Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be upset that my extended family have gone away for a long weekend and my family wasn’t invited?

133 replies

fortygin · 03/08/2025 18:54

Hi, looking for some advice. My parents and sister moved to North America when I was 19 and I had to stay behind as I would have been unable to work or study due to my dad’s work visa.
Mum and Dad moved home to retire just before Covid and sister still lives in North America with her husband and kids.
I have four children (mostly young adults now) and separated from my husband 8 years ago but have a partner.
Sister and kids have had a paid trip
back here every year so they can see mum and dad and usually her husband comes too. This part, I understand as Mum and Dad had a close relationship with them before they moved home.
What I do find very hard to stomach, is the ‘little breaks’ they take when they are here and NEVER include me or my children. The last few years they went mid week and said I wasn’t invited as I would be working.
This year, however, they went to a very expensive touristy spot for a long weekend and when I asked why they hadn’t invited us to come, mum said my children would t have wanted to (they most definately would have!).
Im doing my utmost to smile and keep the peace and not ruin anyone’s holiday as I don’t want to cause a rift but it’s eating me up.
I’m already quite tender after a fall out with my exh and am wondering if this is clouding how I’m feeling towards my family.
i would never leave my sister out. This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed some favouritism towards my sister and her children but have put it down to them being closer as I was 3000 miles away or that mum is missing them now so seeing them through rose tinted glasses. I’m also very very worried that the anger my mum feels towards my exh is clouding how she feels about my dc.
I suppose I’m wondering how to deal with my feelings or wether they are even valid.
note: I would normally be feilding multiple texts from my mum daily saying how bored she is etc etc but since my sister’s family have been here I haven’t heard a thing. I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat and on one day it was hinted that it was time for them to have dinner and asking what I was making(hint to leave)

OP posts:
Marmiteontoastgirlie · 04/08/2025 15:35

Sorry just shared the above as recently I have been inputting interpersonal situations into AI like Claude and ChatGPT and it’s been absolutely amazing. I recommend it.

excelledyourself · 04/08/2025 15:45

You’re not the problem OP.

Your parents damaged the bond. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to maintain the little that is left when they obviously don’t feel the need to.

Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 15:52

Your sister is on holiday when she gets here. They want to go somewhere upmarket for a bit of their time , travel a little. They invited your parents
They aren't doing anything wrong here.

They see you when they are here it's not like they're not engaging with you and your family

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 16:31

@maddyI think you have not read they full thread but thanks for your input lol

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 16:46

fortygin · 04/08/2025 16:31

@maddyI think you have not read they full thread but thanks for your input lol

I have read all your posts
I still think what I do

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 17:55

@Maddy70 parents paid for the long weekend NOT them 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 18:00

I misunderstood that bit , however it still stands their daughter is visiting from abroad , they want to see somewhere else while here, so they shifted the hoasting elsewhere so they could.

To invite you and your children would be a lot of extra expense, and changes the dynamics.

If they weren't spending any time with you at all I would definitely think they were being off but that isn't that case.

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 18:17

Where did I say they spend time with me?! I have to go to them even to pick up a birthday card for my kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 18:22

@Maddy70 I really think you have misunderstood. I haven’t heard from them since my sis got here and usually I’m fielding hourly txts!. We are never invited for dinner let alone a weekend away with them

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 18:34

I called to see them last weekend every day but on one day was told not to as they were about to eat
I thought you said you had seen them every day ?

It must be hurtful and I do understand but with your 4 children that's 5 extra people, that's a lot on top of your sister's children

If you have a reasonable relationship with them the rest of the time , allow them to spend time with their other daughter and her family for the short time they will see them.

I think it's your sister and you that don't have much of a relationship. Maybe she wants her mum to herself when she visits? you were an adult when they all went away it's not like your parents abandoned a child I do think you are being a tad unreasonable (although I do understand!)

Diarygirlqueen · 04/08/2025 18:34

You really know what you have to do. Make yourself less available and set up strict boundaries. No way would I let them treat me or my kids like this.

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 19:15

@Maddy70 I called for an hour thurs, Friday was asked not to and sat and Sunday I was asked to leave after an hour
as they were about to eat! I haven’t seen any of them in ten days

OP posts:
Batherssss · 04/08/2025 20:12

OP, it is so bad for your self esteem to accept this.
Your sister will go home and you will find you are contacted as you will be of use to them again.

Don't answer the phone.
Be unavailable.
Mute their number.

Protect yourself.

JudgingJudy · 04/08/2025 20:46

Please ignore Maddy OP. They are clearly an outlier.

Your post is so sad. They pretty much abandoned you at 19. Legally an adult but still needing familial support. They broke the bond with you.

I wouldn't respond to hourly texts going forward. Visit once a week. Read the stately homes thread.

My children are teens. I couldn't imagine doing what your parents did in a few years - moving so far away, no family support for them, and then expect care as we become the vulnerable ones, after 25 years!
YADNBU!

Maddy70 · 04/08/2025 21:37

fortygin · 04/08/2025 19:15

@Maddy70 I called for an hour thurs, Friday was asked not to and sat and Sunday I was asked to leave after an hour
as they were about to eat! I haven’t seen any of them in ten days

When you said called I thought you meant called in and you had seen them?

Your sister isn't invested in you clearly

JudgingJudy · 04/08/2025 22:21

You really are poisonous Maddy.

Batherssss · 04/08/2025 22:44

I could no more do what your parents did, nor would any decent parents.
Just awful.
I really hope you start protecting yourself OP.

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 23:04

@Maddy70 you are so right but you know what I do have? Four well adjusted young adult/teenage kids who love me dearly and a partner who loves me too. Yes, you’re 100% right, my extended family are obviously invested in me but that’s ok, I will know not to make myself as available when my sister’s family is not here anymore.
I suppose it will be my fault when my mother is lonely because I keep my distance

OP posts:
hideawayforever · 04/08/2025 23:30

How go you get on with your in laws? If you get on well, maybe it's time to focus more on people who are interested in you and your kids and step back from your own user parents.

Original poster
fortygin · 04/08/2025 23:34

@hideawayforever my in laws were my family until my exh cheated and I asked him to leave. They think I’ve split up the family, so I’ve been cut off. I have amazing kids and partner though

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 05/08/2025 06:20

fortygin · 04/08/2025 23:04

@Maddy70 you are so right but you know what I do have? Four well adjusted young adult/teenage kids who love me dearly and a partner who loves me too. Yes, you’re 100% right, my extended family are obviously invested in me but that’s ok, I will know not to make myself as available when my sister’s family is not here anymore.
I suppose it will be my fault when my mother is lonely because I keep my distance

Just ignore any guilt tripping from your mum and possibly your sister if you pull back from your relationship with your mum to protect yourself. Her behaviour towards you when your sister visits is really unfair and hurtful and she absolutely can't just expect that as soon as your sister goes home, that you will be available again to be at her beck and call.

Concentrate on your own family, your lovely kids and partner. Don't let your mum or your sister emotionally blackmail you to accept their unkind behaviour.

Notsosure1 · 05/08/2025 08:09

fortygin · 04/08/2025 23:34

@hideawayforever my in laws were my family until my exh cheated and I asked him to leave. They think I’ve split up the family, so I’ve been cut off. I have amazing kids and partner though

Are they in denial that he had an affair in the first place or do they think you should have just sucked it up bc that’s what women do?

Have they cut off their GC too? Does their father have regular contact with them?

It’s so unfair when in-laws do this when it’s their son who has ruined the marriage and they cut off their GC or just mother of their GC as if they never existed and weren’t part of the their family for years. It’s a difficult situation obviously but there are kinder ways of doing things surely.

Original poster
fortygin · 05/08/2025 08:15

@Notsosure1 they think I should have turned a blind eye for the sake of the family. They are excellent with their GC and yes they see their dad frequently. I can see their point, blood is thicker than water and including me would make it awkward to include the lady he had the affair with (still together).
it’s normal but I feel it more as I saw them as my family for 25 years as I had no one here.

OP posts:
Superhansrantowindsor · 05/08/2025 08:18

Sorry op - I have no advice but you have been treated in a very hurtful way and YANBU to be upset.

Notsosure1 · 05/08/2025 08:34

fortygin · 05/08/2025 08:15

@Notsosure1 they think I should have turned a blind eye for the sake of the family. They are excellent with their GC and yes they see their dad frequently. I can see their point, blood is thicker than water and including me would make it awkward to include the lady he had the affair with (still together).
it’s normal but I feel it more as I saw them as my family for 25 years as I had no one here.

What you feel is totally natural - they were your family when yours left for another country and since, which makes their behaviour all the more hurtful to you. The fact that he and his mistress are still together suggests that you turning a blind eye would have made fuck all difference and been something you’d be expected to tolerate and live with for the foreseeable future - are they mad?!

Swipe left for the next trending thread