Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

When mine were small a typical week would be as follows;
Monday - local toddler group in morning , nap in the afternoon then maybe a little trip to the park.
Tuesday - weekly shop. Afternoon nap and then books.
Wednesday - story time at library then meet other mums for lunch ( this was often at someone house, was very basic) Afternoon it would be garden play or crafts.
Thursday would be a day at home doing chores. Pop over to see family in afternoon.
Friday - church toddler group. Afternoon park.
saturday - National trust or similar with picnic.
Sunday - mixture of toys, crafts, garden, park, books, Tv.

Nowhere near £150! Take a flash to park if desperate for coffee. I drink tea by the gallon at home but rarely buy when out. Change your mindset. Yes you may be a bit bored but this time will be gone in a flash and you’ll have teenagers who really can’t be entertained with craft and park.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. What on earth are you doing with your son that costs £150 per week? I was a stay at home mum, as were most of my friends, and we were never given an allowance. My husband gave me money for things like soft play as and when we went, but I would never ever have expected him to pay for my coffee. I took my daughter to the park, to my Mum’s, and the rest of the time I played with her indoors and I the garden because I didn’t have spare money. I think you’re totally taking the piss.

I think all these people outraged at the amount you spend are missing the point. What's far more relevant is what, as a family, you agree, and how money is split. He's obviously meeting all the bills, brilliant. But how much money do you, as a family, have after bills are paid? Because it's from that money that this spend should come and how much is reasonable depends entirely on what the household bills are.

So if he's out playing golf every weekend, buying new clothes, and getting coffee and a bagel every monring on his way to work, then it's definitely not a good amoutn for you. But if the bills are taking up most of the spend and the £150 a week he gives you mean's he's only drinking office coffee and hasn't had a hair cut in 4 months... then it's too much.

I agree that an 'allowance' isn't the right term - they need to agree how much she spends though and we really don't know enough about their circumstances to know if it's stingy. When me and my OH were working we had a mortgage that was 4.2k a month so just because he earns well it doesn't mean they can comfortably aford for her to spend more.

It sounds like you’re living every day like a treat day. A trip to softplay, lunch and coffee out, an ice cream out; all of these are treats. They wouldn’t be things I’d expect to do every day or all in the same day unless having a day out. You need to be more mindful. If you’re getting lunch and coffee out don’t then also get an ice cream later. If you’re going to softplay don’t go out for lunch as well, bring a packed lunch or you can pick up a supermarket meal deal (including a coffee) for under £5. £150 a week is still £30 a day, assuming it’s not covering weekend spending when you and DH do things together. That’s a huge amount of money just for leisure!

perhaps it’s a side issue but the older generations did not spend the equivalency of 6k a year on trivia and over ten years ( because most older people didn’t buy in their 20s) / that’s 60k and that’s more than 20% house deposit for most of the uk (indeed the first time buyer average spend is 220k )

yes home prices are stupid but also more people could afford homes if they didn’t spend on trivia. Both can be true at once

You are so completely out of touch

You’ll get absolutely flamed for this @Tupaas !!! Don’t you know if you’re a SAHP you cannot and I repeat CANNOT complain about money on mumsnet 😂

These threads are comedy gold.

You should both have equal access to the family income, how u spend it is up to you

Aint being rude but...

650 p\m, and u asking for more...? U cant be serious!
Your Ds is a toddler, at this age he aint gonna care where he is going as long as he aint bored! He aint even gonna care if his food is from home or outside!! He aint gonna cry if he doesnt go soft play or similar for a day, you can go on a picnic and take that stupid coffee flask with you, he can play in the park and will still be happy the same way as if u take him to soft play.
I think its weird that you need money for toys every week aswell where are his other toys, its not like he needs a new toy every week. You dont have to buy the same stuff every week.
Who cares if you aint getting a luxurious day out it aint about you its about your son and spending time with him.

The average age of first time buyers in 1995 was 28…

You are out of touch

I agree with everyone else. While I could easily afford to spend that kind of money, I almost always take drinks and snacks and often a packed lunch with me.

Coffees and lunches once or even twice a week for a nice treat, fair enough, but £150 for 5 days of outings with a baby seems pretty generous.

How much does he spend on lunch at work though? If you say over £30 every day, I'd reconsider my view.

Ah I was a bit later !

Bless

Yes that sounds like plenty of money to play around with and really generous. Like other's have said, that's a huge chunk of your take home money nowadays and most people wouldn't spend that kind of money on just entertaining a child.

I'm not trying to be rude (tone is hard while typing).... but do you actually want to spend an entire year with a toddler? I wouldn't want to so I wouldn't judge you! You could put your toddler into half day nursery or playgroup or something and spend the money that way. Then have some time to yourself, particularly if you're trying to apply for new jobs or retrain etc. I would find it really hard going to be a stay at home parent which is one of the reasons I never did it.

If you are married I don't understand the point of separate accounts, any money goes into account and we spend from that account, doesn't matter who earns what, and neither abuses it. Was a SAHM for number of years was never a case of his money, it was our money.

How much are you saving him in nursery fees? How much would it be to have him in the nursery full time?

You have over £7000 a year to spend on days out with your DC and you don't think that's enough? Seriously? 😂

its a lot of money OP , around £20 a day just on extras and whilst his salary sounds great - after tax and paying all the bills and giving you an allowance he probably isn’t rolling in it either. My view is treat yourself to 1 or 2 days a week like this and the rest, by all means have a coffee out , but skip the paid activities or find very low cost ones and ditch the lunches and ice creams etc -

Have a couple of days at home.

Sorry but you do sound quite wasteful.
Are you really out 5 days a week?
That would be £30 a day!!

You're so far our of touch, it seems unreal that you're cribbing over £600 not being enough.

Completely agree, i dont understand this allowance nonsense