used to DGs and are probably easier to look after than babies/infants
• DG are getting older too and might find new arrangements/younger DC more of a challenge - doesn’t mean they don’t love them less
• your DH is not actually asking for help and you are not their daughter so it is different

Kindly - I wonder if you are missing your own parents being more involved?

I look after my grandchildren one day a week, if another baby came along with another DD, I wouldn’t be able to offer the same care to the new baby until the older ones start school

Generally speaking I would say yes, but as with anything a whole load of factors could impact - how many children, what are the work arrangements if any of everyone involved, what are the financial situations of those involved, is there partner/other support available, location of where everyone is etc, etc…
That not withstanding, ultimately, they do not “owe” helping out anyone else with their children, regardless of if they are helping someone else out. Your children are your responsibility and if they are not able to help (or do not wish to) then hey, you do what lots of parents have to do and source formal childcare or make other arrangements.

How utterly awful! Perhaps you could have planned your pregnancy around the current grandchildren’s school start eh?

what a stupid question.

The grand-parents clearly have time and energy to provide extensive help with their grand-children, they can split it. Ever heard of taking turn?

Why are you defending people focusing exclusively on their daughter, but completely ignoring their son? As a grand-parent, wouldn't you want to see ALL your grand-kids?

Bizarre attitude.

I think it depends - things loke: if SiL is single mum, I could understand giving more help to her

If SiL asks more I can understand them saying yes and assuming you and DH dont want or need the same. And giving more to the child who asks

I also think closeness between the parent and grandparent can influence.

I think its nice to treat all the cousins the same but I do think theres sometimes a communication issue regarding one asking DC asking more and then receiving it

No, just really feel like favourites have been picked and I was over promised by DH.
And I do find it unfair.

So it wasn’t the in laws who “over promised”? It was DH?

I’ve found it’s more a case of ‘perfect first born GC’ rather than particularly to do with the parents. We have similar where SIL had kids first so they are firm in the diary where as we feel guilty asking for ‘childcare’ for appointments or similar. They also all bubbled together in the pandemic which I think made a big difference.

Yes yes, of course. ILs just set the scene of support, which I assumed would be the same across their children. But I have already been explaining that it is commonly not the case.