Aibu to be upset that my extended family have gone away for a long weekend and my family wasn’t invited?

[fortygin]

Hi, looking for some advice. My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
Mum and Dad moved home to retire just before Covid and sister still lives in North America with her husband and kids.
I have four children (mostly young adults now) and separated from my husband 8 years ago but have a partner.
Sister and kids have had a paid trip
back here every year so they can see mum and dad and usually her husband comes too. This part, I understand as Mum and Dad had a close relationship with them before they moved home.
What I do find very hard to stomach, is the ‘little breaks’ they take when they are here and NEVER include me or my children. The last few years they went mid week and said I wasn’t invited as I would be working.
This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!).
Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.
I’m already quite tender after a fall out with my exh and am wondering if this is clouding how I’m feeling towards my family.
i would never leave my sister out. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed some favouritism towards my sister and her children but have put it down to them being closer as I was 3000 miles away or that mum is missing them now so seeing them through rose tinted glasses. I’m also very very worried that the anger my mum feels towards my exh is clouding how she feels about my dc.
I suppose I’m wondering how to deal with my feelings or wether they are even valid.
note: I would normally be feilding multiple texts from my mum daily saying how bored she is etc etc but since my sister’s family have been here I haven’t heard a thing. I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat and on one day it was hinted that it was time for them to have dinner and asking what I was making(hint to leave)

You think it’s dramatic because you never experienced this.

Really agree with this.
Its an open sore as long as you have contact.
Dropping the rope and living your own life without fulfilling their needs for a skivvy, will give you peace.
They don't get to use you now.

I think the fact she asked why she wasn't included and then it happened again is a sign they are not inviting op on purpose. You'd think once she said why wasn't I invited it would be a signal to them . Just thinking of my own family. I dont have to ask if plans are being made and make effort to be aware, same as my sisters ,once anyone has a plan its just the norm to tell the rest of the family. I think you're thinking of them in a better way because you probably treat ppl well and this wouldn't occur to you to be unkind.. but not everyone is like u, there are defo some unkind families out there.

@Lillers I’m not told the exact dates of her coming and I have an ok relationship with my sis but distant as there is 5 years age difference and she was 14 when they went moved

@KuanKaKu we have tried that ie inviting my sister out for drinks but mum always gets a bit huffy and suggests a night at hers instead (she doesn’t drink anymore). Sis does what she thinks mum would want considering she has paid for the holiday

Why does a parent visa stop both dc going to USA?

This is sad to read.
I think your family are using you when it suits them, then leaving you out to prioritise your sister.
And the fact is you’ve raised this but it keeps happening.
So you need to protect yourself and your dc from this as it’s abusive behaviour.I’d be creating more distance between you.
do you have other people in your life- other relatives, friends, partners family?

One child is an adult not a child

But true

Your feelings are more than valid fortygin.
Your side of family will never understand… I might even say it’s impossible for them to understand, & can never give you back what you have missed out on for all those years.
You have to look after & think of yourself. Don’t let your DM use or drain your energy.
My own parents no. has no ring on my mobile now, their carers can always call. They’ve quickly learnt I have plenty I have to do before I decide to factor in any of their miniscule ‘problems’. (I was 9yrs, dumped @ boarding school, they went off to Australia for 3yrs with my 2 younger brothers)

Stop smiling and being nice start treating uour parents the way you are treated I guarantee thwy wont like it and will demand yo know why TELL THEM in glorious technicolour detail !

I’m really sad to read this thread and my heart goes out to you OP. They treat you with disregard and I can relate as my family are similar.

Your parents will also expect you to look after them when they get old and infirm. My suggestion is that you almost forget about your current situation. There’s nothing you can do about it.

But what you can do is to prepare yourself for the inevitable and to decide now how you want your parents to dictate your life when they fall over and need round the clock care. You need to armour yourself up and protect yourself. You have a few years to work on yourself so please use this time proactively.

For today, though, have a good cry and then hitch up those big girl pants, give yourself a cuddle and tell yourself that you are a kind, loving person is no longer at the whim of people who don’t really like you.

Sorry if you've already addressed it but were they like this when you were growing up or was it the move to Quebec that damaged your relationship?

You're obviously not unreasonable to be upset at the way they exclude you, it's so hurtful. They're not going to change now so you need to try to get some distance from them emotionally and if necessary physically.

I would step back and live your life. They are not treating you fairly.

Try listening to the Mel Robbins podcast and her Let Them Theory.

Let Them organise days out for themselves.

Let Them show you who they are.

Let You become the person you want to be.

Let You live your own best life without worrying about them.

@zerofeeling relationship was very very close before they went to Canada. Things changed when my sister had children (five years after my first was born)

Maybe because the OP was 19 and therefore an adult and not a child under 18

A parent won’t be able to take adult (18+) children on their working visa. For an adult child to go, they would need their own visa to work/study.

@WiennettaSo why would parents not arrange that? I would make it a condition of going. Yes op needed a job but it’s not impossible. How can it be ok to leave op in that situation?

@TizerorFizz Because they did. That’s all there is to it.

I’m not defending the parents… just explaining why the OP couldn’t go linked to the parent visa.

I have a DD20 and I couldn’t imagine taking one child halfway across the world and not the other one. I’d be backing off hugely. Your mum is picking you up and dropping you down as and when she chooses. Fuck that.

@Wiennetta yes I understand about the visa but a parent can make sure dc go with them and the op could have got a job or a study visa. Parents didn’t seem to do much. What do the military do? Leave their young adults behind?

Like I said, I’m not defending the OP’s parents!

I think your questions are for the OP/her parents.

from Claude AI:

This sounds like a really painful situation, and your feelings are absolutely valid. Being consistently excluded from family activities, especially when given changing excuses, would hurt anyone. The pattern you’re describing - where your sister’s family gets special treatment while you and your children are left out - isn’t something you’re imagining.

A few thoughts on what might help:

Your feelings matter. You’re not being oversensitive. When family members make plans that could include you but choose not to, and then give inconsistent reasons why, that’s genuinely hurtful. The fact that you’re already dealing with stress from your ex-husband situation might make you more aware of these dynamics, but it doesn’t make your observations less accurate.

Consider having a calm conversation. Rather than continuing to “smile and keep the peace,” you might benefit from having an honest but gentle conversation with your mum. You could say something like: “I’ve noticed we don’t get invited to join the family outings when [sister] visits, and I’m feeling quite left out. Is there something I’m missing, or could we talk about including my children and me sometimes?”

Set some boundaries around availability. If your mum normally texts you constantly when she’s bored but goes silent when your sister visits, you don’t need to be the person who’s always there when convenient but excluded when it matters. You can step back a bit from being so available.

Focus on what you can control. You can’t change their behavior, but you can decide how much emotional energy to invest in these relationships and how much you let their choices affect your mood and self-worth.

Your instinct not to cause a rift during the visit shows you’re being considerate, but don’t let that consideration become a permanent pattern of accepting treatment that makes you feel terrible.