Aibu to be upset that my extended family have gone away for a long weekend and my family wasn’t invited?

[fortygin]

Hi, looking for some advice. My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
Mum and Dad moved home to retire just before Covid and sister still lives in North America with her husband and kids.
I have four children (mostly young adults now) and separated from my husband 8 years ago but have a partner.
Sister and kids have had a paid trip
back here every year so they can see mum and dad and usually her husband comes too. This part, I understand as Mum and Dad had a close relationship with them before they moved home.
What I do find very hard to stomach, is the ‘little breaks’ they take when they are here and NEVER include me or my children. The last few years they went mid week and said I wasn’t invited as I would be working.
This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!).
Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.
I’m already quite tender after a fall out with my exh and am wondering if this is clouding how I’m feeling towards my family.
i would never leave my sister out. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed some favouritism towards my sister and her children but have put it down to them being closer as I was 3000 miles away or that mum is missing them now so seeing them through rose tinted glasses. I’m also very very worried that the anger my mum feels towards my exh is clouding how she feels about my dc.
I suppose I’m wondering how to deal with my feelings or wether they are even valid.
note: I would normally be feilding multiple texts from my mum daily saying how bored she is etc etc but since my sister’s family have been here I haven’t heard a thing. I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat and on one day it was hinted that it was time for them to have dinner and asking what I was making(hint to leave)

Agree with this - am assuming parents returned to the UK to avail themselves of the NHS as US medical care/insurance was too much once parents retired. Maybe I am cynical, but I’d just go low to no contact and focus on your immediate family.

The heir and the spare come to mind . You sound such a lovely person, who was forced to grow up too fast and potentially stayed with your then partner , (exh), as he was your security, as was his family too for you. You were a child yourself and abandoned .. those abandonment feelings will be deep and sore and the way you’re treated as second best will be so painful . Please step back, throw yourself into your own beautiful family unit and be a bit selfish for your own sanity and self worth ❤️

Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.

Genuinely, why? Who gives a shit about their holiday? I doubt you will ruin their holiday anyway because if they cared about you they wouldn't have done this in the first place.

I would tell them exactly how you feel, that this is the last straw as far as you are concerned, and that from now on you will be making zero effort for them.

Hope your parents aren't relying on you to take care of them in their old age.

OMG, what have I just read.
They are utterly spiteful nasty people.
I'd tell the lot of them to fuck off and forge your own way in life.

@fortygin So sorry you are going through this. It's hard being the scapegoat watching the golden get all the love & attention. And even as an adult it still hurts.

All I can say is that it is easier if you keep a distance, both physically & emotionally. And you will be a better parent & be very aware not to treat your own kids the way you have been.

Why on earth are you "smiling and trying to keep the peace"? Whose peace because it's certainly not your own. You are letting your family treat you like this

OP, your parents abandoned you at 19, truly awful behaviour.
There behaviour now is more of that.

Time for you to no longer be available and match their energy completely.

They have come home for financial reasons and expect you to be their skivvy carer.

Stop doing anything for them.
Focus on your life, your children.
Not being available at all for them.

They are very selfish people.

They do not get to use you now.

"When you keep the peace on the outside, you cause a war inside yourself"

So bad for YOUR health.
They are selfish awful people.
Stop having anything to do with them.

I could have written this, everything, including being left behind at 19.
crazy.

expecting to be at my mothers beck and call but when my other sibling on scene, she would even ignore my messages.

i do not have any relationship with her now. And I am ok with that.

Oh wow. I couldn't imagine anyone I know just taking off to another continent and leaving their 19yr old without a care.

If I were in your position I'd feel really hurt but I'd distance myself completely. Your mother can text your sister about how bored she is instead of relying on you to play second fiddle whenever your sister isn't available.

But "these people" are OPs family and she is hurt. Why do so many people on MN think the solution is to just walk away, it really isn't that easy to do. The trend for going LC/NC doesn't ultimately solve anything, and before anyone jumps in I completely acknowledge that there are times when this is the right thing to do to protect sanity and for safety reasons. Telling her to grow a sound is just callous and cruel, it's unhelpful too

Wider family dynamics aside, no, I wouldn’t be upset that family came from far away and wanted some one-to-one time together as they live on opposite sides of the world. If I wanted to see my sister, I’d invite her to come stay with me or make plans with her during her trip.

BIL lives 9 hours away and we only live one hour away from MIL, so we see her regularly and he probably sees her once a year. I definitely wouldn’t intrude on their time together if he wanted to go away for a weekend with her on a rare visit. We can see her anytime. And we can invite BIL to come stay with us too when he’s down, which we do.

Do they view you as more independent and her as more needy? I’m just wondering where this behaviour comes from, and the fact that they left you as an only just adult behind in a country while then having to provide much more support for their younger teen daughter in an unknown country could be what’s skewed the balance. They’re definitely playing favourites now, were they before they moved abroad do you remember? You could try talking openly to them about it, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. You don’t have any power to change their behaviour, the only behaviour you can change is your own. You can’t stop their behaviour that is hurting you so you need to reduce their power to hurt you by backing off from them.

So the only reason they’re back is bc they can’t afford healthcare. They’d happily see out the rest of their days thousand of miles from OP and her children if they could.

Also - point out the fact that when you visited (which you still had to pay HALF for) your sister was involved in every excursion - ask why it is different now and you aren’t for theirs.

It’ll be interesting to hear their ‘reasoning’.

OP, your sister is clearly the golden child here and that’s why she is favoured.

There is nothing you can do about this except ensure you have secure boundaries with your parents. You’ve had therapy which has helped you step away a bit, I’d suggest you step even further away as you will become the default person who has to look after their needs as they age.

You don’t owe them anything and right now, I suggest you step much further away from them. Let them figure it out for themselves, they are adults - a bit like they left you at 19.

I’m sorry your family is so crap.

They are a family of arseholes. Concentrate on your own children and do things for yourself. They sound really selfish.

your relationship with your parents sounds very unequal - it’s sounds like you are expected to satisfy their needs (ie to entertain your mum when no one else is around) but they don’t consider yours (ie to be included in family events). It sounds like when your mums needs are met (ie by sister coming to stay) you are forgotten about - but as soon as sister leaves and your mums needs aren’t met she gets right back on the phone to you. I think you either need to be more upfront with your family - tell them you want to see them and be included in family events - tell them how the exclusion makes you feel. Or you need to accept it as it is and put in some boundaries - ie what are you willing to do for your mum? How often do you want to see her etc. it’s a crap situation to be in and really does hurt- my in laws are like this and my DH doesnt hear from parents unless his sister and her family aren’t around - ie we’ve never been invited for Christmas or family celebrations apart from the single year DHs sister was away - we declined the hints of an invite to them from us as they were spending Christmas alone as we’re not anyone’s sloppy seconds and that’s our boundary!

This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!)

I think the reply should have been along the lines of that maybe your mother gets to know her grandchildren better before deciding what they will and won’t like as it clearly shows she knows nothing about her grandchildren if she believed they wouldn’t enjoy it.

Dramatic.

The awful thing about this situation and OPs is the collateral damage it does to sibling relationships. My brother was always the golden child and it did untold damage to our relationship, and the knock-on relationship between our chiildren with their cousins. The narcissistic family dynamic is hugely destructive.

Yes Quebec is where they lived.

@honeyluluyes this is exactly how I feel

Sorry if I didn’t explain it very well - what I mean is, OP says her sister’s family comes over every year, so what I meant was to get involved in conversations about what the plans (for the whole trip) are before it happens, not once they’re here (as in her op she said about going over and then not being asked to stay for dinner; asking why her family weren’t invited on the mini break - makes it sound like she doesn’t know what’s going on until it’s all planned). So my point is, as these visits happen every year, is she actively asking what’s happening this year and how she can be part of it before the plans are put in place, or waiting for them to make all the plans and then asking what’s going on? I fully agree that her family’s behaviour is hurtful and she shouldn’t have to do this, but I’m just offering the suggestion in case she really wants to spend more time with them.

Indeed - I have the type of family that claims to love each other but is never there, never calls, never sends cards for my kids, never checks in around exams or when they’ve been ill (one has had considerable MH and health issues and despite my reaching out and asking for some support, I just got hug emoji replies and eff all else.) I have gone no contact other than texting happy birthday when prompted by facebook or the calendar. They’ve not bothered to seek more contact in the 18m since I made the decision so I’ve formally dumped them. Seems harsh, but my partner/DH and kids - and, amazingly, his wonderful family who cannot do enough for us - are more than enough for me. Am of the opinion blood ties are over-rated: it’s the actions, the demonstration of love and support that counts and this seems to be more abundant from other people in my life.

I hope OP, you have other support (your DP, kids and friends) and can just step away from these selfish, inconsiderate people. You’ve been amazing to stand on your own two feet from 19, to muddle through a divorce alone and raising your children - and still remain a caring and loving person towards them. You really don’t need them. And they don’t deserve you.

@fortygin think the only thing left to do is delete and block phone numbers, whats app, email etc etc. you wont be taking them shopping or caring for them from here on in. learn to love yourself. you dont need a family who doesnt care for you. I guarantee you will feel better after a week or so.

Golden child usually doesn’t have much interest in the other sibling. Op and her sister are in 40s. What is stopping sister to visit op or make efforts to meet nieces and nephews during her visits? But looks like she enjoys the attention by her parents more than a relationship with OP.