To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

[Notyourproblem]

AIBU to expect to get the same support from the grandparents as given to their own daughter?
I am married to their son. I am talking about child care time and effort (not talking about money)

YABU - no, it's common for parents to favour and support own daughter more.

YANBU - yes, same treatment for grandchildren support.

For context - we live closer that SIL and my husband is very close to his parents so no issues with relationships.

My sons were treated very differently to my husband's sister's kids - her children had overnight stays at MIL's, were taken on day trips, on holidays, and to various parties. The extent of it all became evident when MIL died and her daughter's AC did a eulogy about all the happy times they'd had with her and her husband.

I don't think things always can be equal, it's like that in all areas of life. It should be based on individual circumstances and needs. My DB gets way more childcare from DP than me but I don't really ask as much. Either way, it's your DH's battle and he should be the one asking. I'd never ask my PIL for childcare, I expect my DH to do that and he has done when needed without me having to tell him.

You want your mother in law to be as nice to you as she is to her daughter.
It just isn't the same is it?
It's not looking after her son's kids versus her daughter's kids
Its literally looking after her daughter versus her daughter in law.
Now if she were to give your kids less money then yeah I could understand
But you're literally wanting her to support you like a daughter.
Maybe manage your expectations?
Like I can only talk about my nephews, I look after my sister's kids but never my brother's kids.
My sister and I have a relationship, me and my sister in law are friendly but no more than that.
I can't just go over there and knock on the door there's boundaries
I can just turn up my sister's and stay the day and she'll feed me
I'll take her kids out etc
Houses are basically run by the matriarchy, so your house is not as comfortable as her own daughter's house
Just accept it.

You are treating your mother in law like she does not deserve to have a decent retirement herself. You are asking her to double her (probably unpaid) hours of work just because you have had a baby.

Looking after children can be exhausting for grandparents. As you get older it gets harder and harder. Having looked after SIL children she will now known this and is more likely to decide to (attempt to) retire from this unpaid exhausting job altogether.

The baby is yours, you need to parent, or get the free childcare that is available if you need to work. Grandparents need to be grandparents, visit and help out when possible, not be expected to be endless regular free childcare.

Unfortunately for you your SIL had children first and has had the benefit of childcare. You definitely cannot expect the same, thats not how it works. Spare a thought for the wellbeing of your MIL. Be grateful, many mums have no grandparents or family to call on, even for occasional help.

I read these threads because I am jealous of anyone having help from grandparents. DH and I have had none (all grandparents too busy with retirement). DC is three. SIL (DH’s sister) had help from MIL all the time and now her child is an adult. MIL had help from both grandparents.

For the grandparent’s, lifting a coffee to their mouths (that we make) while juggling DC, is the most they can offer.

Its a tricky one as obviously if they have a routine going to the grandchildren that what here first and firmed bonds, it may be they dont have the energy for any more than that?!
Child care is exhausting both emotionally and physically.
I have 5 grandchildren and have them 1 at a time, fairly regularly and for some its for weekends , some for small holidays, and 2 get regular pocket money by standing order and 3 have it when I see them.
Its a routine. I couldn't add more to that but would like to lessen it sometimes, then I look at their faces and say its fine.
We do get tired and do like time to ourselves too.

I agree that you need to consider grandparents point of view in this. Sil already has kids and an agreement was established re: childcare that's already in place. That can be awkward to go back on.

In between then and your kids coming along they've also got older. They also may feel less able to safely manage more children at the one time. So their options are therefore to either reduce the hours they've already committed to and which sil and the kids are in the routine of, or they refuse to take on any more. Either way they are letting someone down/ affecting someone. So it's probably been easier and less uncomfortable for them to set a new precedent going forwards as they don't feel able to manage adding to their commitment but also are in a routine that presumably works for them and the kids involved?

I'm also wondering what ages the kids are - I know my parents don't mind watching my sisters kids as they are older and able to do a lot themselves whereas I know they don't really want to watch my toddler because he needs a lot more from them so it's more physically and mentally demanding. There's also a 10 year gap in between my sisters youngest and my ds and my parents are clearly in a different mindset re: how they want to spend their retirement and are easier tired now. Therefore my sister has never paid for childcare for any of her kids and I pay a small fortune for 5 days a week nursery for mine. But in the long run I also don't want him somewhere where he's either unsafe because someone can't keep up with him, or generally unwanted. Plus I know he gets much more in terms of socialising and development and learning at nursery than he would put in front of the TV at my parents.

What you could maybe get dh to talk to them about because you mentioned he won't ask them for more ( you also can't really resent them not doing what he's not asking them to do) is quality time to build relationships as a grandparent relationship is important and you're both worried that as your kids all get older, they might notice that sils kids get a lot more quality time with them than your kids do. So maybe they block in some quality time for your kids on a regular basis at an interval that works for them. Such as once a month they go and do something fun or whatever. Or maybe this is something for the future when your kids are bigger and need less care/ lifting etc and are more likely to actually have memories of those times?

My parents solved this problem by doing nothing for any of their children. I am actually ok with this approach.

My IL did more for us than for husband's sibling (actually only an occasional week staying with us while I had to travel for work), which has led to years of resentment from them. Because they have conveniently forgotten that she is disabled and they live in an apartment that she can't get to in a different country to her!

Something to point out - if you live next to them you'll like have to look after them when they need more help compared to SIL. Did you move on the agreed understanding they would help?

That’s a bit harsh to a lot of posters, who have detailed why it’s not feasible.

We have this! MIL looks after sister in laws kids once a week after school (and the rest). Its set in stone, unshakable. Also favours those kids. Seems to think SIL has it harder than us even though she has it the same, (part time job she likes, married, financially fine.). I think the difference is that SIL asked for the childcare whereas my DH says he wouldn't ask because he thinks it too much of a burden. Its very annoying.

In my language/dialect we literally talk about the hot and the cold side of the family, so the daughter's (parents (warm side) vs the son's parents (cold side).

Make of that what you will.

Agreed, even if there weren't plenty of other reasons if I was the GPs I'd be helping DD rather than DIL based purely on the attitude I've seen displayed by her on this thread.

@Ijustwanttobehealthy Because the childcare is really for the parent's benefit. By providing childcare, the GPs are helping their DD.

It is normal to want to help your DD more than your DIL imo. Just like it is normal to want to support your parents in their old age more than your PIL.

It would be normal for the GPs to help both their DD and their DS if they can, but the DS hasn't actually asked for any help. He seems to be fine with how things are.

So yes it does matter who is asking.

Unpopular opinion, but I think it’s unfair. As far as possible,I think you should treat your children equally. Sadly, we are on the receiving end of not getting any childcare, compared my husbands brother getting two days a week help for 2 kids for a long time. They know we have to pay nursery fee, and the others pay nothing as they’ve had two days free childcare for three years. The grandparents aren’t particularly old.

In our situation, we’ve tried to be kind and understanding, but it has created a rift.

Every time the family who received the free childcare turn up with designer clothes, or a new Mercedes, all the kids are wearing designer clothes, or go on a two week expensive summer holiday that we can’t afford,it does make us pissed off that we’re paying for childcare that they get for free.

I understand some people will think I’m an entitled brat. But it’s really hard being skint and watching people get all sorts of free bees with designer clothes and free childcare. And it’s anonymous on here, so I don’t have to pretend to take the high road. We are all only human, and it makes me upset.

Same for my mother. She was 39 when I surprised her with GC no 1, and GC no 2 came around (via DB and SIL) within 18 months.

My mum’s eldest GC is 32, and her youngest 3. With a few more in the middle. She can’t possibly give the same to DB and SIL (DB’s 2nd wife so this is her 1st child, but DB’s 3rd) as she is over 70 now. She doesn’t do any childcare at all, and SIL’s parents are overseas. I am currently not close enough to offer help, but am relocating next year much closer so will offer some help to my DB. Can’t be daytime but after school once he starts maybe once a week and weekends if ever needed (have already offered weekend if they fancy a holiday, but they haven’t felt able to leave DN as yet).

I’m hoping i’ve got some time until my own GC come along but i’ll be working right up until retirement age, so depends what age my DC have DC on what help i’d give and it would be fair. I wouldn’t commit to a day a week anyway, but if close enough, I would offer 1 afterschool and i’m going to offer childcare for at least one break for the parents each year (maybe even 2 weekend breaks, or 1 x childless weeks holiday). Largely as no-one did it for me, and I wish they had, and I think it’s important to make time for each other (hence offer to help DB now my mum is too old). Maybe why i’m seperated from DC’s dad!

All of those people saying it's totally normal to do more for your own children than for your inlaws- you do realise your inlaws are married to your child right? What if the inlaws don't have parents/don't see them? Do they just have to go without?

This blatant favouritism (of usually daughters) is often one of the reasons MIL/DIL relationships are strained. Yes, I get you likely won't ever love a DIL in the same way as your own daughter, but at least they to keep things equal and fair where possible and pretend!!

If and when I'm fortunate to have a DIL I'll be well aware that she's my son's most important person in the world and I would want to do anything to help her out/take the pressure off where possible.

My SIL feels the same way as you do about my relationship with my own mother. She thinks everything needs to be exactly the same. I just think it’s unrealistic, my Mum gave birth to me and my SIL entered our lives in her 30s - it will never be the same. Of course my DM loves my brother and his children, but I have been far closer to my Mum than he has. I’ve just got off the phone to her, she’s been boring me with details about my Auntie’s hip operation, we’re going shopping tomorrow for wallpaper for her spare room, my brother would just never entertain the same intensity of relationship, it would drive him mad. Mine and my mother’s relationship has been built on 40 years of love and closeness. She one hundred percent tries to treat all the grandchildren the same but I talk to my Mum every day without fail, she knows our lives inside out, and I just know it’s not like that with my DB and SIL.

But my SIL lets her bitterness show, so me and my Mum have to play things down. Her and my Dad are going to Spain in a few weeks and have invited us, but I’ve said no as it will cause tension with SIL. I never ask her to babysit as I know she will be obliged to offer to have my brothers 3 kids.

It’s got nasty in the past and I know my parents are wary of her and like I said we play it all down. Essentially she’s quite jealous of the relationship I have with my parents. It’s sad really.

Then mils need to remember that when they want equal treatment when dils just given birth and they want the grandbaby and it’s not fair.

No it is not normal to want to help your DD more than your DS.
Most reasonable people like to treat their children and grandchildren the same.
My brother was the golden child.

Has it occurred to you that they might not want you doing anything for them? I get on with DsIL but no thanks, I'll pay for any care I need.

My SIL has had 14 years so far of 3-5 days a week of help from her parents and BIL has also had help before they moved to Canada while DH has had to ask weeks in advance since the birth of DS1. Her second and our first are two weeks apart with our first the oldest.

I never expected equal amount but thought they would at least offer to spend time with ours alone for 60-90 minutes at least once a year. They didn’t and I accepted that is their choice. There’s no crazy backstory, never stopped them from seeing our kids, I was more than accommodating and just stopped putting in energy after years of realising that our children just don’t factor that much. I had to gift a framed picture because they didn’t have any of our children up despite the countless pictures DH and I have sent. There is a framed picture that says grandchildren and ours are not in it but DH’s cousin’s children are. Wondering what’s going to happen when one of our kids questions sees this and ask where they are and what the answer will be.

What their daughter doesn’t know is that they moan every time about the childcare they provide for their daughter when they visit us for our children’s birthdays. I just leave and go to another room since they’re moaning to the son that has to ask just to get 90 minutes, on the birthdays of our children. They’re vocal about everything else yet can’t tell their daughter it is too much, when daughter also has a MIL who is available and local and their children are the only grandchildren on their father’s side. The father’s MIL also alters the kids uniforms from what MIL tells me.

The side effect of having so much help is that the grandparents may become a second set of parents and have more input than you may desire. The arguments I’ve had to hear about one or both grandparents overstepping has made me eyeroll (both sister and parents complain to DH), You desire that much childcare, be prepared for decisions about the children to be likely a group effort.

I totally agree with this. I strongly disagree with the idea that the first set of children/grandchildren get the childcare and it's just tough for the rest because they were born later. It's not just about the help/childcare, it's about the fact that the first set of Grandchildren are going to end up with a totally different relationship with their grandparents. You should only commit to one what you can do for the others, barring it course any changes in circumstances like health etc.

OP, do you really want to be living so close to them?
Because it must be annoying to be living so close to them, if they have expectations of their son, but all their time and effort is supporting their other grandchildren.

Perhaps you don't want to live so close to them?

It's too circumstantial. You don't know your SIL's full situation, while she may appear to have things sorted you don't know her in the intimate way her parents do, so don't know why she might need more or less help.

Helping out with childcare is great for the grandkids, but often a favour to the parents. Of course a parent is going to favour their own child over a child's partner. If it were your husband asking, I wonder if they might be more forthcoming, but choosing between helping you or your SIL is a no-brainer. Further to that, coming from an older generation, I wonder if childcare still feels like the woman's job to them, so that further entrenches why they'd be more inclined to help your SIL's kids over yours - while your husband is their son, it's not his "job" to look after the kids, so again that would be a favour for you (I obviously don't subscribe to this view).

Perhaps also, living next door, you get a lot of mini-help, while SIL gets more substantially noticeable help. My mum lives near my sister, so is often over for an evening here and there, pops over at the weekend, during her lunch break and so on. I live further away so she has to take whole weekends, or sometimes comes with a laptop to work from here and help out. This seems to cause a lot of jealousy, despite my sister ultimately getting more help.