Am I out of touch or is he being stingy?

[Tupaas]

Recently agreed between us that I would take a career break. I’m happy with this, I actually have a job to go to so it’s a short break… more like 12 months.

During this time I have obviously been with DS rather than him being at nursery.

DP transfers around 150 a week for activities for me and DS, like soft play, lunch out etc any toys we might get while in supermarket and so on.

He covers mortgage and bills at the moment and at weekends I might get a coffee or a lunch but as I’m not earning this comes from my savings.

Whilst it was my idea to take a year off, I’ve obviously done it with his agreement otherwise I couldn’t have done it. He was happy DS wouldn’t be in nursery as much, as was I.

I feel like 150 is a bit stingy and he doesn’t understand that a coffee, for example, is 4.50 at lots of places. Car parking, soft play, it all adds up! I want to suggest he sends over another 50 but I know he will make a comment like get a flask for coffee etc which just makes me feel irritated as it’s hard work being with a toddler all day! For context he’s a high earner, a little over 100k. Am I in the right here?!

Are you being serious thats more money then I have in a month, instead of buying water or pop bring it from home that saves money just there . Make Ur own coffee when you go out yes it is hard work looking after a toddler I've had 3 of them but not once did I complain about money to take them places if the kids wanted a ice cream I would go Iceland and buy a box of them saves more money I don't drink tea or coffee or fizzy drinks so I bring a bottle with me . In Scotland they have water taps that you can fill Ur water bottle with I think u need to cut back on the coffees and stop having a bf and enjoy Ur kid because I think you are bored

If you want to go back to work, then do that.

You shouldn't be spending your savings on being sahm unless there's no option. This isn't the rainy day you saved for.

Speak to DP and work out what's fair for your pension payments, savings, etc.

Also - you need to find free or cheap things to do with toddler where you can be around other people. Toddler groups, playgroups, library stuff, heart beeps, whatever.
Then find local parks. Pretend your on holiday and explore anywhere within an hours journey, take a picnic and water bottles. Of course a picnic is cheaper than a Cafe!

I would be putting some of it away for a larger spend. There should be enough to save, unless he demands the receipts?

I assume it is sterling?

What I couldn't do with that much extra a week!

Agree, so many cheap or free things to do. Take a picnic to the park, invest in a drink bottle which stays cold, so much better for the environment too, bike rides, museums, take packed lunches where possible (which is most places) but honestly, ) $150 a week is more than enough. I wish I’d have had that sort of support when I was bringing up my son. Be grateful!

So he earns just around £100 k which after tax and pension plus any other deductions is around £4800 a month. He pays the bills which I assume will mean a high mortgage as you are young couple with a first baby . Then you get £650 a month spending money on top.

You have the luxury of a year off with your baby which is lovely but think you need more money for coffee. As a working mum with a 6 figure salary of my own - I’d say to you in the face right now. Get yourself a frecken flask. Invest every penny you can. You are going to need it.

Enjoy the time off. You are much luckier than most. Get a pension and help your husband pay off the mortgage and invest .

Wasting money like you are will mean you have bugger all money later down the the line and expect your husband to shoulder all that responsibility

He does not earn £8000 a month. There is this thing called income tax. And national insurance. And pension. The thing you invest for retirement when you can no longer work. £4800 max

Absolutely. If my husband earned £300 k I’d do this.

just ridiculous how people need ‘stuff’ all the time to entertain a small child. Very sad. What a waste .

Why can't you have coffee at home?

I’m always very supportive to my friends here who want more money because I like money. I .like to spend money. I never have enough money. I’m big on having more money. I want my friends to have more money.

But honey you’re even too much for me. Maybe cut your ask in half and pray that your husband doesn’t laugh you out of the living room.
And if he agrees, you better be Wife Deluxe forevermore.
Or for at least the next year.
Yeah I have no idea what wife deluxe is. Wear sexy nighties. Talk dirty to him. Dance naked for him. Do the dishes in crotchless knickers lol.
Hell if you do all that, he might give you TWICE as much hahaha.

He earns £100,000 pa, in excess of £8000 per month. Though yes, it is whittled down, by how much we don’t know. If he is left with 5k per month, say, he is giving his partner and child £600 per month to spend on daytime outings plus toys. Her question is…is that mean? Mortgage and bills come out of that too. It depends what those are, it’s about context. Does he pay for all the food/evening entertainment etc too? Though shouldn’t they be having these conversations together? 🤔

“On a salary of £100k, in 2025/26 you'll take home £68,558, which is 69% of your salary. Thats £5,713 per month, or £1,318 per week. That's £27,432 of Income Tax and £4,010 of National Insurance Contributions (NICs).“

why would that poison them?

He will be paying into a pension and could also have student loan repayments. Even 5% into a pension (public sector schemes cost more than this at that income level) that would take him down to around £5k pm.

Obviously out of this they need to pay mortgage, bills, groceries, transport, emergency fund, holidays, Christmas, home maintenance, hopefully pension contributions for the OP, clothing and his spending money.

Unless they can comfortably cover all the above, which the OP doesn't seem to care about, it's pretty irresponsible to spend like she does because she can't be arsed to make a sandwich and take drinks with her.

I've noticed with a lot of mums and nannies that there is a real emphasis on being out of the house the whole time. I agree with "airing" children at least once a day or they go mouldy, but speaking to some, they do a group in the morning, then off to the library, then another afternoon activity, then the shops or similar and are hardly ever home, to avoid the kids getting bored.

I do wonder whether some children get enough time to play at home (helped by adults, you have to teach them to play when they're tiny, I find).

My older child was a Covid toddler and, while I definitely would not go back to those days (it was shit - playgrounds shut, no classes, groups, libraries, cafes, soft play...), we had a lot of time to fill after the socially distanced walk of the day and so did play a lot.

If you look at some of the lockdown toddler threads on here, there were lots of ideas shared for things to do with small children.

When I was off work with a toddler we spent most of our time at free/very cheap activities like Playgroup/mother's group, the park and home. I tended to go to friend's houses rather than meet at an expensive activity.
I'd only do something like soft play or a museum once a week at most.

I think if you want to be doing more exciting things and be out and about more maybe you need to pick up a day or 2 of work or dip into savings.

Is money being put in to cover your national insurance? Do you know how his income is being spent, as it is your income as well. Savings, future joint plans? What sort of income did you have previously? Did you have alot of disposable income? Imagine if it was your au pair, what would you give her to spend the day with a child for expenses? What do other mothers in your social bracket spend? Like for like.

I don’t know where you get £8,000 a month from. If he earns a salary of £110,000 a year and has a student loan and a standard pension with a 10% employee contribution, he has the following deductions:
£11,000 pension
£27,032 income tax
£4210 national insurance
£7332 student loan
This leaves take home pay of c.£60K a year or £5,000 a month.

He then has to cover the following bills (estimates):
Council tax £2,000 / year
Electricity bill £1,000 / year
Gas bill £1,000 / year
House insurance £800 / year
Mortgage £2000 / month
cost of running 2 cars, including petrol, MOT, service, insurance: £7,000 a year
grocery shopping: £100. / week
Total: £41,000 from post-tax income.

This leaves £19,000 a year for clothes, baby essentials, a family holiday, phone contracts…
Her husband is giving her £7,800 a year of that money to fritter on lunch with her friends and expensive soft play outings, or 40% if their disposable income.

My husband earns more than £100k too and we have 3 under 4 and we have to budget. I’m a stay at home mum and I’m on £400/£440 a month but we live in Surrey so mortgage is quite high, his saving for a bigger house for us all on his income alone, food bills, every bill, his saving for our retirement, he pays for holidays, I think to give the equivalent to childcare which would be extremely expensive would be a bit much, im sure his giving as much as he can with everything else! Plus she’s on prob £600-£675 a month that’s plenty!

Do things at home with your son. Painting, drawing, cooking, playdough, gardening. Build a fort under the table and have a picnic lunch in it. Out once a week is plenty.
There are also few things to do out and about such as parks, walks in the woods or library visits. Libraries often have children’s activity sessions.
There really is no need to spend £150 per week.

That seems very high for inside play .
We have a few places we go ranging from
£3-6.50 including 1 adult.
Sometimes have vouchers available.
Parkings free at all the locations
4 different locations.
Maybe look if there's free parking local .
Maybe your in London or alike ?
We're about 30 miles outside of London and not the cheapest of areas .
Maybe pack your own lunch and just have the coffee ?
If they allow outside food .
Or find meal deals at restaurants.
It's easier to do the research before hand when you don't have work taking up most of your time .

Maybe look for cheaper days out .
Go to the park or walks .
Fine activities within the local area .
Have friends round or go to friends houses .
Unsure of your child's age .
But most children don't require new toys weekly .
Your partner is covering you for a year why your out of work asking for additional money may make him feel bad .
As he is covering everything plus a allowance ontop allready

We have two small children .
Go 2 different inside plays 1-2 time a week .
Average £12
Meal out 1 time a week 3 people £25 .
Take away £15 for 3 .
Youngest doesn't eat much or would be 4 .
Parks free
And normally fit in a trip to the seaside once every 2 months (last minute deals )
£200 including accommodation fuel food and spending money .
£100 average a month for this .
Hot chocolate out once a week £10 normally have a voucher or get some of eBay £1 drinks etc when available..
Do the same with meals out .
£20 per child a month for clothes .
£10 for toys.

£60 total

So around £100 a week
We also occasionally go to the cinema .
Take our own food drinks
If we go to the kids club cinema it's £4/8 for 4 of us .
Or Cineworld etc from £3 a ticket to £8 . Depending what deals are available.

But I do understand if you have gone from having a full time income buying what you like .
Then having to budget it won't be easy .

But once you get used to it it's straight forward .
And it's only for a year then you can revert back .
Previously we were on a very very tight budget a few years ago .
But the kids still wanted to do activities so we had to find a way .
Thats how I come across vouchers etc .
Or free days out .
Now we're in a lot better situation financially but I still use vouchers and get deals etc .
As it's just a code they scan on your phone now . It's a lot better than when I had to take scraps of paper with deals on them .

of course it is, but your use of capitals for BUYING a bottle of water, is ridiculous. The alternative to buying a bottle of water is to steal it or be given it for free. Bringing your own is a separate thing.

No, I don't think you've 'got it all wrong' at all. It's about what disposable income you have as a family. He shouldn't be gate keeping it. Why is he giving you an allowance, rather than access to a joint account?. You shouldn't be spending savings on coffee at the weekends or whatever, that should just be coming out of disposable family income. You aren't earning at the moment, but so what? You are a family or you're not?! You're looking after your child.

Wow! That's a lot of money to enjoy yourself.

But is it a lot less than half the nursery fees? If the nursery fees are relevant, they should be looked at as a joint expense coming out of both salaries, one of which they haven’t got anymore.