To think most “mum friendship groups” are just thinly veiled cliques?

[SharpMintReader]

The school-gate groups and WhatsApp chats often look less like support networks and more like exclusive cliques. AIBU to think “mum friendships” are too often politics in disguise?

Are you writing an essay? This reads like the first draft abstract of a work that currently lacks clarity

Are they? I didn’t realise that but it would explain the weird sentence construction and shoe horning in of key words with no context.

I truly genuinely don't understand how anyone is at the school gates long enough or frequently enough for this to be an issue. In the morning I'm rushing in and out, or it's before school clubs, same after school. When does this happen?? I've met a couple of Mums I like and there are others that seem to know each other but it's all cordial, I don't know where the time or energy comes for this to happen or to notice anything enough to worry about it, aren't you all running for the bell?? Oh just me then.....

I find these chats really interesting. Some of my friends who had children before me felt there were ‘cliques at school’. When my child started school i remembered this, I tried to make the effort to talk to everyone (I feel lucky, I find this kind of thing easy and enjoy meeting new people, so no problem). Some people responded and obviously I chatted to them increasingly. Others didn’t, fine some people don’t want to chat/I’m not everyone’s cup of tea etc
Over time I have had various parties, often invited my sons whole class, had days out, again mentioned these on the year group WhatsApp inviting anyone who wanted to come etc . Joined the PTA, invited anyone who wanted to to come along and help etc.

My son is coming towards the end of primary school and I now have some close friends, I have made through the school. Many people never took me up on any of my offers (as I said this is fine). But of course I eventually stopped inviting everyone to everything. I know me and my friends have been referred to as a clique and it makes me feel sad and actually a bit annoyed. Of course I eventually became better friends with the people who appeared to want to socialise and as I became busier with my child’s activities//working more hours etc I couldn’t put the effort in to organising days out or whatever, so just hangout/have drinks with those I am close to. But I feel like some people just want to be invited to things and not go or expect close friendship/friendship groups to emerge for them, while making zero effort. Friendships form in all walks of life and are not cliques. If you are not part of something and want to be, think about how much effort you yourself have put in. What kind of friend you are? Things have to work two ways. Also before people mention money, lots of the things I have invited people to were free park picnics etc

Aren’t all friendship groups cliques?

this all day long

But I feel like some people just want to be invited to things and not go or expect close friendship/friendship groups to emerge for them, while making zero effort.

Amen.

Friends don't drop in your lap. We moved here from the other end of the coutnry and I knew not a soul. Damn right I went to the first playgroup bingo night even though I didn't really want to.

Right. And its the double-standards and dishonesty about motives of these posts that pisses me off.

As others pointed out upthread, the fact that people have noticed there's a "bitchy clique" is a clear sign that they themselves want to join this "clique" for their own reasons of social engineering. They want to be in with the in crowd (or they want their kids to be), they see a group of women who they believe are "cool" or "upwardly mobile" and they target them. If they didn't care about this they'd just make friends with people they actually liked, rather than trying to get in with the right crowd.

When it turns out the women they are targeting are quite happy with the friends they already have, or suspicious of their motives or more likely just don't even really give them much thought, they get uppity about it and accuse them of creating a "bitchy school gate mum clique".

If these posters genuinely thought the groups were "bitchy" and "cliquey" they'd just walk away. It's a classic example of something which says far more about the person making the accusation than it does about the person on the receiving end.

Good for you for inviting everyone to start off with.. I think you make some very valid points.

Usually friendship groups at school were started by a general class invite to the pub then only a few bothered actually going and the ones that did made connections and often became friends. Then others whined about being left out. Not sure what they wanted - gilt edged invitations?!

Not RTFT but I think you're right in a lot of cases OP.

Of course some mums just get on well and become close friends.

But in other cases it's definitely a clique that you either qualify to belong to or you don't.

I think it's much easier to find friends in other places - via hobbies and to some extent at work, although I know some MNer thinks colleagues can't be friends.

I was very much outside the school gate clique as I worked full time and I think it was better as I didn't get involved in all the politics.

I agree with this too.

I moved in to where I still live now not long before my ds2 was born. I didn’t know anyone so I made the effort to go to playgroups and baby groups. When I went back to work I even changed my working days around them. I met a real mix of people - some people didn’t want to form friendships but others did. When my ds1 started school, I already knew a few mums from these groups. I made the effort to chat to everyone and make small talk. Again, some people responded in kind and others weren’t fussed. Fair enough. But one woman who I made conversation with on the way home from school is still a good friend of mine. Yes we have a small WhatsApp group and arrange things. We always include others. When my ds2 started school I made the same efforts with people. We often tried to organise meet ups in the pub etc but often people aren’t interested. One woman whose dc1 had just started school and never gave me the time of day said that our group of friends was a bit “cliquey”. It made me laugh!! By this time we had known each other and done the school run for years. She has made her own friends now and I don’t expect her to invite me to her get togethers 🤨

Reading the OP's posts and those of her supporters' has really reminded me of the Incels' mindset.