To think private schools are more about parental ego than children’s education?

[ForPlainAmberFox]

Yes, they may get results. But isn’t a huge part of private schooling about parents wanting the status symbol of saying their child goes there? AIBU to think it’s more about ego than learning?

They aren’t complaining about paying twice but are complaining they are being vilified for sending their children private when they are, in fact, saving the state money as they are paying for their own children’s education.

There is absolutely an argument to be made that if you can afford to pay for your own children’s education (or indeed things like healthcare) then you should as this frees up limited resources for those who cannot afford it.

This whole thread is just weird. It’s basically the reverse of saying ‘state school parents don’t care enough about their children to pay for their education’.

I meant it’s more people who don’t pay for private education complaining about those that do. Realise that my post didn’t come across that way.

NO, I did NOT choose to pay for my son’s education. I was forced to either accept he won’t get an education, or to pay. Not really a choice!

Agree. I'm in a lot of debt and will have to sell my house to pay it off eventually. The state offering near me was untenable. Noone is saying state parents don't pay..I'd like to see more discussion about those who pay £££ in mortgage to achieve the right catchment for good state schools and how we could break up THAT dynamic. I've taught in state and private, deprived and leafy MC. There's more diversity in the private in every sense than in the state schools because catchments skew the demographic just as much as anything Indies do.

@RhaenysRocks or the ones that are (forced to) pay with their child’s mental health and/or future. But apparently that’s ok …
on a sidenote, houses near the one decent (non faith) secondary are about 1.5 million. Sorry, i’m not rich enough for a good state school!

Yeah it is oversubscribed but we have a number of outstanding senior schools and everyone in the town where we live has a place so it’s not an issue. The oversubscription is from neighbouring town but I live the accusatory tone of your post 😂.

So no we don’t have to double the spaces and no I wasn’t suggesting that. I don’t know anyone that didnt get into their local school. People choose to send to local private and grammar in neighbouring towns but results are about the same. Birth rates are also falling so kids going into senior school now don’t have 30 kids in each class. My kid has around 25 a class for example.

This will become less of a problem in some areas.

I genuinely can’t believe there are 1000 spare places in the local area of absorb all the pupils from the private school but if you think there are then great that so many have that choice. In my local area all the local state comps are oversubscribed. The whole system would completely collapse if even one private school shut.

I am also amazed that so many state schools around you cover all the extra curriculars such as Saturday sport and before, during and after school training. Again, none of my local comps offer that. we’d have taken the place of any of them had offered that. Just shows there is a massive disparity around the country about what different comps can offer.

A lot of families scrimp and save so they can send their kids to private school. That would be a very expensive way of getting an ego boost. The ones who can easily afford it don’t need the ego boost if they already have tons of money in the bank then they don’t need to prove anything to anyone. My children go to state school but I would loved to have been able to afford to send them to private school. I don’t begrudge those who can afford it.

What a load of rubbish, no one is spending £20k a year for bragging rights, it's about finding the best school for your individual child to flourish, results aren't the only reason to choose a private school, sports facilities, smaller classes.

My two DD have been in both outstanding rated state school and private school and there is no comparison in terms of opportunities.

But isn’t a huge part of private schooling about parents wanting the status symbol of saying their child goes there?

You could not be more wrong in our case.
My DD has just left her (wonderful) state Primary school. My heart sinks a little every time someone asks me which secondary school she's going to. I find myself feeling ashamed, and wanting to justify our decision, even to people I barely know. DH feels the same.

DD has Autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia. We were refused an EHCP as she was making academic progress and does not display challenging behaviour at school. She's the classic 'fizzy pop bottle' child, holds it all in all day at school then explodes at home. This might involve picking or biting her skin until it bleeds, banging her head against the wall, refusing to eat or being unable to sleep after a difficult day at school. Things were just about manageable in a very supportive, small primary school but the smallest state secondary in our catchment has 1500 children. We went to look round and DD had a panic attack because the crush of people in the corridors overwhelmed her. Every state secondary SENCO I spoke to was lovely, but basically admitted that they are overwhelmed by the sheer number of children whose needs result in aggressive or unsafe behaviour. So with the best will in the world an anxious but compliant child is not going to be a priority. Even if she had an EHCP it wouldn't change the fact that these are large, crowded and unpredictable environments. I've worked with enough high 'masking' AuDHD girls over the years to know that our DD would be at massively increased risk of long term EBSA and Mental Health crisis in such an environment.

DD's new school is a small local independent school, very nurturing, and has a reputation for being extremely flexible and supportive around SEN. With a maximum of 14 in a class, no bells, very little disruption and a high level of individualised Pastoral support, we believe this is our best chance of getting her through secondary with her Mental Health in tact.

I know it's the right thing for DD, but having dedicated my entire life to working with vulnerable children in the public sector I feel hugely conflicted. Many of the families I work with live in genuine poverty and sometimes simply coming home at the end of the day to a home that is safe, secure and comfortable is enough to make me feel guilty! I know it's fundamentally unfair that we are able to make this choice for our DD when most SEND parents who are in the same position (child who isn't disabled enough for specialist, but can't cope in mainstream) could never afford to. I suppose I could quit my job and home-school DD instead, but selfishly I don't want to, because I think it would be bad for my own Mental Health. Besides, if we home-schooled I'm sure we'd be judged for that as well!

So no, OP. "The status symbol of saying their child goes there" isn't something we want. Honestly, I hate telling people. Knowing people like you will make assumptions about us is one of the reasons why.

Yeah I don’t know how many places there are.

No they don’t offer Saturday sport but that’s a private school thing. Plus for a lot of kids who want to do other things it gives them the freedom. There are over 80 clubs and activities including sport so understand why you are amazed but it’s true. And not all the usual clubs either. They put on a full production every year in the newly built theatre with new recording studio. Stem days to Cambridge, school trips abroad, ski trips etc. we are lucky and I know it but ot is true. You can doubt it and that’s fine: I don’t know the ins and outs of the details of other schools and yes there is a significant disparity which isn’t right .But coming back to the original
point you wouldn't send you kids to private unless for some reason you had to or ego.

There really is for some schools so your generalising sweeping statement is a load of rubbish. I have been to both. I too speak from experience and my experience isn’t yours.

You must recognise that what you are describing is far from the norm on offer for many many areas? And that the biggest issue for so many is ND that actually doesn't need huge adjustments, just quieter, calmer, smaller environments. Given that, very often, few other adjustments are necessary but it seems impossible for state to provide this, especially at secondary where most are 12-1500 plus.

I had a scholarship. My parents loved the cream teas.

I don't think my parents thought that I would become so strong/ independent minded but definitely got that from school.

On the assumption your child(ren) don’t go to private school isn’t this more about your ego and that you can’t (or maybe don’t) send them?

Sorry, just don't believe people would pay crazy amounts of money if there were better free options available. If the schools are as bad as you say, there really isn't anything to boast about.

All I can tell you from my experience the opportunities provided by the private school in my area are far, far better than the state offering, in fact some of the best girls school in the country.

I feel pretty qualified to answer this having had lots of experience personally and with my own DC in different school systems and I wouldn't say it plays a huge - if any - part in the vast majority of parents' decisions, no, so YABU.

I do know of a very small number of families - typically where they've come from working class backgrounds and done very well for themselves - where it's seen to be a real achievement for them to be able to put their kids in private school. But why shouldn't it be seen that way, they've worked bloody hard and done well.

I think there are also a small number of snobbish, typically old money families where they would see it as pretty frightful to put DC in a big standard comprehensive school, when they and their parents and grandparents etc all went private.

But the vast majority I know actually feel a bit sheepish about it if anything and feel the need to justify it, or their DC have SEN, or both.