Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

What other money do you have access to? £150 should be fine for the toddler activities, but I wouldn’t want to have to pay for everything else out of it.

Don’t buy lunch out, that’s madness and bound to be expensive. Is ice cream needed? Are you doing this every day? If so, you’re totally out of touch.

I am sorry but that sounds quite a lot. Its adds up to £7,800 over the cost of a year. Do you expect to go out every single day? I mean out of a salary of just over £100,000 gross, he brings home a bit over say £68,557. At
£150 a week, you're spending about 11% of the available earnings on "fun activities". I'd think that was ample if he was paying all the other bills - utilities, council tax, insurance, mortgage, groceries, car servicing etc. In fact, I'd struggle to see how you'd be saving much money on this basis and I'd prioritise financial stability over fun activities.

But as other posters have said if this is for you to buy food shop, own toiletries etc then that's a different story. That would be stingy.

he has 1100 or so a week ( pension dependent ) which is amazing

if you have 150 , I guess he should have 150 general spending

snd for two adults and a baby we should
allow say 120 for healthy diet ( yes you can eat cheaper but healthy food is more expensive).

then weekly share of all bills say 100- phones , water, electric and gas, insurances , transport another 50

mortgage ? the big unknown - that could wipe out the rest !

when dd was young I think i had 2 spending days a week - a trip to the swimming pool and a play centre or farm or a coffee after the library. We walked or got the bus - if I drove I would park for free and walk in - good for my health and set DD up with good habits

I didn’t need to buy her toys or books or things every week

i could have afforded more but I didn’t see the need to keep spending and it meant we had a safety net that later proved very useful

and extra £50 a week is over 2.5k in a year which is 25k over 10 years which matters in the long run

Oh dear! Last time I ever post a joke, I promise. But you all sound like boomers berating the op about her takeaway coffee habits. I’m off to bingo now.

Putting it bluntly yes you are out of touch. I was a student when my son was a toddler most days in the holidays were beach, park, library or a museum. Nearly always with a picnic. What's wrong with taking a flask? Im not sure why this irritates you it would take less than 5mins out of your day and when you go back to work if you want to waste your money on coffee that's up to you

This does sound like a decent day out thoughaybe not luxurious. Surely days like that are only one a week. I had to recheck your post as I thought initially you said 150 a month which could be tight but 150 a week is loads to fritter away.

OP are you struggling with boredom? Do you find it tough being alone with your child and you are seeking out company and paying for things to keep them occupied because you are having problems doing it by yourself? No judgement here, I found small children very difficult.

But what about inviting a friend and their child round for a playdate? You supply the coffee and you can have company while the children play. Or go to a park with a small playground and let your DC mix with other young children. Or find some cheap/free activities (try your local library, they usually have posters advertising play schemes). You really don't need to be spoiling yourself and your DC with snacks and lunches and coffees out, give DC a sandpit, a jug of water and a stick and they will be happy for hours. But I think you might be trying to buy your way out of boredom and loneliness.

Why not use some of your savings. Are you expecting him to cover every expense when you have savings?

I suspect you are still in the working mindset where you have more family income and are only with your child a couple of days a week so you feel you want to do something "special".

Now you're effectively a SAHM, so you need to put yourself into the mindset of having more time to do free things, budget etc. because you can't just keep spending money every day.

Do you not have mother and toddler groups in your area? They are usually free especially church ones. Look out for free ones. There's no way £150 isn't enough - you don't need to be out all day - every child is different but if my son had an activity in the morning he'd get able to play at home in the afternoon - have you not met other mums?

Wow! You’re totally spoilt! You don’t have to eat out or have coffee out every day! You can go to the park, national trust, a walk, the beach and not spend money. Sounds like you’re a bit of a princess!

You need annual passes we have one for our local sea life place £16.50 pp for the year, one for a local amusement park with rollercoasters etc £40pp or 18.95 a day ,soft play on its own is £20 for the year or £12.95 per visit, one for the summer for mini golf £15 may to September, when DS was younger we had the local rare breeds farm £20pp then when you have them you can go every week and it costs nothing, you make your money back in a couple of visits. Take a packed lunch. I don't know anyone who buys plastic bottles of water these days unless they've left their refillable somewhere. Then you'd have buckets of money for coffee and I say this as someone whose household income is higher than yours. I'm not living on the breadline but I'm not wasting money either

I would look at the activities you are doing and whether you need to be there for lunch or buying when out.

I don't recall soft play ever being a whole day thing and we would go for opening time and then home for lunch. Maybe I would buy a drink, but probably not if running around after my kids.

The same with other days out. My friendship group at the time would also always take a packed lunch so no one was ever off buying drinks or food. Is it the case you are meeting people and trying to keep up with them in terms of spends?

I know a lot stop over the summer, but when schools go back look at what playgroups are on in your area. I haven't been to one in a while but still see things pop up on Facebook where they are £3 and this will include a snack for the child and a hot drink for the parent/carer.
The same with the library, ours do a bounce and rhyme session. They host the first bit but many parents then stay on to chat to other mums and they have some toys out as well as books.

The park is a free trip. Going to feed the ducks another low cost activity (buy some seeds and fill a pot at home). I am sure when mine were that young a lot of time was easily filled just by going for a walk.

I would write a list of what you do on each day and the costs - maybe share on here so people can help budget.

Why are you buying bottles of water???
Dont you have any water at home?
If your child is asking for things when you’re out then you say “NO” to him!
As for buying toys every time you go to the supermarket, you’re going to have a brat on your hands soon!!!

I’m always bemused at these people who constantly plead poverty but are prepared to spend a fiver on a coffee several times a week.

Buy a flask or an insulated travel mug and take your own.

Ditto with a water bottle.

You don’t need to go to soft play more than once every couple of weeks, there are plenty of parks which are free.

You could fill the fridge with things for packed lunches for about £20

Think about it OP. You’re spending £7200 a year on coffee and soft play. I’m assuming this is meant to be a joke thread because nobody can possibly think that’s remotely reasonable. In fact it’s not even reasonable to spend it let alone to think it’s not enough.

For a LOT of people that is a luxurious day out

Ok, that really is a lot. My DH earns substantially more than that, but I don’t spend that much on fun / going out every week for our two kids, and they are older so admissions charges are higher and meal costs are higher.

In a normal week maybe we’d do something like soft play once, one meal out, one snack time out. You are not doing yourself any favours long term if you get your toddler used to constant expensive activities and snacks!

The summer with a toddler is literally the easiest time of year to entertain them for free.

I think access to money, versus the amount you spend, are two different things, OP.

£150 per week for you and a toddler is more than enough for pure fun money, in my opinion. Some days will surely be park, cheaper playgroups, friends houses, etc?

but you should still have access to household funds, so running short and going into your savings in general is not ideal.

i know you’ve badged it as a career break, but presumably it’s just that you’ve agreed to stay at home for a year whilst your baby is small - that shouldn’t have to come out of your savings, unless there’s a further reason for it?

People can’t afford houses because your generation paid £55k for the average 3/4 bedroom houses on wages of 20-30k (mid 90s figures). Now average house prices are £270k and the average wage national is still 37k. And older generations are selling those same houses for 5-9X what you paid for them to “young people” who are likely paying 1-2k a month for childcare that you all got for 165% less than the average now. Again, on almost comparable wages.

But sure, £4 coffee is why younger people can’t afford houses now…

I would mix it up and go to a few church or library groups where you pay a pound or two for a session in the week and a ‘bigger’ thing like cinema or sift play, a play date, park etc. £150 a week if it is just for those things is a lot but if it is supposed to include groceries than no way!

This! Have you thought of taking coffee in a flask? And maybe bringing snacks from home? £150 would seem incredibly generous to me - most people would I think be saving a fair bit of that!

School holidays.

I'm obviously in a very different position to you financially as I have (budget) around £10 a week for my spends and £10 a week for family fun things to do. So we'd probably do soft play or something similar about once a month. We'd usually plan it to go in the morning before lunch or go in the afternoon between lunch and dinner.
We'd probably treat ourselves to a drink and a snack if the budget allows.
I think £150 a week is super generous and with good planning you could still do really fun things and have some treats out - perhaps just not everyday :)

Fewer coffees and a serious look at how you budget.

And a bottle of water. wtf?

You need a reality check!