To be absolutely distraught

[Adioss]

So, my ex and I split 2 weeks ago and he is already seeing somebody new. We were together for 18 years with 2 children. He said he fell out of love a while ago but it still hurts like hell, the kids have already met the new woman and I am utterly heartbroken

Nice generalisation there 🤣

If he was so desperate for me not to call he would just turn up.

No, no! He enjoys messing you around, and your calls further reinforce his belief that he can toy with you whenever he wants to, for whatever reason.

In this case change your routine - … take some time off work (Christ knows you deserve it) or change your hours if that’s possible/ take AL/ send kids off with friends/ grandparents/ relatives for a day- just make yourself unpredictable and unavailable so he’s the one that has to start guessing.
Whether or not he’s bothered about it right now is not for you to worry about - he will reap what he sows.

Don't call him when he's late - message him asking him where he is as he's X hours late and the children are sat waiting for him. Ask if he's still coming so you can let his children know.

Do it every time he's late and keep any and all such messages for down the line.

Get every penny you can from this split...FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

Don't be one of those posters that took the minimum and bitterly regret it years later.

Get every penny.
Your children deserve no less.
50/50 is not a good deal if you keep the children.
Text him, not phone, every time he is late and doesn't turn up.
This will be useful if he tries to be a prick with CMS.

He has cheated on his children as much as you, remember that.

Shit husband/ shit father.... will likely turn into BMD...bare minimum dad.

You will survive and thrive.👏

Next he'll want his new GF to do the talking.
Send him a text, tell the nasty prick that you'll only communicate by text messages, he needs to be on time, wouldn't want to upset his ego.
The way he is behaving is irrational. Don't be surprised if he slows down or stops taking the DC altogether.

Absolutely this. Don’t call him. Text him, keeping everything very factual - “you are 30 mins picking up Harry and Sarah”. “You are now an hour late picking the children up. We agreed 9am. It is now 10am”. It’s a great paper trail if it needed later on.

Hey op he’s been a twat he doesn’t care if he fucks up ur day. I would take him at his word don’t ring him text say ur late for your kids hope there not getting in the way of your new social life if I don’t hear back don’t bother coming for them. You walked away from me not these 2 innocent kids but hey if your priorities have changed you just reply to this text and hey your being a fucking child by the way. Do you really think I want to ring you you’re mistaken I hate your fucking guts. I just put my kids first And they were expecting you to come for them.

No. He's showing who he is

Do not trust him

Do you own your house?

And the more he mucks you about like this, the less likely he'll be able to get 50/50

Get legal advice as soon as you can

Apparently my 8 year old told him she hates me when she got in the car, why he felt the need to tell me that I don’t know

@Adioss Because hes a fucking cunt. I highly doubt your DD said anything of the sort.

Please don't let him wind you up. Grey rock as much as possible. Just concentrate on yourself and children as much as possible!

You are understandably in shock.
But one day you will look back and be amazed at yourself and how strong you were and how well you coped.
And I doubt that your daughter said that .but even if she said something, he was cruel enough to tell you. He has shown who he is . Wishing you peace,strength and a happy future.

Take every single thing he says with a massive pinch of salt. You don't know what nonsense your daughter has been fed for one thing.
Don't underestimate the nastiness he's capable of. He's not the same man you once thought he was. He's a very different person and he's definitely not on your side.

I believe he told you he would love you till death do you part. He also told you that he had started this new relationship after he left you. This man’s relationship with the truth is already proven to be tenuous. He’s trying to get a reaction from you, don’t give him one. Don’t even respond to to him when he says things. Just smile and nod and carry on with what you’re doing. Remain the calm constant parent, let him try playing his games, kids see through these things.

Is it normal for my stomach to turn when I think of them together?

Oh yes, totally normal. Hold on to the thought that this will pass, you will get through this, and you will be fine. Not today, not next week, but one day - and probably sooner than you’d think possible right now.

Yes, pretty normal. It won’t always be like that though. He’s a lier and a cheat and she’s a fool if she thinks he won’t do the same to her. Try to focus on your own future and not think so much their nasty mess. I don’t believe people who cheat can ever be truly happy.

I was watching a programme yesterday and they said their worst fear was getting married, having children and then getting divorced. I feel like such a failure and I have put so much effort into raising them and feel like it has all gone down the drain as they will be forever affected by this

Hi OP I think I can add some words to this comment - like you I had this exact same thought pattern that I would destroy my child’s mental health and future by divorce. (Different circumstances I appreciate that) it made me hold on to a toxic dynamic. Eventually I did divorce him and my son thrived - he wasn’t worrying about me or his dad’s behaviour I went and got him therapy but in reality he didn’t want it.

you have to remember you’re blameless in this and everything that is happening is their fathers doing and the fact you are worrying about these issues show what a caring and present parent you are. If you can keep being stable for the children they will be leaning on you heavily during this period. This parenting by you is not down the drain children are far more resilient than we give them credit for when we are feeling vulnerable.

At the moment you’re in the deep stages of grief your marriage that was part of your identity has been cruelly and wickedly pulled away from you and you’re being left to hold it together whilst he swans off into the sunset with his new woman. The fact they’ve created a basis for their relationship based on your pain is so fundamentally cruel it’s unfathomable.

you sound like a wonderful parent and I wish I could hug you and tell you how you feel now isn’t going to be how you feel in a few months time. Sending you virtual support ❤️

He’s a failure, not you. I know the model of children being raised by two parents together in a loving relationship is still viewed by many as the ideal family, but this is just not the reality for so many families, and actually is not always the wonderful thing it is set out to be. Children need supportive care givers, and security. Your children have got you, and it sounds like they’ve got your parents too. Plenty of kids are being raised by adults other than their parents. Plenty of kids are being raised by their parents who are just awful to them.

Hey op you’re beating yourself up over something out of your control it’s not your fault the kids won’t blame you. Please be kind to yourself your going through something massive like a bereavement only he’s still here. your ex is a selfish twat unfortunately he chose himself over you and his children. Look at the people around there is so much divorce cheating etc. no one lives in a perfect world you could be together and him cheating on you that would be worse. Your going to get through this and he will not mean anything to you. you and the kids are your priority now and any free time spend it on yourself. try not to think about him and her together just make sure he does his fair share of childcare and if he gets arsy take him to court.

@Adioss Just checking in OP. How are you doing?

Hey! Thank you for checking in it means so much. This thread has been an absolute godsend, I do re read it occasionally if I am having a bad day and it gives me a boost. My daughter has started to say things like we saw * again, won’t mention her name for obvious reasons. I think she just wants to spend time with her dad by herself with the short time she had.

Back again for another update, he picked the kids up today, late again!!!! On the plus side he looks like absolute S which made me feel better

How are you feeling now?