To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

Doesn’t take much to put an offer out as a grandparent knowing you watch the others so much and give nothing to the other set.

Not hard to say oh would Gabriella and Thomas like to come round for a baking and picnic day with nanny and grandad, give you two time to relax. Replace with day out or sleepover. An easy offer of something because they want to spend time with their other grandchildren.

I think when the first grandkids come along, it's fine for grandparents to say 'I'll help, but only one day (for example) so I can provide the same help to your sibling if they need it' or 'I'll help, I have x days, but if your sibling has children I'll have to share it between you in the future'. Otherwise I think it's a bit ridiculous to give loads of help to one child (practical and financial) and none to the other on the basis you're too busy helping the first child. Of course childcare arrangements can be changed- clearly not at very short notice, but most people have a lot of notice for a new baby with a pregnancy and maternity before childcare is needed. So I can see why the OP feels its unfair

Its also odd that they are not seeing grandkids as they are cooking and cleaning for a grown adult. Unless there is a major drip feed that SIL is disabled or something

We get more and consistent help from PIL than the other grandkids. We had DC first. From my PIL viewpoint - which they voluntarily shared- is:

1. the others ‘expect’ it and for longer hours where we were always considerate - ie for date nights we would be back to put DC to sleep or we leave after we put DC to sleep and not be out till too late so that they can go home and rest. They feel no one else is considerate to them.

the other just dump their kids and run.

1. although the next child by age is only 2 yrs younger, they feel they can’t handle younger kids anymore as much
2. relates to previous point but they feel my DC that now needs less supervision is much easier and more pleasant for them.
3. we only have one. Everyone else brings 2 or more kids. Again - it’s way harder for them. They’re now also older so get tired more than say 3-4 yrs ago

Of course it’s not fair but not much in life is! What you going to do about it - that’s the question?
I think I’d be looking to move further away from them so as not at their beck and call when they need you - as they will as they get older. Let them get on with it and make other arrangements and stop comparing for fairness - that way lies unhappiness.

A lot depends on the age difference in the grandchildren as well.

My exSIL bangs on a lot about how PIL 'bent over backwards' in babysitting for DSS and did 'practically nothing' for their DD.

When DSS was a baby his Mummy got cancer, was ill for a long time and then died. Both MIL and his other granny stepped in a lot when she was ill and receiving treatment. That continued after she died. So quite unusual circumstances.

DSS was also 19 (yes nineteen) years older than SIL's baby. MIL was considerably less sprightly, and FIL had dementia and needed full time care by the time he was born. Yet she still bangs on about MIL's unfair treatment...

My mum had one sister. No brother / sister split.

My granny looked after my cousins way more than us because they were older than us, so my gran had committed to having them before we were on the scene.

Adding us into the mix was too much for granny as she got older - and she was only 3 years older when I came along, 5 when my brother arrived but 11 when the baby of the family arrived.

I know my mum felt resentful of her sister because she got free childcare that my parents had to pay for.

But the plus side as we got older was that our relationship with granny and grandpa was that of doting grandparents and not half parents. They were definitely softer on us!

I do think if you can you should look to that positive. And also figure out what it is in the situation with your parents who don’t provide help and support to you that upsets you. Because this is really for your DH to deal with, not you. You should ask yourself. Why isn’t he asking for childcare? Why is it left to you? Why can’t you ask your parents and how does that make you feel?

I Honestly don’t think you should expect the exact same as what your SIL gets. You need to find a way to make your peace with that.

OP I'm the DIL and we had the GC last, my SIL had both of hers first and GPs were committed to childcare before mine ever came on the scene. They also live a bit closer so more convenient for GPs. We never asked as we don't like to presume, but it was never offered that we'd get the same.

My DM is much older (we were both "geriatric" mothers) so her ability to offer more than the odd afternoon is very limited, she did childcare for my older siblings but that was more than a decade ago and there's a big difference between regular care as a single GP when you're in your 60s compared to your late 70s.

I agree it does feel a bit unfair not to get any help but its just the hand your dealt sometimes. I don't resent or begrudge anyone and I don't make a fuss, its up to them what they can offer, obvs they're too tired to offer any extra days and reducing SIL days to accommodate us may result in conflict which they are adverse to. I think they think, well my DM is closer so that's the GP we need to lean on.

I'd just leave it and sort yourself out, thats what we had to do. (Although I also ended up going part time)

Thanks ! Of course they should rest and enjoy their life's too.
My only question was whether it was reasonable to expect the same support.

I have two daughters. One has children who I've done occasional childcare for for five years. The other has not yet had children. If she does, I will probably not be able to offer the same amount of quality of childcare as her sister has had. I have much less energy and have aged a fair bit recently. I can't imagine caring for a toddler and a baby regularly again.

So it's not necessarily a daughter/DIL difference. It might well be just an aging thing.

Given that your DH haven't even asked his parents, it might even be that they've assumed that you don't need or want their childcare.

DGP shouldn't be running around for their adult DC.
Do you invite them over for lunch/dinner? They can relax and not mind children, enjoy them.

I hoped for the same level of support but it wasn’t forthcoming. I always put it down to they had already invested so much time and energy with the first GC they didn’t have any left when my DC came along. Tbf there was a big gap. That said, I do feel resentful and the relationship with the children isn’t the same. DH isnt bothered at all! I can’t understand why as it’s blatant favouritism as far as I’m concerned. I think he’s just grateful for anything they throw our way.

I have this problem with my in laws and like you, it does upset me.
more so because I feel like my children see their nanny the least and we live the closest (as in a 5 minute drive away).
my partner is one of 4 siblings and MIL has provided childcare for all of her grandchildren, but it hasn’t been equal and I just think it boils down to who shouts the loudest and who makes her feel most guilty. I feel bad for MIL as she doesn’t seem to be able to stand up to one or two of her children, which causes resentment with the other children who are more thoughtful and reasonable.

I’ll also add that with mine the PIL went through a couple of rough winters (and other seasons ) of nursery bugs and as they’re older it takes them a while to recover. So now even if they see a little sniffle (which is pretty much all the time) with the other grandkids, they don’t want them around.

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like having for adult children all expecting childcare from me. Seriously, how incredibly selfish and incosiderate of them all to think that their mother should be doing child care for four sets of grandchildren.

That would be enough to make me weep. And I adore my grandchildren.

There's also a difference between parents minding school age kids to starting again with babies.

Iv a friend with your attitude. She couldnt wrap her head aorund that sibling had kids 15 years before and parents had beenuch younger. They then expected theor parents to provide childcare at the same level even though parents were now mid 70s.

I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable or not.

My parents helped my brother and SIL more with kids. I'm the eldest. I think my brother and SIL needed it more.

So I don't think it's necessarily to do with favouring a daughter's children.

I understand where you’re coming from in terms of thinking the childcare grandparents give should be split to be more even. It would of course be unreasonable to demand it, although you clearly haven’t.

I guess the time it could have come up in discussions is when you were pregnant/when your eldest was very young. Something along the lines of “in laws, you very kindly to childcare for S(&B)in law. I am not expecting the same, but if you were thinking you wanted to do some for us it would be useful to know what you were thinking so we could then plan the post maternity childcare around what works best for you”.

As I assume from your messages you've had a few months/years of this current arrangement it might be hard to change. unless you felt you could say to them you’d “love the kids to be able to make the most of being able to spend time with their grandchildren before starting school. Do you think there’s a way of fitting in a day a week together? Or even just an afternoon?” Alternatively if they’ve not started school could you talk to your in laws about how it would be really lovely if they could support in the initial transition and do an afternoon a week (if only 2 to 3 hrs in the end). And then see what they say to that.

No. Probably not as they are older and presumably unable to provide the same level of support.

In my observation/experience it's really common for maternal grandparents to do more childcare. Yes there's exceptions, but definitely a pattern.
I also think its common to see looking after grandchildren mostly as a favour to the child's mother (and dependent on that relationship) rather than to the father or to both parents or even as building relationships with the grandchildren themselves. It shouldn't be, but it is.

Personally we live far away from my in-laws which allows them to maintain the pretence that they'd help as much as they help with their daughters kids if only we lived closer. In reality I'm very confident they wouldn't/couldn't.

Spend time with or look after?

@Notyourproblem I would feel exactly like you do. I actually agree with everything you’re saying. My IL offered zero help to anyone though!

I feel sorry for the grandparent generation sometimes. There’s always a lot of criticism towards them in the media about “having it easy” with house prices, they are expected to work full time until they drop but also look after the grandkids. If grandparents look after 1 set of grandkids for 2 days a week, 10 hours a day, then they do the same for the next set of grandkids, that’s 40 hours a week, the equivalent of a full time job! And it could go on and on for years.

Looking after a toddler that isn’t yours is hard in a different way. When I had toddlers it was instinctive to me to watch them while they ate, I knew what to give them for lunch, etc etc because I’d learnt “on the job”. My kids are both in primary school now and when I looked after my friend’s 2 year old last year I had to remind myself that I had to watch her going up the stairs! I imagine for grandparents who are older and have the possibility of health problems, it’s even harder.

I think a lot of grandparents agree to help with childcare for the first grandchild because their thought pattern is how hard can a 1 year old baby be, it’ll only be for a few years until they go to school. Then that baby turns into an active toddler who needs watching constantly, who turns into a primary age child who then needs taking to school, help with homework and running around to activities. They haven’t fully appreciated how exhausting it is now they are older. Then more grandkids come along and the same thing is expected. I can understand that they can easily reach capacity and burn out, so become reluctant to help out with subsequent sets of grandkids.

Once again - thanks to all of you for posting.
Interestingly, more supporting comments came in lately, which I do appreciate.
All I wanted to ask if PILs help their daughters more and it's normal, and I should not have expected the same help with the children.

Yes, the issue might be that's it is me asking not DH, he just kept saying that they will help and will do the same support and they are just building up to that etc. but didn't really do any proper asking (because don't want to pressure or dissapoint parents). Somehow disappointing me is not a concern, unfortunately.

And yes, I agree when SIL is asking for as much as she can get without any consideration for PILs time and other GC, it doesn't help me.

Dear OP,
I ll be the mother in law you want.
I want to be supportively involved with babies, but I had sons.
My two daughter's in law, of course go straight to their mothers!