Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

If you are spending this much money, regardless.of the household income currently, God help you as the child grows up. And they demand/want more. Your toddler doesn't care if ice cream is from tesco or the ice cream van. A trip to the park is as fun as a trip to soft play. A toy in the supermarket? Why? Toys are for birthdays and Christmas not an everyday/weekly occurrence surely. You will end up with a child who has no concept of money or the value of things.

£150 should be plenty assuming it’s purely for activities. I can’t remember exactly what my budget was but I had twins and I’m pretty sure I spent less than half of that with double the kids and still gave them some nice memories.
Parks, woods, beach trips, local streams to paddle in etc are all free or cheap (aside from parking/fuel if you need to drive). Buy a kite, some bubbles, balls, crabbing lines,
magnifying glasses for bug hunts etc and you have some activities to drag the day out a bit. As they got older I made some scavenger hunt sheets to take with us too. I’d make myself a big brunch before going out and take snacky things and fruit to eat as generally feeding myself out and about whilst trying to feed two kids just added to stress. I never really went out for more than 2-3 hours with them anyway at that age so didn’t really get hungry.
For birthdays and Christmases we asked for memberships to local farms and zoos etc so that gave us other “free” options. I didn’t often go to soft play as found it stressful with the germs and keeping track of two kids but when we did it was usually the little one at our local garden centre which IIRC was about £3.50 each (and I would actually sometimes treat myself and the boys to a cake and drink as well) and take them for a little walk around to look at the flowers and fish in the aquarium there.
I also took them to toddler groups twice a week, just a little cheap and cheerful music group and messy play group. Remember there are also activities you can do at home too like baking or crafting (I love the baker Ross website for cheap easy crafts).
With just one child you could take them swimming too.

Honestly I think you could have a really fun-packed week for that budget.

Yes, exactly. I’d bet the savings are practically non-existent once you look at the overall picture.

Having an allowance seems so old fashioned and weird, but maybe it's necessary if your non-earning partner is financially incontinent?

Yep....I'm imagining the grocery bill is pretty hefty if Quality ham is a guide...

I hope there he is also paying into OP's pension. And if he isn't, that's a higher priority than more money to spend on coffee.

Yep - as OP seems to think spending £4.50 on a pack of ham is normal, I don’t blame her partner for trying to rein her in a bit!

Wow, £150 per WEEK! I was a SAHM for 11 years and had no allowance for such things. Any activities eg soft play came from our household budget and any luxuries for me such as lunch or coffee came from my personal monthly allowance/savings. This was not my husband being stingy, it was a necessity to allow me to bring our children up. Invest in a YETI cup or flask so you can take a coffee out with you and take a packed lunch wherever you go.

I think it depends on other factors. If you’re scraping by each month then £150 is a lot of fun money. It sounds like you’re not and your husband earns enough to cover it without it being an issue.
how much does he spend monthly on his own fun stuff? I don’t think you’re being that unreasonable given your earnings and general lifestyle. Yeah you could do packed lunches and flasks sometimes but what’s the point taking a year off to not enjoy it if you can!

To me that amount £ sounds very generous.
But I also appreciate how easy it is to spend on a day out with a small child eg the soft play , a small lunch and coffee out , parking 🅿️.
I didn’t go out every day with my 3 children when they were small because I was simply too busy trying to manage housework + other chores , go food shopping and look after them .
Some days were a booked activity such as Tumble Tots or a church playgroup ( low cost , coffee and cake included) other days we walked to the park

"During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery" -

obviously been with DS? how are we to know what you are "obviously" up to?

perhaps spend time at home with your child rather than strong-arming the boy's father in frivolous expence? pater may be a substantial earner but wastefully throwing someone's money around - however wealthy they may be - hardly indicates suitable parental skills 😯

Looking at this from an alternative perspective. If you are filling every day of the week with costly days out you'll soon get bored. Think 8 weeks down the road when you have spent nearly every day in soft plays and attractions and you can't bear the sight of them any longer only now it's coming into autumn and the days are shortening and the weather's damp and miserable. Outdoor activities are less appealing and life just feels drab and tiresome. You've got to play the long game!

Also if this is how you are spending your week it's going to up the pressure and probably cost to do bigger and better things at the weekend.

It's not just the monetary costs it's the expectation of this is how you spend your days and the pressure to be always doing organised things when a low key day can be equally if not more rewarding

Plan out the next few weeks 1-2 activity days with coffee and bought lunch one
1-2 days outdoors doing free activities with a picnic lunch- include coffee and cake/ice cream depending on whether. 1-2 days stay and play time activities with a coffee.

We had a garden centre with a pet shop near us that kept my daughter entertained for ages. We would go after lunch but we had a coffee in the coffee shop afterwards then stopped at the park on the way home before doing dinner.

You should still be able to afford the coffee every or most trips. Ice cream or cake once or twice a week, lunch out once or twice a week. The expectation to do coffee, cake/ice cream, lunch and paid activity every day will rack up the costs and get repetitive and same old. You will bring variability to your week a the big plus but also bring your costs down too.

Through the hot weather my daughter got a bought ice lolly once a week on a Friday. We got it on the walk home from school and on the way to the park for 1.5-2h. The other days she got one when she got home. If we are out for a day and she wants an ice lolly in the middle of day we will probably buy one but if it's towards the end of the day we leave wait until we get home. We went out for a walk the other week and there was an ice cream van in the car park when we got back. We had a peak and the fruit pastel lolly we would have bought was £2.80, we had the exact lolly in the freezer bought as a multipack of 4 for £2. We were home 20 minutes after seeing the ice cream van and she was perfectly happy sat in the garden with her ice lolly and we got one too which we probably wouldn't have done if we bought it from the van.

Even cheaper make your own ice lollies together, hours of fun, eat them whilst jumping in muddy puddles

Are there any gyms in your area or even a drive with a free creche

I am not a person who is good at entertaining young children for full days so I joined a gym with a creche, whereby the creche entertained my child for 2 hours evety morning, and ai wrnt to the gym. This killed the morning, gave my child some stimulation and I got quite fit. Then we both used the pool after ai had my gym session. Took them a packed lunch to eat in the gym cafe .Even if the gym is 100 a month then thats much cheaper than what you are spending.

Go home for lunch.

Then afternoon go to the park or library Or somrthing free.

Then the day is done.

Routine is best too as you dont start just trying to full your day with expensive activities.

I think it’s a balance…. Doing stuff the toddler likes which may well be cheap but also doing stuff the Op likes which is not gonna be jumping in muddy puddles!

a gym with a crèche is a great idea!

Wow, 150 a week to play with. Some people only have 10 to play with after bills. Yes, coffee is expensive out, that is why it is a luxury. Have one at home and give the coffee money to a charity. Wake up!!

it’s a bit grim being with a toddler all day and not even having a hot drink!

It’s your attitude that’s a bit grim OP.
If you can change your entitled perception of what your life should be like, you could be much happier.
If you aren’t working and have a budget then you have to stick to it. You have more than enough wriggle room with 150 a week in my view.

Nobody is obliged to spend £4.50 on a coffee every day. That’s a luxury as is eating lunch out.
And a lot of mums would not see soft play as a necessity every week either, when there are playgrounds in every community for free as well as parks, woodlands, trails, beaches, river sides, and the back garden and probably a lot of other stuff if you do a bit of research.
You and your imagination are the one resource your child needs to develop to his full potential. There is no need to pay for entertainment. Yes it’s hard work as as well as a joy but no matter how much your partner earns, there isn’t a magic money tree.
He sounds sensible.
You sound spoiled and yet you are asking for more. And denying that a home made ham sandwich is cheaper than a ham sandwich in a cafe, - that’s crazy.

If I were you I would be grateful for that budget and furthermore, I’d try to save a bit of it each week.

A lot of that is a matter of opinion - I don’t think a coffee from a cafe is particularly luxurious??

I would agree if it were only occasionally but given the cash that’s being burned through here, that clearly isn’t the case

multiple meals,coffees,ice creams,paid activities every single week is most definitely luxurious as an overall lifestyle in my opinion

Anyone who buys coffee out is having a luxurious day out. Take a picnic…sandwiches and flask or juice and go to kick a ball in a park or something …

you get more for fun than I get to live on in a month.

Toddlers don’t have to cost that much money. The park is a cheap place, a beach or riverside , free museums..and yes toddlers like museums if you want them to. You can picnic at those without buying overpriced coffee and lunches. Soft play ok but again, no need to buy lunch. Kids love picnics or go home to eat. Making sandwiches and putting together a picnic could be an activity with the toddler before going out. They love baking scones and making pancakes, too, and those could be added to lunch. And why buy water? We have water in taps .

How many toys can you buy for a kid in supermarkets? How many can they play with? I’m gobsmacked

It’s ‘Grim to look after a toddler,’ “it feels really miserable to look after a toddler”

that’s awful. Why are you even a parent? Toddlers are awesome. I want my 3 back.
and no one suggested you go all day without a hot drink. You can have coffee at home before and after and if you take a flask if it’s that important.

@DearDenimEagle

that’s harsh and uncalled for. Toddlers are not the best company for adults let’s be real. OP is not a bad mother for struggling to delight in her child’s company all day every day - it is hard work at that age. Dont mum shame.

150 a week is an insane amount . I don’t spend that in the school holidays for 2 children

You aren’t working, you really could be more organised by bringing drinks from home, a packed lunch and snacks. Lunch out is a treat not something to do on a daily basis. It’s summer, you could go to the park/beach/woods save pricey soft plays for the winter. £150 is more than I have to spend on our weekly food shop 🙃