To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

I agree with you. I've experienced a similar situation. SIL's children now also have a very close relationship with MIL which is very obvious when we're together as a group. The favouritism is just continuing down a generation.

This sums it up exactly.

Yes, lots of people don't have parents or don't have contact. But why is it the IL's responsibility to fix?

As a DIL, I interact differently with my mum than with my ILs. For example, I am fully prepared to do whatever it takes to look after my mum when she's elderly. I've already helped when my dad died of cancer.

I am not prepared to go to the same lengths for my ILs. I won't be cleaning their house regularly, or giving them sponge baths, or helping them go to the toilet or whatever. That's for my DH to do. I will facilitate him helping by looking after things at home, but that's as far as I'll go.

I also don't expect the same level of love and support from my ILs as I do from my mum. If I ever divorced their son, I expect I'd never see them again. Whereas with my mum, I know she's always be in my life no matter what.

The details matter though. I've practically co-parented my DD's children (useless ex), but after 10 years I couldn't do another baby, or toddler. I could do the odd hour/wrap around, but I'm done looking after very young children, not just physically, I need the mental break. If I had another child with a newborn/toddler, I couldn't offer what I've done for the first set. Aging matters, even if you are 'fit and well'. I hear how knackered everyone is, in my peer group, because of childcare expectations.

But they dont get it.

Because its always trotted out how much more comfortable women feel with their own mother and its absolutely ridiculous that MILs wouldn't get that.

But when that closeness that a MIL may experience with their own dds and it isnt swinging a DIL direction then its a problem.

I also hope that you are treated equally as a grand-parent, all too often the MN mantra is that the paternal grandparents are second class citizens.

I didn't say it was normal to help your DD more than your DS. Please read my post again.

@Notyourproblem - I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. When we had our daughters my parents helped out a couple of days a week. When my brother subsequently had his first we adjusted so they did one day for us and one for my brother. I would never have dreamed of letting a situation start where my parents helped us regularly to the point it limited their ability to help my brother & to get to know their new grandchild. I’m astounded so many people think that’s fine. It’s utterly unfair, from the pov of the relationship the various grandchildren will have with their grandparents even if not from the pov of the financial assistance & added flexibility for the parents that were first to have kids.

Does your DH ever ask for childcare or does it always come from you? If it's coming from you, although it's not right, then their daughter is going to take precedent.

Also, I have 3 siblings. All of us have kids. One sibling takes the lions share of childcare from our DM because they are more vocal about it. Doesn't bother the rest of us but if your SIL is always asking and your DH doesn't ask then that is why SIL gets all the childcare over you.

YANBU but it isn’t how it works with either my In-laws or my own family. There are a multitude of reason given for other people being more deserving. Mostly because they have the sympathy vote whereas I’m too proud to beg.

I've been trying to post less but I couldn't not comment on your post, OP.

I think a lot of posters are missing the point. To me at least, it's the inequality and the favouritism that's upsetting you, rather than some expectation that your PILs have a duty to watch your children. And I fully empathise.

I have two DC, as does SIL. Her elder DC is 1 year older than my elder, with our younger DCs being the same age. SIL gets 3 days of childcare from MIL per week, we get 0. We all live within 5 minutes of each other, all work FT. My DH is very close to PILs and is always helping them with something or another.

My parents both still work full time, and are unable to retire in the near future. PILs are retired. I totally get that SIL had a year of childcare before us so had some kind of routine, but I would've thought MIL would say that to be fair, she would have to change the arrangement in the future so she could help us all. Perhaps give SIL 2 days and us 1. SIL could absolutely afford an extra nursery day if needs be, we're paying for full time nursery as there's no one to help.

It does hurt. Again, not because I want or expect free childcare. It hurts because MIL is treating her children differently, and is building a relationship with SILs DC that she'll never have with ours. And she's of course very tired from the 3 days of childcare, so when I try to arrange for her to see my DC, she's often busy trying to recuperate, which is fair enough. It just means she doesn't have a relationship with her DS's children (my DH), which honestly breaks my heart.

What's more, SIL's PILs live in another country, but visit regularly to see their DGC and constantly offer childcare when they're here. SIL has said on more than one occasion that if her PILs lived nearby, she'd have full-time childcare from GPs. Ironic that she mentioned that to me when she knows MIL doesn't help us.

To reiterate, it's not that childcare is expected. It's the difference in treatment. I couldn't ever imagine not helping my children out to the same extent. It wouldn't sit right with me.

Ultimately, you've just got to get past it somehow or resentment will chip away at you. I'm working on it.

First grandchild comes along. Parents excited and are free during the week so insist on being childcare. Same for next grandchild from the same child. Parents have committed to this. They age and get tired from the childcare. Third grandchild comes along.. parents can’t ditch other grandchildren and can’t possibly double the childcare and no longer have energy to look after new baby.

Honestly you shouldn’t have assumed.. hopefully you budgeted for full time childcare before having your kid.

But providing childcare (which this thread is about) is helping a couple. Your child wether male or female and their OH. So DD and DS should be treated the same.

I think this is a good summary.

YABU to expect GPs to provide childcare, other than reasonable odd occasions (emergencies, to give you time together as a couple). No one should expect it. They’re doing you a favour. GPs are either still working themselves or want to enjoy their retirement while still fit and healthy, after working hard all their lives while bringing up their own kids - as well as often caring for parents, each other or other relatives.

YANBU to expect fair treatment. Which should give GPs (or future GPs) food for thought. In some cases, GPs may give more help to a daughter than a son. That’s clearly sexist. But IME, they tend to give more help to the first GCs and then the novelty wears off. Plus, they’re a few years older and have less energy or feel they have fewer years left to lead a full life. But they should think about how it may feel unfair and try to be even-handed. Or at least consider explaining why they can’t help as much.

But important not to expect explanations, either. Some GPs have good reasons: health or relationship problems they don’t want to share with their kids. They’re entitled to privacy.

If my son married a woman and she didn't have parents around I'd be aware of that and would help if they needed it and if I could. It's not a case of trying to fix it, it's just being a decent person and supporting my son and his wife and in turn their kids (my grandkids).

I guess theres only so much the grandparents can take on. If for example theyare already commited to look after two, then its really unfair to expect them to take on more.

You will get people who have no grandparent support jealous as hell and telling you that you should mind your own children!

I’ve no grandparent support as they have passed away but I’m not envious of any who does and I say let them as much as they want to x

DH’s brother didn’t have children with first wife, now remarried and could possibly have children. Our DC are uni age. In this scenario would those posters saying GPs have to provide the same childcare expect GPs to provide childcare to BIL 20 years after providing childcare for DH’s DC? Even if they are in 70s/80s, not in great health. Or should they not have provided childcare to DH until BIL produced children

The grandparents' DD asked for childcare. Their DS has not. It is therefore not surprising that the GPs are giving their DD more childcare help.

Their DIL has asked for childcare, but like I said it's normal to want to help your children more than your ILs.

The person OP should be complaining about is her DH.

I want to add to this. I am a new granny and I have a lot on my plate but when I retired I committed to having more time for my family. I want to treat them all fairly, these children are only young for a while. So I will be offering the same to all. I don't want my GC to have to go to childcare when they are young. That might mean having more than one at a time, they are a joy.

But OP's DH hasn't asked for help or said he needs it.

I think everyone comes at this from a different perspective. I am 100% of the view that you treat your children equally no matter what, it doesn’t matter if their circumstances are different. Now, practically that doesn’t mean you can offer the same help with regards to childcare as one child might live locally and one might be further away. If I was giving regular childcare to one of my children and I couldn’t do for the other I would either contribute to their nursery costs or I would offer to have their children for the odd whole weekend to give them a break. I appreciate others don’t agree that you should treat your children equally but I’ve been raised that way in my family so can’t imagine doing it differently. So OP yes if it were me I would be a bit upset that your DH isn’t as valued as his sister is by his mum.

That's very fair.

It sounds to me as though the grandparents really need their rest days because, as well as providing childcare for SiL, they are doing all the travelling to and from SiLs house (multiple times per week?) as well as cooking and cleaning once they get there. That’s a lot! It seems a shame that these heavy commitments leave them too tired to spend much time with their grandchildren who live right next door.

It should be fair, however it rarely is.
The mother, daughter relationship is built on years of similar outlooks.

My Dbro DC didn't get as much attention as the 3 daughters children, they are very close to their grandmother's on their mothers side.
.
Similarly my relationship with MIL wouldn't be very mother and daughter either, she's obviously much closer to her own daughter.

It can create bitterness especially when you live close by and don't have family close by.

It is shit for you and your DC.