Aibu to be upset that my extended family have gone away for a long weekend and my family wasn’t invited?

[fortygin]

Hi, looking for some advice. My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
Mum and Dad moved home to retire just before Covid and sister still lives in North America with her husband and kids.
I have four children (mostly young adults now) and separated from my husband 8 years ago but have a partner.
Sister and kids have had a paid trip
back here every year so they can see mum and dad and usually her husband comes too. This part, I understand as Mum and Dad had a close relationship with them before they moved home.
What I do find very hard to stomach, is the ‘little breaks’ they take when they are here and NEVER include me or my children. The last few years they went mid week and said I wasn’t invited as I would be working.
This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!).
Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.
I’m already quite tender after a fall out with my exh and am wondering if this is clouding how I’m feeling towards my family.
i would never leave my sister out. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed some favouritism towards my sister and her children but have put it down to them being closer as I was 3000 miles away or that mum is missing them now so seeing them through rose tinted glasses. I’m also very very worried that the anger my mum feels towards my exh is clouding how she feels about my dc.
I suppose I’m wondering how to deal with my feelings or wether they are even valid.
note: I would normally be feilding multiple texts from my mum daily saying how bored she is etc etc but since my sister’s family have been here I haven’t heard a thing. I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat and on one day it was hinted that it was time for them to have dinner and asking what I was making(hint to leave)

Kindly - when your sister isn’t around do you have a good relationship with them? In their mind would they do equivalent trips or activities which add up to the equivalent of the tourist trip?

i think YBU for wanting to join in as that’s not how they roll and they’ve made that clear. I think YNBU for feeling there is imbalance but the only thing you can control is your reaction.

Dont pander to your mother treating you as a ‘good enough alternative’ and craving your attention when sister isn’t around. Her priority to is your sister when she is here - Your priority is to your kids and yourself consistently, the whole year.

What’s the age difference between you and your sister?

Leaving your 19 year old half way across the world was a bit of a sign of things to come.

I also agree that my sister was ripped away from everything she knew too and taken to a place that’s primary language isn’t English.
That being said, we had no extended family left here, I fully relied on my exh’s family and was totally devastated when he cheated and they disowned me when I asked him to leave.

I was 19 and she was 14. Dad’s visa allowed her to attend school.

Sorry just seeing a lot of questions.
no when sis isn’t here our relationship consists of me going to them and taking them shopping etc.
I’ve had a lot of counselling and have learned to make myself less available as before , I was at their beck and call but didn’t get much back in return.

I’d feel like you do I think. I’d just ignore them for now and not reach out (except maybe separately to your sister if you want to see her) and when they are gone and you get the I’m bored text reply ‘nice to hear from you, now sister has left.’ And leave it. But I don’t believe in covering up my resentment of unfair behaviour just because it might make others feel uncomfortable about themselves.

I can’t get over your parents moved to USA without you at 19.

once you had studied so for 2/3/5yr did you not think of going over there ?

who did you live with at 19

they Lived there for 25yrs. Then came home to retire in 2020 and depend on you now local

Really awful that they left you alone at 19.

poor that they pay for your sister to visit but didn’t cover your visits to them.

really crappy that they don’t make effort to include you when you’re sisters her but will expect to see you after she’s gone

any hurt/anger you have is completely understandable

I lived with my exh (then boyfriend). We did apply for landed immigrancy but by then he didn’t want to leave his family and I didn’t wasn’t to leave him so we didn’t go.

Unfortunately, this is the age old dynamic with the favourite and the backup child. You're clearly the backup. Good enough when the favourite isn't around, but not wanted when she is.

You're going to have to distance yourself MORE than you already have. I think I'd leave it while she's still here (if their visit is ongoing atm) and when they've gone home, tell your mum how upset you were.

And then stop responding to her 'I'm so bored' messages. Stop the very regular contact. See them occasionally, but keep the coolness of relationship that is in place when the favourite is around. And if you have to, tell your mum that you're not the 'fill-in' for when favourite isn't available.

The dynamic is too fixed for your mum to change. But you will probably feel better if you address the dynamic with her. Because she'll want to ignore it but can 't really pretend it isn't there if you're blunt with her. I wouldn't create an argument about it. Just be factual and attempt to be unemotive so she can't accuse you of starting trouble.

Did your parents return for financial reasons? I know a number of retired expats who returned to the UK because they could no longer afford decent health insurance in the US.

I’d bet good money they never invited you to come to them while in the US…

It does seem to me as if they are using you.

Your parents are nuts I'm afraid. They blew up your family when you were 19. They should now be making a massive effort to put your family back together. This means spending as much time together as a family to reconnect. Not having "alone time" with one child. It's utterly bizarre.

You should put in what you get out. And currently you aren't getting much.

• I can understand having alone time with one child and her family when they come over on a brief family visit. Not everything can be a cast of thousands and they’re recreating their environment prior to moving back. IMO that’s not unreasonable. However to say ‘I didn’t think your kids would like it’ is disingenuous and gaslighting territory
• what is proposed so that you can have bonding time with your sister? clearly that relationship hasn’t been nurtured at all
• it sounds like you were already with your now exH - presumably that was why maybe you stayed behind, not just visa issues
• ultimately though your parents leaving you at that age would have knowingly blown a hole in your relationship with them (gone 25yrs!!!) and definitely between you and your sister
• you need to sit down and have a come to god chat with your mother at least, or maybe your father too. This isn’t just about this trip, this is about 25yrs of familial injustice that’s still playing out

it sounds to me that you should really distance yourself from them as it sounds like you are giving a lot but not getting much in return. You said you are harbouring a lot of resentment and I’m not surprised. Your parents have behaved (and are still behaving) selfishly, unkindly and disrespectfully. I’d say not behaving in this way towards your kids are baseline expectations of parents. Could you imagine behaving like this towards your own kids? I suspect not. You haven’t done anything wrong and I think there’s likely little you do to change the dynamic after so long. I think distance would help as otherwise they are continuing to chip away at your self esteem rather then build you up. I’m sorry as I can imagine this is really hard and it just isn’t fair on you. Best wishes.

This

I have a feeling they did return for financial reasons. I have often questioned why they did, to be honest.

I agree I would have stayed here as I was with my boyfriend but I wasn’t given the option either way and, having a 20 year old dd myself now, couldn’t imagine leaving her with no family to start a new life in another continent.

I know it's easier said than done OP but you need to build a life where your parents and sister don't feature very much. I was from a similar kind of family who had a golden child, and it wasn't me (thread for another time, but I also believe that being a golden child is very damaging to said child, as well as all siblings).

You feel resentful, which is natural. You may feel less resentful once you start living a different kind of life, separate from your parents.

Plus - this is the big one- someone else on this thread has already alluded to this: you will suddenly become chief carer once your parents' health starts to fail. Don't do it - run now. Don't be me.

It sounds like you are still doing too much.

It's completely okay to have resentment against them. Have therapy so that you can be at peace with it and live a happy life, not so that you let them off and are at their beck and call.

And who do you think they will expect to look after them in their old age? I would draw a hard and fast line under your relationship with them now before you end up full time carer for them, which they don't deserve!

Yes this is awful but the dynamic will never change (ask me how I know!) It must be so hurtful that they can't even make modest efforts to include you in the family "being back together". Like another PP says the parents will want some alone time with sister and her kids but seem to give zero fucks about how it would be nice for you and your kids to spend some quality time with sister/their cousins on just one day out of the whole visit. I presume your sister never proposes this either?

My sister has always been the golden child and her kids the golden grandchildren. We both live quite a way (3+ hours drive, not another continent!) from our parents but coincidentally only about 30 mins from each other. When my parents came to visit me they always scheduled in seeing sister and family too, pretty much every day. When they visited my sister they never showed any interest in seeing me/my kids too unless I pushed it and even then they often said there wasn't time. Sometimes I only heard that they have visited after they've gone home again. I've basically gave up as I feel like I could fall off a cliff and they wouldn't notice. (Past tense as they no longer drive so we can only visit them now. I go a couple of times a year but I have to instigate. Sister is there much more often, having the red carpet rolled out ...)

I did used to express my hurt but I would get told I was "being difficult" and "spoiling everything". The only reason I've been given are that I didn't want to be around them when I was young (I was a grumpy but pretty normal teenager who liked going out with friends/boyfriends whereas my sister was a real mummy and daddy's girl always) so i can reap what I sowed. Like you I also get "oh you wouldn't have wanted to come".

I think you're doing all the right things. You can't change them so low contact and doing what you can to preserve your own happiness is the priority. It's so shit though, I feel like it would make such a difference if my parents pretended to want to spend time with me and my kids even once or twice a year!

How should op make sure shes part of the itinerary if shes not included? You cant put yourself into the plans when the plans are made behind your back. Op has asked about this and its clear as day they don't want to include her. As for op waiting passively around to be invited, what do you even mean by this.. of course shes waiting to be invited.. thats the main point of the thread but your passive comment is planting a seed that makes no sense to me.

Where did they go in N. America that the primary language isn't English? Canada? Mexico?

I think you need more therapy as their treatment of your is really not nice.

What a total bunch of cunts.

Even though you intellectually know the truth, it is very hard to emotionally accept how horrible one's parents are. I was in denial until I was in my 40s, and acceptance that my parents were shit caused me to have depression for a time. But long term, I am so much happier and stronger. I did look after my parents in old age, but I was able to do it out of pity and duty, not because I wanted something from them that I knew they were incapable of giving.

I agree with PP - get therapy. It is hard emotionally accepting the truth but you gain so much from it.

Where in North America don't they speak primarily English? I can't figure it out (its a me thing not a questioning the op thing)

I assumed French Canada? But I'm sure OP will confirm.