Aibu to be upset that my extended family have gone away for a long weekend and my family wasn’t invited?

[fortygin]

Hi, looking for some advice. My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
Mum and Dad moved home to retire just before Covid and sister still lives in North America with her husband and kids.
I have four children (mostly young adults now) and separated from my husband 8 years ago but have a partner.
Sister and kids have had a paid trip
back here every year so they can see mum and dad and usually her husband comes too. This part, I understand as Mum and Dad had a close relationship with them before they moved home.
What I do find very hard to stomach, is the ‘little breaks’ they take when they are here and NEVER include me or my children. The last few years they went mid week and said I wasn’t invited as I would be working.
This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!).
Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.
I’m already quite tender after a fall out with my exh and am wondering if this is clouding how I’m feeling towards my family.
i would never leave my sister out. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed some favouritism towards my sister and her children but have put it down to them being closer as I was 3000 miles away or that mum is missing them now so seeing them through rose tinted glasses. I’m also very very worried that the anger my mum feels towards my exh is clouding how she feels about my dc.
I suppose I’m wondering how to deal with my feelings or wether they are even valid.
note: I would normally be feilding multiple texts from my mum daily saying how bored she is etc etc but since my sister’s family have been here I haven’t heard a thing. I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat and on one day it was hinted that it was time for them to have dinner and asking what I was making(hint to leave)

Why do you even want anything to do with any of these people who treat you worse than a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe? Grow a spine and stop allowing these people to treat you like this! They clearly don’t give a crap about you or your children! Awful people don’t deserve for you to even answer the phone to to them!

I can’t get past your family moving to North America and leaving 19 year old you behind……..

Your parents have always treated you poorly. They had no qualms about moving to another continent and leaving you behind when you were a very young adult.

Stop being at your mum's beck and call when your sister isn't in the UK. She relies on you for company most of the time and then just drops you when your sister and her family visit. Also, if your mum dislikes your kids because she dislikes their dad, that is really unfair and I wouldn't put up with that.

Be very pleased that they have absolved you of needing too care for them in their old age too.

Sadly your parents are being abusive towards you and your children. Why are you allowing that to continue? Break the abusive cycle and walk away. It's hard but your mother is continually showing you that your sister is the golden child.
The examples you have given of how they treat you are very sad. Their treatment of you is unacceptable. Your mother picks you up and discards you like a puppy with a toy. Stop the cycle. It won't be easy but you and your children deserve better. Think of the effect her behaviour, which your sister and her family are colluding with, is having on your children. They deserve better.
None of this is your fault. Time to put your energy into your children and yourself. Stop chasing crumbs from your mother and sister. Your mother's feelings towards your ex is just a convenient shield she uses to deflect.

I know it isn’t helpful now, as presumably the trip is currently happening, but another time I’d make sure I was part of the itinerary planning of your sister’s visit if you want to be involved. It is absolutely hurtful and I’d be wary of how much time and effort I invested into any of the family, but I also would suggest that if you want to take part, then when you first hear about the trip, be an active participant in the plans. Just from your op it sounds like you’re quite passively waiting around to be invited. I understand that they should be the ones making the effort to include you and your family, but it doesn’t sound like that’s going to change.

Leaving a 19 year old behind - wow!

How long were they in the US for?

I am assuming what you mean by 'paid for' trip is that your DPs are paying for your DSIs and her family to visit the UK?
Did they do the same for you and your family to visit them in the US?

Look, I do think when your DSIs visits, it's ok for them to have 'alone' time with her DPs so they can catch up and reconnect but to exclude you from all the really cool parts is really not on.

Sounds like she is obviously the favourite. I would tell them in a few weeks time, when your DSIs has returned, how their holiday plans and excluding you made you and your DC feel.

Your parents sound absolutely awful. I completely agree that they’ve made you feel like you need to chase “crumbs” of affection from them. I would disengage entirely I’m afraid. See how your mum likes being dropped the way she’s shunned you whilst her golden child is available!

There is no point telling your parents about how their exclusion of you and your children hurt. Any normal person would know that and you can't argue with crazy.

I can't imagine leaving my 19 year old child behind and moving to North America. I mean I left home and moved cities at 22 and that was bad enough.

I think I would just leave them to it and have almost no contact with them. When your parents are elderly and wanting help, I'd be remembering this. Somehow I don't think sis and her family will be the ones offering to provide support. I have to say I am sometimes glad I am an only child.

Definitely a golden child scenario going on. One thing that jumped out was your DM rings you constantly when DSis isn't here. I'd be making myself scarce going forward.

I was also wondering if as a 19 year old you had trips to the US paid for, if not you absolutely know there is an imbalance.

@Pipsquiggle Did they do the same for you and your family to visit them in the US? - for some reason not letting me quote.

-An excellent point. As are the PP’s saying to withdraw from being your mum’s entertainment (distraction) and about absolving you from caring duties. I would perhaps drop some hints in this area - maybe say you wouldn’t expect your children to be responsible for your care when you get older etc and see how she reacts - what her/their expectations are. It sounds like you are massively taken for granted.

When the inevitable happens I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some disparity in inheritance either from what you’ve described, OP, so prepare for that.

In the meantime I’d probably be distant when your sister returns to the U.S. and ignore calls and texts for a while and delay meeting up, showing that you prioritise your kids in the same way as your parents prioritise your sister and her family. If your mum asks what’s up arrange a sit down chat where you can ask if they are really unaware how their behaviour towards you and your kids compares with your sister is affecting you. How do they think you feel? Do they care? If they brush you off keep your distance.

Try not to waste your time and energy on ppl who do not value you. I myself am learning this the hard way.

Me neither, just baffling.
as others have said I’d be cooling my relationship with all of them.

Agreed

I read this
My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
And thought wtaf????
Presumably they weren't paying for holidays and flights for you to the US in your teens and 20s.

Please dont say you are being roped into helping them now they are back.

I'd be totally unavailable your parents are horrible arseholes who will just keep hurting you if you keep letting them

I think this does sound very hurtful. If you feel that you are overreacting, given the long history of being put last by your entire family, I don’t think you are at all.

Clearly you try to put a positive interpretation on their actions but it’s a struggle - I haven’t heard of grandmothers taking against kids due to disliking their father, though I’m now asking myself if this affected my relationship with my mum’s mum!

I don’t think they are ever going to behave well to you. I’d think very carefully what kind of relationship you want with them going forward, given that fact. The fact that you aren’t breathing a sigh of relief that your mum isn’t sending you lots of unpleasant texts speaks volumes - that’s the most you get from her.

Putting aside the fact that your own parents emigrated and left you here at 19, which I find unfathomable, you need to talk to them about it.

Could you sit your dm down and tell her how hurtful it is not to be included? You don’t mention in your OP how much of a relationship you have with your sister. Do you communicate much?

play them at their own game, build your own relationship with your sister; go and visit her in the states and have a chat with her about the rift your parents created when they split the family up. Always make your own plans directly with her and exclude your parents. If there is time while she’s here arrange something for just your two families, tell your parents you want to reconnect your sibling relationship.

Yanbu. You parents are being weird and divisive, like they want to be the main character with you both.

Take the power away.

Forge an independent relationship with your sibling and make sure your parents know they are being excluded (phone calls, facebook, in jokes, in time maybe days out too).

Don't be freely available or dependent on them for childcare.

Who is paying for everything -prob the wealthy American DSis -why don’t you invite them for a lunch in a nice pub -something all probably happily will come to.

If you can’t afford that it might explain some of the exclusion.

The way they are treating you is deliberate belittling.
Set your heart on starting a good life without DP and DH - perhaps get some counselling. These people are not adding to your happiness. But you have a lot of life ahead of you.

Agreed

Also as mentioned upthread also brace yourself for unequal inheritance split

Your post is one of many on here where one sibling gets treated like royalty and the other shite. There's at least one a week.

I think you have 3 choices
1 put up with it like you have been 2.
2 tell your parents that you think they are being unfair and unpleasant
3 walk away and have little or no contact and see how they like it when sister is back in the us

How's your relationship with your sister?

On another thread about moving countries away from family, someone posted about her parents taking her away from her extended family and she described herself as collateral damage to her parents choices. She has no communal memory (my description) shared with her cousins, grandparents etc.

By dint of taking your sister away at a time where she could come to adulthood and remaining involved, the ties that bind were never developed with you. You and your children are the collateral damage.

Your parents may now reside in the UK, but the ties that bind are bound to your sister, not you.

Why the fuck did they move away and leave you at 19?? They sound like psychopaths.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for your parents to want to spend some quality time just with your sister if they only see her once a year, not everything needs to be extended family, sometimes smaller groups work better (an extra 6 people makes a big difference to the practicalities of a trip). However, you should also get to spend time with with your sister when she is back.

I think whether your parents are being unreasonable depends whether they also spend similar quality time with you at other times when your sister isn't around, and also if they paid for trips to see them in USA for you when you were the one they had moved away from. If the answer to both is no, then they don't seem to treat you equally.

To answer a few questions.
So for the first few years when they moved, dad’s company paid for us to visit instead of paying for trips for them to come home.
after that stopped, I paid for myself to visit.
They paid for half of one trip for myself, exh and four kids to visit as we couldn’t afford to come. on that visit, my sister and her dc came everywhere with us.
They were in North America for 25 years.
I think I do hold a lot of resentment which is unhealthy.