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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ways middle aged men have told us off this week

572 replies

Siblingsadness · 04/08/2025 10:06

I've got 2 today and it's not even midday yet
I swim every day at 6am . There's normally about 6 of us, today I had the pool all to myself. I swam in one of the lanes as i am working on staying straight during certain strokes. After about 20 minutes a man got in the pool. I've seen him before, he always goes in the unlaned bit and does physio walking up and down.
Today he came over to the lane and said I shouldn't be in there as its the fast lane and I wasn't fast. I thought he was joking so I laughed. He then said he wasn't joking and I needed to move. Of course I told him not to be ridiculous, no one else was in here and if someone fast wanted it, I'd move. He called me a silly batch.
Then just now in tescos, I was in the pasta aisle and a man picked up a jar of pasta sauce and said "is this any good" I said I wasn't sure sorry, I normally just get the passata and put onion and garlic in it. He sort of mocked me and said "ooh good cook are you" I said yes, I'm OK and I enjoy it too. He then said "well at least I can parallel park you silly cow"
Now I know I just encountered 2 nutters (maybe a third is on the way) but I'm a bit cheeky and a cow before lunch today despite just going for a swim and buying cheaper pasta ingredients. 🤣🤣

OP posts:
MsMcG · 05/08/2025 09:31

milkandhoney2 · 04/08/2025 19:12

I did have one guy at the petrol station
I was fuelling from the back pump, he got out to lecture me on how you always use the front one so other people can pull in behind you, and on and on
i couldn’t get a word in edgeways

he got back in his car ranting about female drivers, I drove off v slowly, he angrily slammed forward to the first pump which said.. out of order
then couldn’t reverse as the car behind him had also pulled forward

it was perfect Grin

Ha, you've just reminded me of the time a man got out of his car to tell me off for parking quite far back at the pump. I just pointed to my fuel cap being right at the front of my extra long van, so I really couldn't pull any further forward. He did at least have the grace to apologise!

Bretonsoup · 05/08/2025 09:31

bombastix · 05/08/2025 08:43

Has anyone considered the possibility that those who say this is an unusual behaviour or they never see it are either slightly odd themselves or simply don’t notice because they do something similar?

Nah, it’s not that either. I don’t think I’ve ever been described as “odd” but this hasn’t happened to me. Maybe once or twice when I was a teenager but not since - I am in my 30s now. That said, I don’t think it’s “unusual” but I can’t relate to having to deal with such annoying men! Could be location? Who knows

NotSmallButFunSize · 05/08/2025 09:33

samarrange · 04/08/2025 22:23

I'm not sure if this is aimed at my comment — I mentioned testosterone, and I don't know how many PP also did — but my point was that it's a (possible) (partial) explanation for some kinds of behaviour, not an excuse. Just as poverty or mental illness is a (possible) (partial) for many forms of crime, but also not an excuse either. 🙏

Edited

Yeah but most of them are actually just miserable old twats.

honeyrider · 05/08/2025 09:33

Bretonsoup · 05/08/2025 09:31

Nah, it’s not that either. I don’t think I’ve ever been described as “odd” but this hasn’t happened to me. Maybe once or twice when I was a teenager but not since - I am in my 30s now. That said, I don’t think it’s “unusual” but I can’t relate to having to deal with such annoying men! Could be location? Who knows

You'll probably encounter it more as you get older.

TheignT · 05/08/2025 09:36

bombastix · 05/08/2025 08:43

Has anyone considered the possibility that those who say this is an unusual behaviour or they never see it are either slightly odd themselves or simply don’t notice because they do something similar?

I'm not sure why there seems to be an assumption that if someone says this doesn't happen to me that it means we think it's unusual or doesn't happen. There are probably many reasons why people have different experiences.

I wonder if past events affect it happening. In my case I grew up in a notorious vice area, used to feature in The News of the World quite often. I didn't understand what these scantily clad women on street corners were doing when I was a child but I knew there was something off about it. By about 11 the kerb crawlers were a daily nuisance so I learned certain unwritten rules like don't look at cars, don't dilly-dally but walk with purpose looking ahead, don't make eye contact with other people. Now I moved over 59 years ago but the programming remains, I still get told off by friends as I've ignored them when they've been driving past waving at me.

I think it's unlikely that the man in the supermarket would ask me as I think people know if you notice them or something so I think he'd ask someone else and id miss this incident.

I'm also a rule follower, the nuns probably influenced that with their straps so I would never swim in the wrong lane because it would just be automatic for me to go to the right lane for me so another incident avoided.

Maybe that makes me odd or maybe it just means I learned survival techniques for my environment.

TheignT · 05/08/2025 09:40

honeyrider · 05/08/2025 09:33

You'll probably encounter it more as you get older.

Maybe things swap at certain ages. I'm in my 70s and in the last few years I get more offers of help, offered seats on public transport, offered to go ahead in the queue. Majority of the time by young men. I remember my gran saying the same, she wouldn't hear a word against teddy boys as she said they were the most considerate.

honeyrider · 05/08/2025 09:52

TheignT · 05/08/2025 09:40

Maybe things swap at certain ages. I'm in my 70s and in the last few years I get more offers of help, offered seats on public transport, offered to go ahead in the queue. Majority of the time by young men. I remember my gran saying the same, she wouldn't hear a word against teddy boys as she said they were the most considerate.

I'm in my 60's and have experienced the same so hopefully that's it.

silkypyjamas · 05/08/2025 10:00

My now exH, when I unlocked the car then it central locked because he took so long to get to the car. He insisted that 'cars dont lock themselves' (probably wanted to add stupid woman but didn't dare) when I calmly demonstrated exactly that phenomenon that yes indeed some cars do lock by themselves he went into a rage saying that I constantly emasculate him!! clue was in the first sentence.. EX

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 05/08/2025 10:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/08/2025 12:17

I would think she was maybe being friendly and extending the interchange beyond the mere ‘ No’. I might ask her what difference fresh herbs make ( since you can buy them in every supermarket, both packed and growing in a pot). I might ask her what sort of garden she had.

Thats the sort of interchange we have quite often in Aldi, Waitrose and Tesco round here. I’ve been introduced to several products I wouldn’t have tried by other women telling me about them in the queue, and I have made several converts to the Tesco mesh bags for loose veg when people have asked me where the bags are.

But people on MN are such offence seekers (though I would have replied to the first bloke that actually it’s pretty easy to make a sauce like that, he should try it, and then walked off).

Sounds like you live in a lovely part of the country, I suspect I’m not the only one who’d love to know where!

Canijustsayonething · 05/08/2025 11:18

Notimeforaname · 04/08/2025 15:10

Standing at a bus stop about a year ago, guy walks past, looks at me and stops. Walked back to me and went "Heyyyy baby!" looking me up and down with a creepy smile.
I sharply turned my head the other direction and looked away, clearly ignoring him. He walked back into my eye line, got close to my face and said "fucking bitch". He stormed off.

Fucking psychopath. 🙄

Just why? WHY do they think they can do things like this and get away with it?! Honestly, men like that deserve a throat punch.

Mrsbloggz · 05/08/2025 11:35

Canijustsayonething · 05/08/2025 11:18

Just why? WHY do they think they can do things like this and get away with it?! Honestly, men like that deserve a throat punch.

It's very straightforward.
They enjoy being able to dominate and intimidate others, of course he deserves a throat punch but he's not going to try to dominate someone who has the ability to physically overpower him.

DisabledDemon · 05/08/2025 12:04

Like one of the other PPs, I also had some twat come charging down the road at me when the obstruction (a line of parked cars) was on his side. I'd already started my progress and there had been a space to pull in part of the way along but he chose to ignore that. So, I stopped and put on the handbrake.

This idiot actually wanted me to reverse so that he could carry on regardless. I wouldn't do it, despite him being in an enormous truck (think Barbarian style). Eventually, after much name calling and gesticulating, it must have finally dawned on him that I have cameras on my car and he reversed to the space where he could have pulled in.

So, I go past him. Cue more name calling and he walloped my wing mirror with his hand. My mirror was fine but I do hope that his hand was as bruised as his ego (and if there were a few broken bones, I'll take that as a bonus).

Just another entitled, aggressive prick in a truck.

QuantumLevelActions · 05/08/2025 12:18

DisabledDemon · 05/08/2025 12:04

Like one of the other PPs, I also had some twat come charging down the road at me when the obstruction (a line of parked cars) was on his side. I'd already started my progress and there had been a space to pull in part of the way along but he chose to ignore that. So, I stopped and put on the handbrake.

This idiot actually wanted me to reverse so that he could carry on regardless. I wouldn't do it, despite him being in an enormous truck (think Barbarian style). Eventually, after much name calling and gesticulating, it must have finally dawned on him that I have cameras on my car and he reversed to the space where he could have pulled in.

So, I go past him. Cue more name calling and he walloped my wing mirror with his hand. My mirror was fine but I do hope that his hand was as bruised as his ego (and if there were a few broken bones, I'll take that as a bonus).

Just another entitled, aggressive prick in a truck.

I was once in a similar situation, except the twat followed me home to shout abuse at me. Apparently I'm a fat bitch.

I laughed at him, called him a loser and he screeched off, still shouting.

I was a bit worried afterwards, as he knew where I lived, but nothing else happened.

NPET · 05/08/2025 12:21

Well at the risk of sounding pretentious, my problem with middle-aged and elderly (yes, elderly) men is them telling me I look too good.
I'm 21, no Miss World, but blonde, blue-eyed, etc. and I seem to attract UGLY men who are determined to tell me how "lovely" I am.
The strange thing is that the hunks DON'T stare at me (I'm not complaining, I've got enough boyfriends), but the ones you do your best to keep out of the way of, will ALWAYS find me!
(I'm sorry if I sound "ungrateful" for my looks. I'm merely commenting, not hoping for sympathy!)

QuantumLevelActions · 05/08/2025 12:23

NPET · 05/08/2025 12:21

Well at the risk of sounding pretentious, my problem with middle-aged and elderly (yes, elderly) men is them telling me I look too good.
I'm 21, no Miss World, but blonde, blue-eyed, etc. and I seem to attract UGLY men who are determined to tell me how "lovely" I am.
The strange thing is that the hunks DON'T stare at me (I'm not complaining, I've got enough boyfriends), but the ones you do your best to keep out of the way of, will ALWAYS find me!
(I'm sorry if I sound "ungrateful" for my looks. I'm merely commenting, not hoping for sympathy!)

One of the great things about being 50 is not getting this kind of crap anymore. I'm (was) a redhead and was always getting comments from older men.

I think that they think women like it, and possibly some do, but I never did.

NPET · 05/08/2025 12:33

QuantumLevelActions · 05/08/2025 12:23

One of the great things about being 50 is not getting this kind of crap anymore. I'm (was) a redhead and was always getting comments from older men.

I think that they think women like it, and possibly some do, but I never did.

Yes "crap" is right!
Sad if we have to wait til we're 50 to get rid of them.
None of my "galmates" enjoy it and each has her own way of dealing with it - BUT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!
As we always say, IF we're so lovely, don't they think that (a) we know it* and (b) we're being chased by far nicer men than them?
*Of course if we tell them we DO know it (which one of my friends has taken to saying), they change and tell us we're "up ourselves" and really a "c-nt"!

Puffalicious · 05/08/2025 12:35

PauliesWalnuts · 04/08/2025 22:54

You’re going to hate me @Puffalicious but you really need to be giving 1.5m when overtaking a cyclist, and that’s at 30mph.

https://www.highwaycodeuk.co.uk/using-the-road-overtaking.html

That's all you took away from my post?! Seriously? So my less than perfect 1 metre- possibly more as I was in a very small car on a local road going nowhere near 30 (it's a 20 limit)- is reason enough for him to insult me in such a vile manner?

When the ruddy road cyclists who hold up rush hour traffic on our A road by cycling so slowly 2 or 3 abreast desist, I'll give them 2 metres!

Sheesht.

SunnyValemin · 05/08/2025 12:41

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/08/2025 21:58

I did that once. We were on our way up to my parents’ home, because my dad had died very suddenly, and had stopped to get the dc some tea, when a man produced the classic “Smile, love, it might never happen!”, and I replied “It has - my dad dropped dead yesterday!” That wiped the smug smile off his face.

I had a lady say this to me once actually. I was at a gym for cancer patients, looking sad because I was in the middle of chemo and coming to terms with not being able to have children naturally anymore. I just looked at her, went into the gym, then when I came out she was there and said it again. I burst into tears and she just ran off pretty much. I don't understand why people say it

Differentforgirls · 05/08/2025 12:48

TheignT · 04/08/2025 16:35

Because I don't need your permission or approval.

It isnt just middle-aged men is it.

I was correct then...

MageQueen · 05/08/2025 12:58

Bretonsoup · 05/08/2025 09:31

Nah, it’s not that either. I don’t think I’ve ever been described as “odd” but this hasn’t happened to me. Maybe once or twice when I was a teenager but not since - I am in my 30s now. That said, I don’t think it’s “unusual” but I can’t relate to having to deal with such annoying men! Could be location? Who knows

I also thin kthat a lot of these things happen, but aren't actually even noticed by the person who experiences it. Not necessarily true of you, but I've lost count of the times when I've experienced or noticed something like ths and on commenting on it been told, "oh, he's just been friendly" or "oh, you're over reacting."

So I suspect it does happen all the time, but it's often not even on the radar as an annoying misogynist thing

Dontdoitdoreen · 05/08/2025 13:12

I had not long started a new job and had an opinion that a colleague didn't approve of (me - 40, him - late 50's). He asked me into his office to discuss something which turned into a most bizarre rant about how my opinion was wrong and how he 'knew people'. Lots of veiled threats about how these people were in the IRA and I'd better be careful not to disagree with him again or they'd come to 'sort me out'. When I laughed in his face and said I also knew people he called me a hard faced bitch and never spoke to me again.
I'm a university lecturer. Academics can be interesting people!

Goldeh · 05/08/2025 14:42

Bretonsoup · 05/08/2025 09:31

Nah, it’s not that either. I don’t think I’ve ever been described as “odd” but this hasn’t happened to me. Maybe once or twice when I was a teenager but not since - I am in my 30s now. That said, I don’t think it’s “unusual” but I can’t relate to having to deal with such annoying men! Could be location? Who knows

I've experienced it at different times in different environments, it's not always overt either.

When I was 18 I worked in a local pub, it didn't allow women in the bar area but no issues with them working behind the bar. If I needed to work at a low level, e.g., refilling fridges or cleaning shelves, there would always be some bright spark who would quip "while you're down there, love..."

Worked in training in my 20s, incredibly good at my job and attached to a specialist team only answerable to senior management. My role involved reviewing random samples of case files to identify any trends that indicated training needs as well as creating training packages to address those needs, I would also write guidance for staff on new processes, etc. So many times I'd be condescended to by male managers from other teams/departments about this training package or that piece of guidance. Commonly, they'd stop me mid-delivery to quibble over some point or other and try make on that I didn't understand the new guidance. A very blunt "I wrote it" usually stopped the worst of it but some would take that as further challenge to try take me down a notch.

The male manager twice my age who thought it appropriate to buy me a vibrator and edible underwear in the Secret Santa.

The man behind the counter at a garage I went in regularly who, when my first pregnancy started blatantly showing, asked if I was pregnant. When I said yes, he gestured at my body and said "well that's this ruined".

A locksmith that I had to call out after snapping my key in the lock who felt the need to tell me "you've got cracking tits, if you don't mind me saying". Very quickly shut up when DH came strolling up the road back from the shop and he realised I wasn't on my own.

Right months pregnant, walking home with my shopping. White van pulls up at the traffic lights as I was crossing and the two men inside shouted "oy oy, fatty boom boom!" before mooing at me and driving off laughing.

Driving instructor who told me I was going to need more lessons because I'm a woman and woman are slower to learn. Told me to pretend I was shopping and that there were handbags and shoes in the mirrors so I'd remember to look at them because that's all women like to do.

It's not all men but it is almost always a man and when these things happen they always have a horrible undertone of dominance, superiority, control, aggression, or are sexual (or all five). I think for a lot of men, there is a very thin veneer of civility over the top of their true nature and they view women as easy targets for letting that nature show.

TheignT · 05/08/2025 14:42

Differentforgirls · 05/08/2025 12:48

I was correct then...

Definitely not just middle-aged men.

PauliesWalnuts · 05/08/2025 15:07

Puffalicious · 05/08/2025 12:35

That's all you took away from my post?! Seriously? So my less than perfect 1 metre- possibly more as I was in a very small car on a local road going nowhere near 30 (it's a 20 limit)- is reason enough for him to insult me in such a vile manner?

When the ruddy road cyclists who hold up rush hour traffic on our A road by cycling so slowly 2 or 3 abreast desist, I'll give them 2 metres!

Sheesht.

No it's not all I took away from your (very long) post. But I thought I'd point out the bit that you were wrong about because you thought you were giving enough space when you clearly weren't. Small cars can kill people just as much as big ones.

I think I'll now go and ride my bike very slowly down the road with my friend, which I'm legally allowed to do. OK?

NotSmallButFunSize · 05/08/2025 15:09

OMG I have been reading this thread this morning, went to take the kids swimming and some old guy was all tutting and shaking his head in the car at me due to my apparent audacity in turning into the road he was on??!!

WTF!!!

I may have ranted in the car to the kids about him, culminating in telling him to fuck off.... Dickhead